What an amazing, random episode of Real Housewives of New York City. While Cuntess LuMann’s rancid music video “Chic, C’est La Vie” provided the backdrop for the episode, there were a number of ridiculous subplots about being a good mother, traveling to Brooklyn on a Friday night, white ladies dancing, toaster eggs, and the dreaded C-word: class!!
The episode opens with trannylicious LuMan meeting with her “team” for the making of her music video. Ok, first of all, this is the worst A-Team ever assembled in the history of teams. It’s like all the kids who were picked last for dodgeball banded together to form their own Z-List team. First up is James “Jersey” Murray, the stylist. Stylist?! He’s a tanorexic munchkin who threw on a sweaty white tee and paired it with a pinstripe blazer and some gaudy bling. He’s an Oompa Loompa who’s spent too many summerz at the Joysey Shore. Then there’s Chris Lynch, a mute pig-face with a bad comb over. And don’t get me started on LuMan’s bleached-mohawk-sporting producer! Basically, the team tries to sell LuMan on shooting in exotic… Atlantic City?! “It doesn’t even look like the United States!” Joysey tells her. Um, yeah. It looks like some cruddy, third world country. Aka: Atlantic City. LuMan is intently sold on the idea of shooting for free at The Borgata in exchange for saying “The Borgata” like a trillion times throughout the rest of the ep. But she doesn’t think a Hummer limo is quite as chic and luxe as a jet. Joysey tells her that “less is more.” (Spoken like a true, poor person.) Um, it’s called a budget, honey!
There’s no “I” in team. But there sure are bad teeth. And pig snouts. And bad fashion choices.
Next up: Ramoner and Sonya hit up Equinox, the fabulously posh gym, where I happen to be a sweatylicious member. Notice how for once, Sonya is actually wearing appropriate gym attire at the gym. She acts like a complete novice on the treadmill, and is out of breath just from two minutes of walking. It makes me think that every other time this season that she said she was at the gym, but was dressed to the nines, that she was – gasp – LYING! Anyways, Ramoner is bitching about how she doesn’t want to make a cameo in the Cuntess’ music video, because suddenly she’s burdened with being this immaculate role model to her daughter, Avery. Rilly?! Acting like a bug-eyed, alcoholic wacko on TV for 4 years doesn’t faze you, but some crappy auto-tuned muzak video crosses the line? Ok. Sure. Just fess up: you hate LuMan’s guts and you’re blaming it on Avery. Sonya’s too busy flirting with some dirty, old man in dirty, red sweats to pay much attention.
He’s trying to tell Sonya how big he is…down there.
Over in Brooklyn, Alex and Simon are roasting some weenies on their outdoor fire pit with some midget named Dean, and Simon’s brother. Clearly, Alex is the only one here with a real wiener. (Winky face!) That retarded son of theirs, Francois comes out, and it’s so sad that no one will admit just how “special” he really is. He clearly has a learning disability of some sort. Asperger’s, anyone? Over the campfire, they all bitch about how Alex doesn’t want to do the video, because she think LuMan lacks the c-word: CLASS. Who knew Alex comes from Kansas nobility?! She does get in the best line of the episode though: “I don’t think she ever got the memo that to use the word means it doesn’t apply to you.” Touche, Alex.
Me: (in my head) “Wow. I love Alex’s jacket!”
My friend Jeff: “Eww! Why is Alex dressed like Janet Jackson in her Rhythm Nation video?!”
Me: “I know, right? Hideous!” (secretly embarrassed.)
We catch up with Jill at the doctor’s office getting … I don’t know WHAT done! She’s got a red knit cap on her head with buttons and wires and needles all over the place. WTF?! Sonya comes to keep her company (I’m sorry, but does anyone do this in the real world? Keep their friends company at appointments? So random.) Anyways, Sonya tells Jill, aka Shrill Zarin, that she has misgivings about doing the video. She pussyfoots around the reason, before finally landing on point, and Jill in interview goes, “BINGO! It’s Ramoner!” Try as Shrill does to bully Sonya, Sonya lets us know that she has clearly taken sides in this video war, and won’t be attending.
I don’t even know where to begin with this!
Ramoner invites LuMan for coffee to tell her publicly that she doesn’t “feel comfortable” doing the music video. Ramona in interview: “Luann doesn’t like criticism. She thinks she’s the perfect mom, and let’s face it, she isn’t.” LOL. They start by gabbing about their daughters’ birthday parties, which then leads into Ramona not wanting to do the video because, you know, she’s a ROLE MODEL now. She adds insult to injury by stressing that she spends LOTS of quality time with her daughter, and kids turn out amazing when you parent them properly. LuMan has every right to get her feathers ruffled, but she whips out the claws and goes straight for Ramoner’s jugular, trudging up Turtle Time and that Moroccan psychic who claimed Mario was having an affair. Ouch! Ramoner chokes on her Irish coffee before throwing LuMan’s cheating ex-husband back in her face. LuMan responds in her typical fashion by storming out of the restaurant.
“I will cut a bitch!”
Money can’t buy you class. And it can’t buy you tact, either.
Sonya decides she needs some quality time with Cindy, so she rolls out of bed around 11:30am in her caftan and throws some eggs in the toaster and calls it a meal. Conversely, Cindy tells us that she has taken time out of her busy spa managing sked to “accommodate” Sonya. Sonya is so proud of herself for buying Ezekial bread, decaf coffee, and peach nectar juice, and is in the middle of patting herself on the back when Cindy’s assistant Sam walks in (where the hell did she come from?!) and helps Cindy take some very important 20 minute business meeting phone call – on speakerphone! Sonya is horrified by this behavior, as no one has apparently ever answered a phone in her humble abode before. She’s so incensed, she starts passive-aggressively slamming cabinets around like a pissy wife, causing Cindy to snap at her. They then get into it – in the middle of this conference call! It’s hysterical and unprofessional and I’m mortified for BOTH of them! To be fair, if Cindy knew she had a call, she should have just rescheduled the damn breakfast!
“Talk to the hand, Sonya… cuz you can’t afford much else!”
The Cuntess and Shrill arrive at The Borgata in Atlantic Titty, and it’s nothing but gems, jets, silhouettes… no, I’m kidding. It’s nothing but hair and makeup artists trying to make these 40-something hags not look like total trannies. (FAIL!) Jill’s got bags for days under her eyes, and LuMan has pores the size of hubcaps. Director Chris stands around like a useless lump while they get dressed and hop in a limo (not a Hummer, FYI) for the first shoot. Suddenly, Shrill Zarin thinks she’s the director, and starts barking orders to everyone. LuMan remarks how well they improvised, considering there was no “direction.” Cut to Chris staring blankly at them. LOL.
Jill’s never been able to bite her tongue before. Why start now?? I guess it’s true. You can’t teach an OLD DOG new tricks.
En route to Alex and Simon’s home art gallery show, Mario whines to Ramona how much he hates going to Brooklyn. “I used to be the one who hated going to Brookin-Brook-Brooklyn!” Ramoner stutters. Is she drunk already? Or is the Tourette’s kicking in? They stop and pick up a tranny named Miss Piggy – oh wait! That’s just Sonya!
June is BUSTIN’ out all over!
Simon is prancing about the party in some diaphanous sweater with moth holes in it. He is such a flaming QUEEN. He’s especially proud of this piece of work on the wall that looks like a giant cod-piece.
Of course Simon likes this jockstrap-inspired piece. He wishes there was something else under it, too.
There’s a pointless craps table scene with Shrill, her dud hubby Bobby, and gambling virgin Kelly. Pure filler. Zzz…
Another pointless scene where Sonya’s bald, ripped friend Brian arrives at the art party, and everyone starts groping him, including some bald, gay, sweaty monkey man. Simon starts his speech (what’s with him and giving speeches every five seconds?!) and Mario interrupts to heckle him about traveling to Brooklyn on a Friday night. It’s rude, but you know what? We’re all guilty of it! I wouldn’t be caught dead schlepping my ass out to Silverlake or Venice on a Friday night. Groan! And with Carmageddon?! You can fugheddaboutit! Ramoner is embarrassed that her “gorgeous” hubby pulled a “Ramona.” LOL. Atleast she has a sense of humor about herself!
Later, Sonya bitches about Cindy’s rude behavior at breakfast to Ramona and Alex, who find Cindy to be completely repulsive and disrespectful. Hehehe. Oh, white people problems!
Back at the Borgata, Shrill is now barking orders at hair and makeup to rescue the Cuntess LuMan from her overly curled coif. Jill: “As her worst enemy, I wouldn’t let her look like that in a music video, let alone as her best friend!” LOL. LuMan understands that Cindy had to be home cuz of her kids, but “the rest of them” were just using their kids as an excuse not to be in the video. Huh? How does Cindy get off the hook? Just cuz she’s a brunette?! And a lezbian?! That’s discrimination! Shrill then spends the rest of the shoot screaming “Action!” and bitching and moaning about having to walk in heels through the lobby. Well, maybe if you shut your trap and did it right the first time, you’d be done, bitch! Ugh!
Friggin’ Clydesdales! This isn’t a Budweiser commercial!
Meanwhile, Alex and Sonya accompany Ramoner and her daughter Avery to a hip hop dance class. I must preface this by saying, that I am white, and I apologize on behalf of all white people everywhere for the scene that unfolds. It’s just – wrong. It’s so bad! It’s like watching your mom or your grandma trying to get down and boogie, which is totally unacceptable outside of a drunken wedding dance floor.
NO! Make it stop! My eyes!!
Sonya: “I might not have been getting Doug E. Fresh. But I was getting Sonya Fresh.” WTF does that even mean? Cuz she looks like she’s pretty musty down there!
For the final shot of the video, Kelly had to leave, so director Shrill Zarin calls in her hubby and sons to play extras at the craps table. LOL. It’s so friggin’ ridicks and podunk, I can’t stop laughing. I wish I could reach through the TV and donkey punch Jill so bad!
Shake your “Se Bonne, Bonne”!
So, what did you all think of this week’s installment of White People’s Problems? Which white devil bitch did you want to slap the most? Are you Team Ramoner or Team LuMan? Team Sonya or Team Cindy? And what do you predict for next week’s EPIC season finale?? The tease shows Cindy screaming at Sonya in a florist’s shop, LuMan singing with Natalie Cole on a yacht, and Ramoner taking a pregnancy test!!! Holy cow bells! Pop the pinot! It’s time to celebrate! Leave your comments and questions, and as always, thanks for letting me fill in for the incomparable Bbitz!!