Last week the ladies arrived in Morocco and kicked up a shit storm over hangers and then they played with snakes. So, ya know, text book Moroccan stuff. But when we last left the ladies, Ramona was in the process of being told by a fortune teller that her hubby is probably banging some other wonky-eyed bitch! WHAAAA? This shit could only happen on the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC!
So the fortune teller breaks the news to Ramona and she just sits there with a blank look (her best look yet) while the girls all gasp so collectively that it probably sucked all the oxygen out of the room. Everyone gets really serious (because this shit is scientific and it MUST be true) and LuAnn and Kelly argue about what the lady’s saying. LuAnn tries to downplay it while Kelly’s like “NO NO – it’s MUCH worse when you translate it correctly!” I would’ve been like, “My French is rusty but she’s either saying he’s going to a ball game with another girl – or he’s balls deep in another girl. Could be either.”
Ramona tries to smooth it over by saying “Everyone likes my husband” and “The other woman must be our daughter!” (sick)
Seriously. Who could cheat on a face like this?
The best part is that Sonja pipes up with a “It’s not ME!” Remember “Whoever smelt it, dealt it?” when we were kids? I’m pretty sure the adult version is “Whoever brings up it not being them, is the one who’s gobbling your husband’s knob.” Then she starts crying. WTF? This lady’s a trainwreck.
Afterwards, Ramona goes off with Brad’s hag and tells her that it’s no big deal – everyone hits on her hubby – EVEN LUANN!
How much does the hag wanna scream, “NO TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!!! I NEED AN ADULT!!!”?
I’d pay GOOD money to see the look on LuAnn’s face when she sees this air. She is going to STROKE OUT!
Let me get this straight. You wait until a palm reader in Morocco brings it up and THEN you tell everyone that you hear Ramona’s hubby is cheating on her?!
Meanwhile, Sonja is SHOCKED that “there’s another woman” (SHOCKED I TELL YOU!). She’s way more upset than Rammy is…
Snakes, horrible fortune-telling-tellers and Sonja farts. WORST. PARTY. EVER.
While Sonja has a total meltdown about it, Rammy is insisting that everything’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about. At first it seems weird but then it makes more sense as Sonja tries to make it all about her – as she’s known to do. She tells Rammy that her hubby COULD be cheating and Rammy slaps back with a “Well I didn’t marry for money.” OUCH!
Rammy tells us that she realizes that it’s more about Sonja’s insecurities than that her hubby is cheating on her.
She then practices the look she’ll make when she finds out Sonja’s been “smashing pissers” with her hubby.
So once Rammy settles Sonja down, Alex brings her a tissue and Jill calms her by screaming, “JUST SMILE!!!” And with that, party’s over. What a great night!
The next day, the ladies head out on a field trip and don’t even make it out of the friggin’ driveway before another childish argument breaks out. LuAnn leaves her purse to “hold her spot” in the van while she pees and when Cindy shows up and tries to sit there, Sonja says she can’t and Cindy SNAPS. It’s really fantastic. Cindy’s threshold for everything has just plummeted since the start of the season. It’s gotten to the point where I think if Sonja so much as looks at her wrong, Cindy’s gonna smack the shit out of her.
Jill bails out of the van as the ladies start to fight – and in the process brings up something so much more important…
Is that THE Jill Zarin wearing a fanny pack?!!?
Rammy then makes the comment that when “You’re traveling with 6 women (that all hate you) it’s important to roll with the (actual) punches (in your throat).” Agreed!
Kelly’s excited to go to a souk because she’s heard it’s full of great fashion.
BTW I can totally understand not wanting to be recognized with these women in public, but their tour guide is dressed like every police sketch of a criminal I’ve ever seen.
And so far the souk is REALLY fashionable. That is, if this was taking place in “Lord of the Flies.”
Once the ladies venture in further though, it looks pretty awesome. All sorts of food and clothes. I’d love to be there.
And look! Rammy even found a gift to bring back and give to her hubby – over and over again. (It’s a huge fucking knife if you can’t see it well enough.)
Meanwhile, Sonja is having a shit fit that it’s not “secure” and is afraid of everyone. You know why I never complain about people who are too ignorant to ever want to travel outside the US? Because they’re the last people we would want representing the US to the rest of the world. GO HOME SONJA.
If she’s lucky someone will steal that stupid fucking hat.
Jill is NOT having it with Sonja’s BS and explains that THAT is why she wears a fanny pack! Good for her! I bet it’s also where she keeps her heart, her husband’s balls and the antidote to the poison she gave Bethenny last season.
Then, as if this shopping trip couldn’t have gotten worse for Sonja, Cindy decides to confront her about why Sonja’s so mean to her. So as Sonja tries to get away from Cindy (aka Alex 2.0) she’s also dodging all of the people that look like they’re about to rob her – namely, everyone. Btw, let’s not forget she knows there’s a camera crew following her around. So how likely does she think it’s going to be that someone’s going to rob her while she’s being filmed with producers standing around. Don’t get me wrong – I’d pay to see that footage – but it’s not going to happen.
Sonja finally escapes to tell Rammy all about it and Cindy pops up again and asks why Sonja can’t just confront her about things. Doesn’t Cindy know how things work? Sonja has to bitch about her to someone else over lunch so that they can give her advice that will make things worse until it builds up into the season finale. This is how friendships work!
And then who comes in as the voice of reason?! Telling everyone to just appreciate the trip?!
KELLY! Someone’s come a looong way since Scary Island!
Even Rammy tries to calm Sonja down and avoid a fight! What’s the deal?! Maybe they just don’t want to draw attention to themselves. HAHAHAHA… but seriously folks. WTF?
Cindy confronts LuAnn about the whole seat-stealing ordeal and LuAnn (for once) is very non-dramatic about it and admits that she told Sonja to save her the seat. I really can’t believe I’m talking about this shit and the show is about middle-aged women and not 3rd graders. Finally, Kelly (WTF IS THIS WOMAN?!) gets the ladies to call a truce and stop the fighting.
After the commercial, we join the ladies as they’re about to go on a camel ride…
However Jill realizes she’s going to have to watch Sonja’s pantiless camel-toe grinding all over the camel-humps.
The girls are all very excited about the camels…
And the best is the camel’s reaction when they start to climb on…
GET THAT FAT $&*@%!! ASS OFF OF ME!!!
However, Sonja wants nothing to do with getting on a camel because a) She’s scarred from her fall of the horse, b) She had too much Moroccan coffee and c) is on her period.
Everyone then comments that Sonja has seemingly snapped and something’s up with her. More importantly, Jill’s just pleased since she needed someone to take her picture. Heartless. Love it.
The ladies then begin their trek but things soon go awry when LuAnn’s camel decides that it wants the Countess OFF…
She hasn’t been bucked like THIS in years!
Awww – someone’s smitten!
Watching LuAnn get tossed around like a rag doll was completely entertaining! And it turns out that Sonja may have had the correct intuition. Perhaps she’s right about her fears about Rammy’s hubby too!
The ladies start making their way back into town and Jill decides to lead them in what seems to be a racist chant of the high pitched, “LALALALALALA!!!” Apparently the tour guide says that’s expected from the women – but I’m guessing he also just wants a good tip and to get the fuck out of there.
Soon the ladies arrive to a special tent that’s been set up for a private dinner! Oooh la la! LuAnn! You’ve really outdone yourself this trip. A true Cuntess!
And I’m giving you extra credit for serving Sonja what looks like camel piss.
BTW, love the irony that it looks like a circus is about to occur inside of it.
The ladies gather round the table and decide to play “tell us something we don’t know about you.” I really got my hopes up that they’d all share where they buried their first murder victim and instead they just share random crap. And of course, Alex uses the moment to garner sympathy and kills the mood by talking about her father dying. Buzz kill! It could’ve only been worse if she burst into tears and said she thought Simon might be gay. Imagine the awkward silence after THAT reveal.
We then go from bad to worse as Sonja pretty much admits that she’s completely alone in life. She just keeps saying everything that she does over and over like she’s waiting for someone to smack her and tell her to snap out of it. IF ONLY. Then she goes off on another tangent about not feeling safe in Morocco. So LuAnn totally pulls a “Just because you can’t see Santa doesn’t mean he’s not there!” on Sonja and tells her there’s plain-clothes policemen that are everywhere – she just doesn’t know it. Yes. And they’re all dressed as camels.
Then all the hens start clucking and screaming at each other while Cindy tries to scream the loudest that they all need to listen to Sonja. WHAT? NOW Cindy’s sticking up for Sonja?! Did someone misread her cue cards?! WTF IS GOING ON?!?!
Meanwhile, LuAnn calls the “League of Extraordinary Bitches” to order by placing a wooden nipple on her head. Yup. This is the moment I lost all respect for this show.
Cindy tries to snatch it then and wear it but Sonja talks right over her anyways. TOTAL. CHILDREN. So Cindy, wanting to “get away from the drama” decides to storm outside to “get away”, AKA causing more drama and the cameras to follow her outside.
The ladies come running after her and she bitches to them that no one listens or cares. To which Rammy says “I DO!!!”…
To which Jill whips around and gives the cameras the most awesome “Like FUCK she does!” look ever. (Bless her little heart too because it did NOT look good on her.)
Then out of nowhere Jill and Rammy hug to prove to Cindy that people DO get along?! Recapping this shit is literally like describing the exact shape of a handful of jello as you let it run through your fingers. Ever-changing, totally unappetizing and likely to stain your clothes.
The next day Alex is talking with Simon on Skype….
Alex: “Ummm Simon? Who’s that standing in your doorway?”
Oh groooossssss! Alex wanted to take her top off for Simon. I don’t know who’s more disgusted, us or Simon. Just kidding. We all know it’s Simon. Luckily all the ladies keep popping in and harassing her so she doesn’t have time to strip. But you know what she does have time for?
Reruns of “Bethenny Ever After”! They LOOOOVE her!
Then the ladies head out for another fun day – however – Rammy and Sonja can’t make it because they have the shits from the fancy lamb stew in the tent!!! HAHAAHAHHAHAA….
Let it out Rammy! Let it alllll OUT!
So LuAnn, Cindy, Jill and Kelly go off to the most beautiful Turkish bath ever. Where it’s super amazing because they make the tea…
With bricks of cocaine. Odd to travel all this way when they could’ve just had tea with Lohan instead.
Over with Team Blonde, they’ve escaped from the house and drive around town while bitching about the other ladies. Apparently bitching is the best cleanser for their bowls since after being “sick”, Rammy shows up and hops right into the bath…
Back off!!! She’s totally gonna lamb-shart in the pool!!!
Sonja and Alex school Rammy on how to finally confront Jill. Oddly though, no one mentioned holy water and a silver bullet.
Then Sonja takes a moment to confront Cindy and apologies for being mean to her. Honestly, it’s getting to the point where I’d rather watch children fight because at least this bullshit would be authentic.
Once the girls have all relaxed and made up, they retire back to the house to enjoy the rest of their trip and appreciate that they were able to travel abroad and experience a different culture in a beautiful setting.
Wah wah wah…. Just kidding!
“WE CAN NEVAH BE FRIENDS!!!”
So Jill and Rammy finally have it all out. Apparently Rammy’s pissed that Jill said her hubby deserved a medal for being married to her (Yes he does! A nice young, blonde trophy mistress!) and Jill’s pissed that Ramona ruined her chances to get back together with Bethenny (her one true love) and that Rammy kicked her out of her house in Aruba. They scream “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME” at each other for 10 minutes and then Jill releases a screaming explosion over her getting kicked out of Rammy’s house in Aruba…
Rendering Rammy’s plastic face…
Completely unrecognizable. Nooooo!!! RAMMY!!!
Well, at least she can host her own red carpet special at the Oscars now.
Jill gets up to leave because “SHE’S DONE!” and Rammy decides to quickly force a truce by grabbing her and pulling her in for a kiss-kiss. Like that’s going to solve everything.
I imagine this is what Jill’s face looked like when Rammy pulled her in for a kiss. She… don’t… GIVE A SHIT!
Ramona then throws herself on the bed and asks “Why didn’t she hear me?” Then it seems she realizes that this isn’t QUITE dramatic enough (ratings = her selling more of her shitty jewelry) and she pulls this reaction out of her ass…
It LITERALLY looks like she’s pulling this out of her ass.
Meanwhile we can see/hear Jill bumbling around in the darkness looking for a phone to call Bobby. He’s gonna be SO happy he answered the phone on that one. I hope she doesn’t interrupt him while he’s cleaning the calluses off his feet. The best part is that as she stumbles around you can constantly hear the ice in her glass tinkering around.
The one thing EVERY “Real Housewife” has in common: NEVER EVER set your drink down!!!
And that’s it everyone! It looks like the total meltdown that we’ve all been waiting for is next week. LuAnn finally stops trying to hold everyone together and becomes the true bitch she is. I can’t wait to hear her tell Alex to “crawl back into a cabinet”!!! AMAAAAAAZING!!! So what did everyone think?! Who’s on Jill’s side? Who’s on Rammy’s? Who hopes they both stay in the desert?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!