Hey kids! I’m back and so is REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC for another episode! “But bBitz”, you might ask, “Isn’t this show going on for what seems like far to long for one season?!” “Yes”, I might reply, “And it’s making me want to cut myself until I bleed Ramona Pinot Grigio.” But enough of my RHONYC-fueled suicide, let’s get to it!
We join Rammy while her and her evil twin – er daughter – choose a location for their 16th birthday party! Yes – they’re both turning 16. Just ask Rammy!
She just has to make the “Home Alone” face 24/7 to look like it.
While Mini-Rammy walks around the event space making demands like she’s, well… Rammy, and the event people look beyond thrilled.
Luckily Bravo does some legwork for the police as to who would be a suspect in the murder of Mini-Rammy.
Meanwhile LuAnn is busy planning HER daughter’s sweet 16 for the same day! However, whether it’s the fault of editing or not, THIS daughter is being painted as the loving, appreciative one. Apparently the nannies were MUCH better in the Countess’ household!
While Lil’ Luann is seemingly more agreeable, Rammy Jr is being pissy about what theme her party should have. They go with “Winter Wonderland” or whatever. How one of the event planners didn’t exclaim, “Perfect! Because your mother’s a frigid bitch!” is beyond me.
Lil’ Luann decides upon a “club theme” which should be fun. Dear TV Gods, please let LuAnn grab the mic at some point and burst into song.
Speaking of disasters, Jilly and Sonja are getting mini-face lifts. Why? Cause that’s what you do when you’ve filed for bankruptcy. DUH. It’s like you people don’t have class. Watch and learn!
So Jill takes the time they have in the waiting room to discuss Sonja’s financial collapse with her sister who is a lawyer. Sonja explains that it’s all because she invested in a film that was never made…
It would’ve gone straight to DVD and to the back of middle-aged men’s underwear drawers.
She also notes that she’s not into the legal stuff because she’s a “lover and a gardener“. Ummm… WHAT?
I’m pretty sure this is how she works her garden.
Kidding! I’m sure she uses a silk scarf instead of a whip. Anyways, they talk financial jargon while Sonja paints herself as a martyr. It’s touching. I’m touching the back of my throat with my finger now.
But enough about throwing up – let’s see what Jill’s up to!
(Sound of me throwing up everywhere.)
That was disgusting. And looked extremely painful.
And the lady doing it is friggin sadistic!
Next time, Jill, might I suggest this guy?
How fun would THAT episode be to watch?! Say “AHHHH!!!”
Later on, Cindy meets LuAnn at the big surprise party for Jill!
All of those teeth and she never even uses them. Pity.
LuAnn has decided to throw the bash at Chez Josephine because… well… it’s the smallest restaurant in the US (apparently) or…
It’s the lair of her arch nemesis? Seriously. Who dresses this guy? Edith Head?
LuAnn has also hired the world’s lamest magician for some reason. Just what this party needs. If he makes these bitches disappear I’ll double his pay.
Meanwhile Rammy arrives and invites LuMann to Rammy Jr’s birthday party and — SURPRISE! — it’s on the same day as Lil’ LuMann’s birthday party! Good God. Like one of these two didn’t go out of there way to plan it on the same day to cause drama.
The Mom-Off then begins as they compare party locations and number of people invited. It’s so fucking sad. They are LITERALLY children. Who cares who’s party’s better?! You’re both going to respectively ruin it by making it all about you instead of your kid.
Oh Christ he’s back. GO AWAY AND SWALLOW YOUR HEAD!
Sad that this guy is probably at home just WAITING for the calls to come in after this episode. I hope he doesn’t hang himself with a bunch of magic scarves he pulls out of his mouth. Murray Hill, the “Drag King”, then arrives and greets Simon with a…
THAT “guy” is my hero.
As everyone waits for Jill to arrive there’s a false alarm and it turns out to be Howie, Cindy’s brother, and everyone gives a let-down “awwww…”. I feel like that should be his entrance music to every scene.
Jill finally arrives and Rammy jumps right in to hug her like it was her party. Of course LuMann’s about to cut her. She has no CLAAAAASSSSSS!
Finally everyone sits and Cindy makes a grand entrance…
Was anyone else just PRAYING she’d eat shit on those stairs?
Cindy reads a poem. It’s awful and quickly forgotten. Then Kelly gets up and mostly just apologizes for being late (CYA). And finally BAWBY gets up and says a few words. With the way this guy speaks and looks HOW is he not doing a stage show in Vegas?! I’d so go see it.
Then Rammy adds her 2 cents by putting on a wig and pretending to be Jill while screaming at Bawby for larger diamonds…
I’d also pay to see a needle get jammed in THAT face. And I love the lil’ henchman laughing away on the right. PAWN.
And then… there’s LUMANN…
What are the odds that she planned this whole event around her dressing up and doing this number. Which number, you ask? By the looks of it, Number 2.
Instead she decides to ruin “It’s Almost Being in Love”. The best is that she changes it to “Being with Jill” (it’s the ONLY part she changes) and Jill exclaims “She wrote this!” LOL. Yup. Just for you.
Up next, LuMann takes Lil’ LuMann dress shopping for her big party. At first they like one of the dresses but then it turns out to be…
Ahhh… I yearn for the day when my name is an adjective for slutty and over-done.
All things aside I think Lil’ LuMann is MUCH more bearable than Rammy Jr. I’d rather go to her party hands down.
And luckily she didn’t inherit her mother’s taste.
Although LuMann does take the time to show her how to tuck her balls in. Sweet Mama.
On the other side of the city, Simon and Alex have hired a hypnotist to get Simon to smoking… cock? It’s this little old man that looks like the male version of Dr Ruth. So before they start, Simon takes one last chance to smoke a fag. WHAT? He’s British! It’s what they’re called!
So Ruth puts him “to sleep” and proceeds to scream “YOU ARHHH A NON-SMOHHKHHHER!” over and over. And then wakes him up. WHAT. THE. FUCK. How much does this guy get paid and where do I sign up to do this job?! What a racket.
Simon then wakes up and says he’s got weird taste in his mouth.
Well to be fair that’s what he always says after he puts a fag in his mouth.
Meanwhile, the mini-housewives get together for lunch…
FML. We’re looking at season 10 of RHONYC.
Rammy Jr seems to be the alpha male of the group and is talking about how fab her party’s gonna be.
They’re EATING?!? And it’s PIZZA?!? NO. NO. NO. These housewives have so much to learn about having lunch. More yelling, more finger-pointing and you order a salad that you push around the plate without ingesting.
On your face? (Sorry, it’s late and I’m tired.)
Meanwhile, Cindy and Alex are enjoying a workout with a trainer.
TV14?! Can we make it TV21+. Pllllleeeeeease?!?!
I love this guy even more because he tells Cindy her jacket STINKS. As if she has any dignity left. Poor thing.
Yeah! Your jacket stinks! Or maybe it’s EVERYONE’S clothes?! You should all get undressed! Yeah that’s it. But maybe Cindy and Alex you should do it outside… in the middle of traffic. NOT YOU DON. You stay right there.
Later on, Rammy Jr and crew arrive early to check out the location of her party.
MMMM RAMMY SR IS PLEEEEASED!!! “MYYYYY PAAARRRTTYYYY!”
My favorite part is the “snow maker” blowing bubbles onto the middle of the dance floor. I’d pull up a chair just to watch the bodies pile up. I hope Rammy Jr asked for a class action lawsuit for her sweet 16.
Rammy then throws the party planning into a CODE 5 ALERT when she learns that the Pinot Grigio hasn’t arrived??! WHAT?!?! GET THAT SHIT HERE NOW! What kind of sweet 16 is this?! This is bullsh— wait a second.
How “over it”does the caterer look? You know she’s counting down in her head before slamming Rammy’s head into the bubble-covered floor.
Meanwhile over at Lil’ LuMann’s party…
AHHH! First magicians and then scary clowns?!? COME ON LUMANN!
Actually it looks like a fun party. I say LuMann Squared totally beat Rammy Squared! The “wives” totally should’ve gone to LuMann’s party second. As Jill says, “The WORST thing that can happy to you in NYC is that get invited to two parties on the same night.” Odd, I would’ve gone with “a plane flying into your building” – but I guess being double-booked is bad too. Oh NYC you’re so fickle!
Over at Rammy’s party, everyone’s arriving and there’s two sections: an adult section and a kids section. And someone needs to get Sonja out of the kids section:
Can someone please explain to her that they aren’t married because they’re 16-year-old boys?
Jill arrives and starts cracking on the party right away. OY. These two. Just fucking punch each other in the face until somebody chokes on blood already!!! She gives Sonja shit for not going to LuMann’s party, bitches that there aren’t any napkins, and beats Rammy up a lil’ for making a club in a loft when she could’ve rented out a club. I’m edging closely to the end of my “I could give a fuck” rope, folks.
Kelly then realizes that she’s not getting enough screen time so she talks to Rammy Jr about pushing Rammy Sr’s friends into another section. Rammy’s NOT having it – this is HER party too after all!
How excited are the kids gonna be when they see the guy from “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” is there?!
On the other hand, LuMann and Lil’ LuMann celebrate together and all is happy and well.
But back to BAWBY – he confronts Simon and asks him about a hate-blog that Simon supposedly has a connection to! WHHHHAAAAT?! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! Simon has a JOB?!!?
So Simon denies it all as Mario arrives and BAWBY gets everyone to shake on them all being peaceful to one another. HAHAHHAHAAHA… poor delusional BAWBY. Although with the way he looks I’d assume Simon will be floating in the Hudson River by night’s end.
And that’s it! What did everyone think?! Am I being too harsh? I just loathe all these bitches right now because of writing about them. I spend more time on these things than Cindy does cleaning her teeth. Btw – whose party would YOU have gone to?! Love hearing from you all – come on and dish it!!!