Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Hello everyone! Welcome back for the second episode of Real Housewives of NYC! I threw my back out this week so it’s going to be a delightful, muscle-relaxer-induced recap for everyone. Maybe in my medicated-daze I’ll give the ladies a break and not be so harsh. I mean, these are real people, with real problems and honest hearts and…
I love how she’s got a dog in the background instead of children. Maybe if she stopped guzzling down her chances at getting pregnant she’d have some cute lil’ bastards to show off like the other ladies.
For those of you keeping track, my kindness streak lasted 2.5 seconds.
We begin at Sonja’s apartment while the Countess arrives and they prepare for the “Equality for Gay Marriage March Extravaganza” thing. Apparently Sonja is the grand marshall for being a gay icon. Huh? Did she win Ru Paul’s Drag Race and I don’t remember? She’s almost as angular as Raja. Definitely sluttier though.
Luann tries to get out of wearing a wedding dress for the march but crafty Sonja already has a bunch there. I hope she’s got one with shoulders that are 4 feet across and ample room in the crotch. Speaking of linebacker shoulders, Kelly’s here! And just in time to hear Sonja talk about having sex. She’s like Blanche with all of the sex talk and none of the southern class or charm to go along with it.
Next to arrive, everyone’s favorite nag, Alex! Sonja thanks her for coming to HER day and Alex counters that she’s happy to be there because it’s HER day (she’s on the committee-to-talk-about-herself or something like that). Kelly mentions that she’s actually there for the cause. Kelly: 1point.
Alex talks about the wedding the day before and how she thought her, Jill and Ramona should’ve all stayed away from each other. Like when she approached Jill TWICE and called her out on lying. She’s so non-confrontational like that. This wolf in sheep’s clothing shit is getting really old fast, Alex. No one likes Jill. But being obsessed with destroying the girl no one likes isn’t likable either. Let’s call it “Housewives Backlash”.
Alex tries to explain the theory behind wearing a wedding gown for the march. Which is hysterical to watch her justify wanting to show off her wedding gown. Bitch please, you know you’re just excited to finally wear that thing without some guy in red patent leather pants standing next to you and saying, “I dooooooo!” with glitter shooting out of his ass.
The rest of the girls all call her out on it (I sense a mutiny) and get to putting on dresses that are half their size and double their class.
I’m gonna need 10 pounds of Crisco, a gallon of baby oil and a Goddamned miracle – STAT!
Kelly asks the question, “What if you sneeze?!” and I love her a little more. Kelly: 2! Sonja blames her rib cage but we all know that can’t be true since she had those removed for her career. But enough about that, Sonja then reminds us, for the 3rd time, that everyone’s there to support her as the grand marshall.
Which is super awesome because this is Alex’s face every time Sonja says the words “Grand Marshall”.
I feel like Sonja’s going out of her way to piss Alex off more than actually just being selfish about the event. I hope so. If she is, I’m a fan. Off to the march!
Awww. Sweetest threesome ever. I hope Joseph and his dreamcoat complete them.
The girls all escort Sonja to the holding tent where the real fun begins. Marriage Equality speeches? No. Love and Peace? Not quite. Harmony? Not a fucking chance. A group of attention-starved bitches fighting about who the day should all be about? CHECK.
Alex starts throwing a shit fit because Sonja made the event promise that SHE would be the only one to speak and now Simon (Alex’s not-gay-but-should-be hubbie) can’t speak about his love of unicorns, rainbows and giant cock. NOW I really hope that Sonja isn’t this delusional and is REALLY just wanting to piss Alex off because she’s being a total bitch about it. Best part? They have this argument loudly and front/center while Kelly’s screaming it’s not about them. I swear they’re the only people in the world that could out-drama a giant crowd of NYC gays at their own event. Someone’s going to get shot with a confetti cannon.
Side note: Love this commercial as it’s a perfect example of how the housewives should be forced to move around in public.
Back to the show, the girls are really going at it (is this some sort of cross promotion with Bridezillas?! Love that show!) and there’s NO possible way the situation could get worse, RIGHT?!
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!
Jill shows up just in time to make a bad situation worse. And OF COURSE Alex is on her like Sonja on anything shaped like a dick. She immediately comments that “as a committee member she’s glad she could make it”. UGH. This is the one time Jill would be completely allowed to scream “SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUP!!!!” and smack her. Alex gives me a friggin’ headache. I wanna shave her eyebrows so she’s unable to make the pronounced scowl that she does every five fucking minutes.
Finally it’s time for Sonja to make her big speech. She could get up there and deliver something greater than the friggin’ Gettysburg Address and you know Alex is gonna say, “It wasn’t good – SIMON WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER!!!”
Sonja starts by saying that she’s FINALLY going to get to say something that’s on her mind…
Who saw this one coming?
Her speech is… well.. it’s… confusing. She goes all over the place and just shouts out catch phrases like “second class citizens” and “it’s raining men!” which infuriates Alex, as a first class bitch. Alex is right though (my skin just crawled), Sonja really fucked that speech up. Although, the organizers didn’t set the bar very high to begin with.
“What do we want?!” “CLAAASSSSS!!!” “When do we want it?!” “NOW!!!”
Now we’re off to visit Cindy, our newest Housewife. She’s chilling with her homo(?) bro Howie and they discuss the wedding. Howie brings up Ramona and how she was talking about the guy that Howie’s girlfriend (he’s straight?!) dated before he passed away. The cigar incident. Henceforth known as the “I-Could-Give-a-Shit-This-Is-Boring-Me Incident”. Cindy’s upset that Ramona was talking smack but decides to let Howie deal with it.
Though I feel like the real story here was why Cindy’s dressed like a homeless Olsen twin. Or a cast member of a community theatre production of Cats. Or that she just went shopping at Stevie Nicks’ yard sale.
Back at the march, the girls all go to Alex and Simon’s to hang out – cause ya know – they weren’t just all screaming at each other and trying to punch each other in the throat. Alex starts out by “throwing an olive branch” at Jill and then 10 seconds later makes a snarky remark to her kid not to crawl up Jill’s leg. (see: Last season BS)
Side note: He dresses like Cindy, has Kelly’s cheek bones, Ramona’s crazy eyes, Jill’s red hair, Luann’s dentures, Alex’s pale skin and Sonja’s herpes. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the love child of the RHONYC!
Alex then announces that she wants to hear Simon’s speech. And he begins, “When I came to this country from Australia…”
Yes Simon, we all remember where you’re from and how you got here.”
Sonja, then makes a gay joke about Simon and ruins making fun of Simon for the rest of us. Jill tops it by making the “if gays wanna be miserable like the rest of us, let ‘em get married!” joke that’s been made 1.3 million times.
The next day, Sonja dons her grandmother’s smock and visits Brian who she’s currently schtupping (sp?). Brian says he’s nervous to reveal to her the painting he made of her.
If there’s a God, this is his painting.
Sonja says she knows he’ll get it right because she’s given Brian the “Sonja Pill” which may cause delusions of grandeur, cramps and gonorrhea.
Time for the big reveal!!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!! It looks like a slutty Joni Mitchell!
Sonja is NOT impressed because she looks haggard, used and old. GEEZ Sonja, it’s not a glamour shot, a painting is a picture of your soul, so ya know, he’s spot on. HAHAHAHAHAAHA… She gives him tips and leaves him to pound his head against the wall.
Sonja then joins LuAnn for what looks to be a liquid lunch. The ladies start to dish n’ bitch about Alex and LuAnn says, “She found her voice, now it’s time for her to be quiet.” Aww so true. Even if Alex was right about Sonja being a psychotic “ME!!!” freak, she needs to learn there’s no winning arguing with this girls.
And now it’s TURTLE TIME! We’re at an event that Ramona bought a table at and as they place the name cards, Alex vents about Sonja at the march. You can tell it’s KILLING Ramona to have to take Alex’s side against Sonja. She says she’s caught in the middle. Let’s hope they tear her apart like a rag doll.
Sadly, Ramona didn’t invite Kelly because she’s “crazy”. Awww… Poor Kelly, sitting at home by herself on her horse and—
OH FUUUUUUUCK! INCOMIIIIIIING!!! BOOM!!!!
While Ramona scrambles to make a make a last-minute place card for Kelly, whom she never invited, Kelly chats with Sonja about what a bitch Ramona is (a la the St. John trip). Fuck me. These ladies are INSANE. I mean, how can they not be exhausted?! At some point I’d just sit there and be like, “Fuck it – I’m tired of fighting – say what you want – I’m getting drunk and eating this place card.” Maybe the producers give them a bonus check every time their head spins or they make someone cry blood.
Kelly says “Hi and Bye!” to Ramona and then peaces out (nice!) leaving Ramona to look like an asshole. Once all the ladies are seated, Sonja starts to bitch to Ramona about Alex and Simon…
While Simon eavesdrops and thinks, “Mmmm this cock is delicious”. Alex: It’s chicken. Simon! Simon: It’s called COCK and I LOVE IT!!!
The next day at the park, Cindy, Kelly and LuAnn get together in the park to talk about hair in the wrong places since that’s Cindy’s career.
If I was a producer on the show I’d totally spike those drinks, and any others, with Rogaine and sit back and watch the insanity unfold.
Back with Sonja, she’s preparing for her big art show and has invited Alex “regardless of what happened at the last event”. Has anyone noticed that EVERY host starts their event by saying, “And I’ve invited ______ regardless of what happened at the last event.” HYSTERICAL! Bitches don’t learn and they love the drama. Thanks for the entertainment ladies! Speaking of….
Look! It’s Alex! And apparently she requested a costume from Barberella that would flatten her chest the most. Kudos!
Ten seconds into the party Sonja confronts Alex and says she just wants to clear the air – by telling Alex that her husband is a flaming bully (I may be paraphrasing). It’s OK though, Alex is totally taking it well…
I’m sure she’s just practicing deep breathing and that’s not a jaw-dropping look of shock that’s going to lead to a shit storm.
Nope, it was’t the breathing! Alex fires back and starts screaming about what really happened (GOD I HATE HAVING TO AGREE WITH ALEX) and Sonja just loudly clucks back that Alex is being rude – mind you – after Sonja brought it all up right from the get go. What a bitch. And drawing attention to them while Alex is dressed like that? That’s just mean.
The fighting escalates to Sonja throwing Alex out of her house (which I’m pretty sure she planned on before she got there – it would explain why Alex wore body armor) and Alex just keeps trying to prove her point to no avail. LuAnn and Cindy walk right into the middle of it and it’s all kind of awesome. GOD I wish these women were allowed to hit each other.
Then suddenly Sonja takes a moment to show us how she spends her nights and weekends.
Alex finally leaves (sans dignity) and LuAnn remarks that she should’ve been kicked out for the dress alone. OH LUANN! Why am I loving you more and more. Is it your claaaaasssss? Yes.
Sonja explains to LuAnn and Cindy what happened and her side of the story is pretty much…
“And then Alex took a gun out and shot a puppy and ate a baby’s brains and told us she worships Satan and I was just like, Oh my God why isn’t this about MEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Meanwhile, Alex calls Simon while she’s out on the street and tells him everything. Though it’s probably the worst place for her to have this convo…
How rude! She doesn’t need buttons. She needs a whip and a sling.
Alex says she’s never been thrown out of a house or told she has bad manners. However she has been asked to leave thousands of times because of her outfits. So there’s that.
The chickens all cluck away at the event until it’s time for Sonja to reveal her painting. But not before she tells everyone that the artist, Brian, gets women to come to his house so they’ll pose naked. She’s classy folks. If Brian was thinking he would’ve painted Alex and surprised her with THAT.
Ummmm that’s NOT what he started with!!! It looks like he cut out a photo of her, enlarged her rack and slapped it on a Bob Ross painting.
Sonja loves it but the rest of the girls trash it and say she looks way BETTER than the painting. Really? To be honest, after this episode, I’m pretty sure THIS is the painting I would’ve made of her:
SONJA IS VIGO!!! DESTROY ALEX!!!
And that’s it! What did everyone think?! This was a pretty awesome episode and it’s only the beginning! I’m excited. Whose side is everyone on? Is Alex right but annoying? Is Sonja right but obnoxious? Are they all drama whores looking for their 16th minute? I love hearing from you all! Come on and dish it!