Welcome back to Real Housewives of NYC in… NEW YORK CITY! What?! Crazy talk! That’s right folks, we’re back where the ladies belong! Although, I’m sure the good people of Morocco dearly miss them all…
“OHHH HAPPY DAAAAAAY!!!”
We join Rammy back in NYC as she prepares for an intimate evening with her hubby. Apparently she feels she spends too much time working and enough time with him. Oh – and there’s that whole “fortune teller telling her he’s banging other chicks” thing.
Covering up the bed stains that you came home to is a great start!
And then she sits and waits… and waits… and– uh oh. Looks like the fortune teller could be right!
“Bitch I told you!”
Meanwhile, Alex and Simon are enjoying time at home together.
SNAKES!!! I’LL TAKE THE SNAKES OVER THIS! AGHHHH MY EYES!!!
Alex and Simon are all mushy and gross in an attempt to convince us he wasn’t nailing the entire Gay Men’s Chorus while she was out of town. He even eats oysters while talking about how they’ll help him have sex with Alex.
I’m pretty sure it’s because that’s what her vagina looks like.
Simon then goes on to tell Alex how he wants to replicate the model shot of her that he likes. I hope it’s the one where her hair looks like shit. They then toast the fact that they’re one of the only marriages left. Don’t forget about Jill and BAAAAAAAWBBEEEE!
Back with Rammy, she’s still waiting for Mario who appears only to be late. He sits down while she tells him the story about the fortune-teller. (Sidenote: Does it grate on anyone else that her voice goes up at the end of every sentence like a valley girl? UGH.) So of course Mario denies that there’s another woman but I get the distinct feeling he was thinking “Oh shit SHE KNOWS!” in his head. He just seemed weird about it.
And now the Alex & Simon lovefest continues…
If his junk is poking through a hole in the bottom of that basket, I’M DONE.
It’s a basket full of panties! Which is really nice because he probably wore all of hers out while she was away.
Granny panties with a vaginal codpiece. How… sexy?
OMG. It gets worse. She keeps trying on more.
Awww… “I LOVE US”. He totally snagged them from his bf “Gus” and rubbed the “G” off.
Back over with Rammy & Mario, she’s giving him a massage and my eyes are about to bleed.
He probably should’ve gotten the tramp stamp removed from his junk before she got home.
THANK GOD this shit ends before she works on anything else of his. Seriously gross. Couldn’t handle anymore. Next up…
AHHHHHH!!!! I take it back!!! I’ll watch anything else!!!! Bring back naked Mario!
Cindy and Howie are talking about business and take a break to look at photos from the trip. You can clearly see there’s like 20 photos on the iPad but for some reason they have issues figuring out how to go through them. I don’t get it. I’m bored. Then Cindy tries on new glasses and Howie says she’s cute. I’m waiting for the next oil massage at any moment.
So they finally go through the photos and Cindy realizes that Sonja cut her out of all the photos!!! What? Nooo – Cindy must be exaggerating again like with the hangers…
“I did it and I own it 100%.” YOU CRAFTY BITCH. I hate that I love you right now.
Speaking of Sonja, she’s off to the dermatologist to get god-knows-what-done and talks about how she might be interested in him because “he’s a doctor“.
“Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger BUT…”
We also get a glimpse of how Sonja leaves the sale tags on her clothes to remind her of how much she paid for things. WHAT? Who the fuck does that?! So weird.
Speaking of pinching pennies – it’s finally revealed that Sonja is $19 million dollars in debt. Though she doesn’t seem to be concerned as she’s getting a “VERY expensive” facial. I can’t believe Alex knew about this in Morrocco but didn’t bring it up! You can be DAMN sure that if it was LuAnn that was in debt she would’ve hired someone to write it out in the sky.
Now it’s time to catch up with Jill as she accompanies BAAAWBEEE to the tailor to have a suit made for him. She, of course, takes over and just makes the decisions for him. It’s no doubt who wears the custom-made-pants in this family.
They then decide to choose initials on the shirt and Jill chooses “JBZ” for “Jill BAWBEE Zarin” so that other women see it and stay away.
Yeah… cause the ladies are ALL over this. He looks like George Carlin… present day George Carlin (RIP).
Now it’s time for some loving with the Cuntess and Frenchie! They’re dining at a fancy restaurant and they confess their love for each other and LuAnn says how important laughter is in a relationship. Like laughing at Indian people and their “funny accents” apparently. Does anyone else feel froggie’s gonna flee the moment the cameras turn off?
Days later the girls all meet to take a look at Jill’s new “shapewear” line. And who better to test out these girdle-spanx than these ladies?!
Everyone’s hesitant to bring up Sonja’s finances but Alex gives it a whirl and Sonja starts to explain it just as Jill walks in. She tries to brush it off as a “movie producer suit” but Jill is NOT having it! So OF COURSE Jill goes into the details about why Sonja’s $19 million in debt while everyone sits there and looks like they’re watching a car wreck. Just as Jill’s about to start slamming Sonja’s head into the table while she screams, “YOU ARE A FUCKING BUM!!!”, LuAnn walks in and saves the day!
Alex takes this chance to approach LuAnn and asks her to meet at some point so they can have lunch and talk about how much they dislike each other. Ahhhh – a return to normalcy.
Speaking of returning to normalcy – Jill tells everyone she doesn’t trust Rammy and that’s why she didn’t invite her. Can’t wait for THIS one to be ironed out over lunch! Meanwhile Alex complains that Rammy should’ve been invited because of her fashion expertise. Bullshit! I agree with Jill. Rammy would’ve showed up and said inappropriate shit just for the shock factor of it all. Sorry, but if you open up your mouth and say WHATEVER you want all the time – this is what you get. Now sit home, throw yourself on the bed and WAIT.
So the ladies all get to trying on the fancy spanx and…
Sonja just wants to know if a) She can keep the price tags on and b) Can they be lined with pampers for when she finds out how much she’s really in debt?
Later that day, Alex meets Rammy and (of course) just HAPPENS to tell her ALL about Jill’s focus group. Rammy says she’s pissed because Jill should’ve just called her to explain why she wasn’t inviting her because this was part of the “Morocco Treaty”. That’s true. But I don’t think any of us could handle another screaming match of “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!” between those two.
Rammy points out that Jill is ALL over it when people are down but gets jealous when they’re “up”. Awww… that’s not true at ALL!!
“The. Fuck. It. Isn’t.”
Good point Bethenny. Rammy says that if she was there when Jill was on Sonja’s ass about her debt she would’ve “smacked the shit out of her.” Yup. That’s prooooobably why you weren’t invited.
Meanwhile, over at Kelly’s house, she’s discussing her family’s Christmas cards with…
The trannie version of herself? Who IS this guy?! Bizarro Kelly?
Kelly’s daughter is directing the photo for their card and her idea is that they’ll all be around the dishwasher while the dogs lick the plates. Wow. Total genius. She should art direct Lady Gaga’s next music video. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be far off. Just substitute plates for vaginas.
Next up, Rammy and Sonja meet to catch up and talk about Sonja’s debt. Rammy says it’s shit that Sonja was bombarded by the ladies and Sonja says that she thinks they were coming from a good place but it was unnecessary. In Sonja’s “interview” she admits that she’s made bad decisions and that she’s “on her own” and starts to cry. UGH. Stop making me feel bad for you! You say awful things and act like you’re better than everyone all season because you’re so rich and fancy! Guess what? If you didn’t act like a rich, snobby bitch all season then we’d all feel sorry for you…
Yeah. Sniff that finger. It’s the last time it’s gonna smell like anything other than food stamps for awhile.
Sonja says she’s heartbroken. I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s going to miss all of her furs. And the lulling sound of Chris March’s heavy breathing after he’s dragged his fat ass up her stairs to make her a fancy hat.
Watch out Rammy! She’s probably going for your purse!
Now on to more fun things – like lunch between Drama Queen and the Cuntess!
What the fuck is she WEARING?! Unless LuAnn is a Russian Ambassador circa 1820, I’m not sure this outfit is appropriate.
Alex tries to stutter out why she wants to “discuss” things with LuAnn and LuAnn just steamrolls her with a smarmy “I can’t even GUESS what you’d need to discuss with ME!” Alex tells her that her main gripe is the way she spoke to Rammy and LuAnn retorts with a condescending “You don’t need to worry yourself about Ramona and I.” LuAnn adds that she was actually going to talk to Rammy and let her know she was their for support. BUULLLLLLLSHIT! LOL. Oh LuAnn who the hell do you think you’re kidding?! We’d have a better chance believing that Alex wasn’t in it for more camera time than you were in it to support Rammy.
LuAnn then escalates shit by telling Alex to get a life and Alex fires back, “You’ve always been dismissive, haute and condescending and I don’t like it!” I love how Alex rattles these adjectives off like she clearly practiced saying it in the car ride over.
As things become heightened it’s always my fav when they start saying horrifically mean shit to each other but with the tone and facial expressions of “I’m being so mature and cordial to you right now!” Classy ladies!
Does she remind anyone of someone else?!
“If she doesn’t scare you, No evil thing will!”
LuAnn then makes a crack about Alex stomping down the staircase in her “Herman Munster” shoes (which is true/awesome) and Alex retorts that they’re LV shoes – to which the Cuntess replies, “Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.” HAHHAHAHAA. CUNTess! Now make Alex get up and walk around in them!
No comments about the coat?! It’s even worse from the back! It’s like the gayer version of Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat. And THAT’S saying something.
LuAnn finally decides to storm out and tells Alex to get a life once again and warns her of what happens to the messenger. She gets dressed like an ass clown by the RHONYC wardrobe department?
And that’s it! I hope Alex takes some debate classes before the reunion show this season because she’s going to get her flat ass handed to her. What did everyone think? Are you Team Cuntess or Team Alexa? Team Jill or Team Rammy/Sonja? Regular Kelly or Bizarro Kelly?! Let’s hear it! Come on and DISH IT!