RHONYC: Moulin Rude

Last week we dealt with the loss of Sonja’s fortune and the gain of her insanity. What delightful balance to the universe will happen this week?! Lower your expectations – it’s the Real Housewives of NYC!

Toadie from Super Mario is back and she wants to Burlesque-shop!

And she brought her friend, Koopa Troopa!

The ladies are there because Sonja’s doing a “burlesque-themed” fundraiser (for herself?!) and they’re picking out outfits. My favorite part is when they try to get Avery to go to the “swinging” party and her response is pretty much, “Ummm…. EW. You guys are old. No thanks.” I feel like at some point one of the daughters is going to snap and scream, “People are laughing AT you – not WITH you!!!”

Few things I love about this: 1) Carson Kressley name is next to something bending over. 2) Alex’s name is next to trashy/ugly garments. 3) Sonja’s interested because it’s both slutty AND on sale.

The flaming stylist that Sonja brought tries to convince Rammy to wear something scandalous, but luckily Avery says, “She’s not 20 – her butt will hang out!” LOVE IT. That needs to be the tagline of this whole franchise.

Bitch’s ass just dropped out.

Then Trannie Sonja comes over to Sonja and starts talking to her about products.

Ugh. That girl looks like a trainwreck… but the trannie looks great!

As they pay at the register, Sonja takes out her card and says, “Platinum! I know how to use this!” And every viewer let out a “Nope… definitely don’t feel sorry for your poor ass now.” I hope they put her in a cell with Madoff.

Meanwhile, Jill’s at Grand Central and is heading to Bronxville to see her daughter, Ally. Ally is a vegetarian who eats chicken but not “fish, beef or hamburgers”. Perfect. With rationality like that there’s no doubting she’s Jill’s daughter.

Ally also tells her mother that she’s taking a college course about sex. Jill’s flabbergasted because she figures she’s taught Ally everything she needs to know about sex: “Point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.”

Ally also reveals that after she takes her sex class she wants to write about sex in a sex column of a sexy magazine like “Sex in the City”. Sex.

Jill’s face is priceless. I imagine it’s the same one she’ll make when Bettheny wins an Oscar.

They then go shopping for clothes for Ally. Jill picks out the clothes SHE thinks look good on Ally.

Wise words from a loving mother. I just wanted to post this in case anyone in the future asks why Ally pushed her mother into an oncoming bus.

And now it’s time for…

Does anyone else notice that they played 70′s porn music over LuAnn’s intro? AMAZING.

LuAnn’s teaching her daughter how to drive…

Just to give you an idea of where this is headed.

There’s a good chance they’ll be peeling an entire girl scout troop off their front grill by day’s end.

Meanwhile Rammy is across town having lunch with Avery. Avery gives Rammy a guilt trip about being home alone all the time because Rammy and Mario are always “working” (drinking and banging chicks, respectively). It’s hysterical because you know they must really never be there for a TEENAGER to bitch about missing her parents. Although the booze probably flows more freely when Rammy’s around. That’s probably why.

AND to add to the guilt, Avery reveals that she wrote a paper about Rammy being her role model. Rammy’s crazy eyes grow larger and start to tear up as Avery reads her paper about her. Awww. After her party I thought she was a little shit but maybe she’s not so bad. Or maybe she’s about to ask for a new car.

Meanwhile, over at Sonja’s, Chris March arrives to help her make a vaudeville outfit. I hope she let him take the elevator this time. She tells him she wants to do a show and he asks, “Take off a glove?” and she replies, “Yes.” $10 says she thinks that glove means condom.

If she’s not covered in a vomit of whole hams and confetti within minutes I’ll be SHOCKED.

Or worse he’s gonna blow out the baby he ate on the way over.

Sonja shows him the corset she wants to wear. Basically it’s the costume party all over again. She mentions lingerie and Chris says, “You should see MY lingerie collection.”

I hope his lingerie looks like this.

Rammy then joins the party and Sonja practices her vaudeville routine for her – which is pure fucking Shakespeare of course. “Money can’t buy you class – but you don’t need class when you got this…” and then she points to her ass. Funny how she lost all class with a line that assumed she had any class OR money to begin with.

My favorite is that she’s asking Rammy of ALL people if any of it is offensive. That’s like asking a hooker if a hand job is too forward.

Now it’s Kelly time! Her and LuAnn are out for drinks and she reveals she’s never had a cosmo. Somewhere in the city, Samantha just dropped dead.

LuAnn then schools Kelly on love. Cause ya know, LuAnn is the fucking love doctor because she’s fucking frenchie. She also lets Kelly know that just staying home isn’t being a wife – it’s being a (in a disgusted voice) a HOUSEWIFE.

Imma check you boo.

Kelly tries to get out of LuAnn what situation she was ever in when she wasn’t cool as a cucumber. So OF COURSE, LuAnn brings up when she was at the baptism of the King of Greece’s grandson and how she shook Prince William’s hand. Big deal!

This bitch went down on his brother.

Later on in the week, we join Sonja as she prepares for her big debut – and orders her house boy to clean up dog piss. It’s a classy life she leads.

Luckily Morticia Adams’ blonde sister was there to help her through it all.

She’s really classy too. She says she pees when she shops and walks out of the room. Who ARE these people?!

Meanwhile, LuAnn is meeting with her music producer…

Who I can only assume is Michael Kors gayer twin brother?

He plays her new song just as Jill comes in to give her input. This is amazing. I love how Jill is the professional advice-giver that always makes people regret asking her. So they listen to the song and…

LuAnn gives her best, “IS THIS GREAT OR WHAT?!?” to Jill.


“OR WHAT!!!” I hope this photo is the album cover.

The song is a delightful trainwreck, as expected, and although Jill tries to give LuAnn the sage advice of “shut the fuck up – stop singing and let the dance music just play for most of it”, LuAnn heeds Bizarro Kors’ advice and they even decide to make a music video! Yeah!! Oh LuAnn, she’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Speaking of, over at Sonja’s burlesque show…

Well helllloooo there! You look like — ugh can’t do it. He boffed Sonja and now he’s wasted goods.

Rammy and Mario then arrive and Brian practically has to peel Rammy off his junk. Meanwhile Jill arrives and starts the buzz kill by reminding everyone about Sonja’s last crap party and that she probably can’t afford this one. OMG. If the Feds came and dragged her out of there during her number it’d be the best episode EVER.

However, Sonja’s friend, Tina is having a blast.

But where have I seen her before?!


Yup. That’s it.

And this guy?


Ahh yes. The creepy guy surrounded by whores.

Meanwhile Frenchie is just wearing LuAnn for the evening.

So, as it’s a party, there must be drama – and Simon is just the housewife to bring it! After originally running way from him, Jill finally decides to sit down with him and hash things out.

Let’s play a game. How many awkward things can you count in this photo? I’ll start, I spy George Carlin wishing he could crawl back into the grave.

Simon holds Jill’s hand and confesses he’s been a bad, naughty boy and asks for forgiveness. After giving him some shit (“How can I trust you?!”, etc) Jill decides to forgive and not “kick him in his extra set of balls”. I’ll give you a minute to let that image settle.

(sound of you throwing up in your mouth)

We’re back! Just in time for the show! First a traditional burlesque girl comes out. And she’s so hot…

Mario rapes his hat. Sick. Odd that it’s identical in size to Rammy’s vag.

Then it’s finally time for Sonja’s big show!

3 rolls of quarters, an eggplant and Brian’s car keys just fell out of that thing.

Sonja says, “Money can’t buy you class…”

And Cindy finished for the win! Where did SHE come from?! Maybe that’s how she chipped her tooth.

Also fantastic was the look on Jill’s face when Sonja said “bitches” and “snitches”. “IS SHE TAWKING TO ME!?!” Yes. HIT HER!!! However, Jill ends up saying she loved it and she loves Sonja. Aww. We’re ending on a happy note. (pause) HIT HER!!!!!!

And that’s it! What did everyone think?! It was quite the mild episode. I hope it’s building to a great season finale. Since it feels like it’s taken about 6-8 months to get there. What’s everyone think?! Sorry for the delay this week. Never let your 5 year old nephew hold your computer and say, “I got it!” He don’t “got it”. Not one bit. Now let’s hear you dish about the show and recap! Fire away!