Welcome back Real Housewives of NYC lovahs! Great to have y’all back for what seems like the 30th episode of the season. If I had a Sweet 16 party I’d invite ALL of you! As long as it was on the same day that you were holding yours. But enough about RHONYC birthday parties – last week’s parties were enough to last me a loooong time! So let’s get to it – Rammy has something to show the girls!
Oh for FUCK’S SAKE!!! ANOTHER #$%@# BIRTHDAY PARTY?! Wasn’t ruining your daughter’s enough?!
Apparently Rammy’s throwing a surprise party for her and decided to add Sonja in to the mix as a surprise. How much you wanna bet it started out as a surprise for Sonja and Rammy decided to make it about her too. Especially since (and I can’t believe I looked this up) Rammy’s birthday is Nov 18th and Sonja’s is Nov 25th and the party is DEC 7TH.
But at least they already found Sonja a gift she can hang above her bed.
Rammy says that she’s doing it because Sonja has given people so much (herpes). She starts to tear up talking about it and Kelly and Alex just start cooing all over her. GROSS. When the fuck did these three start getting along and going out together?
The party planner then comes out and shows them the whole area for the party. I’d bitch about yet another “party-planning” episode but I’m just happy it’s not a “lunch” or a “fundraising event”. Do these “housewives” ever grocery shop, cook dinner, take care of the kids, etc?! I know. I’m crazy.
Rammy says she’s super excited because this is going to beat her own daughter’s sweet 16. Awww… She’s so sweet to her daughter.
Give it time and this will be Rammy.
Next we join Cindy at a launch of hers where people are getting sparkly tattoos.
No glove, no love.
I’d complain but that guy looked hot. So it’d only be out of jealousy. I keep it real. Although having people show their pubes in the middle of an event isn’t the swankiest thing I’ve ever seen. Isn’t this suppose to be about waxing? Ugh and the next guy wasn’t even hot. Sick.
Speaking of gross, Simon arrives with Alex and Jill says she’s going to shave his chest. It’d be awesome if she took out a rusty chef’s knife to do it with.
Kelly then arrives, LATE. Is she late to every single event?! Now we probably have to hear her apologize for the next 20 minutes.
Simon then approaches Jill and tells her even though she “burned the past” with Alex in the pit, he’s not over it yet and he wants to meet for lunch. JIll!!! HOW could you miss this opportunity to say, “BITCH you AIN’T a HOUSEWIFE and we will NEVAH have lunch!!!” Instead she agrees.
Kelly pretends to be mad she wasn’t asked…
But really I just think she’s mad they wouldn’t film her apology for being late.
Kelly then mentions that she’s never met a man that’s wanted to meet for lunch to discuss things. That’s not true! PLENTY of men do that…
Like this one…
And this one…
And these two are about to have lunch right now. Plenty of men do it. Simon’s totally normal.
Kelly then convinces Jill to go up and tell Simon she doesn’t want to meet with him because he’s ridiculous (basically). I can’t wait to watch her crush his dreams of more screen time.
So she’s goes up to him and says everything is water under the bridge and that they should move on but he disagrees. Then (my fav part) Jill asks, “Then why are we having lunch?” UMMM… THAT line could be asked for pretty much 85% of the episodes this whole season. Hate each other? THEN WHY ARE YOU HAVING LUNCH?!!?
She tells him she’s getting along fine with Alex and that it’s not necessary to which he replies, “You feel your way and I’ll feel mine. WATCH OUT.” WHHHHHHAAAAT?!?! P-S-Y-C-H-O! This bitch thinks he’s a housewife!!!
Then Jill walks back over and tells the ladies as LuAnn arrives. Does anyone else notice that LuAnn always arrives just as the shit hits the fan at every event? And then she gets to do her dumb guffaw of “What just happened?!” and make a quip? If LuAnn ever shows up to your party – and shit hasn’t gone down yet – DUCK.
Jill wants to know why Simon’s obsessed with the “mean-tweeting”. Is this a new thing? What’s mean-tweeting? Is that what I’m doing right now?!!?? OMG am I Simon?!?!!?!!?!
(please hold for nervous breakdown)
Aaaand I’m back. Turns out I’m not Simon because I’m employed and I’m not a desperate housewife. Whew.
LuAnn throws her two cents in and agrees with Kelly who then goes to get Simon who refuses to come to Jesus— JILL. Then Alex decides to sweep him away (his HERO!) but not before he berates Kelly and tells her he’s going to “tweet” her. WHAT THE FUCK?! Kelly’s now all worked up about the “mean-tweeting” too. I can’t wait to see someone explain to Sonja what a “tweet” is. She’s totally gonna be like, “Oh yeah I know – my man servant twitters my twat ’til i tweet all day long.”
My favorite part is “Homo Housewife Alpha” getting all up in this shit for camera time. Wasn’t getting the fortune-teller to try and wreck Rammy’s marriage enough?!
Meanwhile, Simon’s outside trying to instruct Alex what one does with their hand on the other side of a glory hole. (If this doesn’t get me mean-tweeted, I don’t know WHAT will.)
Simon tries to explain to Alex what happened (sugar-coating it) and Alex seems defeated but knows she’s gotta stick with the one person that doesn’t want to smack her when she opens her mouth. And the ladies inside decide to steer clear of Simon from now on. Hang out in straight bars, that oughtta do the trick.
Let’s check in on Sonja!
Who’s scrubbing toilets to pay off her debt! Awww… kidding. It’s her own toilet. You can tell by the remnants of dead rodents and missing children in it. Food’s expensive. Time’s are hard.
She then makes a big deal about cutting back on money and the lack of help. This is right before…
We find out she’s hired a FUCKING FENG SHUI EXPERT. Seriously?!?!
So glad this lady arrived though. Sonja had ordered the most sexually charged plumber ever…
And we were moments away from one of these scenes. Yikes. And I do NOT want to see her pipes get cleaned.
Aaaaand I spoke too soon.
So Sonja does the work herself and what does she pull out of the toilet?!
A BLACKBERRY! Funny. Ironically enough those things are a piece of shit. PS – How great would it be if the first thing that pops up is a mean-tweet from Simon?
The FS expert tells Sonja they have to arrange her house so that she’s not so vulnerable. I’d start by selling it and moving into something that you can afford instead of burying yourself in debt. Of you could move around furniture and “cleanse the environment”. Either way.
Sonja tells the lady that she brought her there to throw away old things and start clean. And this was impossible to do by yourself? She then bursts into tears and says everyone’s after her and jealous of her. Might wanna try cleansing that conscience while you’re at it.
The lady then bullshits her about pointing shit towards the right chi and prosperity and this, that and the other thing. BUUUUULLLLLSHIIIIIIT.
Actually you might be on to something with fumigating the bed.
And that’s all the lady does. Moves some shit around and lights incense. After “Hypnotist”, make this the second job I need to get. If she gets paid more than a subway fare she’s making out well.
Meanwhile over at Jill’s house, she’s invited the Cuntess and Kelly Bean over to help her paint.
By which she means, “Shoot the shit about Simon while this non-cast-member does all the work.”
It’s revealed that Simon’s apparently been “cyber-bullying Jill” and getting other people to cyber-bully her.
“DAMMIT SIMON! LEAVE JILL ALONE!!!”
I guess Simon’s getting into the social networking business and trying to boost his business by bitching about the ladies. Good lord. As if he couldn’t get any lamer. Spending all of your time bitching about these ladies online. (Radio Silence) FML.
Meanwhile over the bridge, Alex and Simon dish about the sitch with Jill. Alex questions what the point of her reconciling with Jill was if she’s not getting along with Simon. BECAUSE HE DOESN’T MATTER AND HE HAS NO REASON TO BE ANGRY AT HER?!! Ugh. Obviously it’s clear he’s just trying to pick a fight with her so he can juice all over his blog about it. Creep.
Oooh look how sexy he is. Just reclining and dishing about the girls. What a sexy man beast.
Alex says that she can’t have a relationship with Jill if Simon doesn’t. Nooo!!! How are they ever gonna swing with her and BAWBY?! (Go ahead and let that image fully appear in your mind.)
Later on, it’s party time (again)!
“Ohhh… and you two came as…ummm… hooker and her priest?”
They offer to take Simon’s coat and he says he’d be naked if he took that off. Can you imagine what the inside of that thing smells like? My guess is “A run-down gay sauna circa 1975 mixed with used cigarettes and a hint of desperation”. Feel free to post your own ideas below! Let’s “mean-tweet” it!
Mario makes a crack that Simon’s wearing a mumu and although I think he’s smarmy, I love him a lil’ for it.
WATCH OUT!!! He’s right behind you! And he’s wearing a splatter-proof outfit!
Sonja starts freaking out that Sonja’s going to be there any minute and keeps pushing people towards the door.
It would’ve made my year if she whipped around and sent this lady rocketing towards the staircase.
But this was ALMOST as good though! Oh lady, whoever you are, be glad.
Meanwhile Jill is badgering the poor cater waiter about what’s in the scallops. I hate to say it but she’s quickly becoming my fav. What a delightful pain in the ass to watch. I’d love to follow her around just to watch her piss people off all day.
Suddenly Sonja arrives and it’s the world’s most awkward “surprise” at a surprise party ever. Kelly walks her over while Rammy just crazy eyes her and tells her to take off her coat. And then man handles her a bit. It’s really awkward and creepy. What’s next?
“It takes its coat off or it gets sprayed with the non-Ramona Pinot Grigio!”
Rammy then tells her it’s a surprise for her too and has to show her the invite she sent out for proof. Then Rammy tells her that in lieu of gifts she had everyone donate to Sonja’s fav charity, ASPCA. This would’ve been the perfect time for Sonja to lose her shit and start screaming
“I’M FUCKING BANKRUPT AND YOU HAD EVERYONE GIVE MONEY TO FUCKING PUPPIES?!! YOU STUPID FUCKING BIIIIIITCH I’LL RIP YOUR GOOGLY EYES OUT!!!!”
But instead she walks the awkward rose-receiving line. And everyone gives her love and keeps reiterating “It’s your party too!” It sounds like when a kid gets jealous of their sibling’s birthday and the mother shuts them up by saying, “You’re special and it’s your day too!” Bullshit. No it’s not.
BTW what’s up with all the rocker violinists at parties? Were they on liquidation sale or something?
Cindy then arrives and since Rammy is wasted already, she brings up how they “hit a bump” but now they’re lovey-dovey. The booze hound doesn’t stop there though! She then staggers over to Simon and UNZIPS HIS MUMU…
AHHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!? YOU OPENED THE ARC OF THE COVENANT!!!
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!
Meanwhile, just as it looks like Rammy and Jill are getting along (Jill COMPLIMENTS Rammy on the party!), Rammy brings up not being invited to Jill’s spanx research group. Jill deflects and says it was her business partner’s idea (LIES!) but apologizes anyways to Rammy and said she learned her lesson. WHAT?!?! There’s no lesson-learning on Real Housewives!!! DO OVER!
Then Rammy whisks Sonja over to another area where Mario’s waiting with a surprise…
I hope it’s the “other woman” behind the doors. That’d be the best present EVER… for the rest of us.
Nope! (Damn.) It’s a slide show of old photos of the girls.
“Awww… remember when you were MARRIED?!?” Jesus. I hope they’re following the slide show up with a vicodin/prozac cocktail.
So the ladies finish watching the photos and although Sonja tries to rile Rammy up about the people who no-showed, Rammy just says that it’s fine and they’ll have a great time anyways. WHAT THE FUCK. Who slipped WHAT in Jill and Rammy’s drinks tonight?!
Gummi Berri Juice mixed with unicorn tears and virgin blood! I knew it!
Later that week, Cindy and Rammy have lunch so that Rammy can give Cindy pointers on nailing men. Cindy says she’s just wrapped up with her kids and not interested. Wow. That was a mind-blowing lunch.
At yet another lunch, Cindy brings a twin to see her parents. Aww how sweet!
$10 says he doesn’t make it to dessert.
So after 10 minutes with the child, Cindy does what every mother would do, calls someone at her office to come and take the kid away. I. CAN’T. EVEN. @$@#%!$ She then says she needs a break and wants to get away. WHY THE @#$%! DID SHE HAVE KIDS?! To make sure someone will be around to wax her ass when she’s 85?! Her parents seem like they’re more grounded than she is – but then again – they seemed to have raised a spoiled brat themselves.
At yet another sit-down meal, Alex and Kelly meet to eat…
This sentence alone is indicative of their location. Is there anywhere else in the US where someone would say they want “A” pancake? Other than LA that is.
Kelly then confronts Alex about Simon’s mean-tweeting and Alex just deflects and says she should talk to Simon about it herself. UMMMM NO. I agree with Kelly on this one. Fuck your husband and his meddling to try and get more screen time. Tell him to take a page from Mario and Bawby – STFU and pay the pills.
And although I’m guessing it’s the editing, Kelly doesn’t shut up for a second so we can hear Alex’s piss-poor defense as to why her husband is tweeting about the other ladies. Alex just keeps saying it’s between them and Simon – not her. And that no one knows her.
The Kelly points out that Alex is getting red (per usual) and Alex is all…
RED?!? I’M NOT TURNING RED!!! AHHHHH!!!! (Cue her jumping through window)
Kelly just keeps berating her and saying they’re worried about her and throws a “Just STOP getting red!” in there as well. And of course all Alex can do is stutter and get redder and redder. So Kelly just comes to the conclusion that Alex is going to get “iced out”. Oohhh DAMN! BOOM! Then they decide to eat a pancake. Because that’s the most rational thing to do at this moment.
And that’s it! I’m so confused!!! Everyone loves then hates then loves then hates each other! Although we can all agree everyone hates Simon. What a douche. (Mean-tweet incooooooming!) What’d everyone think?! Come on and mean-tweet it! (Unless it’s about me. In which case please mail it with a self-addressed stamped envelope.)