RHONYC: Armageddon Part 1

Welcome back everyone! It’s been soooo long that a reunion is well needed! I feel like I haven’t written about this bitches in day—. Grrrr…. Now let’s get to it so we can finally close the book on the shit show that we know, love and mostly hate – Real Housewives of NYC!

Bitch, we don’t want to be here either but we have to. At least you’re getting paid.

Miss Andy begins with asking Rammy the big question of the finale: Are you prego?! And she responds with “No – I’m on my period right now.”

Hence her choice of a red dress and Miss Andy’s choice of a reddish couch. Well played.

Then we get treated to our first montage of clips, “Big Fights at the Wrong Time!” My fav was the fight over who was speaking at the marriage event. Remember? The only group of people that can be more dramatic than a giant gathering of gays protesting something.

Then a delightful montage of “Alex was an Argumentative Bitch” this season! I don’t understand why these montages aren’t saved for the Oscars. So much drama and conviction! Streep could take some notes.

Miss Andy begins by questioning Sonja why she wouldn’t let Simon speak at the event. Now, because Alex and Sonja are on the “same side”, suddenly it was a BIG misunderstanding! I like what you’re doing Miss Andy – divide and conquer! While Alex tries to make excuses for Sonja, Jill and Kelly are on the other wise making cracks about what BS it is. Then the party where Sonja threw Alex gets brought up and again, they defend each other because they’re “good now”.

This is all from the BBU Treaty of 2011 that Alex signed, “Blonde Bitches Unite” (or Alex gets backhanded.)

Alex then points out that if it wasn’t for their fight, marriage equality wouldn’t have gotten the air time that it did and it may have not passed in NY. Yes. You hear that NY gays?! If it wasn’t for these two fighting on a show (on a network that only women and gays watch) about who gets to be the center of attention and then give a non-sensical speech about gay rights – you wouldn’t be able to get married today! I hope Gov. Cuomo pays thanks to them everyday for their help in passing his legislation.

“Are you @$%ing kidding me?!”

Jill then presses Sonja about how she felt when Simon “attacked her” in order to cause more friction between the blondes. Oh Jill – subtly has never been your strongest quality. Any minute she’s going to throw a microphone down between the two of them and make them fight to the death over it.

Kelly then gets asked what gave her the right to call Alex “weird” and “inauthentic”. Kelly says that it’s because she cares and she’s being nice. To which she adds, “Cosmo voted me the ’5 Most Nice Celebrity’”! Luckily it was based on kindness and not grammar. Alex then claims that Kelly was never nice to her and she only “believes what her BFF’s have told her”. OHHH SNAP! BBU throws down the gauntlet at NBBU (No-Blonde Bitches Unite)! Which is total bullshit…

One needs a brain first in order for it to be washed.

HAHAHAHA – then Kelly throws the “you’re getting red now!” line that always sends Alex into a tailspin. It’s the ultimate trump card really.

After the commercial break, we’re treated to a montage of “Sonja Pretends to be Rich but is Actually Broke-Ass Poor”. Miss Andy then reveals that it was a John Travolta movie that was the reason Sonja got sued over finances. DAMN! I would’ve LOVED to see that movie!

“The Sonja Morgan Story” as played by John Travolta

Sonja then explains her financial woes – which I’m sure alot of us would actually feel sorry for her if she hand’t spent the better part of the season acting like a rich, spoiled brat who demanded service and enjoyed expensive lunches, spa therapies and paid for a feng shui expert. In short: FUCK. YOU.

She then launches into a tearfest because her marriage, AKA financial security, fell apart. She also defends her fabulous lunches because apparently they’re free meals being that she’s a “restaurant consultant” and brings them publicity. Ahhhh. And I’m sure all of those places thank you for getting into a loud, public argument in the middle of their establishment while a film crew trampled all over everything. Well done.

After the commercial, Ms Andy confronts Sonja about the awful things viewers and Kelly has said about her. Kelly has a chance to take back what she said (Sonja’s house is dirty) but stands by it while the rest of NBBU backs off. Careful Kelly! Don’t throw stones in glass houses! Even if they’re dirty and serve meals from a toaster oven.

Ms. Andy then calls Kelly out since she didn’t pay for HER house (see: Glass House) and Kelly says she wasn’t “criticizing” Sonja for not owning her house – just for acting like “Madame Morgan”. Luann agrees with Kelly and the hen house goes apeshit. Cindy then makes her first accusation and says that Sonja shouldn’t act like she’s high and mighty, claim to be the victim and then put other people down. Then we cut to commercial. Why? Because Cindy had to open her fucking mouth and talk.

After the commercial break, we’re treated to a montage of Jill & Rammy…

Here’s the full-length version if anyone wants to watch it.

The subject of Rammy bringing the wine to Jill’s party and then drinking it gets brought up, and as Jill explains her side Alex keeps chirping up about it. To which Jill snaps, “STAY OUT OF IT, YOU!!!” HAHAHA. Love it. Right or wrong – I love Alex being told to STFU. If Jill lunges for her throat it’ll be the greatest RH moment EVER.

Next issue: Jill making a crack about Rammy wearing cream to a wedding. Jill tries to make excuses and Alex says, “It’s worse to call someone a <bleep>ing bitch at a wedding than it is to wear white.” I don’t know. I just went to a wedding wear everyone called the girl that wore white (not the bride) a “fucking bitch”. So maybe… truce? Jill then says point blank to Alex, “YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH!” Well. Guess not on that truce.

Then Jill confronts Rammy about the things she wrote about her on her blog. Ugh. I feel like we’re all about to be pulled into a black whole of “She said / She said”. I honestly think I’d rather eat one of Sonja’s toaster oven meals than recap the oncoming bitchfest.

Bethenny then gets brought up (EVERYONE DRINK!!! -this has been a game all season – whenever Bethenny gets mentioned you drink – if you’re just joining us – you’re 23 shots behind – I’ll wait….)

Jill says that Bethenny scared her because of her “biting tongue”.

I believe this sums up what Bethenny might be thinking.

Alex tries to interject (again) and this time Jill screams, “YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!” Well, Alex is certainly getting her wish about Jill telling things to her face. Besties!

Ms. Andy tries to call Rammy out on the shit she’s said and Rammy says she never does it to be mean. LOL. These bitches crack my shit up. That’s like clubbing a baby seal to death and saying you were only trying to get the flies off of it.

Somehow the husbands get brought up and Rammy says the she wishes Jill’s hubby was as great as hers! Uh oh. Did you just call BAWWWWBBY a shitty husband?

The last known whereabouts of the RHONYC Reunion.

So Jill screams back – Rammy calls her a loser – screaming erupts and Ms. Andy loses his shit – telling the “beasts” to “SHUT UP!!!” Oh Ms. Andy – you asked for it – and you’re gonna earn that paycheck today.

I’m not gonna lie – I pretty much blacked out for the next 5 minutes and had to go back. YEARS OFF MY LIFE. They basically start screaming at each other over Jill saying that Mario cheated and then Mario confronting her at a buffet (best part). First offense: Screaming at a lady. Worst offense: Interrupting a Jewish woman at a buffet.

Then they start disagreeing about who said what on the show and yell at each other to “watch it again!” WATCH IT AGAIN?! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy! WATCH THIS SHIT TWICE!?!? These women are evil.

After the commercial, we’re treated to a montage of “Ramonya: The Story of Twins Separated at the Brain”. Together they form one whole train of thought! Which is quickly derailed.

Ms. Andy then asks Sonja about her lack of underwear and why she likes to show her “vagonya”. I’d like to ask Ms. Andy why he loves to make words with the name “Sonja” in them. I feel bad for the guy that has to go down on his self-named, “Bone-ya”.

Kelly, certifying herself as an idiot, then complains that she was “hurt” when she saw Sonya’s vagonya. Oh Kelly, just because it burned your retina and turned you to stone, doesn’t mean her vagonya was rude.

BAD VAGONYA! Now that IS rude!

Then we get to see a montage of “Kelly isn’t as Bat Shit Crazy as Last Season but Just as Dumb”. It’s pretty great for the moments where she talks to Alex like she’s a fucking idiot and Alex just boils. Speaking of which, Alex flips out when Kelly says that she’s finally gotten the chance to speak without interruption and cries that she was “railroaded” all season by her. Then she makes a comment about Kelly’s remark of “Who’s going to finish my tattoo?! Santa?!” and Luann snaps, “Oh Alex – you have better comments than that up your sleeve.”

If this isn’t a shit-eating, “eat shit Alex” grin, then I don’t know WHAT is. Perfect!

Ms. Andy then questions Kelly about her previous abuse. It’s a touching moment that could’ve only been made better if Alex jumped across the coffee table while shrieking, “I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT YOU BITCH!!!” Ahhh – we can’t have everything though.

Ms. Andy also questions Kelly about making fun of Bethenny’s margaritas which have made her a bajillion dollars. Kelly says she’s happy for her but not jealous – she asks, “What would I be jealous of?” I wish Ms Andy would’ve replied, “Oh -I’m sorry – you didn’t hear me – SHE’S MAKING A BAJILLION FUCKING DOLLARS OFF OF IT AND CAN BUY YOU NOW!”

It’s now time for Cindy’s montage, “Who the Fuck Is That – Oh Wait it’s the New Girl with the Teeth”. After the montage, things heat up between Rammy and Cindy over the wedding, cigar and the accusation that her brother wore Rammy’s (deceased) best friend’s suit. Ick. I hope that’s not true. Then Alex tries to but her head in (AGAIN) and Cindy tells her to shut up – which Alex then retorts, “YOU NEED TO GET LAID!!!”

And what does Cindy say?!?! BARELY ANYTHING!!!! AARGG!!!!!!!! This is the defining reason why you need to get off the show. Alex handed her head to you on a silver platter with that comment!!!! CINDY!!! You could’ve said a MILLION GREAT lines back to her…
1) If you call getting laid dressing in menswear and taking it in the pooper than I’m cool not getting laid.
2) I’d rather not get laid then have to hold my husband afterwards while he cries.
3) Bitch if you think any of us believe Simon’s dipping his stick in anything but boy butter – you’re INSANE.
4) When Simon fucks you – is it difficult washing his vomit out of whatever atrocious outfit you were wearing?
5) I’d rather be a virgin than read my husbands tweets about Clay Aiken being better in bed – while he’s fucking me.

SEE?!! Five comments right off the top of my head!!! UGH!!! FAIL CINDY! FAIL!!!!!!

Then Ms. Andy asks Cindy about her relationship with Rammy who says it went “A-wire”. Hmmm… you mean “haywire”? Right Rammy? Apparently it went “a-wire”, according to Rammy, when the “brunettes got involved”.

Priceless reaction. A vision of innocence.

But Cindy really only has a target on one person and that’s SONJA. She’s still pissed about the “pecking order” comment and tries to go at her. BUT – JILL of all people tries to get Cindy to back down a bit. Hmmm – it’s like the plan all along is for the brunettes to focus on tearing Rammy & especially Alex up! Divide and conquer!

Then we move back to the “call in the kitchen” by Cindy. A category 5 shit storm then erupts as Cindy says Sonja knew about the call and Sonja continues to call her rude. The peanut gallery chimes in – Kelly taking Cindy’s side – and Luann (side-stepping party lines) admits it was rude. Cindy then jumps out of her seat (maybe her taint is freshly waxed?) and screams that she doesn’t need to learn anything from these ladies.

Ya know what else she doesn’t like? Quahog bashing. She snaps at Sonja for making fun of Q-town and then when her wheels really start to come off – Luann tries to calm her down and Cindy snaps at HER too! Oh honey! Ya ha bibi! NO ONE SNAPS AT A CUNTESS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!

Speaking of – time for a montage of “Luann vs Rammy: The Battle of Who Cares Less”. Afterwards, Luann tells Rammy she’s pissed that she called her a bad mother and then the finger pointing begins over who’s a worse parent. Can’t we all just call a truce on the idea that you’re all horrible people?

Well… at least think about it.

Instead Rammy keeps badgering Luann about her daughter and how many schools she’s transferred to – which only gets Bulldog Zarin fired up!

She really should wear brass knuckles for these reunions.

Rammy backs down a little bit when she see’s Jill going apeshit about the “kids” but then Jill storms off the stage!

Ahhh yes. Because 16 episodes and a extra-long reunion show isn’t quite enough. #wheresmyfuckinggun

And that’s it for part one! What’s everyone think so far?! I wish they all argued like this all season instead of playing nice! Here’s hoping there’s total bloodshed in the final reunion! Until then – let me hear what you think! Come on and DISH IT!!!