Welcome back for the grand finale of Real Housewives of NYC! But don’t worry kids, if you’re craving more after this, I’m sure the reunion specials will be a 16 part episode arc. It’s like Miss Andy is personally out to kill me.
We begin with the lulling sounds of Luann’s music video. Ahhh. Nothing like a tonally deaf drag queen to sooth the nerves. C’est la vie! We join Luann as her music producer describes what they’re going to do to the song in post…
“There’s a good chance that you’ll sound like a cross between WALL-E and Ru Paul when we’re done with this.”
Then a big surprise comes out!
What’s going to freak everyone out is when a black & white version of her father walks in behind her.
It’s Natalie Cole! And she’s there because….? Oh right. Because Luann’s a “singer” and Natalie admires her “classy” work. Oh God. I hope Bravo’s paying Natalie a shit-ton of money to be there. I really don’t want to have to lose respect for this woman because of her taste in music.
Although it’s definitely a highlight when Natalie does her impression of Luann singing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” and does it in the lowest, drag queeniest tone that she can. Luann thinks it’s a hoot and decides to ask Natalie to her and Jacques’ “1 year anniversary” party – to which Natalie replies “YES” and that she’ll sing at it. WHAT?! Let’s not pretend this wasn’t planned – BUT I still can’t believe Natalie’s doing it! Did she already burn through all that “Unforgettable” money?! Or maybe the magical amulet around her neck is making her do it?!
Meanwhile, Rammy and Mario are having a dinner party! Simon walks in and Mario, noticing he’s wearing pink, says, “Good thing I didn’t wear pink too!” To which Simon was thinking, “WHY!?! ARE YOU ____!?! OMGOMGOMGOMG! WEAR ME!!!”
Once they all sit down, the couples chat about Rammy wanting another child while Mario nervously sits there and ponders how he’ll support another child along with the 13 illegitimate children he has on the side. I kid! I’m sure it isn’t more than 10.
Rammy then points out that Avery wants her to have another baby right now. Ummm… is Avery knocking you up, taking care of and/or paying for the baby? Cause if not, maybe you shouldn’t let your children influence these decisions. Avery’s probably just hoping for a baby anchor that forces you to stay at home for more than 20 minutes without also being able to chug Pinot Grigio.
Awesome. The dog is in on it too. I guess it’d have to be, being the only thing in the house willing to impregnate Rammy.
Ugh. Alright. Let’s just get off this subject before I mouth vomit.
I’m going to need an icepick for the imagery portion of my brain.
The only consolation for me hearing that is watching Simon listen to it. He’s pretty close to curling up into a ball and stuffing his ears with Mario’s dick so he doesn’t have to listen to anymore.
THANK GOD for Sonja’s entrance (never thought I’d say that!) to change the subject! They all sit down to a delicious dinner which, of course, Sonja has to mention she could’ve cooked in her toaster oven. Girl is DESPERATE to plug that shitty book of hers.
Then the subject changes to maiden names, etc and Sonja pops THE BIGGEST LIE OF THE WHOLE SEASON. “I have a stack of stationary with the name “Morgan” printed on it so I’m not giving up my name until I’ve used all of that up.” BITCH, you’re NEVER giving that name up. We ALL know it’s the last attachment you have to wealth and you’re gonna ride it straight into the ground. If that is true about the stationary, I’m guessing it’s piled a mile high and the only time you send a letter is to order more stationary.
Then Alex gets a phone call in the middle of dinner and just HAS to take it. Why?! Is there something wrong with Francois?! Did he find one of Daddy’s toys and impale himself with it?! NO. It’s Luann. And apparently Alex just HAS to take it so that she can pretend to be at a HUGE party that Luann wasn’t invited to as Luann invites her to the anniversary party. #forceddrama
Later in the week, Alex attends her first PAYING photo shoot gig.
Unless it’s for the “before” photo of a Proactive commercial, there may be a problem.
Then she asks if she’s “cool” enough to be in this magazine…
She looks like Mad Madame Mim from “Sword in the Stone”. I’ll wait while you Google it…. Am I right?!
Just as things are about to get started, Simon shows up to pick Alex up and gets all pissy that she’s running behind schedule. Ugh, Simon. Shut up, sit down and mean-tweet. We all know you don’t have anywhere important to be. ESPECIALLY if anywhere else is without cameras.
So what does he do? Sits down and brings up how Alex made the US Weekly’s worst dressed of 2010. If I was Alex I would’ve walked over and beat the creep out of him. Luckily his punishment is sitting there watching Alex try on all the fancy dresses that he dreams of prancing around in.
Meanwhile, across town, Sonja and Cindy meet up again because they’re besties! Kidding. They meet up again to conjure up some drama for the big finale. And what better place than a flower shop surrounded by roses?!
I hope it ends like this.
So the girls take a moment to relax around the flowers and discuss why they don’t get along. Cindy says that there are two Sonja Morgan’s (Stop it! There’s at least 20.) Then Sonja calls Cindy rude for taking a call during breakfast at her house. Sonja tells Cindy that she could learn something from her since she “didn’t get where she is by falling off a potato truck.” Close. You got there by marrying a vegetable.
Then Sonja goes off on Cindy – which, although Sonja is ridic, I can’t blame her. It was completely rude of Cindy and she was TOTALLY doing it to seem like a big, important business lady. If you own the business, you call the shots and can certainly push a call one hour until after you’ve had breakfast. Yes, things may come up during the RH shooting schedule, but if she really wanted to she could’ve moved the call – no doubt – she WANTED to take that call in the middle of breakfast. Which is fine – be a bitch to Sonja. Just don’t pretend it was for any other reason.
Cindy then retorts that SHE was trying to help SONJA with business-sense by letting her listen in on the call. Yikes. Probably not gonna happen. That’s like sleeping on a book and hoping the words will seep into your brain. Not gonna happen. Also I’m pretty sure Sonja already knows how to wax her chooch.
Then they argue about who treats “the help” the worst. LADIES! Just agree on the fact that you both treat the help like shit. Sonja has her houseboy wipe her ass and Cindy calls hers at the last minute to come play wet nurse at a restaurant if she doesn’t feel like dealing with the twins. You’re both assholes. Congrats.
Then, just as it looks like Cindy’s about to swallow Sonja whole, she gets up and storms out! DAMN IT! I would’ve died laughing if she chipped a tooth eating Sonja.
But not before Cindy can “pull a Zarin” and say, “I’m done with you! I’m done!” Yeah!!! Moving on!
Later on, Sonja meets with bestie Rammy so that they can relax and talk about how Rammy might be prego—
MENOPAUSE SAYS WHAT?!?!
That’s right! Rammy drops the prego bomb on Sonja and she’s just as shocked as the rest of us.
Her eyebrows haven’t been able to move that far north since the 70′s.
Rammy says it’s because her boobs are swollen. She’s either covering for a boob job she had done or is completely oblivious about menopause. Or both. Honey, the only thing you’re giving birth to is the abused, PG-soaked liver that’s floating around inside you.
Finally, on the SS Tone Deaf, we join Luann and Jacques as they celebrate their anniversary. Alex arrives and comments that she promises not to push Luann off the boat. Cue music: “Ya gotta have friiiiieeeeeends! bah bah bah bah bah! Frriiiieeeends!” Thanks Bette!
The rest of the group arrives and Kelly’s the first to notice that Simon and Alex are on their phones “tweeting”.
I wouldn’t say they’re “tweeting”.
Finally the blonde, leopard-print bobsies arrive – Rammy & Sonja! Jill tells Luann she should tear Rammy out for being late but Luann decides to avoid the drama. WOW! Two steps forward for Luann and one step back for Jill.
Then Rammy takes Mario aside and tells him that something’s up. He guesses “boob job”. Oh Mario. You wish. Because that would be soooo much easier to handle than the unnecessary mind-fuck your wife is about to put you through.
Awww. He looks like a proud Papa. It also looks like Rammy’s gonna get an early refresher on cleaning the crap out of someone’s pants.
Rammy tells him that she hasn’t done the test yet – but her boobs are big. So it’s GOT to be that. Jesus, does she also think she’s pregnant every time she gets salt-bloated?! For every pretzel she eats she must be high-tailing it to CVS for pregnancy tests. “It’s the only explanation!”
Over at the dinner table, Kelly, Cindy and Simon explain what “throwing your keys in a punch bowl” a la “swingers” means to Jill.
“Step 1) Backhand your wife unconscious. Step 2) Find the set of keys belonging to the hottest guy in the room.”
Meanwhile, Mario is confessing to Sonja that he knows about Rammy’s possible pregnancy…
Who here’s going to be surprised when we learn that he’s been banging Sonja all along? No one? Yeah that’s what I thought. Rammy put your hand down.
On the other side of the boat, Luann is prepping Noel (her son) on his duties as Natalie Cole’s escort.
His name is Noel, he’s on “Real Housewives” and he looks like a young Chaz Bono. How many lockers does this poor kid get shoved into in a day?
Rammy and Sonja then take off to the bathroom so that Rammy can take a pregnancy test (perfect timing, no?!) and Chief Inspector Jill Zarin isn’t about to let THAT go unnoticed. Jill drags Cindy with her to follow the twins to the toilet and see WTF is going on. Jill says it’s because two women going to the bathroom together is weird. BULLSHIT. Zarin you know that you can’t RESIST being left out of something and where the camera’s are headed – so shall you go.
Come out with your hands up! And bring the cameras with you!!!
So then of course Alex shows up to defend the twins and shoo Jill away. It’s hysterical how much it’s IRKING Jill that she can’t figure out what’s going on. Little does she know what she’s missing!
OH PLLEEEEASE let her chug a bottle of PG!!!
Once the girls get out of the bathroom, they get the 3rd degree from Jill and BAAAAWBY about what they’re hiding. Luckily Sonja is able to just babble nonsense long enough for Jill to give up. Until she gives a hint about Rammy “glowing” which then clues Jill in. Typical, make a big deal about secrecy and then let it fly – all before knowing the truth. Welcome to the circus folks!
But before Jill can skewer Rammy any further, Luann makes the big announcement that she has a surprise! Oh FML. Is she prego too?! Nope! It’s Natalie Cole! And all the girls are appropriately impressed. Ya gotta hand it to Luann. And then of course Sonja says that she’s an old friend of Natalie’s. Mmm hmm. I’m sure every person you’ve ever seen perform at an event from across the room is your “best friend” afterwards.
“Oh my gawd! These photos are gonna make me so much moola on eBay!”
So Luann and NC start singing away together…
I feel so bad for the dolphins that were swimming nearby. Their ears are still bleeding out.
And poor Natalie Cole. Now she’s famous for dueting with a dead guy AND dueting with someone that sounds like a dead guy.
The ladies finish up and Luann says that she thinks that she was the only one Jacques saw that night. It’s true. Everyone knows it’s hard to look away from a train wreck. And speaking of train wrecks…
This is Mario checking Sonja’s ass out after she walks away. True story. Feel free to go take a shower now. I know I am. ICK.
Finally the twins return to the bathroom to take the pregnancy test because Rammy can finally pee. But not before the epilogues begin with wistful montage music…
Cue Ally transferring to a school in Nairobi. As long as they still have sex ed.
“C” is also for “Collecting Unemployment.” Which I’m pretty sure she’ll learn quick post-RHONYC.
Gross. I’ll pay for her to receive new panties, a shirt and burlap bag to put over her body.
By which they mean, the number of assistants she has to call on to do shit is a full line.
Is Santa like the Wizard? Can he also bring a brain?
And menopause. That too.
She’ll NEVER title change. And any duet she’s in will surely not even make it to the charts.
And that’s it! We end with a big love-fest on the deck of the boat with Luann saying that all these bitches are like family to her.
By which she means, there’ll all tied to each other against their will and it’ll most likely end in resentment… and divorce.
And that’s it for the season!!! I wish I could say I’m officially done – but thanks to Ms. Andy (bitch) there are 2 reunion specials to get through! Oy. But let me hear what y’all think so far! Did you feel like it was a good season? Things end the way you thought they would?! Any big hopes for the final reunion show? Other than bloodshed of course. Come on kids and DISH IT!!!