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Hello Gasmi! Welcome back to the Real Housewives of NYC! Aside from Sonja eating shit after barebacking a horse, last week’s episode was a bore. So let’s hope things liven up a little. Although I can’t imagine how they could…
AHHHH!!!! THEY RELEASED THE KRAKEN YET AGAIN!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!
The bitch is back and she’s come to lunch on – sorry, “with” LuAnn, Kelly and Sonja. She’s back from her trip to Australia. What was she doing there? I don’t know, BUT she was recently spotted in the audience of one of Oprah’s shows. OPRAH was just in AUSTRALIA. As was JILL. Conspiracy theorists unite! I bet they totally met down under while on walkabout.
Jill starts out by saying she has presents for everyone. OMG. I hope it’s a kangaroo, a boomerang they can use to take Alex out, a nose job for herself (see: rumors!) or maybe Jlll brought back Paul Hogan…
“That bitch had a knife that was bigger than mine! Sadly, she had to take it out of Bethenny’s back first.”
Awww she brought everyone little Koala clips instead. How… cheap. I thought for sure Sonja would throw it back at her and demand to be taken to lunch… again. Because right after this lunch, SHE NEEDS MORE LUNCH!
Jill said that while down undah she decided she didn’t want to gossip any longer. Girl came to the WRONG ladies luncheon then! LuAnn immediately starts to dish about the ongoing “cigar drama” between Ramona, Cindy and Howie. Jill isn’t surprised that Ramona started shit because “she leaves dead bodies all over town!” Ladies and gentlemen, let’s go to the “Jill “No More Gossiping” Countdown Clock!!!
That’s right folks! It took her 2 minutes and 3 seconds after saying she didn’t want to gossip to accuse Ramona of laying waste to people! The sad part is, she speaks the truth.
Kelly then dishes that Ramona sent her a “threatening drunk text” while Sonja inquires about Kelly’s upcoming lunch with Ramona. I love that Sonja’s all nosey about the lunch. I swear it’s because she’s pissed she’s missing out on a “lunch”. This bitch is more concerned with her next meal than the entire membership of AARP.
The girls all decide it’s best to give Kelly a dry-run by having Sonja pretend to be Ramona. And although I can’t stand her, she NAILS the Ramona impression – except she forgot the crazy eyes.
There ya go! NOW she’s Ramona! Just cue the crocodile tears!
Sonja then grills Kelly “Ramona-style” (charred on the outside, while leaving the inside raw) and Kelly nervously answers back while Jill and LuAnn cackle about Sonja’s impression. I love that this is the impression that she gives of a friend. If one of my friends portrayed me as a vicious bitch I’d level her. Even if she was right.
But in the sweetest gesture yet, the girls all tell Kelly that she’s “ready” to go up against Ramona. Awww… poor stupid Kelly. This reminds me of the scene in “Jurassic Park” where the goat is tied to a stake in the T-Rex area. Best of luck Kelly!
We all know how that ended. Now just imagine Kelly’s head mounted on the roof of Ramona’s car.
Up in Brooklyn, Alex and Simone arrive home with their children to the sounds of a piano being played. Turns out they bought little Francois a piano for his birthday. And the kid looks AMAZED!
You know the smaller one is thinking, “Don’t be such a naive twit, it’s father’s lover and you know it.”
“I’m not! My name is Sebastian Pennyloafers and I’m a professional pianist!”
He’s a future real housewife in training. Total mindfucker.
Francois then sits down at the piano and looks completely underwhelmed while Mommy and Daddy ham it up for the cameras and make a big deal of it. Alex keeps saying “Juliard” this and “NY Performing Arts School” that while Simon begs the kids not to touch the piano as they’d leave fingerprints on it. A+ in parenting guys. You need to teach a class on how to raise a serial killer. If this kid doesn’t end up wearing someone’s skin as a suit or shooting up a town from the clocktower, it’ll be a MIRACLE.
Alex comments that it was difficult to find a piano that “sounds great and goes with the decor”. Well, I can agree, it must’ve been really hard to find a piano that screams desperation.
Speaking of desperation, Alex sits down to coax a “thank you for being an amazing mother” out of the kid and he just keeps staring off and grabbing at imaginary shit in the air. Yikes. I’m not touching this one. Something’s not quite right folks – he’s a little “off”.
Unless, maybe he’s reaching for the emergency brake for the “off-the-tracks” train that is his life right now.
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that while we see the above, this is what he sees…
This is got to be what he sees on a daily basis. I call it, “Frantasia”!
The next day, Kelly is having her big boxing match / lunch with Ramona. And since lunch is involved, who happens to be joining?!?! SONJA!!! Kelly says she asked Sonja as a buffer. I hope this means she’ll push her in front of her when Ramona takes out the shotgun.
Ramona arrives and Sonja notices that they’re both wearing leather. Yeah leather!
And it’s in this moment Kelly realizes she chose the right outfit for the occasion.
Kelly shares her feelings for peace with Ramona and Ramona actually apologizes for the drunk text AND not sticking up for Kelly on “Scary Island”. And so they MAKE UP! WHAT?!!! RESHOOT! Booo! But wait, we’re all forgetting the law of physics on RHONYC – for every relationship saved or created, one must be DESTROYED!!! Cue Sonja throwing Cindy under the bus for trying to meddle and get into the middle of things. Which is TOTALLY Sonja’s job! Don’t fuck with her free lunches!
Later on in the week, Sonja has Cindy over for tea aka a “Come to Jesus” meeting. Cindy starts to have some fun dancing with Sonja’s help and she just about loses it. It’s HER hot lil’ latin “house man” and Cindy shouldn’t be dancing with him!
Can’t Cindy see that Sonja’s already marked HER property?! BACK OFF BITCH!
Sonja reprimands Cindy and makes her sit down for a proper scolding about meddling. Ya know – tea with friends.
There’s no fucking way I’d drink anything in that house. If the tea’s not laced with arsenic there’s probably gonna be roofy resin in the cup leftover from previous dates.
Sonja then lays into Cindy for telling Kelly about her plan to ambush her with Ramona. Instead of saying, “Yes I did. Because it was a bad idea and you’re a shitty friend” Cindy retreats and says she never said anything about Ramona coming. Lies. She’s so fucked when the White House releases the tapes.
But then Sonja gets to the REAL crazy shit. This is what makes the Housewives REAL, y’all! Sonja chews Cindy out for not having Pinot Grigio at her party for Ramona. ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME??!! I didn’t realize that when you’re a guest at someone’s party that you make demands about what’s served and then throw a fit when those demands aren’t met. FUCK YOU. What a stupid bitch. Both of them. People are starving around the world and this bitch has the nerve to say something that stupid? If there’s a God it’ll turn out that Pinot Grigio reverses the effects of plastic surgery and causes boob shrinkage. Get a fucking grip you pompous morons.
Ahhh that feels much better having said that. Now, if ONLY Cindy had said something back – ANYTHING. But instead she’s too worried about the “Heathers” getting her kicked out of the RHONYC franchise. So she just sits there and stutters and rolls her eyes.
Funny how it went from Tea Time to Turtle Time in a matter of minutes. Where’s Ramona when you need her?
Speaking of, now we’re off to an event of Ramona’s that she came up with. It’s this brilliant idea where she invites all of her friends over to sell her jewelry to them. That’s SO groundbreaking! I bet if they tried that idea with tupperware it could really work.
LuAnn arrives and the Countess is NOT impressed with the party. It’s so… working class. And besides, as she points out, THIS jewelry is just NOT her thing…
Alright Madame Butterfly, let’s not point fingers over tacky jewelry. I was waiting for Indy to snatch that thing off your neck and then get chased by a giant boulder.
The Countess then tries some of Ramona’s very own Pinot Grigio (Sidenote: Bitch if you own your own wine, MAYBE bring it to an event your invited to as a gift). LuAnn makes the mistake of asking Ramona how she makes the wine…
In the same bathtub I make my meth in – why – do you like it?! DO YOU LIKE IT? ARE THE COPS HERE?!?! LIGHT THIS !@%!@ PLACE ON FIRE!!!!
Ramona says it’s in the “Ven-netto” region and LuAnn’s eyes just LIGHT UP because she gets to correct Ramona on how to say it. LuAnn then says “Veeehneeeeto” like she’s Giada hosting one of her obnoxious cooking shows…
“After this we’ll make dessert with MAAAHHHSCAHHPOOONAAAY. It’ll be very good. Did I mention I’m Italian? I’m EEEE-TAL-EEE-AAAHHHNO!!!”
Suddenly the convo gets changed to Ramona bitching about Cindy’s lack of Pinot Grigio at her party and THANK GOD LuAnn tells her to quit the shit and that she thinks it wasn’t a big deal. POINT FOR THE COUNTESS! I’m loving her this season (mostly).
Now we move on to Kelly taking a stroll through Central Park with Cindy as Cindy bitches about the scolding she got from Sonja. Cindy specifically brings up that Sonja said there’s a “pecking order”. In Sonja’s defense, I think she meant there’s an order in which she likes to line up her “peckers”. Otherwise known as “date night” for her.
Then the girls “just happen to” run into Jill! Which is SO crazy since she already has a mic on as she approaches. It all feels so “real” and under-produced!
Jill is out walking her little rat dog. Does anyone else miss Ichiban from RHODC?! That dog was amazing. He’d wrap Jill’s dog in mochi and eat it for lunch.
Kelly immediately tells Jill that Sonja said there’s a “pecking order” in their group which has fantastic repercussions on Jill’s face:
Her eyes literally might roll into the back of her head and kill her. Don’t let Ramona win, Jill! It’s time to use your evil for good!
Jill says that Ramona’s been a bad influence on Cindy and they only make each other worse. Line’s are being drawn! Let the games begin! I wonder what it’s gonna look like when Jill wears Ramona’s empty skull as a hat. Either way it’ll still be better than what Alex has going on on top of her head.
Days later we see Sonja at a baseball event for the ASPCA. She’s modeling and posing for photos. Where are these photos going to end up? Buried in the same spot as Jimmy Hoffa hopefully.
For those of you who believe in reincarnation. My guess is those panties were once Adolph Hitler. And you know she’s cramming 10lbs of potatoes into a 5lb bag. Take that Hitler!
She then poses for some photos with some HOT firemen. And, here’s where the universe folds in upon itself…
I really hope by “information” he means the number of her younger and better looking sister. Because otherwise, I’ve lost all hope in humanity.
Ugh! What’s the deal?! He’s hot and she’s dressed like slutty Raggedy Anne. There is no God. Maybe, since he’s a fireman, he’s drawn towards tragedy.
A few days later it’s FINALLY time for Sonja’s toaster oven party.
If that thing’s still plugged in we’re about to see the greatest moment in RH history.
Sonja doesn’t get electrocuted (sadly) but she explains that she can cook for anyone, no matter how special, out of her toaster oven. Congrats, you’re a shitty cook! I can just imagine how awesome your burnt on the outside and raw on the inside Thanksgiving turkey is. Nothing like spending Black Friday feeling like a poltergeist is inside of you.
But instead of turkey, Sonja goes with asparagus and sole…
I never thought Sonja’s soul would be white, but I definitely thought it’d be that small. ZING!
Sonja said she didn’t realize sole goes in big but comes out small. Honey, Imma guess that’s nothing new to you. OHHHH!!!! I’m mature. The Countess laaaaahves it though. I can’t imagine why. Did anyone else see the amount of butter she put in the pan?! Toaster oven cooking: Just add a stick of butter. Voila! Delicious! She’s a friggin’ genius!
Over in Brooklyn, Jill stops by to have a drink with Alex and make amends. She starts by giving Alex a bag of stuff from “Bed, Bath & Beyond” for her kids. WTF DID SHE BUY THEM?!
Jill: “I got them sanitary hand wipes! Ya know, cause they like to climb all over people all the time. Because they’re ANIMALS!!!”
Jill tries to play REALLY nice and butters Alex up. She says, that life is choosing 2 out of 3 things to do well: Work, work out and be a mother. Now, since most of my closest friends are women, I can tell you with certainty that the only sentence that follows should be: “But look at you – you have all 3.”
Unfortunately Jill didn’t fare so well. She tells Alex that she is a mother and works…. and then stutterfucks. You just called her fat and ugly! BWAH!!!
Once they finally sit down, Jill pours her heart out that she misses Alex and Simon and she wants them to make up. WHAT?!?! What the fuck’s in the water down under?! JILL ZARIN wants to make amends?! Ahhh but have no fear – Alex tells us in the confessional, “I still don’t trust her at all.” Best friends!
Meanwhile, Ramona and Cindy then meet for lunch so that Cindy can tell Ramona what’s what. However, Ramona just blankly stares at her and says that it’s great seeing her like she’s reading lines from a script. What the fuck is going on with all of the faux making up?! This is awful. It’s like this show was taped right after 9/11. Ya know, that interim of time when everyone was really nice to each other but you knew it was only a matter of time before things returned to normal and people started using their horns and middle fingers again?
And I love how Ramona won’t take her eyes off Cindy like it’s a staring contest…
“Bitch I’m WATCHING you. Now and for the rest of your life.” How awkward must that waiter have felt?!
Ramona is acting super weird like right before the lunch someone showed her a poll of how 99% of viewers think she’s a crazy bitch. I mean, that poll HAS to be out there somewhere.
We cut back to Alex explaining to Jill why she thinks she’s a raving bitch. Since Alex thrives off digging up shit from forever ago, she goes all the way back to the Age of Bethenny (DRINK!) and how Jill called Simon a drunk and her kids animals. Stop making me nostalgic! Ahhh those were the days! Come on Jill! You can turn this all around by smacking the bad hair off her head and storming out!
Instead she apologizes to Alex for everything and asks her if they can move on. Well… enjoy your last season RHONYC.
On the other side of what seems like the world, Cindy and Ramona are NOT coming to an understanding. And since Ramona can’t resist being a passive aggressive bitch for more than than half a glass of Pinot Grigio, she tells Cindy that she was upset because she’s been married for 18 years so time is precious with her husband and that’s why she was upset she had to go to Cindy’s “kiddie party” where there was no PG. I only wish I was making this shit up.
Things got even worse when Cindy knocks a drop of Pinot Grigio out of her glass and onto the table.
Side note: If you told Ramona there was a glass of Pinot Grigio inside of either a newborn, Santa Claus, or an elderly nun, how fast would she rip all three open to get to the glass of wine?
Cindy clearly thinks she’s bat shit crazy but WON’T just come out and say it. She just keeps shaking her head in disbelief that Ramona won’t apologize for anything and has the longest bout of crazy eyes yet.
So she just gives up and starts texting (who?!) and tells Ramona she can leave. I want to know who she was texting! Kelly? LuAnn? Nannies 16-24?!
Ohhhh… yeah that makes sense.
Meanwhile Jill is crying and explaining to Alex why she was such a bitch last year to her. And Alex is finally coming around to accepting her apology. I can only hope that this is all happening so that they can join forces and destroy someone.
Jill comes up with the idea to write down everything that upsets them about each other and then burn it. So they both write their lists out and while I’m hoping that when they’re done Alex only has one page and sees Jill’s list is 20 pages long, that does not happen. Damn it.
If these were REAL Real Housewives they’d be burning $100 bills. Not paper. They’re a shadow of their former selves.
Finally, they attempt to set their past aflame and what happens? Nothing. The paper won’t light. Ya know why? Because even a piece of paper can’t be brought to care enough about this. The paper don’t give a shit.
“And neither do I. These bitches even tire ME out. And I’m a Honey Badger damn it!”
And that’s it! Ramona and Cindy start a war while Alex and Jill end one. Thank GOD for the new girl, huh? This is the second episode, for me at least, where close to nothing happened. They sat around and whined, apologized and gave crazy eye the whole time. DO SOMETHING!!! Or get REAL. Maybe they should stop doing the confessionals so that they’re forced to say shit to each other instead of running to the cameras to say how they really feel. This shit should be called “Watch What Doesn’t Happen!” That’s my two cents. What’s yours?! Dish it!