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The bitch is back! Sorry I took a lil’ break last week. It was to take a trip and celebrate my bday being that it was 21 (21 I SAID. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A LIAR AND A TERRORIST). But holy shit did I miss a great showdown! Crazy Eyes VS Ms. I’m Done! And what’s the next step after two of the world’s greatest frenemies square off in public?! Why, they have LUNCH of course! Prepare yourself for ladies who lunch… on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC!
But first, we have the Countess meeting Sonja for lunch. And it MUST be fancy because LuAnn is speaking French. It all sounds like “flee-flee-floo-floo” to me but the guy understands her so I guess the lessons Frenchie’s teaching her in the bedroom are paying off. Even if she probably just accidentally offered to give the maitre’d the French version of a Dirty Sanchez.
Sonja starts by saying that she “just came from the gym” so that’s why she looks like a mess. Then adds she stopped by home for a bath. WHAT?! Bitch shows up late for lunch and it’s because she took a BATH. You know the Countess is thinking, “I’ve been sitting here waiting for you, speaking French to the help and you’re off waiting for Calgon to take you away?!!? <SMACK!!!>
LuAnn says that she just wanted to get together because she senses the girls are not all getting along. So what do they decide? They should all take a trip somewhere together. That’s great! There’s no WAY that could go wrong!!!
So we’ve all decided Scary Island never happened then, huh?
They discuss places to go and LuAnn is REALLY pushing for Morocco. Apparently someone has frequent flier miles on Moroccan Air to use up. Although Sonja’s hesitant because she thinks Morroco’s shady and she wants a villa to lock herself away in. Nothing like going to a foreign country to live in a villa and pretend that you never left home. Although I can understand her fear of what might happen in Morocco…
We all know about the crazy shit that goes down there.
LuAnn thinks it’ll be a great idea to “take the girls out of their element”. A GREAT IDEA? Maybe if you’re trying to start a nuclear reactor. I know Kelly will definitely be up for another trip (as long as she’s had a lobotomy since the last one – which is pretty likely).
So LuAnn giddily runs home and calls Jill to ask if she’d be interested in going. At first she says, “Another trip? But I just HAD a facelift!” Kidding. Jill’s actual response?
Ironic that you’ll check it off just as they kill you.
Luckily Bobby says Jill can go. Pretty sure he’s screaming, “SERENITY NOW!!!!” inside his head. I love how this is all LuAnn’s plan. She’s totally dodged the bullet this whole season and she totally just threw her hat in the ring. Did I say ring? I meant SHREDDER.
Next up, Sonja asks Ramona if she’d like to go (this is so fun to pretend like they don’t already have approval and tickets purchased!). Ramona’s response?
Isn’t this what you’d say at the end of a marriage instead of the beginning of a vacation?
Ramona says she’s afraid because “they don’t respect women and it’s a 3rd world country.” So much for the Moroccan Board of Tourism funding THIS trip.
Alex is also on board because “Simon doesn’t like couscous.” I never thought vaginas and couscous would have anything in common – but there ya go. Kelly, on the otherhand, says she’ll think of it. GIRL ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! Wait. Forget I asked.
LuAnn and Ramona then have “lunch”…
Definition of a “RH Lunch”: an awkward encounter culminating in an argument that will later heighten at a large social engagement all under the guise of ingesting food and beverage. Repeat 2-3 times EVERY episode.
So before the Pinot is even ordered, LuAnn smacks Ramona on the hand for getting into a fight with Jill. Ramona counters back that at least “SHE” says it to people’s faces (cue LuAnn’s look of “WHAT?! ME?! NEVER!”) and LuAnn counters with, “Here’s the shitty gift Jill got your from Australia.” Check and mate!
How could Ramona ever respond to that?!
The ol’ ranting like a crazy person about HER being the victim all while her eyes are closed!
WHY does she do that?! It drives me NUTS. She looks like a friggin’ idiot and nothing says “I’m lying” like talking with your eyes closed.
Ramona says she’ll resolve things with Jill and LuAnn’s happy because she doesn’t want another Bethenny situation on their hands. “Bethenny”!!! Everyone DRINK!!!
Next we join Sonja for her photoshoot for her “Toaster Oven Cookbook”. Ugh for Christ’s sake. REALLY? She’s REALLY going through with this? I hope the book comes with a “How to Live Alone Forever” booklet and a reason to live.
The uber gay make-up artist that’s there to help yells at everyone to stay off his ass and then pulls one of these…
Make-up your mind buddy.
And now for the shoot!
Her initials are “S&M”. I die.
Kelly soon joins in the fun only to discover that Sonja’s squatting in the middle of her dining table without any underwear on…
Fish. It’s what’s for dinner. And btw that table’s going to need to be cleaned with a blow torch if anyone’s ever going to eat on it again.
Kelly’s completely disgusted and tries to tell Sonja that none of these shots are gonna sell a book about toaster oven cooking. In Sonja’s defense, if anyone’s buying this book, it’s not because they wanna learn how to cook in a toaster oven. And if they are, they deserve a muff shot for their stupidity.
Let’s check in on Cindy, Jill, LuAnn and Kelly as they head off to a spa trip! (Uh oh, methinks this is the beginning of “Blondes vs Brunettes” that we’ve all heard about. Sides are being formed!)
Kelly starts the trip by dishing on Sonja’s muffin-shot (oh Kelly – you really make it hard to believe in your innocence when you start the dishin’ first) and Jill’s appalled but LuAnn’s all “Girl I see vaginas all the time! I’m like the kid in “Sixth Sense” but instead of ghosts, I see hair pie.” Looks like Kelly’s not getting the reaction she hoped for.
LuAnn then dishes about Ramona and calls her a “Diva Bitch”. Let the games begin! Morocco’s going to be fun! (For us to watch, not them to experience.)
Gears shift and Kelly starts crying on LuAnn’s shoulder about her divorce and shitty marriage. She even tells her that she was slapped around a bit. Yikes. Best part? The awkwardness coming from the back seat as Jill and Cindy pretend not to be listening. I’m pretty sure they were just sitting there mouthing “watermelonwatermelonwatermelon” over and over.
The ladies finally arrive at Canyon Ranch and are surprised with gifts. Jill rips hers right open as LuAnn stands by in horror because “one should NEVER open a gift in a hotel lobby!” I wish everyone was privy to the rules of being a Cuntess.
The next day the ladies all enjoy the ranch and start with… a massage? Seaweed wrap?
A drum class?! There’d be a small cloud of dust where I was once sitting as I made my way to the sauna. If I wanted to bang something at a spa I’d give the massage therapist my number.
The ladies then all have to share something about themselves. Kelly shares that she’s “obsessed with smells” (well she’s got “fear” down pat), Jill shares that “red isn’t my real color” (call the “No Shit Police”), and Cindy shares that she’s “not as tough as I appear”. So what does Jill do? Make a crack that her teeth aren’t real. Ahhh friendship, when someone’s down, make sure to kick them right in the fucking horse teeth.
Back in the city, Ramona’s meeting with a plastic surgeon regarding her turkey-neck. And she brought Alex and Sonja along for the joy ride! Blondes unite under the needle! Yeah!
Alex gets her face shaved (which they fucked up because it’s still totally there) while…
Sonja gets the demons exorcised from her belly.
It’s too late!!! HOLD HER DOWN!!!!
She’s actually doing it to tighten her stomach. Too much toaster oven cooking will do that to a belly.
Back at the Ranch, the ladies get together and talk about menopause. To which Cindy asks, “Did you see the “Vagina Monocles”? OMG. That’d be the best show ever.
Almost as good as the “Peanut’s Monocle”.
Kelly talks more about her shitty marriage and the girls are all glad she’s healing. Then Kelly says she’s not going to Morocco because of the Ramonsta and the girls all go crazy because they want her to go – also because another Kelly breakdown would ensure great ratings and another season of them getting paid to feign dramatics. Did I say that?
The girls then retire into their bathrobes and play a game where they have to use one word to describe each other.
Cindy: “Is “ruthless-cunt” count as one word if I hyphenate? Also, can I use it 3 times?”
They all start revealing what everyone wrote. Was there anyone waiting for one of Kelly’s to look like this?
Use your words Kelly. Sound them out.
Back in NYC, the girls are back from their trip and Alex arrives to help Jill stuff gift bags for an anti-bullying event. Apparently it’s because she feels for all of the kids out there who have been bullied. She’s right. Those kids need to be allowed to become adults before she bullies them. I kid, that’s sweet of her anyways. I hope she’s not stuffing the gift bags with baseball bats and loaded weapons though.
Jill tells Alex that Ramona’s coming over to and asks her to help “keep Ramona on a leash”. Aww! These are words friends use! I’ve learned so much from this show.
Later on at the event, Ramona arrives (while immediately demanding the Pinot Grigio she brought be corked and brought to her) and Jill confronts her immediately wanting to resolve things. But Ramona wants to wait for the trip. Yeah Jill! Don’t you know anything about building suspense and tension for the grande finale?! But Jill says she’d rather stay home and pick her nose than go on a trip with tension…
Thank God she found that new nose in Australia otherwise picking it would take some serious time. Loooots of surface area.
Then LuAnn arrives and she’s got a BONE to pick with Ramona. (Someone seriously lit a fire under her ass to get “involved”.) Apparently Ramona told a designer not to let LuAnn wear their clothes because SHE wanted to be the only one with them. So LuAnn is PISSED (NO ONE TELLS THE CUNTESS “NO!!!”) and calls Ramona a nasty bitch!!! ZING! Morocco’s shaping up to be a beautiful vacay!
Then LuAnn tells Ramona that everyone doesn’t want to go to Morocco because she’s such a bitch. Awww damn it LuAnn! Save it for the plane ride on the way there! Alex jumps in and defends Ramona and then makes the remark we’ve been waiting for!!! “SHE IS A THUG IN A COCKTAIL DRESS.” OHHH!!! Who here thought that about be about LUANN of all people?! I must admit that’s a big surprise.
Although I like LuAnn much better than Ramona, she’s totally stirring the pot while swearing she’s not holding the spoon. Alex just keeps begging her to simmer down while Ramona pops her “gummi berri juice” aka “Pinot Grigio” and starts to energize for the impending throw down.
Jill then enters the room and LuAnn tries to push her to confront Ramona but Jills just smiles her shit-eating grin. Which pisses LuAnn off because they won’t just have it out. She’s literally 5 seconds away from throwing a steak wrapped in diamonds down on the ground between them and firing off a gun.
Ramona then leaves just as Jill realizes she corked the wine that was supposed to be donated to the charity auction.
I have to give her credit, it’s not everyday an alcoholic takes the steps to make her own wine label so that she never has to share and always has a supply. It’s like a fat girl carrying around a marker and writing your name on everything in someone’s fridge.
But enough about Ramona – Kelly’s decided to go to Morocco!!! LuAnn says “This is going to be so good for you!” She’d seriously make the world’s worst therapist.
The fashion show then begins (why’s there always have to be a fashion show for every friggin’ event?!) and the ladies all notice that Ramona’s the only one pounding the wine back while watching. I kind of would too if I had to be there. Shit. I have to drink just to WRITE about these people.
After the show, Kelly goes up to Ramona to tell her she’s going on the trip despite what happened on the last one. Ramona declares innocence and Kelly forces her to just say, “Kelly I understand.” Friendship is forcing someone to say they care. Another lesson learned!
Jill then introduces her step-daughter to the audience who makes a speech about being bullied because she has a facial birthmark. It’s very touching and I’m sure the ladies all learned a lesson from it not to hurt others.
Stop laughing yet? Me neither.
And then we finish of the episode with Ramona finishing off her 8th bottle of Pinot Grigio while the other ladies look on in horror. Morroco’s gonna be a blast.
Rick, you best stock up on Pinot Grigio. Hire a barge. ASAP.
We then get a quick glimpse of what Morocco’s gonna be like!
I’m gonna wanna @#$% cut myself and drink poison?
We witness the world’s worst ab class?
And that’s it! Wow! What an episode! LuAnn’s put her balls on the chopping block and the stage is set for “Scary Island 2: Morocco!” What’d everyone think of the episode?! Are you Team Blonde or Team Brunette?! Is LuAnn really a thug in a cocktail dress?!? Come on everyone and DISH IT!!!