We’re back for the last installment of everyone’s favorite trilogy: Spar Wars: Return of the Bitchi! The ladies have one last episode in Morocco! Will Jill smack the shit out of Rammy? Will Rammy have rock hard abs once she gets done wailing on the bed?! Let’s find out what happens on Real Housewives of NYC!
We start right where we left off – with Jill flipping out after her match with Rammy. BTW, someone in the comments cracked about how Jill says, “Ramoaner” and it’s all I can hear when she says it now! Anyways, Jill starts screaming for Cindy since she knows Cindy’s the one person that’ll be on her side (especially after Hanger-gate!) but it’s LuAnn that comes running in first!
Money can’t buy you class… or a tissue apparently.
Jill tells LuAnn that “She didn’t own any of it!” It would’ve been awesome if LuAnn responded, “Her jewelry?! She’s been hocking stolen jewelry?! I knew it!!” But instead LuAnn just agrees that Rammy’s a bitch that doesn’t apologize for the things she says.
Then Kelly shows up, looking like she just rolled out of bed because a producer ran in and was like, “Shit’s going down! Get your ass out of bed and go say something to make it worse!” Speaking of – here comes Cindy!
You know they’re all thinking, “Sure we want an ally… but can we be friends with someone that looks like they just raided Aretha Franklin’s closet?”
Cindy says, “She’s not worth it!” and Jill replies, “She’s a piece of SHIT!” Well. If that doesn’t close the final chapter in the Jill/Ramona “friendship”, I don’t know WHAT will. She also adds, “It’ll be a day rotting in hell that I’ll kiss that woman’s ass!” Fantastic… who’s ready for a group dinner?!
Jill also thanks Cindy, Kelly and LuAnn for their support and strength…
Luckily LuAnn’s wearing her Wonder Woman bracelet to defend against the evil Ramoaner!
Also, Jill’s got her drink back in her hands. So all is well with the world. BUT not in the evil lair of Team Blondes…
You know Ramoaner’s thinking: “Is the camera back on me? Is it on?! Ok great – let me know when to start faux-bawling again.”
Nothing says, “This better not fuck up my evening plans” like Sonja’s look and body language here.
Speaking of fucking everything up – here comes LuAnn!
“Begone LuAnne! Before someone drops a house on YOU!
LuAnn saunters in to interrogate Rammy while Sonja and Alex try and get her to go away to find Ramona a glass of Pinot Grigio. Actually, Sonja says “Pinot Greedgio”. And the best part is that they act like it’s a “Pinot” emergency and just keep asking for it while Rammy says, “I just need water.”
“NO!!! SHE NEEDS PINOT GRIGIO IF WE’RE GONNA GET GOOD ENOUGH RATINGS FOR A 5TH SEASON!!! I REFUSE TO LIVE IN THE SQUALOR THAT SIMON PROVIDES! GET HER THE FUCKING PINOT GRIGIO!!!”
So Rammy cries that Jill was being aggressive and wouldn’t “listen” to her. Then Kelly takes a crack at the lion’s den. She enters with the peaceful words of “I’m not taking sides!”. Hmmm… TRAITOR! If Jill only knew! TREACHERY!!! However Rammy’s thrilled with Kelly’s stance.
Next the girls decide the best idea is to go out and ENJOY themselves! Yippee. And it’s a belly-dancing place! Perfect! Rammy’s abs are in great shape after all of that wailing on the bed.
Sonja: “And then kick it out from under her!” Cindy: “WHO SAID THAT?! REALLY!? REALLY?!”
“This… is my dinner? You ordered me… LETTUCE?!?!” (Cue everyone’s snickering)
If those candles go anywhere NEAR one of the ladies’ hairdos – IT’S ALL OVER.
Do they eat anything other than salad?! WTF?! Rammy, good news: you have 7 chins because you’re 120 years old and you’ve had an enormous amount of work done – not because you’re fat.
It’s only because she just spilled some PG on her chooch.
Ramona then tips the belly dancer by shoving money down her pants. I was waiting for Sonja to leap up and yell “NOW ME NOW ME!!” Girl’s gotta pay for her ticket back to the states somehow.
Then Alex jumps up to dance with them because, ya know, that’s the “real Alex” according to her. Yeah. She’s so “real” and doesn’t play to the camera at all… stay tuned.
The next morning some of the girls take a break and head to a palace. Mustapha tells the ladies that it was owned by a man with many wives and the girls all say, “Like you! You have FIVE now!”
Ha. Ha. Ha…..For God’s sake… RUN MAN RUUUUUUN!!!!!
Then Sonja says she thinks he’s hot once he takes the “jalopy” off. There’s so many things wrong with that – I…JUST…CAN’T.
When asked about the size of the palace, Mustapha says it’s 3 times bigger than the White House.
Quick thing Mustapha – love you – love Morocco – but you can’t look like that and mention the “White House” on American television without expecting to have Seal Team 6 up your ass with a grenade launcher in like 4 minutes.
So while the rest of the women giggle and coo at the big palace, Barbara “Jill” Walters ask 3 million friggin’ questions about everything. Mustapha has the patience of a saint because I would’ve smacked her halfway through and screamed “READ THE FUCKING WIKI PAGE ON IT! SHIT!”
Then Mustapha teaches them about concubines and how the man had 30 women total – enough to have one each day of the month. What the fuck did he do on the 31st?! LAZY.
Back at the hotel, Alex goes to Rammy to “console” her and listen to her BS. I’m pretty sure Alex sees Rammy as “camera time”. How else could you put up with those dramatics?!
Side note: WTF is that in the sky?! Is that the baby Jesus star?! HOLY SHIT! Rammy’s finally done it and caused rapture!! He’s coming!!!
So Alex kisses Rammy’s ass and tells her she’s really “soft” and not as hard as people think. And Rammy brings up LuAnn as a fresh target because of her earlier aggressiveness to her. Alex agrees, calls LuAnn a snake (in short) and the storm clouds start forming. Best part is when Rammy says, “Remember, you’re my wingman!” Oh silly Alex, used as a pawn once again.
Downstairs, LuAnn introduces Kelly and Cindy to henna – which is like a temporary tattoo…
How do you spell snake in Arabic?
Upstairs, Rammy and Sonja talk about how they slept together last night. I know what you’re thinking, “I didn’t feel the earth crack open and swallow innocent women and children…” But they just mean they passed out while chatting. Crisis adverted.
Speaking of which… FUNNIEST LINE OF THE SEASON SO FAR…
LuAnn hears Alex tromping down the stairs and says, “Is that a BUFFALO coming down the stairs?!”
Alex then makes a dramatic entrance that’d put the cast of all 18 years of “Cats” to shame.
Cue music…wind…thunder clap…aaaaaand DRAMA!
So she tells LuAnn that she needs a moment with her later and then storms back out. The girls call her back in (knowing how entertaining this is about to be) and Alex comes back in and does the “I’m trying desperately not to be dramatic but in doing so am over-the-top dramatic” routine. It’s like watching a pressure cooker that’s been over-filled.
The girls try and get her to sit down but Alex just refuses. And then Kelly calls her out for being “inauthentic” and “weird”. AWWWWWESOME! I know we all have issues with Kelly but I LOVE that she called it exactly how it is to Alex’s face. AND she tells Alex to leave and come back in again as if it really is a stage production! LOVE IT! These ladies are FUCKING NUTS.
LuAnn tells Alex to bring it so Alex starts in about her trying to chastise Rammy. (How much you wanna bet that Rammy’s upstairs going “Can you believe Alex?! It’s PERFECT! Like a lamb to the slaughter!”) LuAnn tells Alex to mind her own business and then dismisses her. BWAAHHH!!! But then Alex insists on staying and speaking her mind. And by that I mean she just keeps stuttering “Thank you for this… and thank you for that” in a sarcastic, passive-aggressive tone.
Kelly just keeps yelling at Alex to be “real” and Alex’s face is priceless. I swear I’ve seen it before…
Was it here?
Nope – it was here. Watch out Neve Campbell!
So Alex yells at LuAnn that she’s taking sides and she’s reprimanding Rammy. Which she has – but who gives a shit!? Rammy deserves it! They all deserve it! LuAnn then reaches her breaking point and snaps, “I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT GRACIOUS TO THE BOTH OF YOU!” in a Zeus-like bellow.
PS – You may have lost everyone’s respect when even the henna lady is laughing at you. Maybe she’s met Simon too.
Then Alex snaps, “You are a SNAKE!” and I, bBitz, was wrong. THIS is the best line of the season: LuAnn replies “Go back from the cabinet you came out of… WITCH.” And she exits stage right! BOOM!!!! There it is folks!
As if things couldn’t crazier, Kelly remains to be the voice of reason and tells Alex it’s not her place to stick up for Rammy. Who IS this girl?! She even adds that they should appreciate the trip they’re on and for Alex to “create the calm she says she creates”! WHAT THE WHAT?!? Then she calls the whole thing “fucking stupid”, complains that her tattoo is ruined and finishes with, “Who’s gonna fix this… SANTA?!” HAHAHAHA.
“You bitches keep me OUT of this!”
While Alex is getting eaten alive in the name of “Ramoaner!”, Rammy and Sonja are playing games around the rest of the house, trying to get a peak at the dresses that were made for them! CLASSIC. Meanwhile, Kelly’s ripping into Alex for ruining her tattoo and Alex’s throat is so rashy it looks like she went swimming in a pool of ear mites. Kelly just keeps yelling, “Weird!” knowing that every times she does it brings Alex closer to the brink of insanity.
Alex then goes RUNNING after Kelly. She knows the part of Wonder Woman has already been cast, correct?
What follows is nothing short of the craziest fucking reality viewing I’ve witnessed. It’s near impossible to recap you guys. You really need to watch it. That being said, Alex continues to go apeshit on Kelly while Kelly remains calm and demands her to “Close your eyes”, “Shhhh”, “Open your eyes!”, and so on. Alex just keeps trying to stutter shit out while Kelly keeps making her do “calming” things aka “tricks”. I was waiting for Kelly to start yelling “Touch your nose!” “Bark like a dog!” “Hop on one foot!” and I swear Alex would’ve done it.
Kelly then closes with “Ya know Alex, sometimes it’s better to just observe rather than participate.” AND THERE IT IS. That’s the key lesson that Kelly learned from last season that’s turned her into the girl from this season. She learned to shut the fuck up. And that’s EXACTLY what Alex needs to learn.
Meanwhile, Rammy and Sonja have found the dresses that are supposed to be a surprise (LuAnn is going to LOSE HER SHIT) and have started trying them on to find the hottest looking one.
You know it’s a trainwreck when even Sonja is shielding her eyes.
Jill then barges in on Alex and Kelly with a “LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY HAIR!!!” I’d crack a poodle joke but Jill already beat me to it. Damn her self-deprecating humor.
Speaking of, girl looks good here right? I give credit when it’s due.
Then Alex just reveals to Jill that she “exploded”. And Jill then pretends that she had no idea and she wasn’t rushed downstairs by the producers halfway through her botched hair appointment. Instead of getting into it, Alex just shrugs it off and hugs Jill. This all makes total sense.
Back upstairs, Alex dishes to Rammy and Sonja who say they appreciate her defense of them – but she shouldn’t have gone at the rest of the girls like that and should know better timing. AWESOME. Alex = PAWN.
At dinner, LuAnn, Jill, Kelly and Cindy gather and bitch about how Rammy, Sonja and Alex are standing them up. Just when they start roasting Alex (at least she’d be more filling than the fucking salad that’s on the table, AGAIN), Alex appears and LuAnn guilt trips her for being late. Doesn’t LuAnn know there’s already a Jewish mother in this cast?
Alex gets up to leave and LuAnn snaps, “You started this! So if you start with me – you have to finish!” Ugh. Welcome to Jacques’ world.
So then Alex tries to fire back and Kelly just shushes her and escorts her out the door! HAHAHAHA! Ahhh-mazing. Although if Kelly squashes one more fight I’m pretty sure the producers are gonna hire a sniper and tell him to aim for the longest neck in the room.
As if dinner couldn’t go to shit any faster – Rammy and Sonja show up looking like hell! Rammy then fights with LuAnn about what time dinner was and claims she ordered snacks for everyone. SNACKS I tell you! While they bicker back and forth I can only think, “Where the fuck has Jill been for all these fights?!” Bitch stirs the pot and then peaces out!
Rammy then races in and slams down the snack dishes to prove her point. Goodbye Hanger-gate, Helloooo Snack-gate!
Kelly finally gets Rammy to calm down and then who comes over and sits next to her??!
It would’ve made my YEAR if the two of them just sat there and started eating and said, “How about THOSE crazy bitches, huh? Drama!”
But instead Kelly sends Rammy to LuAnn to smooth things over. Rammy does the whole, “I’m sorry YOU misunderstood.” passive apology and that goes over SO well. LuAnn snaps back and then basically says, “Just kidding! Always loved you!” and then follows it up with a “I was just worried about what the fortune-teller said.” WHAT THE FUCK?! This shit is like watching a tennis match on fast-forward. Then they decide to go have dinner. Yeah. Hurry up. Salad’s getting cold.
The next day, the blondes try waking Sonja up while Cindy and LuAnn pack. Kelly and Jill start talking about Rammy and Jill decides she’s going to go upstairs to talk to her. So she does and she begins by telling Rammy she only gets upset because she really cares about her. This sounds oddly like, “I only hit you because I love you SO much baby!”
Rammy says the same thing and they make up. In Real Housewives speak, this is known as “the arc of ending one season while preparing for the next”. Isn’t it beautiful folks?!
Today the ladies are off to a cooking class to make Tagine (YUM). Watching these ladies attempt to make their own meal ought to be hysterical. How soon until Sonja asks how she can fit the tagine in her toaster oven?
Cindy: “Oh God no! It’s just that I’m using to stabbing them in people’s backs instead of vegetables.”
While the ladies cook, Alex asks Cindy why she’s so happy lately because normally she seems so angry at everything. Awww… backhanded compliments rock! Cindy should’ve said, “It’s because I’ve been sticking everyone’s toothbrush in my hoo-ha every night while everyone’s sleeping.”
Everyone sits down to eat and even though LuAnn cracks a comment to Sonja about her toaster oven – everyone’s actually GETTING ALONG! AAAACK!!! Roll credits! End the season now!
That night, Rammy goes to a make-up artist to get eyes that go with her “Native Americ—Marrakesh Moroccan dress”. Her words. Her and Sonja then go about hitting on the guy that’s there to do their make-up. Yeah. They’re pretty clueless sometimes.
The rest of the ladies all show up and the spend the time getting their make-up done, gabbing and having a grand ol’ time. WHO…ARE…THESE…PEOPLE?! It’s like nothing could ruin this perfect moment….
Oh look! It’s Rammy’s hubby, Mario, and Simon just hanging out! That’s weird. They don’t SEEM like friends. And this is an odd transition.
And now Simon wants to take his photo to send to the girls…
Yup. Now it makes sense. Keep an eye out for the cash shoved in Simon’s pocket by the producers.
Back in Morrocco, the girls are learning to belly dance. It looks like 10 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound bag from every angle. You don’t wanna see. I’ll take the snakes next time.
Later that night, the girls all attend a final dinner at THE restaurant in Morocco. Sonja tells us that you have be in the IN crowd to get in, AKA have a film crew and cash-heavy PA’s behind you.
Jill starts the dinner by saying that she’s going to be DRINKING tonight! Yeah! It’s gonna be “The Hangover” RHONYC-style! However the girls all just end up getting along and dishing about the amazing time they had.
“Besties forev-sies!!!” ($100 says one of the producers is back at the room taking jewelry out of Cindy’s suitcase and putting it in Sonja’s purse)
And that’s it! What did everyone think?! What a shit show of a trip! Screaming and crying one moment and then the Brady Bunch the next! Soooo over-produced and manipulated! Loved hearing all your comments last week! Come on and DISH IT!!!