RHONYC: A Whole New World (To Ruin)

We’re back in NYC for the next Chapter of Real Housewives of… MOROCCO?! Wait – what? Apparently we’ve run out of places to have lunch and fundaisers in NYC so it’s time to flee town and bring the world a glimpse of the shit show that is REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC… Mo-Rockin’ Edition!

We join the ladies on their flight above the Atlantic while LuAnn informs them all she’s already learned to say “Dah-ling” in Arabic. Fantastic.

As long as you haven’t learned to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” in Arabic. It could only get worse in another language.

Jill interjects that she thinks that Moroccans got “Salaam” from mishearing the Jew’s “Shalom”. Yes, Jill. All of the languages of the world are rooted in people misunderstanding each other and making shit up. You’re a cunning linguist. She then toasts with everyone and uses the toast, “Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t, can go fuck themselves.” Classy. I’m almost POSITIVE they’ll be hearing that second part in Arabic by trip’s end. If the flight attendants haven’t said it yet, that is.

Finally they arrive and…

How much you wanna bet Kelly starts screaming, “It’s Aladdin!!!” everytime she sees one of these guys. $10 says she brought her Disney autograph book.

Apparently they’re on their way to stay at a place that Brad Pitt “just left”. I can’t IMAGINE why he decided to flee suddenly. Being on this show would do SO much for his career. Like ruin it, for instance.

The ladies arrive to the gorgeous hotel and are very excited. I’m so jealous. They’re not going to appreciate shit and they’re gonna ruin it. You know Sonja’s gonna “forget her underwear” and leave a snail trail all over everything.

Meanwhile, Team Blonde has boarded their plane and is enroute. Ramona’s already panicking there won’t be Pinot Grigio (PLEASE bitch, we know what 90% of your suitcase contains) and Alex takes a moment to call Simon and say goodbye…

Unfortunately he can’t hear her over the Go-Go boys doing blow off his dick.

Team Brunette is acclimating to Morocco with their first cup of authentic tea.

They’re gonna do for Moroccan tourism what the Icelandic volcano did for Europe.

The next day, while Team Brunette waits for Team Blonde to arrive, they do what every friend would do – gossip and bitch about them. LuAnn’s pissed because Ramona’s already asked for the staff to unpack her belongings. I know LuAnn’s upset that she didn’t think of it first, but come on, how long can it take to put 50 bottles of pinot grigio in a wine rack?

Team Blonde is on the ground and enroute and Ramona’s already complaining that everything looks “dirty” and she’s seeing “poverty all over”. I know, right? Couldn’t they cage those poor children up somewhere so Ramona doesn’t have to see them?! They’re ruining her buzz!!! (Side note: I literally hope she chokes on her pinot-soaked tongue.)

Alex says she “loves Ramona and Sonja” but their offensive nature can make her cringe. TOO LATE ALEX!!! You made your Blonde-bed, now sleep with them in their 600 thread count sheets. You’ll need all 600 threads to protect yourself from the flames of everlasting damnation.

Team Blonde finally arrives and LuAnn greets them at the door as if she’s lived there all her life. She then brings all the ladies in for some drinks but all Sonja can do is worry about her friggin’ suitcases full of hats. So she finally sneaks back out to the van and starts chatting with the guard who’s watching their things.

“Hey bestie, how do you say, ‘I don’t trust you or your people.’ in your gibberish language?”

Finally Ramona can’t take it any longer and asks to go to her room to unpack, etc. After the blondes leave, Kelly makes a comment that she thinks things are going well because they all seem happy, to which Jill replies…

Sadly, the all-knowing Oracle-witch speaks the truth.

Team Blonde begins to unpack and reveals to LuAnn some of the racey outfits that they brought.

I LOVE Kelly’s look of, “Oh @#%.”! Too late to turn back Kelly! Enjoy Morocco now because there’s a 99% chance they’ll be ripping your passport up and sending you home in a few days.

Meanwhile, Ramona is driving the lady helping her unpack nuts. She’s got shit everywhere and has brought the most ridiculous outfits.

Those shorts are gonna look AMAZING on you for the town stoning.

She also brought weights in her suitcase…

“What else was I suppose to bring to smash Jill’s skull with?!”

While Sonja and Ramona unpack, Team Brunette dishes about their scandalous outfits and the fact that their faces are going to melt in the sun. Jill even comments that Ramona constantly gets work done and that “doctors are NOT the fountain of youth.”

This from the lady who went to Australia and came back with shitty presents and a new face.

Somehow the convo gets switched over to “sex” and Cindy asks Kelly if she’s ever seen a sex tape – to which Kelly says, “No.” WHAT?!! Oh wait. I get it. Trick answer. She’s BEEN in many – just never SEEN them. Tricky girl!

After divulging that Cindy likes to watch natural sex tapes (aka porn with ugly people), she heads to her room to find something more scandalous then the dirtiest of porn…

MISSING HANGERS!!!!

That’s right kids! Some bitch stole Cindy’s mutha-fuckin’ hangers and she’s PISSED! Ramona and Sonja immediately declare their innocence but Cindy’s not buying it. She storms off after accusing them and after hearing the blondes ridicule her finger-pointing, storms BACK for another round! She snaps at the girls and then heads off again while Alex pokes her nose out to see if she can get in the mix…

It would’ve made my YEAR if she poked her head out and had like 40 hangers in her hands.

Ramona makes the comment that Cindy needs to “lighten up” and that she needs “a hanger up her butt!”

A hanger up her ass?! Why?! Is she pregnant AGAIN?!

Cindy then cries to LuAnn about it and of course LuAnn runs off to make sure “everyone’s happy”. Since the theme is “language translation” today – I’ll translate. In LuAnn-ese, “Make sure everyone’s happy” translates to “STIR SHIT UP.”

So she suddenly appears with more hangers for Team Blonde…

You just KNOW that LuAnn took those hangers from Cindy’s room! SHIT STARTER!!! Can’t you see the cash from the producers hanging out of the back of her smock?!

After the commercial break, we find Sonja and Ramona trying to sneak away…

Uh oh. Watch out Ramona! The only time Sonja relaxes in a car is when her panties are off and her heels are digging into the roof.

Warden LuAnn is NOT happy about the unscheduled excursion. Though I agree, it’s rude to go on a group vacation and then just sneak off and not tell anyone. And WTF are they doing? There’s no way there’s a Pinot Bar open at this hour.

LuAnn scurries back over to Team Brunette where they’re all aghast at Rammy and Sonj peacing out. Jills actually cracking me up with her “tellin’ it like it is” this episode. She just says, “Who the fuck goes for a ride into the desert?!” Well, to be fair, they were probably on the way to meet Jesus and tempt him or something.

Kelly then starts to dish about Sonja and says that she’s not all that because she’s living in her husband’s old apartment which is in desperate need of renovation. OH GIRL. You are just begging to get thrown into the mix, aren’t you?! There’s no crying about being bullied now! You just lobbed a fucking grenade in a glass house with tacky glass furniture.

Team Bru then heads out to go shopping! Oooh!

“I can show you the world! Class and money is splendid! Tell me Cindy, now when did you know that your heart had died?”

Being the crafty Jewess she is, Jill is out for a bargain at the stores and teaches the girls the conversion rates. Which, in turn, Kelly just stares blankly and looks like she’s going to dump a bunch of dirty nickels and buttons out of her purse and ask how much it is.

While shopping, Jill runs into one of her gay besties, Brad, and his Liza. He then invites her to his birthday party back at the house and asks Jill to bring all her friends. UNTIL he hears that Ramona’s there (like he didn’t already know) and is hesitant. Jill is, of course, THRILLED that he doesn’t like Rammy.

Brad meets the other ladies and then dishes (Simon’s gonna be SO pissed when he learns the girls found a new 8th housewife) that Rammy had snubbed him at an event and now he’s out for blood.

I have a feeling that this will be waiting at his front door.

The girls return home later that day and LuAnn peeks her head upstairs to invite Team Blonde down for a surprise. However, they just run off instead. LuAnn is NOT happy.

I imagine this will be the same face when she learns Jacques has been “le fucking” half the continental US.

And while Sonja and Rammy are running around upstairs – what do we learn?! SONJA DIDN’T BRING UNDERWEAR!!! UGH. I hate it when I’m right. At least, I mean I hate it when I’m right about exposed vaginal areas. Ick.

Soon the ladies stumble down to which is most certainly a snake pit of bitchiness. LuAnn is BENT about being stood up for lunch while Jill is ecstatic about telling Rammy that Brad (who hates her) is in town! Rammy pretends to be excited but you can just sense the “Oh !@#%!” in her. Can Ramona possibly go up against Jill AND a snarky gay bitch?! She better pop open a bottle of her Pinot Gummi Berri juice and hope for the best!

Then we find out that Sonja and Rammy actually went to a 5 star hotel and chilled all day. Oh. Well that must’ve been nice! I wonder which hotel they went to…

Yup. That makes sense.

Once LuAnn’s given a sufficient guilt trip. She invites a special guest in that’s a famous Moroccan designer – of “delicious caftans”! That’s an unfortunate description. Jill’s now going to insist that hers be made of chocolate.

However, Jill’s the one that behaves herself while Ramona acts like a total asshole with the designer.

Well this should go smashingly.

Rammy keeps giving him instructions and asks him to make sure her caftan shows off her cleavage. If I was him I’d make the caftan incredibly tight and revealing and then give her the address of the red light district and tell her there’s a wine bar there.

Meanwhile, Sonja is concerned about her ass fitting into it…

Congrats on being the only person in the world who’d say that out loud. Not even Kim Kardashian wants to be Kim Kardashian. Especially her ass.

As the evening progresses, Team Blonde becomes chilly and asks for someone to put a log on the fire. So naturally they ask the designer to do it. Alex is furious at their rudeness but I don’t think she realizes that Sonja means something else when she asks a man to put a log on the fire. And she’s definitely gonna wanna leave the room when Sonja asks him to hose the fire down.

Finally after listening to Sonja and Rammy bitch about their being no “help” to put wood on the fire (there’s no “ding ding” bell and no one can hear Sonja tap her ring on the table… SERIOUSLY), Alex just gets up, walks 20 feet, grabs the logs and comes back.

Alex, you impressed me with your do-it-yourself attitude. But you would’ve been my hero if you took the two pieces of wood and cracked those two bitches upside the head with them. Though I can understand, Pinot-soaked blood would never come out of that couch.

Later that night, the ladies “brave” the streets of Morocco to go to the birthday party.

Look! The perfect “Sex and the City” shot!

The ladies all arrive at the house party to discover… it’s not a “house” party. It’s a party at a bed and breakfast. Apparently Brad pulled a “Salahi” and said it was his house when it was really just a B&B.

Side note: This guy’s so gay he shits rainbows.

And since we’re at a party, it’s only appropriate that Rammy starts to have a meltdown that she doesn’t have a glass of Pinot yet. Someone says to just give her “Chardonnay” and she reacts like they said “Camel Piss”. What a dumb bitch. Like the taste of chardonnay is going to be SO revolting that she can’t just drink it to be polite. In the words of Zarin, “I’M DONE.”

As the girls mingle we learn that in the car on the way over, Sonja told the “funny” story about Cindy taking her to meet the fashion lady but GOT NO LUNCH. OMG. Bitch STILL hasn’t gotten over that. I SWEAR if I was Cindy, I would’ve casually walked over to the buffet, grabbed a hunk of whatever was there, walked over to Sonja, grabbed her hair, held her head back and jammed the food down her throat while screaming, “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING LUUUUUUNCH!!!! EA IT YOU CUUUUUNT!!!!”

Instead Cindy just whines that is wasn’t a funny story to tell. Ugh. TAKE THE OFFENSIVE! She should’ve said “OMG I LOVE funny stories! Like the time you went commando at your crap cellar-party and everyone thought you were total trash and then I fucked your artist boyfriend! Funny times! Yeah! Cheers!”

And then folks, the snake came out. And I’m not talking about LuAnn. They bring a fucking snake out. I’ve mentioned this before but I HATE snakes. I’m literally ophiophobic. That’s latin for “total pussy when snakes are involved”. So I’m gonna do my best here. Ew. I’m sick already.

EW. EW. EW. EW. FUCKING EW. GROSS. WANNA CRY. CAN’T DO IT. They’re playing instruments to it and trying to kiss it. This is what I can see through my fingers. The only thing that makes it worse is Brad’s shrill voice in the background saying how amazing it is. Yeah. Amazing like your house party. Then the thing shoots shit all over and it’s venom not jism so Sonja’s appalled of course. Especially since being shot with jism is the only way she can tell it’s the end of another week.

And who’s the one lady that’s not FREAKING out about the snakes (NOT that I blame them)…

Medusa herself.

You know when she opens her eyes there’ll be a room full of statues. But, instead there’s dancing and merriment. Which makes sense when there’s venomous snakes in the room. I guess these ladies are so used to pretending that they’re not surrounded by venomous snakes that it’s no big deal.

Ya gotta love this shot. The two dumb blondes loving up on each other while Jill does the drunk “one hand in the air while drinking with the other one” move.

And then there’s Kelly trying to impress the cute guy. TRYING.

I’d love it if he turned to her and was like, “You know who I love?! Elle Macpherson!”

Next up, Brad says that he has another surprise! If it’s a python, I quit. Wait… nope! It’s a fortune teller! Oooh! First up is Jill and LuAnn does the translating. LuAnn says the teller says Jill has a big heart and a big mouth. Big surprise. Clearly the fortune-teller watches Bravo. LuAnn should’ve had some fun and said, “OH MY GOD! She said you’ll be bitten by a snake and DIE in the next hour! EEK! Oh and Bethenny is going to be a multi-millionaire.”

Sonja learns that she shouldn’t look for money and Kelly learns she should pop another money-eater out. But enough about them – let’s get to the drama – RAMONA! The best is the collective gasp that comes out after the teller speaks. Also that Kelly turns to get the fuck out of there when she hears it. At least she’s getting slightly smarter.

So the teller says that “there’s another woman”. And everyone freaks out that it means Rammy’s hubby is nailing some other wine-chugging broad while she’s in Morocco. Ya know, if I paid a fortune teller to come to my party, I’d probably be like “Ummm – make sure everyone has fun – ya know – keep it light – maybe don’t mention cheating husbands.” PARTY FAIL, BRAD!

Oh well. At least this is all bringing us one step closer to this moment:

She gets her face to match the hideous color of that dress. And leave it to Rammy to make sure her tits are in full view even during a meltdown.

And that’s it! Great start to the greatest of bestie vacations! I can’t wait to see LuAnn get owned by that camel! What’s everyone think so far?! Agree with my comments? Still Team Blonde or Team Bru?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!

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