RHONY: Excruciating Pontificating

Painful. Utterly awful and excruciatingly painful, this was. I think I have a permanent abscess on my brain now and the puss is infecting my every waking moment. I can handle these women in their usual controlled environs, but on a couch speaking in real time? Excuse me while I go pop another ativan, and no. I’m not joking.

Miss Andy is not up to the task at hand either. He’s too damn nice. I will cut him some slack, as should we all. After all, even though he gets paid to deal with these fucktards, he’s been dealing with them almost daily for months now. You’d be dragging ass and dodging bullets too.

That’s why I agree with all of you who say that someone else should take over the reunion duties. If you can’t handle the hodge-podge of harpies, get out of the hellish hyper-hoity hall in which you decided to interview them. I would cry a river of joy to have witnessed even ten minutes of Kathy Griffen or my personal favorite no-bullshitter, Tabitha from Shear Genius.

Or how about John McLaughlin from the McLaughlin Group? He can raise topics and issues, keep everyone to a specific time frame and then yell, “WRONG!” every time Jill says, “that’s not true,” in that ‘I dare you to catch me in a lie’ spoiled bitch voice of hers. How do you think he would get her to rank herself as a bitch on a scale from 0 meaning zero possibility and 10, meaning metaphysical certitude?

Uh, that would be a 10,000, John.

Miss Andy says hello to all the gals individually with Alex going all vixen on him when she says hello back.

They show Jill on the sofa of stupidity, her face a mask of diseased hatred. Jill is looking amazingly like a drag queen today, with her poofed and back combed hairdo and her inch thick foundation. Why, she’s Lady Bunny in an auburn wig!

And Bunny is a good friend of mine so I apologize, of course.

Kelly’s toned down her usual nasal whine to a babyish whisper as she’s barely audible when she says, “Hi, baby,” to him. She still loves to pander to men, doesn’t she?

Relax, astronaut. He’s a poofter.

Then LuLu stutters out some foofy reply about being glad to see him, it’s been a long time, yadda yadda, like she’s preparing for her etiquette master class. Gee, it must be hard to feel like you are on a snooty classy overly scrutinized stage all the time, no?

He asks if any of the ladies popped any xanax before coming and they all deny it. I believe them. They are going to need their wits about them to deal with the right hand sofa of sanctimony and subterfuge. Half of this part of the reunion is an amazing and clear case of Jill Zarin psychosis. She practicly lays it all out at our feet to dissect with perfect accuracy, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Hang on, Gasmii. This is going to take a while.

The tension in the air is palpable as Topic #1 is discussed- baby Brynn. Bethenny is swathed in ruffles like Cornelia Guest at her first cotillion and it’s hard to tell if she’s lost all the weight, but she looks great. All the swelling has gone down and she positively glows as she describes how happy she is right now.

He segues poorly into asking LuLu if she’s Grammy worthy yet and I watch as Jill pumps her leg back and forth nervously and Leather stares at the floor. There’s a HUGE difference between the energy coming from these two couches.

Team Bethenny is calm and serene, there’s a little too much sitting up straight on Alex’s part, but that’s because she’s practically foaming at the mouth to lay into everybody. Ramona and lady B have the air of those that know that popular opinion is on their side, and deservedly so.

Team Jill is a cacophony of Leather’s pretzeled legs, LuLu’s fear of being made to look a fool, not to mention her horror at the realization that she’s on the unpopular couch, and Jill is nervously confident that she can lie her way out of this, and failing that, bully her opponent into submission.

No changes here, folks! If you’re looking for some, may I suggest a tranny show on Logos?

Miss Andy comments that this season the show was “really mean,” and nobody jumps into the fray to address that charming fact until Ramona agrees with him, saying that it got especially dark between Bethenny and Jill. But we’re not starting with that. Instead, it’s all about Alex and Jill and me squirming in my seat over how much I want to stick a hairpin into Jill’s eye or force her to hang out at Leather’s house in the Hamptons all summer instead of LuLu’s, watching her on her own smomping grounds, slowly driving her insane.

That would be fabulous. But I’m sure that she’ll have a new home out there soon. She sold at the height of the market, right? She should have Giudice sized wads of cash lying around from the sale of her cedar shingled digs alone. Or maybe she’s just hiding that cash for Teresa until after the bankruptcy. I’ve said it before. Nothing surprises me with these women anymore.

We are shown the first of many rehash clips, this time it’s Alex and her build-up to the infamous message delivery. I appreciate the reminder. I had completely forgotten how evil Jill’s laugh was when Alex was trying to point out that she has nothing better to do than stir up trouble and act like a mean girl while Alex works her ass off srtuggling to stay afloat in this economy.

How does Jill have any friends? They all must be exactly like her because normal people with actual values and common decency would take one look at that scene and shun her like a leper in a bikini.

Ramona says “Go, Alex,” and it’s nice to see somebody sticking up for her for a change. In the past, she’s been on her own.

“I love you Alex. Now, have you tried TruReNewal for hives?”

Andy remarks on how much she’s changed this season but Alex tells him that she’s no different, she just finally let out all those feelings she kept bottled up inside. And then, BAM.

Hurricane Hives.

They talk about the build-up and how Alex would voice her concerns to others, receive an apology only to have it happen all over again. She says that she feels free to speak her mind now and liberated because of it, as Ramona gazes adoringly at her. Weird. Alex does look damn good, though. She whitened her teeth and got herself some hair and make-up worthy of her fragile fair angular beauty.
I love when that happens!

Especially when a certain hag is regressing in the complete opposite direction.

She admits to being a bit uncomfortable when she watched herself on the show, and wished that she could have communicated some of the things she said more smoothly, like with LuLu at Cocaine & Co-chure. The whole time she’s speaking, calmly I might add, Jill is white knuckling herself into some Allie sized arthritis.
Loosen up, baby.

You still vacation in st. Barts better than Alex AND in the busy season, right? Kadooz to you.

LuLu gets all defensive and she should be. She needs to take ownership of the fact that she butts into everyone’s business and hands out unsolicited advice from her not so lofty perch of perfectionism.

She talks over Alex before she even gets a chance to finish her point, and then Alex loses me for a second by saying, “Let me finish, Dear,” stooping to her level. She’s too good for that. I wish that she wouldn’t let everyone see that it bothers her so much to be ignored and shoved aside. Actually, she’s too good for this show PERIOD, but that’s a whole other can of worms.

The next part makes up for all that as Alex lambastes LuLu for taking sides with Jill while calling out anyone who dares side with Bethenny, all the while claiming to be neutral. LuLu tries to defend herself but just rambles off into other topics, only to have Alex bring her back around to the subject at hand.

LuLu isn’t the most articulate person, not for all her knowledge of foreign languages and societal rules. She’s the kind of person that has a pretty narrow frame of reference and an even more narrow comfort zone. When she falls out of those areas, she looks flustered and even stumbles over her words a bit. Not very noble of her, to be sure.

Alex doesn’t lose her cool, but LuLu kinda does. She seems to want to rewrite history, just like Jill. Maybe the bloom fell off the rose with her friendship with Jill and she’s trying to backtrack? Just a little? It’s hard to be sure with that one. We only get to see the tip of her iceberg, and unfortunately it’s the iceberg that kills eardrums.

Alex asks Jill for her reaction to Alex’s newfound voice and take a deep breath, Gasmii, here come the lies. First up, when Jill says she’s happy for someone, she’s not. She’s as pissed as a chubby chasing Bear with an anorexic boyfriend. How do I know this? Because she turns around and calls her a coward for delivering Bethenny’s message instead of her own.

A coward. Alex is a coward. Let’s examine the heights of Jill’s incredible feats of bravery for a moment, shall we? Yes, I think we shall. Just for comparison’s sake. I like to be fair, as you all know.

Let’s start with how incredibly fearless it was for her to put people on speaker phone without their knowledge of who might also be listening. It was also super gutsy of her to play all of Bethenny’s hobby message for the entire world to hear. Oh, she didn’t? My bad. On to the next.

She showed pluck and gallantry of the highest order when she hid behind a false name and impugned the reputation of Amazon’s number one reviewer, calling her an anti semite for dissing her book. She then heroically planted false, anonymous and patently vile stories about Bethenny in every gossip column from here to Tennerife. So dashing and daring, don’t you think? And that’s only the beginning!

She also bravely asked others not to film with Lady B and hid her bitchiness and evil behind her own husband’s cancer. Not brave, you say? Maybe even a wee bit dodgy and yellow bellied? Well, surely no one can disagree that it was incredibly gutsy of her to recruit Leather to do her bidding in St. John. She’s lucky she’s not in jail for aiding and abetting in Bethenny’s possible murder.

But Jill thinks Alex is a coward and she says so, so we should all believe her. She then goes on to tell Alex how she should have handled the situation by approaching her with her own issues, ignoring the fact that she tried to many times. You ignored her, CUNT. And when that didn’t work, you talked over her!

Bethenny sticks up for Alex and old Slim Jim opens her mouth to prompt Alex to close her legs. Really. This from a woman whose skirt was chosen because it flatters her pubic bone best and highlights the faint outline of her labia.

Don’t uncross those legs, leather! Your sunstroked hoo-hah might roll itself out and mess up Miss Andy’s pretty carpet.

Jill just keeps getting more and more absurd, interrupting Alex so that she can’t call her out for interrupting everyone all the time. It’s a freaking play by Moliere, it’s so preposterous. I love that she thinks that Alex cares that Jill says they’re not friends. Jill’s fine with that, by the way, just in case any of you cared either.

Ramona jokingly says, “You’re losing a lot of friends,” which prompts Jill to remind us all that Alex was never a friend, never a member of her fabulous circle of upholstering sycophants and moronic malingerers.

I’d say you dodged a bullet there, Alex McCord.

And find a brar that fits, ya slob. Your boobs are looking a bit wonky there. You’ve obviously been hanging around Kelly too much. Oh well, you gotta take friends where you can find them these days.

We’re back to Jill claiming to apologise even though it was LuLu that told the whole leg climbing Franky story to begin with. Someone needs to set her up with a refresher course on what an apology actually is. It’s not something you do to deflect blame back onto the person or circle the subject entirely by feeling bad about feelings instead of the actual heart of the matter, the fact that you fucked up and need to make amends. Jill’s the one that took the anecdote and turned it into an insult. The only thing that Jill will admit to is stirring the pot.

That’s what witches do, and you are one wart away from burning at the stake, my friend.

For some reason Miss Andy wants Alex to clarify what those 3 years of built-up resentment are all about. Come on. How the fuck is she going to explain ALL THAT? By now everyone knows that the opinions we had of Silex in the beginning were equal parts Jill’s machinations and Bravo’s willingness to go along with it.

Jill can sit there and demand examples but we have our own eyes and ears. We SAW the proof. I wish that Alex would say that. She does give out some perfect examples, though. She says that Jill fights dirty when she perceives a threat or wanders into the oft visited environs of her green eyed monster.

She goes to the gossip columns and plants stories and back stabs by trying to get people not to film with the object(s) of her anger. Bethenny pipes up that this is absolutely true, and we all heard about it before concerning the trip to St. John.

Leather doesn’t want to go there, and rightfully so, so she tries to prove how clever she is by saying that this Jill confrontation is like “a courtroom with no judge.” Thank you, Lady B for pointing out that the audience is the judge, all 2 million of us.

I’m serious. Someone put her in a cage. Give her a lollipop and a pretty bib with a unicorn on it and put her in a crate with a puppy and some adderall. THAT should keep her occupied for a while. She seems to subsist on candy and hiding her wonky tits under her hair and fur vests. That’s her in a nutshell. Why is she even here?

Jill says “Just because you say it doesn’t make it true,” and Alex tells her to throw her own damn self into that statement as well.

You would know, ya dumb cow.

Has Jill been spying on me? I say that all the time, maybe even in reference to her, I can’t remember. Ooooo. O just got a chill. I DO NOT want to have anything in common with that batty birdbrain. shivers, no lie. And I swear to GOD, the minute I wrote that Cleveland got hit by an actual earthquake. Someone call Zen Jen for me, ugh!

Jill tries to defend herself by saying that they all plant stories but Alex gently reminds the well-meaning hell-leaning moron that that might be true, only they don’t plant malicious ones. They just put stuff out there to promote their ventures. Successful ventures, I might add.

Alex even points out that Jill has signed her name to a few which Jill lies and denies once again, then deflects by trying to insinuate that Alex tries to do the same thing to her but no one listened to her. That’s rich. Alex wanting or needing to plant unflattering stories about Jill.

Your own actions are taking care of that quite nicely, thank you very much.

Here comes another idiotic viewer question- why did Alex forgive Bethenny and Ramona, and not Jill? Allow me to answer that, even though Alex has every right to forgive whomever she wants whenever she wants, let’s not forget one important fact. Jill is the one that started the whole Silex hate in the first place. I know that their grown women and can make up their own minds but the whole reason that they treated Silex like shit to begin with was because of Jill. She planted her usual opinions as fact and even we the viewers fell for it! Eventually they gave Alex a chance and found her to be a genuinely lovely human being, so fuck you, Jill!

Alex doesn’t tell Jill to fuck off, sigh. She tells her that Bethenny and Ramona atoned for their behaviour and never did it again, unlike Jill who talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. And didn’t you love Jill’s face when the question was asked? She thought that Alex wasn’t going to be able to defend herself. Man, her face fell when she found out that she could!

She just can’t help but dig herself an even bigger hole and she asks for Alex to give examples of anything bad she did to her after Saks. Wow. Unlike you, Alex doesn’t have a bad memory. You sat next to her husband and said that she channeled the devil and then said that she didn’t have the face for modeling, you chinless crackpot of a cretin!

Jill’s little ploy didn’t work so now she has to resort to a new one. The old, “It didn’t come out right,” excuse. That’s her M.O. Lie, deny, and if that doesn’t work, you backtrack and diffuse by saying you didn’t mean it. Is she too old to get slapped? Gloria needs to break out the paddle and teach this girl some sense. She really is still in high school. That is a classic example of female bullying. Classic.

I almost stood up and cheered when Alex said that basic civility is a good thing, maybe Jill should try it sometime. Most people don’t do things that require apology after apology. It’s called having a moral compass and sadly, there isn’t an app for that. It ain’t in the toolbar on your iPhone.

We finally come to the subject of Alex’s hives and she explains that she’s light skinned and they come out to play when she gets emotional or upset. I can relate. I turn beet red when I’m angry, I can’t lie for shit because of it and any exertion or heat turns me as red as Jill is orange. Only I WILL hit. And bite, and claw and slap.

I’m not proud of it but it’s happened. I broke a kid’s nose when I was 12 because he was bullying my brother. He lied and said he fell. Ha! I’m not afraid to go to jail if I feel that someone is being awful, but I only do it if someone doesn’t listen to reason first. I’m not a bully and I don’t condone violence. A lot of you may disagree with me but some people need a good smack. Animals walk amongst us in human form. It’s true. Just look at the Jersey franchise. Reasoning is futile. Nothing gets a message across to some people like a good cattle prod to the face. Okay, I’ve said too much as it is. Moving on.

Here comes another one of those moments when an insulting question is asked and the sofa of prima dodos get smug looks on their faces, only to have them fall a minute later when they see Alex’s response.

I thought that it was incredibly rude for Miss Andy to read a viewer mail asking why Simon looked so bloated this season. Jill exchanged smirks with her co-horts, not expecting her to be able to wrangle her way out of admitting that Simon drinks too much. Well, it turns out that he quit smoking and put on a couple of pounds. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you arrogant twits.

Good for him. It’s been almost a year for me and a lot of us know how hard it can be. The fact that he only gained six pounds is miraculous! He is over six feet, though. He has way more wiggle room than most of us gals, but a future filled wth Speedo sightings, I can do without.

It’s Ramonacoaster time, and we begin the wild ride of renewal and wacky outbursts with the cameron Diaz haircut and the runway walk for the ages. Turtle time and calling LuLu a liar at Saks. Looking gorgeous and fit and then making Bethenny cry on the Brooklyn Bridge. I cringed, I laughed and I was thoroughly entertained by her own special brand of tomfoolery and lust for life that anyone can envy, even if she is an alien life form.

Seriously, there is no one on this planet anything like her and I gobbled it up with as much delight as Jill takes in her Google alerts. As far as I’m concerned SHE is the heart of this franchise, not Jill. She can be awful and ornery but she does dole out heartfelt apologies when she knows that she’s wrong. I was never Team Jill or Team Ramona, but I’ll take turtle time over laying around in Jill’s bed any day.

This loose cannon should be canonized, as far as I’m concerned.

She is a Bravo goldmine and should be paid accordingly.

Miss Andy comments that she whacked all the ladies in one form or another with a 2×4, all except Alex. Good. Alex got enough crap from Ramona the last two years. Besides, Alex got her shit together. Her life improved, as did her home and her looks. Not much to find fault with, really.

Ramona sticks to her guns when it comes to LuLu saying shit about not wanting Silex in her home and I don’t know who to believe. They don’t like each other, never have, and I could care less.

The first viewer card that Andy reads says that even though Ramona claimed to be renewing herself, she still insulted her way across the NYC landscape and acted rude on several occasions. True, all true.

Ramona wonders why, if that’s the case, is she more popular than ever, and I will be an ass and admit that I didn’t mind her rudeness one bit since it was directed at completely deserving assholes as well. Except for Bethenny, of course, but she can dish it out too, as well as take it.

Ramona insists that she’s changed but I’m not buying it. I agree with Alex, I never expected her to do a complete 180 and start hanging out with hippies or wafting into rooms on clouds of patchouli as sitar music plays in the background. She found a way to express her gratitude to those around her and she stopped crawling up the asses of those she loves, giving everyone enough breathing room for a change.

The bitch sofa gets in an uproar over Ramona’s claiming not to have a filter and priggish Jill sits there like she’s too busy smelling her own vainglorious farts to utter any words. I hate her shoes too.

Appropriate that they’re green, though.

She is so jealous of Ramona, it’s palpable. She envies her body, her hot husband, how everything she touches turns to gold, and Ramona says what she thinks to people’s faces, even if she does try to use that ‘telling it like it is’ excuse for being impertinent.

She gives an example by saying that LuLu wears endless quantities of one-shouldered purple dresses which she takes as an insult which it was not meant to be, as pointed out by Bethenny. LuLu does not speak Alien. Clearly.

She DOES wear too many damn purple dresses. maybe she thinks the color of royalty will rub off on her countless ass.

Ramona reminds them of how much they talk behind her back and LuLu’s excuse is as old as outdated nobilty- everybody does it! If you are going to use that argument, you automatically lose, I decided. It’s a cop-out and it’s lazy thinking. Besides, no one was paying any attention to her when she said it which was funny in itself.

I’m 45. I know that I will be 46 in two months. If I’m having a particularly blonde moment or drink too much Dooley’s before breakfast, I have a driver’s license I can check.

How are we supposed to believe that Ramona doesn’t know her own age? She also deflect the question about injectables, still claiming to be surgery free. Geez, Ramona. Everyone knows that you’re the oldest housewife. NO ONE CARES. You should be proud of how you look! Don’t boast of being a good business woman and then negate your independent actions by lying about your age! It’s silly at best and backward at worst.

They show the runway walk again and Bethenny laughs as Ramona admits to being mortified by her instant gif sensation. Andy asks if she was also embarrassed by her behaviour on the Hooter’s yacht, that old drunken smooch she planted on the guy before blacking out during turtle time. She told Mario and he was fine with it.

The couch of conceited cockamamie queerballs is united in it’s imperious persnickity pooh-poohing of such outlandish shenanigans, with Leather voicing her inconsequential disdain and LuLu saying “why do you think they’ve been married so long, ” in an effort to remind us all how Mario puts up with so much.

Woman, not everyone is a “European” philandering putane! Not everybody fucks around on their spouse in some kind of refined worldly manner like you and your ex anti semitic hubby. She was drunk on a boat! I’d hate to see you held up to the same kind of scrutiny. There aren’t enough scarlet A’s in the universe to sew into your suede boots and sweater dresses.

Thank God that Alex and Bethenny come to Ramona’s defense and remind Leather that Ramona makes out with everyone, even Lady B, she said so herself in St. John. Ramona kisses Bethenny on the cheek and Leather loses another pathetic war of words again. Indiscretion? You want to talk indiscretion? You wouldn’t know discretion if it bit you on your beef jerked ass, you dried up brown has-been.

And some guy fuck her already! This is getting ridiculous. She’s rapidly approaching her expiration date and with cured meat products that’s at least ten years.

Here’s a question for Jill. Were you rude at Ramona’s TruReNewal party? “A little.” She’s lucky because Ramona lets it go. It’s all part of her renewal, people. She doesn’t hold grudges, unlike frowning Miss Smarty Pants.

I have a question, what’s Jill going to blame her stress on now that Allie is going off to college and Bawby is healthy, Ginger’s farts? Now she really needs to get a hobby. Might I suggest buzzsaw juggling and alligator wrangling? It does wonders for your quads.

Ramona says that if she could erase one comment from the season, it would be the mean stuff she said to Bethenny on the bridge. Smompy the Pompous Ass asks, “Oh really, not that I’m stupid?” But ya are, Leather, ya are!

Ramona tries to give another example of how it was just something that she blurted out, that she calls Avery stupid too. She doesn’t, she was just trying to make Leather feel better, and Leather tells her to never call her daughter stupid. It’s not nice. It’s systematic name calling, I tell you!

Someone make a PSA!

I swear that I turn into Ren every time she opens her mouth, saying “Eeeeedeeeuht,” over and over in my head, hence the brain puss I was referring to earlier. Bethenny’s montage of ‘having it all’ couldn’t have come at a better time.

She gets teary when she describes Brynn again and tells everyone how great Jason is for coming along on this wild fame ride with her and then she gets up to show off her post-pregnancy body.

You can tell that she’s grateful for everything she has and then Jill interjects some pablum about God switching your plans, only to have Bethenny ignore her and say that she’s living proof that you can have it all.

IF YOU WORK AT IT, lazy hobby-less loser.

Everyone ooo’s and ahh’s over her figure but she downplays it by saying that the baby was early and she just tried to be healthy. Jill’s over on her size zero ass trying to ingratiate herself with comlpliments, only to get a very perfunctory, “Good,” out of her. We all know that Bethenny hates how Jill put so much emphasis on the external, and that was a perfect example.

Kelly can’t relate. She sits there confused with her saline sacks and wanting so bad to be able to say something shitty to her, she just doesn’t know how. That’s okay. She’s about to look like an eeeedeeeuht again. It’s what she does best.

It’s time to confront whether or not Bethenny is a media whore, and she faces it head on by saying that she’s grateful for the press. It’s helped bring her to where she is today. Her success from all the press attention is what is allowing her to pay for a nurse for Brynn and come to the reunion in the first place.

Ramona says that she gave Bethenny shit for it because she thought she was blabbing to Page 6 but she has since changed her tune, and we come full circle to Leather.

Miss Andy asks her what she meant by saying that Bethenny put her family in the press, with her only explanation being, “Who else would?” which she said to Sonja crying in St. John. All that comes out of Leather’s mouth is a bunch of muddled gobbledeegook, partly of her own delusional imagination, and partly from Jill’s rabid encouragement of all the Bethenny hate.

Kelly doesn’t want to argue or deal with any bothersome facts. Or hearsay, even though she practically bases everything she does on nebulous commodities like hearsay while claiming authenticity.

Bethenny wants some answers but trying to get Leather to give you a straight answer is like trying to nail bubbles to a wall or get Jill to say she’s sorry without qualifying it somehow. She doesn’t understand how people converse. She’s blatantly uncomfortable with admitting any faults or culpability. It’s pathological.

“People were doing stuff, and things and….,” and then Miss Andy finally interjects himself into a conversation and helps her out by asking, “You mean her PR people?” I wish that he would shut up and let her keep going down her chaotic psychotic shit spiral, but no.

Alex pipes up and says that she’s never read anything bad about Kelly’s family, Leather tries to dismiss her with, “Thanks, Alex,” and then looks to Miss Andy for more help. You know, i don’t feel one iota of pity for that bully. She’s an awful person. It’s clear to me that she’s been treating people like shit for ages. I’ve known plenty of people with mental issues. It cannot be used to excuse being an asshole.

Bethenny tells her that she hasn’t mentioned her name to the press all season, and Alex points out that Leather surely has been using Lady B’s. There was a whole article about Bethenny’s pregnancy where Leather doled out unsolicited advice.

Kelly says that she just gave out some general tips, “Alex McCord, don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Yeah, Alex. Nyaah nyaah, nyah nyah nyah!”

Alex tells her that she didn’t, and they have a little back and forth, a classic case of trying to get the last word in. Kelly’s over it, Gasmii! Great, now fuck off and go hump your plastic horse, you bag of bad mannered bluster. Nobody gives a fuck.

Andy interrupts to say that the issue won’t be resolved, and I am geting sick of the way he handles Kelly with kid gloves. Why isn’t she being taken to task like everyone else? What is going on here? And don’t act like you’re pressed for time, buddy. This is a three hour reunion! I’m pretty sure that you had plenty of time to ‘resolve the issue.’

The issue of Bethenny showing her tush while peeing on a stick comes up and she jokes about drawing the line at banging Jason on camera. Jill looks at her through eyes squinted down to judgmental slits, and who cares? Everyone has a gripe, including the fact that we didn’t get to see Jason propose.

Leather opens her parched abrasive beak and asks her why she didn’t show the actual urine stream because, “If you’re gonna be real, be real.” More jealousy, and yet another failed attempt at being clever. I’d hate to see her peeing on a stick.

And how would I tell the difference?

The next viewer question addresses the fact that Bethenny engaging Kelly is futile, like shooting a fly with an AK-47. Leather loves this comment. In her own delusional mind, it proves that she was being bullied. Bethenny agrees with the viewer because she knows that she can be caustic, and she knows that she is light years ahead of her in intellect and insight.

We haven’t heard from LuLu in a while, and she chooses this moment to remind us all that she warned Leather against going to St. John, saying that she would be a pitiful scared bunny lost and alone in the woods with all the big bad wolves, like Alex. Did she even watch those episodes?

What is SHE on?

Leather hangs her head like the martyred Joan of Arc she fancies herself to be, and none of us are falling for it. She was a fucking bitch to a grieving pregnant woman, not a bullied underdog. She, in turn, is feeling generous and tells Bethenny that she’s “clear that Bethenny Frankel herself did not call Richard Johnson of Page 6.”

Why do I keep quoting her, you ask? Because she’s nuts and I don’t want anyone to confuse her words for mine, that’s why.

Ramona gets a hot flash. Somebody give the 50-something renewed Romulan a glass of water and some Premarin, please! Nope, they make her sit back down because it’s only five minutes until lunch. Five loooooong minutes.

Is Miss Andy related to Sonja? He’s just as charmingly cross eyed. I wish he were single and straight. They could get together, maybe even get married one day and sit for an amazingly wonky eyed portrait. I don’t always notice it, just like I don’t always notice it on Sonja.

maybe drinking uncrosses them.

Sheesh. I’m only halfway through my notes and we’re just now coming to the topic of THE FIGHT. We are served up a charming montage of Jill making shitty remarks about flowers meaning nothing since she got them from the mailman when Bawby was sick, the cut short hobby phone message replay, cutting Bethenny out of her life LIKE CANCER, let’s not forget that little gem that dropped out of Jill’s mouth, and everything being blown out of proportion.

The hate is refreshed in my mind as Bethenny delivers her tearful, “I’m not perfect,” at Ramona’s and Bawby tries to give Jill sound advice, only to be ignored.

There’s so much that happened, and I’m noticing more. The wording jill uses. Like running out at the last minute to make a fuss over Bethenny’s engagement right before she left the party and blaming it on her by saying “You ran out before I could congratulate you.” Little digs. Little passive aggressive funny business like that.

We relive the lunch and the finality of a friendship that has been destroyed by foolishness and out and out meanness. Jill says that she doesn’t want to discuss it. It’s only THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE ENTIRE SEASON but she doesn’t want to talk about it.

COWARD.

Here come the tears and excuses. “I was in a bad place, I had just dropped Allie off at school on her first last day of school (WTF?), there was weird energy at Jill Stuart and sometimes the cameras do change how you act.” Mmm hmm. Do tell.

She’s really sorry that she didn’t let it go, that she held a grudge for too long, She loves Bethenny, she really does, Gasmii. How sad and pathetic. Don’t fall for her act. She’s a liar. Her tears are real because she feels real pity FOR HERSELF, not remorse.

“I’m just a New York bitch, I didn’t mean it when I said we were done.” She says it’s an expression that she’s used with Allie many a time, clearly taking cues from what Ramona said earlier! She evn borrows Leather’s “Zip it” expression as an example of an equally harmless phrase that just so happened to be delivered by an asshole.

Please, Leather meant it, and so did you! Jill says that she was scared to be around Bethenny during her pregnancy but tried to find out what was going on “from a distance.” You know, Google alerts and TweetMaxine. We all know how that turned out.

Bethenny sniffs that little nosed sniffle of hers and I’ve come to find that it’s her involuntary way of letting us know that her Jill BS meter is going off. She did it all through the lunch at Le Cirque as well.

Since Bethenny isn’t responding she tries a little emotional blackmail with, “If we were ever friends…..we should be able to get past this.” Oopsy, that sniffle just went red alert, and here comes Lady B and letting her have it.

She tells Jill to cut the bullshit and stop reading your prepared statements and what other people (like us, Gasmii) have been saying. She’s going to cut to the chase, ready or not, here it comes.

They were close, Jill was genuinely happy for Bethenny’s success, then the show and subsequent fame got to her and she went from nurturing to clingy and grasping. She wanted to participate in every aspect of Bethenny’s newfound fame and riches, which is absurd, and then the evil Jill face comes right back out.
Didn’t take long, now did it?

She says that she wanted to do stuff WITH Bethenny, you know- share. Look at her face! Look at that! You can’t hide that kind of rottenness. Doesn’t she see that along with the rest of the world?

Bethenny has a list of her own and she’s going to go right down the line. YAY! She starts from the very beginning when Jill went around telling everyone that she and Bawby were responsible for getting Bethenny on the show. Jill lies and denies but Bethenny is adamant. She says that she has an email to prove it and here we are back to that second strategy of Jill’s, the whole “prove it,” that comes after the denial.

That, and the failed memory excuse. It never happened because Jill doesn’t remember it! Good Lord, if i ever did something that vile, you better believe that I’d remember it. Jill must be pretty damn heinous not to recall any of her vile lies. Maybe that’s the only way she can live with herself, feigning memory loss.

Bethenny brings up Jill’s giant ledger of demerits and gold stars. You know the one. The power point spread sheet that always adds up to Jill being right. And ALONE, I might add.

Who invites a friend to stay with them and then acts like they were the sole means of that person’s survival? It was a couple of weekends in the Hamptons, not a year’s worth of paid rent in trump Tower, for Goodness sakes!

One little apple of truth fall from Jill’s mouth. She admits that Bethenny had no idea how sick Bawby was. She realizes that now. HUH? You didn’t at the time? Stupid. Freaking unreal.

Bethenny gives her leeway for not knowing how sick her dad was, says that they texted cordially all summer only to have the shit hit the fan when the cameras started rolling. BOOM. Jill tried to slay Bethenny, that big bad dragon Bethenny that was flying naked without fur all over the Manhattan skyline.

You can guess what’s next. Lies and denials. Bethenny reminds her that she di everything in her power to ensure that her new show would be a failure, even telling Alex and Ramona not to film with her.

“That’s not true.” Um, there sitting right there refuting you. “What did I say?” Um, YOU SAID ‘DON’T FILM WITH BETHENNY.’ You know, because it would sabotage her show. “I did not say that bit about sabotaging Bethenny’s show.” Okay, so you admit it then?

Wow, this woman can’t keep up with her own lies. Leather doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Too many icky feelings. Jill doesn’t remember any calls, to be perfectly honest with you, Andy. She can’t even remember to let Ginger out to take a shit, how can she recall every single phone call? It’s madness to expect her to, really.

If I were the rest of the women, the sane ones anyway, I’d have a chat over lunch with my pals and agree to pull the same stunt with Jill. Every time she volleys an accusation, pull a Clinton and say that you don’t recall. It works for her, right? Okay, not really. It’s childish, but I would not be able to resist the urge to fuck with her.

There’s a lovely moment of screaming and yelling and then LuLu pulls out the “everybody does it” card again. Everyone except for Alex has asked the others not to film with one of the other women, and even she remembers Jill telling her not to film with bethenny and let her go off and do her own show.

It sounded to her like she wanted to cut Bethenny out of the Housewives franchise and it all makes sense. It’s all so clear when you think about it. Jill really did have a plan. She told the others that it wouldn’t be a big deal because Bethenny was leaving anyway. I guess that makes it okay when you have no conscience.

One more little fact from our timeline this year. Jill didn’t change her tune until her popularity plummeted and you better believe that Bethenny noticed. More denial. It can’t be true because Jill sent flowers to Bethenny before any of this shit hit the fan.

So did the mailman, hypocrite!

I’m getting a serious migraine so let’s wind this up, so I can move on to the next installment and rot my brain some more. They rehash that old argument over whether Jill asked to discuss their fight off camera at Ramona’s and Ramona points out that Jill started the fight ON CAMERA. It’s a reality show. You can’t pick and choose what gets shown.

You can’t claim that the fight started before filming, fake some confusion and then think that you can refuse to make-up on camera and come out smelling like a rose! Besides, we all know Jill’s a hypocrite and we all know why she wouldn’t reconcile on camera. She wasn’t in control, and she wasn’t prepared with her list of lies and practiced superiority. Everything else is just semantics.

Bethenny says that she can admit that she’s changed and so should Jill. She’s become superficial and lives her life in public, just like she accused Bethenny of doing. Jill says that it isn’t true. She does plenty of stuff off camera. Like AMAZONGATE, perhaps? Hmm?

She’s starting to sweat too. Did you notice? She’s losing control. It’s beautiful to behold. Bethenny jokes that she should be followed around by a court reporter and isn’t there a video of that exact joke? Help me out, gasmii.

JIll insists that she’s changed and we’re all going to see it TODAY. I haven’t seen the rest of the reunion. Is this true? Just kidding, hahahahaha! As if!

The hits keep on coming as Bethenny tells everyone that Jason can’t stand Jill. When he first met her she went on and on about herself and her possessions, never once asking anything about him. She was too busy bragging about her boots and some stupid step and repeat she got invited to. What a loser.

The hour ends with Jill crying that she misses Bethenny and getting up to leave the room. She walks off set like a monster in Louboutins just learning to walk in the tower at Frankenstein’s castle.

It ain’t easy bein’ green.

The remaining ladies speak of another monster known as fame, Leather mumbles some nonsense, zeroes in on Alex and mumbles something she thinks is insulting. I”m though trying to explain her. It’s a complete waste of time. I love you guys, though! Come join me for the next round. We can get trashed and go through my stash of anti anxiety meds together!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlor