Hello Gasmi! It’s bBitz here, back from an extended vacation (RHODC made me cut myself) to bring you recaps of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC!!! RHONYC is new to me. I never watched it until Flipit made me watch last season to prepare. Good news, I retained all of my sarcasm and none of my brain functioning after experiencing it. So now, although I drool and crap my pants anytime someone turns on a microwave (Hollah Randy Quaid!), I still have class! And why’s that so important?!? (all together now – in the key of tone-deaf she-male) “MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU CLAAAASS!!!” Let’s get to it!! (Before I throw my hands up in the air and scream “WE’RE DONE!”)
Ladies and gentlegays, here’s your cast – with their new “taglines” (I’ll translate for them!)
Translation: “This is disclaimer that I’ll be saying horrific shit to people for good ratings all season. Don’t be pissed, we’re still besties! PS – I’m bat shit fucking crazy.”(aaand cue the building to crush her)
Translation: “I got divorced. My life’s a mess. This is my effort to convince myself otherwise. Oh yeah, and “ELEGANCE IS LUUUUURVE… mah freeehnds!”
Translation: “I’m a BITCH.” Let the hate begin!
Translation: “Remember when I got to deliver the message to Jill that Bethenny was “DONE WITH HER!” and Jill was forced to pay attention to me?!?!? PEOPLE LISTENED TO ME!!! I EXISTED!!! Wait… Bethenny’s not coming back this season?!!? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY TO PEOPLE?!?! THEY WON’T CARE!!! MOTHER #$^@%!!!”
Translation: “…and two of them are standing behind me. PS – Any of you get Playboy?”
Translation: “Luxury = 80% of NYC’s male population between 50 to 70 years old.”
Translation: “I’ll be Bethenny’s inadequate replacement. Also, my dress is a bedsheet from Liberace’s linen closet. Toga! Toga!”
We begin at the soiree of our dear, mentally unstable friend, Ramona where she and Alex are discussing their use of “crazy eyes” and how lost they are without Bethenny to dump-on / live-through respectively. Kidding, they’re actually there because Ramona is unveiling her new wine line!
And if those bottles aren’t filled with 3 parts tears of people she’s destroyed and 1 part cat piss I’d be SHOCKED. Alex says she’ll be drinking it all up. This will most likely give her the ability to cut people down with “honesty” (which would be great for her) or the ability to get angry without turning into a red and blotchy albino monster (double plus!)
Speaking of Alex losing her shit, Jill’s here!!!
Holy shit! That guy from Inside the Actor’s Studio is following you Jill! RUN!!!!
Jill says she’s so surprised that Alex is being cold to her. Apparently Jill’s body was present at the reunion show last season but her mind wasn’t. Jill then peaces out as Alex throws up her hand with a snarky “BYE.”
What an awesome kick off this would’ve been if she connected it to Jill’s face. George Carlin over there seems to think it’s funny!
Jill says she’s grown and learned from last season. AKA she’s on a rainbow tour to win back viewer-love! Someone read the writing on the wall – or more appropriately, on every blog about this show.
Alex wants nothing to do with Jill but Simon convinces her to go over and talk to the group of them. Why? Well he’s either a producer on the show or he knows RHONYC money buys him more of those atrocious pants he loves to wear.
Alex makes the announcement to the group that she’s doing a march for equality for gay marriage from Manhattan to Brooklyn and wants everyone to join them. Awww. I think they came up with the only thing in the world that a) will get Manhattan gays and Ramona to agree to go to Brooklyn and b) might be more drama than this show can handle. These queens and those queens are gonna be beating each other up for camera time. YEAH!!!
The next day we see Kelly visiting Jill in her apartment.
Apparently Kelly’s analogies from last season were so bad, the producers have gone ahead and started sub-titling her for translation. How rude. They’re totally making moles out of mountain hills.
Jill says that she’s sticking by Kelly because Kelly’s had a hard time (and Kelly’s the only one that doesn’t hate her). Kelly says she didn’t go to Ramona’s cocktail party because she’s mean to her and called her “crazy”. As crazy as she is, I say good for her for avoiding drama. Bad for ratings (enjoy your last season Kelly!) but good for her.
Jill and Kelly talk about Alex but then subconsciously realize they’re spending too much time talking about Ms. Cellophane (see: Chicago) and immediately switch to their fav subject to bash… BETHENNY! For those of you at home, we’ll be drinking TWO shots every Bethenny’s name is mentioned this season!
Jill says she misses Bethenny and it was like a break up for her. Then Ramona chimes in via confessional and says it’s all Jill’s fault because she got “Jill-ousy” over what Bethenny was getting. ZING! Ramona for the win! Now we know for sure she spent the whole hiatus making wine and Jill-zingers.
Ooooh LuAnn looks so skinny now! And I love what she did to her hair— oh… wait. Nevermind. Not yet. False alarm.
Back with Alex, Simon’s starting a new social media company. Which probably means he’s the man behind “Sassy Gay Friend”. Then Alex BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND by revealing that not only is she now a model… SHE’S 36!!! UM WHAT? I mean this in the nicest possible way BUT YOU LOOK LIKE THE CRYPT KEEPER’S GRANDMOTHER. Shit, that was suppose to be nicer. I blame Ramona’s influence.
Alex’s agent talks to her about her portfolio (I have to say she’s actually a perfect model… for JCPenny) while Simon says that he thinks it looks great. Then Jill confessional-blitzes the scene (loving this new editing!) and says that people are models because they’re “photogenic not pretty”. Which is AWESOME because she just cut Alex down… AND HERSELF.
Then we get to meet Cindy, friend of Ramona, as Ro-Ro and Sonja (resident who-ah) visit her at an art gallery. Cindy’s a downtown girl that’s “edgy and fun”…
If she’s not Steven Tyler’s mother I’ll eat my weight in Cadbury Eggs. What?!? I’m wrong?! Damn it. (nom nom nom nom nom…)
Cindy owns a spa chain that specializes in hair removal…
And bedazzle-stapling young girls’ stomachs. Why a heart on the stomach?! What does that even mean?! You love food? To get a guy to think of love as he goes down on you!? Just think though, you pay for a small heart but get a 9-month size upgrade when he knocks you up.
We get to meet some of Cindy’s family, including Howie, her most-likely homo bro and her two babies…
I can’t possibly think of a better teething toy for a Real Housewive’s baby. She’s gonna chew through credit like Jill at Sak’s.
IT’S OFFICIAL! CINDY’S MY FAVORITE! Dear Cindy, You’re fat. Spend every moment of the season with your trainer please. Also, you’d be more likable if his shirt was off. Fix that.
Cindy then talks about not needing a man. True that girl! Being single means you’ll spend more time at the gym trying to get hotter so you’re not single. Which means more time between me and your trainer. Yes…please.
Back at the gallery, Cindy introduces us to her friend and artist, Peter Tunney…
Who apparently gets dressed by doing spin art on a t-shirt and then throws it on. If you don’t know what spin art is, then you never went to a fair in the 80′s. Congrats. You missed out on EVERYTHING.
The rest of the clan then arrives and Kelly gets in what will probably be the best line of the episode, “I’m not sure if Alex and Simon are here to buy art, but I know that they’ll come to an opening of an envelope.” NICE. Stop making me like you Kelly. My skin’s starting to itch.
The artist, Peter, then announces that they’re all there to make an art piece for charity which require them make foot prints all over something with paint. Cue Jill making a comment that her shoe’s are way too expensive for this…
Bitch, please. The only reason your shoes are worth anything is because you’ve been kicking them up Bethenny’s money-maker for the last year.
Jill then goes to work trying to find out WTF the baby-situation is with Cindy. Stopping just short of ripping Cindy’s dress off and checking for stretch marks, she puts Cindy on the spot and gets the details about her IVF.
But more importantly…
HELLOOO!!! Ugh. But he’s got Sonja-juice all over him. Damn her for marking him. You bitch. You’re my hero.
Sadly, Sonja then leaves with LuAnn instead. Well… either way she’s still getting dick tonight. Did I mention the Countess finally made an appearance? It was AMAZING. She walked in and then zzzzzzzzz…….
Next up, we’re with Ramona as she’s hiring another assistant. First she meets Tunisia and says her name sounds like a country. CLASSIC. Then poor, sweet Tunisia says she’s sensitive and her feelings get hurt easily. YOU’RE HIRED! ROLL CAMERAS! LMAO! Faaaaantastic! We then watch Ramona tear through possible assistants. I hope there was a puke bucket and someone handing out the suicide hotline phone number by the exit door.
And JUST when I think it can’t get worse, she starts giving some poor girl – right out of college – an unsolicited makeover. Including tips on making her outfit better (“You don’t have to be pretty – just dress nicer!”) and getting better skin. HOLY SHIT. If this girl’s not floating below the Brooklyn Bridge 20 minutes from now it’ll be a miracle. She really needs Bethenny to run in there and protect her with some holy water and a cross…
Misses kisses, Bethenny.
Ramona then moves on to the next victims. I’m guessing her hallway’s gonna look like something out of a greek tragedy by day’s end. But not with much worse skin.
AAAAAND next up we finally we have LUANN!!! Elegance is luuuuuurve! Awww… I love this bitch. She’s so tone deaf she makes Rebecca Black look like Christina Aguilera.
LuAnn and Sonja are having dinner with their respective fuck buddies. They begin sitting next to the other one’s date. Huh?! A little early in the evening to start trading partners isn’t it? Anyways, they end up switching back. Maybe it was one of the producer’s brilliant ideas. Or maybe it’s just how the keys got picked out of the bowl.
Then Sonja tells them the story how they met (Brian came over to hang his paintings on her walls… and then his balls in her mouth) and LuAnn chimes in that she’s sure it’s not the FIRST time it’s happened. I love how Sonja just lets it roll right off and laughs. Any one of these other ladies would’ve blown a gasket and had a friggin’ meltdown about disrespect.
LuAnn’s date, let’s just call him Frenchie, then makes a big revelation…
Awww… Let’s break this down into “I need a green card and I know how I’m getting it.”
Brian then says how Sonja is beautiful and Sonja plays it off as a semi-serious fling. Mostly because she’s taking it slow. Ugh! Sonja! Stop being so rational! You should’ve married and divorced him by now! We’re almost through the first episode for crissakes!
Out at Ramona’s house in the Hampton’s, we find Ramona fucking up cutting a bagel (Jill would “doy-ie”!) while she waits for the model, Alex, to make her grand entrance. Apparently they’re all going to a wedding and the girls are all excited to ambush Jill with Alex. Of course! It worked out so well with ambushing her with Bethenny last season! And even better – they’ll get to ruin someone’s wedding day this time as well! WIN / WIN!
Later on, the wedding begins and we see Jill prying her ass out of her car as she complains about her spankx. Gross. So nice to know that’s all wrapped up tight like a sausage in its casing. If she bumps into something sharp everyone’s gonna die via spanx shrapnel.
And then Kenny Loggins chooses the worst time to let an Ensure fart rip.
After they get a few fake kisses out of the way – it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game… “LET’S BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE UNTIL ONE OF US IS JUST AGGRESSIVE AND THE OTHER ONE CRIES!”
Jill starts things off by lying about knowing Alex was going to be there – Alex counters with asking Jill about her being out of town and not being able to make the march that she found out Jill is actually on the committee for – Jill says it was a sub committee – my head explodes and I start stress eating just from watching this. Jill, clearly caught in a lie, then backs off and SMILES. Then it cuts to her saying she’s a new person that will always be kind. NOOOO!!! Bitch you’ve already burned enough bridges to make your own island – don’t start being nice NOW! Not when I’ve just started recapping!
Then there’s some sort of confusing drama about Ramona, Howie (Cindy’s not-a-homo bro) and a cigar. I’m confused. But Ramona’s speechless. So we have a category 5 shit storm brewing folks.
Then the girls dish about gay marriage and Ramona says, “Being gay means you still have a choice!” meaning gays should have the choice to marry. Kind of misleading since it implies gays have a choice to begin with, but I applaud them for their views and support. I feel bad making fun of them now… ok the moment’s passed.
Off to the side, Jill holds cowffeee tawk with two other Jersey broads and (drumroll please!) calls Alex a “FUCKING BITCH”. DING DING! Ladies and gentleman – after a 50 minute hiatus – the bitch is back! Then Ramona and Alex wander off to Jill who’s sitting by the wedding cake. If there’s a God, this episode ends with one of them slamming the other’s face into that cake.
Well, maybe Alex will let it go and— WRONG! She calls Jill out for lying about knowing that Alex was going to be there and Jill tries to brush it off with a…
“SO WHAT! WHO CARES?!” (How perfect would Jill be for this?!)
So the girls decide to let the dust settle… until the next episode but not until…
Ramona can stick her fucking finger in the WEDDING CAKE and ruin it!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! PS – That lady on the right is totally dressed like she’s about to charm a snake out of the god damned cake.
Oh well. You know it’s only gonna get better when Ramona tells the bride it was an ugly cake anyway and she looks fat in her wedding dress.
But for now – that’s it! What a first episode! It’s really set the stage for what looks to be a total cluster fuck of a season! LOVE IT! What did you all think!? Will Alex finally get respect and beat Jill at her own game?! And apparently we’re going to the Middle East this season?! Because I guess it worked so well for Sex and the City?! (FAIL) In any case I’m excited to see the ladies tear each other down. Money can’t buy you claaaaaasssss! MAH FREHNDS!
Shout out and let me hear what you all think! Come on and dish it!!!