Ladies and Gentlemen… it is my pleasure to announce… this shit show is coming to an END!!! Be prepared to end it all – it’s gonna get dirty and we’re all gonna need a mental douche after this – but it’s the END!!! So strap on your bullet-proof vests, pour your Pinot and get ready to experience the last episode of REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC! Cause after this – “I AM DONE!!!”
We join the ladies just as Jill’s storming out because of “attacks on the kids”. Rammy says she’s innocent but Luann calls “BS!” and says that Rammy talks about her parenting to everyone else. Rammy denies (shocker) and Luann then tears into Sonja for not sticking up for her.
Miss Andy then brings up Rammy turning down Luann’s music video because her daughter didn’t approve. Luann shoots back, “Oh but your daughter wasn’t embarrassed by the massage you gave your hairy husband!!” OUCH!
Personally, I thought it was a beautiful moment. Mario’s so… thick.
Miss Andy then gets Rammy to admit that her daughter has been embarrassed about some of the things she’s done. Like what? Using her own daughter as an excuse for not doing the video when really it was because she wanted to fuck Luann over by not lending her “celebrity” to it? Maybe that.
Miss Andy asks another viewer question, this time to Luann, about being more confrontational. Luann ducks the question but then Miss Andy fires back about Luann’s new-found love for sticking up for Jill. Alex snaps that it’s because Jill has a “dumpster-sized” amount of dirt on her. Ugh.
Alex – you could be completely right about something and I’d still wish you’d just swallow your head.
Luann says it’s simply because she loves Jill. Speaking of “Jill-love” – let’s watch a montage of JILL!!! It’s a delightful romp of Jill saying she’s “over the drama” and “staying out of it”.
Jill, this is an example of how fast you run from drama.
After the commercial break, Jill explains that she’s different from Rammy because when she’s brutally “honest” she doesn’t do it to hurt anyone – like Rammy does. Jill declares, “I aaaam what I aaaaam – like it or don’t”! while Alex shakes her head so hard the marbles almost come out of her ears.
Sonja calls Jill out for talking shit during her performance and Jill says she was just being funny. I think 95% of the problems with these ladies comes down to them thinking they’re funny when they’re definitely not. Sorry girls – we watch this shit to laugh at you – not with you.
Then Jill’s shit fit over Alex’s white wedding outfit gets brought up as well as the comments about her social climbing. Alex says everyone’s mean to her and that the reason why she made comments about the Hamptons (sorry – I know this shit’s all over the place but it was literally the flow of their hen house conversation) was because she’s used to only “working” there to get acting jobs. Oh… “working” to get acting jobs.
I’m pretty sure this is Alex’s view of NY.
Ms Andy asks Jill out of all of the fights – does she ever think she’s wrong? She then apologizes to Alex for calling her a bad name. Just as Alex says “THANK YOU!” I wish that Jill would’ve said, “What I MEANT to call her was a –” and then release a torrent of obscenities never heard before. That would’ve been AMAZING.
We then get treated to a montage of Rammy swilling down Pinot Grigio and demanding it left, right and center. Rammy insists that she doesn’t have a problem and that it’s only her marketing her brand.
YEAH! And that’s NEVER gone wrong in the history of marketing! Just ask (cough) this guy (cough)!
Rammy then tries to throw Jill under the bus by saying that SHE’S the one that’s been to AA and Jill fires back that she never has been but how DARE Rammy make such an accusation as to call her an alcoholic. YEAH! We all know that’s Jill’s job!
Rammy, Sonja and Alex all defend her drinking (aka Enablers) why Team Non-Blondes tries to check her into a clinic (aka Fun Busters). I say let Rammy self-destruct. It’s the only thing we’d have to look forward to next season. Imagine the drama as she drives down 16 blocks of a NYC sidewalk! Fantastic!
Jill is also out for Rammy blood because of her referring to her daughter as having a deformity. Rammy said she meant “blemish” and she said “deformity”. But after being pressed by Miss Andy, Rammy makes a huge apology statement to Jill’s daughter. I’m sure Jill’s daughter appreciates the apology…
“THANK YOU RAMMY RUTH!!!”
Rammy then admits that she had a birthmark that she was embarrassed about. But she won’t say where. Thank God this wasn’t Sonja. She could have a birthmark in her colon and she’d still wanna show everyone.
Next up – a montage of Luann being… well… the Cuntess. She ends up confessing that she’s just trying to “have fun” with people (see: What I said before) but when it comes to Alex she still fully believes in telling her like it is, not apologizing and wishing she’d just STFU.
If I had to have lunch with Alex, I think I’d write “STFU” in lipstick on my forehead.
Alex brings up the “Herman Munster” comment and how Luann “schools” everyone on class. Yet again, Alex is right, but she’s so friggin’ aggravating about it you could care less. Yes, Luann’s a pompous bitch. But I’d rather listen to her say “Claaaaaassss” like a nasally drag queen then listen to you whine and cry like a 4 year old girl.
“I caaaaan’t staaaaand her!”
Speaking of drag queens, time for a montage about Simon – Tweety VonTweetershit!!! Alex sticks up for Simon and says that he hasn’t been mean-tweeting. Jill brings up that she doesn’t need to have a relationship with Simon and that Alex should back off from pressuring her to do so. Alex pulls the “Talk to him! I don’t have anything to do with it!” which is ridiculous. I’m really hoping they bring Simon out. It’ll be hysterical to watch him defend himself while trying to get into Miss Andy’s pants.
Miss Andy asks Alex if Simon’s done ANYTHING wrong and (as Jill chokes loudly) she (of course) says “No.” She also adds that Simon’s right most of the time when it comes to Jill. Jill’s reaction is… well…
Girl yells “I’m done!!!” with such force that she gives herself 6 chins.
After the commercial, we get treated to a “Why Americans Will Never Be Allowed in Morocco Again” montage. Luann defends herself for being the “mom” the whole time (she had a house to run!) and when Andy questions Rammy about her trashing Marrakech, she spews out a bunch of statistics her assistants probably found on wikipedia to defend her statements.
“I know it must be true cuz i read it on the internets!”
Miss Andy then calls Sonja out on not trusting anyone with her luggage. She’s got a point – I’d be wary too. Especially on a large production with a camera crew – everyone knows you probably have expensive shit in your luggage. However, that being said, what was Sonja afraid they’d steal? Her dignity? THAT ship has sailed.
Then Ms Andy questions Alex about her flipping out at Luann and sticking up for Rammy – especially while Rammy was off having a blast with Sonja. Alex says that she was sticking up for Rammy because she wanted to and that’s why she came after Luann. Also because she loathes Luann and was looking for an excuse to come guns a blazin’!
Alex brings up that Luann’s been a “thug in a cocktail dress” all season and she’s made t-shirts that say so. To which Rammy EXPLODES in laughter while clapping like an imbecile…
I mean… there’s very little difference.
Luann then cracks that she’s glad that Alex is selling t-shirts now. (SOMEONE’S gotta pay for Simon’s subscription to Details and Out magazine.) And then Jill joins in and says that Alex went back on their “burning the past” pact which sends Alex into a a total red-faced breakout. Even Ms. Andy points it out…
“HAHAHA You’re turning Violet, Violet!”
Alex then completely ignites and sets the whole building on fire, taking all the housewives back to hell with her. (If… only)
Alex also claims that she let Kelly mind fuck her (“Close your eyes! Open your eyes!”) because she was worried KELLY was losing it! Luann and Jill are so amazed at her lunacy that they start chanting for some reason.
Either that or they’re inviting Simon over for a fisting.
Kelly then calls Alex “weird”, “inauthentic” and a “bad actress”. Pandemonium erupts and Miss Andy just leans back and sighs. Bitch – you deserve this.
So Miss Andy tries to change the subject to Rammy’s “fortune” about Mario cheating and she says she NEVER thought that was true. Mario is good guy through and through. Except when he’s @#%’ing Sonja.
Ms Andy then asks about Alex’s boobs drooping and wearing a bra. Did everyone get that mental photo? Great. I’ll wait while you jam a fork into your grey matter like I just did.
All things aside, I do believe the most awkward moment of the reunion comes when it gets brought up that Luann, Jacques and the kids are all going to France to meet the Count – who’s going to be SHOCKED when he finds out Jacques is a Jew. Cindy asks what the big deal is…
And with the cock of an eyebrow, shows for the first time that she has feelings that can be hurt. Awwww… Just kidding. She just shows that her eyebrows are actually movable.
Back from commercial, Rammy tells us that she was bummed she wasn’t knocked up. Jill accuses Rammy that she made it all about her and not about giving Avery a sister. But Avery DOES have a someone that acts her age, steals her clothes and tries to outdo her!
Don’t worry Rammy… I’m talking about you.
And what is the ONE question of the whole reunion that EVERYONE agrees on the answer?! “How do you feel that Bethenny is worth 10 times more than all of you combined?” OHHHH!!!! NO NO NO. Everyone agrees that it doesn’t matter – but if it did matter – “Bitch doesn’t have more money than we do.”
And finally – we end on the note that Alex and Jill will always hate each other – but might be willing to make it work next season. Guess what? I’m betting that you two making up has the same odds as me watching next season. If two bitches fight in a city, and no one’s around to hear it – do they even exist? NO. BYEEEEE!!!
THAT’S IT!!! SWEET LORD THAT’S IT!!! I’M DONE WITH THESE BITCHES!!!
This will be me for the next hour.
So what did everyone think?! Are we all satisfied?! Any shockers? Things that pissed you off?! I hope you all enjoyed the recaps. I am sufficiently burnt the fuck out so I’ll be enjoying some time off but will be podcasting often with Flipit and such. Please stay tuned! And THANK YOU all for reading and commenting this season. It always helped to get me through the human waste-pile that we know and love as the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC! Now – one last time – come on and DISH IT!!!