Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for- wait a freakin’ minute!! This isn’t Gossip Girl! This is Real Housewives of NYC. And I’m not bBitz! WTF? It’s true, gasmii. That damn ginger decided to go on vacay, so I’m filling in this week. I’m guessing he went to Australia. I hear it’s very popular with redheads. (Winky face!) Anyhoo, I have some mayjah shoes to fill, and I’m not as good with the graphic pics, but I’ll still do my best to make you pee yourselves a little from laughing.
The episode opens in typical fashion with yet another photo shoot. Googly eyed Ramona needs some pics of herself to hawk her crappy skin care line. Her biggest fear though is that she’ll come off looking too stiff. As in, like a corpse. Of course, each picture is worse than the next, and her assistant Melissa has no problem telling her so.
Joan Rivers, is that you?
When Sonja shows up, Ramona has to brag that her photographer has also shot Rihanna and Lady Gaga, aka real celebrities. And actual attractive people. “Well, aren’t WE special!” Sonja smirks in interview. Shut up, snatch! Don’t be jelly! Then Sonja has to brag about how her Ralph Lauren jeans make her ass look amazing, and I SO WANTED Ramona in interview to say back, “Well, aren’t WE special!” Stupid Bravo!
As the shoot progresses, Melissa tells Ramona that she looks like “a young Pamela Anderson.” WTF?! On what planet?! Where gravity doesn’t exist?? I think Melissa should use that new raise she’s gonna get from that compliment to buy herself some glasses.
More like Pamela Anderson’s grandmother.
Jill comes over to Cindy’s apartment and immediately starts ragging on the place for being overrun by 2 babies, 4 nannies, and 18 assistants… all of whom just happen to be very attractive young girls for Cindy to look at all day. They move to the kitchen to eat muffins where Jill laughs that she eats with her hands, a trait she learned from her mother. Hands, claws… same thing! Jill then also reveals her biggest regret in life was only having one child. Geez, way to make your daughter feel totally worthless, you bitch!
Don’t ever get between Jill and her carbs. She’ll cut you!
Cindy then catches Jill up to speed on her disastrous meeting with Ramona last week, where she kind of exaggerates Ramona’s insanity a teensy bit. Jill is like a giddy school girl to finally hear that she’s not alone in her disgust and hatred of Ramona, and can’t wait for everyone else to come clean about how they really feel about her, so they can all take her down. Wow.
Now that they’ve bonded, Cindy wants to go to an Indigo Girls concert with Jill.
Side note: What does everyone think of the commercial for the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey? I can’t get that damn song they play in it out of my head! “Get loose!” I find myself strutting around my condo like Caroline going, “YAH FAMILEE! FIX DIS!” Get loose! Anyone else? Just me? Ok…
Sonja invites over Bravo-lebrity Chris March of Project Runway fame to help her design a costume for this fab masquerade she’s throwing. First off, Chris March, I love you, but you are as big as a house! Now that you’re famous, you can’t afford a little lipo?? A home delivery diet meal plan? Atleast a gym membership! Speaking of gyms, Sonja apologizes for her attire – she just got back from spin class. Um, she’s wearing an Hermes pashmina and thigh high boots. Was this bike made out of 24K gold? Anyhoo, Sonja’s desperate for Chris to help her salvage this shiteous old powder wig of hers that looks like a dead poodle crossed with Carol Channing’s merkin.
If Chris wasn’t gay before, he certainly is now!
Jill and LuMan meet up at some costume shop to find outfits for Sonja’s party. Right away, Jill bitches that she’s sick and her throat hurts. Maybe from talking so much shit on everyone?? Speaking of, they see a matronly dress and agree that it would be POIFECT for Ramona. The Countess starts braying like a donkey. She has the sense to point out they are being catty, even if they can’t help themselves.
Is there a 12-step program for being bitchy?
Jill picks a boring blue dress, and LuMan goes for a Scarlett O’Hara frock.
Money can’t buy you class, but it can buy you a ton of feathers and a hot glue gun!
Back at Sonja’s, she looks like Martha frickin’ Washington in her ratty old get-up. Chris looks terrified – and sweaty. On his way out, he bitches that he needs an elevator, and Sonja tells him that she has one, but she only uses it to store cleaning supplies! HA! Poor fat bastard!
Over at newbie Cindy’s house… and I use the term “newbie” loosely…as loose as the sallow flesh hanging from her bones. She’s eleventy if she’s a day. And I’m pretty sure she’s a closet lez. Aside from how irresponsible it is to have kids at her age, I was horrified to watch her, her incestuous gay brother, and her babies’ daddy Kevin play with the twins. There is so much awkward tension in the scene, probably because they are all gay, and no one wants to come clean about it. Kevin and Howie act like bitter, old, queeny exes, and Cindy’s the lesbian hag caught in the middle.
Major gay face.
On the day of her party, Sonja is barking orders at her live-in manservant, Michael. She wants her jasmine tea in a blue and white cup, on a tray, with rice milk or almond milk. You know, none of that old-fashioned crap that comes from a cow. She then explains to us that her divorce has been financially hard on her, so it’s nice to take in young strays (aka her friends’ grown children) and allow them to stay with her in exchange for indentured servitude, and probably sexual favors.
Run, Michael, run!!
Sonja is so overwhelmed when Chris March returns with her new and improved costume that she nearly has a stroke in her pink caftan. She totally has a brain fart and forgets his name for several seconds, but luckily saves herself and gushes over the mask and wig, which frankly, makes her look like the Bride of Frankenstein. But Sonja loves it, and I love her, because she’s so raw and honest, she blurts out, “I am all into me! I am loving myself!” And ain’t that the truth!
It’s hair-raising alright!
Side note on Sonja: This bitch just cracks me up. She wears sporty knee high socks, commissioned a painting of herself, understands the importance of a pecking order, keeps a well-stocked stable of men whose names she can barely remember, and loves the gays almost as much as she loves herself. No wonder I identify so much with her. I AM HER!
In the limo on the way to the party, LuMan calls Sonja and tells her that regrettably, she can’t come cuz she’s sick. No doubt because that disease-ridden Jill Zarin coughed all over her at the costume shop. Oh, well! That’s what you get for being a total rag, Countess! Sonja is sad that she won’t get to see LuMan in costume, because she would have come as some unbelievably leggy, statuesque character like Josephine Baker or Grace Jones. Um, pause while I laugh hysterically.
One of these things is not like the other.
Sonja arrives at the party, (natch, at her fave spot, Cipriani’s) drunk off her ass, and announces that drank a lot of “shampoo” on the way there.
I think you meant champagne, sweetie!
Also drunk off her ass when she walks in is Ramona, who stumbles even while she’s being escorted!
Where’s my Pinot Grigio?!
Ramona spots Alex dressed as Cleopatra and goes, “I didn’t recognize you! You look so good!” LMAO. So, basically you just told her that on a daily basis, Alex looks like crap! Genius!
Cleopatra comin’ atcha!
Jill comes in, looking pretty matronly herself there, and immediately starts bashing Sonja’s party in interview, because it was small, cramped, there weren’t very many people, everyone looked ridiculous, there were only two trays a food, and the bar was tiny. She feels that Sonja’s money would be better spent on fewer, more lavish parties. Now, to be fair, everything Jill says is accurate. But it’s also unnecessary and uncalled for.
I don’t see you throwing any parties lately, bitch!
Kelly’s there, too, with a big dumb bow on her head, but she’s pretty much nonexistent the whole whole party. The whole episode, really!
The party’s fairly dull. The best part comes when Sonja realizes that she forgot to put her petticoat on under her dress, and that her nasty, cottage cheese ass has been hanging out in plain sight the entire time!!
Reactions form the peanut gallery.
Close your mouth, dear. You look like a cod fish.
Realization sets in. ”I thought it was drafty in here!”
Jill feels bad and doesn’t want people laughing at Sonja, but then proceeds to tell everyone at the party about the huge bruise she saw on Sonja’s ass. Real nice, Jill.
The next day, Cindy goes in to get her whack grill fixed at the dentist, and she brings “bff” Jill along. Jill is quick to remind her new bestie that she took a day off from work for this! A whole day?! For an hour at the dentist? Way to bend over backwards, Jill. Jill, in her infinite kindness, wisdom, and unprofessional DDS opinion, proceeds to tell the doc how to do his job in order minimize Cindy’s horsy choppers. Cindy balks from the onslaught of insults as Jill basically takes over her mouth and her life.
Joan Jett and Mr. Ed’s love child.
Over at Serafina, Jill is throwing herself a lil party to hawk her new line of Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio. She prefers her pinot chilled, but “even warm it tastes good going down.” Bwahaha! That’s what she tells her husband! Jennifer, aka The Bride, shows up, and THIS is where the rest of the episode starts to spin out of control…
The Bride tells Ramona that on the day of her wedding, Jill pulled her aside and accosted her about Alex and Simon, wanting to know why they were invited and how she knew them. Ramona is shocked, but could care less. Time to get to the more important issues. “What did she say about me?!” Ramona begs. The Bride says Jill doesn’t like the fact that she and Ramona are friends. Now Ramona is the one saying that she’s put up with Jill’s crap for years and she’s sick of it.
You can count the rings on her neck like she’s a tree.
The rest of the “gals” show up. Alex makes a joke about what a lush Ramona is. LuMan starts grilling Ramona about her wine: how it’s made, how it’s stored, if it’s an “estate wine” etc. You know booze hound Ramona doesn’t know shit about her own wine except that it tastes good and it numbs the pain when she wakes up and looks at herself in the mirror every morning. Ramona practically belches in her own mouth when she tells LuMan that she’s at a party right now, and this isn’t the time to get into the technicalities of wine. Um, HELLUR?! It’s a party FOR YOUR WINE!!
LuMan detects a crisp, clean hint of bullshit in this blend.
Ramona spots Jill across the party, and her head nearly explodes she’s so frazzled. So she pulls Jill aside to have a word with her.
“There’s something in mah EYEEEE!”
And now, the piece de resistance! An epic bantam weight division brawl between frenemies Jill and Ramona. You knew it was comin’! The tension had been brewing since Jill got back from Australia and promised to keep her fat, gossiping mouth shut. (Yeah, that didn’t last long at ALLLL.) Ramona wastes no time in launching into Jill with the intel she received from The Bride about what Jill was saying behind her back. Of course, Jill goes on the defense and wants The Bride to get her ass over and say this to her face! Just then, some old ‘mo ass-clown tries to butt in, and I’m like, DO YOU NOT SEE THERE’S A TELEVISED FIGHT GOING ON HERE, DUMMY?! Where was the producer to keep him from meddling?!
Eff off, you old queen!
The ladies dismiss him and his “tempting” pizza, and get right back to fighting, with Jill screaming, “It’s not true!” and Ramona responding by guzzling her Pinot. Jill feels ambushed, and tells Ramona, “You have no class!” before storming off. Wait! Aren’t they supposed to end every fight with, “I’M DONE!” Hmm. Maybe they’re not done? Maybe they’re just getting warmed up!
Drink the pain away!
She looks like a blow up doll!
Ramona looks like she’s having a stroke, and forces Alex to feel her heartbeat. Yup. Shriveled up and on life support, but it’s still there.
Jill throws on her fab coat and tears out of the party, where she JUST HAPPENS to run into The Bride. “I was just mauled by THE DOG Ramona Singer,” she laments. LOL. She rips into The Bride for running her mouth, and still swears she never said it, that it was all some other drunk bitch. That is, until The Bride’s all, “No, at the end of the wedding, when you came up to me-” And you see this look on Jill’s face as if the light bulb just went on and she’s all, “Oh, shiz! I DID say all that crap!” It takes her all of two seconds to flip the tables on The Bride by saying, “Next time you have a problem with me, just say it to my face,” and she swallows The Bride into a giant hug in order to shut her up before the cameras catch any other damning evidence. And it’s because of this moment that I’m forced to side with crazy old Ramona and her bug eyes on this one.
For whatever asinine reason, Jill feels compelled to come BACK to the party to tell Ramona that all is well between her and The Bride again. Ramona’s like, “How the hell does that help me get another glass of Pinot?” Jill offers to sit down to lunch with Ramona so they can air out all of their MANY problems.
Maybe if it’s a liquid lunch!
Ramona tells Jill she needs to shut her frickin’ mouth, and Jill tells Ramona that she has serious mental problems. Ramona runs off sobbing in the direction of the wine.
While Ramona drunkenly vents to The Bride about what a backstabbing ‘ho Jill is, Jill sits outside in her town car crying to LuMan, who automatically just sides with Jill.
You weren’t even there, Countess!
“She’s such an evil bitch!” Jill cries. In the funniest moment of the episode, she goes, “Here, give this tah Ramona next time you see hah. Bitch. I’ll never talk to hah again!” And what is she handing LuMan? Frickin’ tchotchkies from Australia!! First she gives Alex a plastic bag of crap for her kids, and now this?! Is this what she means by “class?” What a joke! And then come my favorite words:
“I’M DONE!” (Yeah right, crocodile tears!)
Yes! There it is!! The poignant end of yet another fight, and yet another friendship. DUN DUN DUN!! The stage has been set for an epic showdown between the blondes and the brunettes next week when The Countess (with a producer holding a gun to her head) invites all the “girls” to Morocco. Oh, brother! It didn’t work for Sex & The City 2, and it sure as shit ain’t gonna work for these old broads either! But I still can’t wait for the dramz! Leave your questions and comments, and bBitz will be back next week!! Xoxo