Never forget the Patio Poodle!
This recap/review/analysis could go one of several ways:
1) Do I LOVE it, without criticism? Talk up the show’s very cool twists and turns? Praise the performances? Admire SMG’s general loveliness? Give a thumbs up to the sheer brilliance of the costume department?
2) Do I call BULLSHIT? I’m pissed! That Bridget and Siobhan never had THE confrontation! I wanted some Valjean/Javert shit! – and that only took 4 hours! This took 22 hours!
3) Do I give it the two and a half stars review? Didn’t hate it, didn’t like it. “I mean, yeah, I watched the show, 22 episodes and then wrote about it, but I learned A LOT in the process. I figured out so much about myself.” What???
4) Do I combine all 3 into a real comprehensive view of RINGER – the HIGHS, the lows, the RINGERland of it all?
Ding ding ding! I do believe #4 is the winna!!!!
The pressing question is – will RINGER be renewed? And did the show owe us a tidy ending just in case it isn’t renewed?
I don’t know. None of the online pundits know. No one in the trades knows. No one on various social media sites knows. Oh, and that octopus who predicted the World Cup died – so he don’t know.
PLUS – he’s kinda creepy, right?
Finale – I’m The Good Twin
The finale opens on a scene with a bridal tent; containing a bridal party and many bridal guests. Where did they find these people? It’s already been established that the world hates Siobhan – OH, it’s probably all of Hubs’ clients he’s currently ripping off. Ah – romance…
Oh, so NOW Hubs breaks out the “I’m English and charming” look!
Bridg starts down the aisle. She is giving betrothed woodland nymph fairy realness. Hubs is tuxed out and Juliet is adorbs in her maid of honor dress.
Bridg falters on her vows when it comes to the “I, Siobhan” part because she still has a sense of decency, but that is immediately quashed.
Aw, she looks so happy – too bad that…
And then – they are re-commited! Or married for the first time! Or neither since she’s commiting the ultimate identity theft!
The scene changes to the reception and everyone is having a wonderful time until…Mr. Handsome Mobster Stripper Murderer – Badaway Macawi (Badawi Macaway? – I’ve used both) has arrived without RSVP’ing. RUDE!
I hope he brought the fondue pot!
And then – Bridg wakes up. Wa-waaaa… Although, anyone who thought that wasn’t a dream sequence hasn’t really watched the show, amirite?
So Bridg wakes up, looks at Hubs sleeping in ignorant bliss, and makes the final decision – she’s coming out!
Back to life, back to reality…
Bridg is sharing at her NA meeting. She gives a shoutout to Malcolm. Wow, I’m relieved they at least mentioned the poor guy again – jeez.
Sidebar! About Malcolm. What the hell do we think happened there? The former lover, sponsor, emotional soulmate, and selfless devotee to Bridget just disappears? And is replaced by SMG’s former co-star Sean Patrick Thomas who is basically playing the same role AND just happens to also be African-American? Does this seem odd to everyone? Did they hope people wouldn’t know the difference between the two men? I just don’t know…
I wonder if meetings ever get boring and someone decides to just jump on that piano and they all sing show tunes
ANYWAY – Bridg shares that she is so happy to receive her one year chip and she is preparing to reveal herself to her family. She speaks vaguely enough to give the impression that she will be telling them about her past drug career, but we know the real lowdown, right loyal viewer? (WINK). She also shares that her “renewal” wedding (which I can’t hear without thinking of Ramona Singer) will take place in Turks and Caicos with only Hubs and Juliet in attendance. What – was Fort Lauderdale booked, Bridg?
Bridg is now in the car with Solomon Grundy who is not happy about Bridg’s plan to reveal herself. He warns her that Hubs will not be happy. Good advice, Solomon but you know who else gave good advice? Malcolm! Hrmphhh!
Did Malcolm not have a driver’s license?
Hubs and Grampa John M.D. (who I was told didn’t even play Trapper John M.D. – he played Gonzo) are meeting about the Martin/Charles transfer of ownership.
Now you do realize this deal comes with an insane British woman who is currently in Sapphic love with my ex-wife? That’s cool, right?
Bridg comes in and Gramps is none too happy to see her. Oh, could it be the whole Siobhan/Henry affair which led to his daughter’s murder? Yeah, that’s the one. He leaves.
Bridg and Hubs give each other smooches and talk all lovey-dovey. He’s not sure he deserves this second chance given to him by Gramps, but Bridg assures him “Everyone deserves a second chance.” But under what circumstances, Bridgy?
At the hospital, Henry and Siobhan are observing the newborn twins.
They look just like – um – somebody…
Hen is still very affectionate and chatty so obviously the paternity test is not in yet. Shiv tells Hen she wants to name the girls Portia and Reagan.
Sidebar! Portia and Reagan are both from Shakespeare. Portia is the name of
the daughter in The Merchant of Venice who is sold to Shylock (TheMerchant)
for a pound of flesh. And it’s a comedy, people! Reagan is one of the three sisters in King Lear. She is one of the nastiest female Shakespearean characters ever, destroying her family and kingdom for in a grasp for power. She’s basically Lady Macbeth’s younger sister. Also, SMG is a Republican – is this a Pres. Ronnie reference?
Henry, the wannabe bibliophile, says his heart was set on Franny and Zooey from Salinger’s Franny and Zooey. Yeah, one was a boy, Henry. You’re not too bright, are ya?
He tells Siobhan he wants to go back to Chicago to be with his family. He finally has the BOY twins back in his custody (when did that happen?) and there’s nothing left here.
Machado has his badge returned, but is told he is permanently OFF the case. He has a choice – give up the Macawi search or lose your job forever. Well, we all know which option he’ll choose, don’t we?
Bridg arrives at the apartment with today’s assortment of shopping bags. She sees she has a visitor – former Officer Jimmy (the former partner of Machado who was Bridg’s watchman who was actually working for Macawi). Wait, what? He’s escaped from jail!
I escaped a maximum security prison – yeah? What of it?
He believes she is Siobhan, telling her she needs to pay him off – just like she did before. So – he was working for Siobhan to scare Bridg into running from Macawi. So – he’s a sub, sub-contractor. A double rat.
Bridg asks him why she should pay him anything – she can just call 911 and report him. He tells her that Macawi doesn’t actually know that Bridg has a twin, but if he told him then the Baddie would come after her.
But where? Club Caged? The Double Nickel Motel? I feel very well-versed on the hot spots of Rock Springs
Jimmy is a-drinkin’ at a Wyoming bar – and it isn’t a strip club! John De Lario (bologna basement guy) comes in, sidles up next to him, and we get some hi-larious gay Brokeback Mountain talk. My God – really, writers? What, was a Matthew Shepherd joke right here too edgy? BOO!
John tells Jimmy he will pay him double if he flips on Macawi and works for them. Jimmy turns John down just as Siobhan appears. “I’m the good twin!”
She wants him to scare Bridg into running.
Never thought I would see these 3 together
And I’m guessing he went for it.
Back at the apartment Jimmy tells Bridg he wants 50 K so he can escape from all this nonsense. Good plan - in theory, Jim.
Henry’s brownstone – Siobhan is folding an entire dining room table’s worth of baby clothes. Somebody’s been to Gap Ki-ids! Henry pops in, acting extremely eager and excited. Hmm. She tells him that once the twins are released, she wants to join him in Chicago. He’s all about it, but he’s been looking for homes and isn’t sure if he can afford anything. Smartski Shiv offers to put down the down payment. I guess motherhood does change you.
Sidebar! So has anyone else been annoyed by how Siobhan has basically
been neutered (spayed?) in the past couple episodes? I wonder if the birth
of the twins took her vengence/wackitude down a few notches. If the whole
plot is based out of Sean’s death, the new twins might have resolved a lot of
FBI headquarters – Machado and random agent are walking and talking. Bad news – they found a body in Hoboken with a resemblance to Malcolm. Oh great, so Malcolm is dead? In Hoboken? Oh, and by the by – Jimmy escaped from the pen. You guys – WHEN oh WHEN is Machado going to catch a fucking break???
Lost another one, Machado. Have you ever thought about real estate?
The apartment – Bridg, Hubs, and Juliet are having a full on dinner prepared by the lady of the house. While Hubs and Jules are giggling over his facial expressions, Bridg is looking quite uncomfortable. Just as she gets up the gumption to begin her coming out, Juliet interrupts saying she has to call Andrea who just broke up with her boyfriend. Like, really, like?
Now we have the extremely overdone scene of “Wait, before you say you thing, let me say my thing.” So before Bridg can tell Hubs she’s he’s real wife’s twin sister, he has to recite a poem to her. It’s actually quite pretty and Gruffudd sells it pretty well. Bridg puts off her confession.
Seedy motel – Jimmy is packing his stacks and getting the heck out of there. There is a knock at the door. It’s Baddy Bad Badaway. He asks Jimmy where he’s going and finds the cash in his bag. Jimmy tells him he had to flip on him to protect himself and then spills that Bridg is living the high life on Park Ave.
Macawi is not impressed and gives him a knife to the gut. Oh Jimmy – just another pawn in this game, weren’t ya?
Easy, Macawi, he’s not into any Brokeback Mountain stuff!
At the apartment, Bridg and Solomon Grundy are chillin on the Poodle Patio.
I think I’ll miss you most of all, Poodle Patio
She fills him in on the Jimmy situation and the plan they had laid out. He gives her a gun, which initially she refuses but then accepts. Hmm, wonder if that gun will make an appearance later? What do you think, Mr. Chekhov?
She tells him she is definitely going to tell Hubs tonight – after their going away party. I guess people have a going away party before they go to Turks and Caicos to renew their vows?
She tells him she wants one more night of the “fantasy”.
At Henry’s, Siobhan finds the paternity test letter. Just as she’s opening it, Henry pops up looking smug. She asks him why he would ask for the test and then assures him that the results were just as she thought – the twins are his.
He seems very relieved and lets her know that she made his tough decision very easy. When he leaves she reads the letter. Henry, you are NOT the father!
I’m guessing “Franny and Zooey” are off the table now
At the office, Hubs and Gramps are signing the papers to finalize the company transfer. Overly confident Hubs, brags about his happy marriage and Gramps can’t take it anymore. He needs to tell him something.
The apartment – the going away party is in full effect. Madchen Gossip Girl asks Bridg where Hubs is just as he arrives.
Does this going away party have a Moroccan theme?
Hubs – he no happy. He tells Bridg has been a lie, he knows about the affair, and the vow renewal is off! Uh-oh.
Juliet looks cute with lipstick, right?
Back at Henry’s, Siobhan is checking her bank account and sees it on $0. She’s been robbed! She asks Henry how much that down payment could have been and he admits he never put down the down payment.
Uh-oh – that’s “the talk” pose if I’ve ever seen it
He tells her he took all the money. He knew the paternity results before she did and knew she had lied. He could have accepted the fact that the girls weren’t his, but he cannot accept another lie. Once AGAIN, he kicks her out.
But she has nowhere to go – AGAIN. He tells her he’s sure she will figure it out. Burn? Burn.
The apartment – Bridg is recovering on the couch. Madchen comes in, telling her everyone is gone and asking what she can do for her. Bridg sees the report about the death of Jimmy and freaks. She tells Madchen she just needs to be alone. Once Madchen is gone, she pulls out the cell and calls Machado.
Why does he laugh when he sees Bridg’s number calling?
She tells him that she knows Macawi is back in town. He lets her know that he’s off the case, but still wants to help her – just as Hubs arrives back at the apartment. She immediately hangs up on Machado despite his protestations.
So, here we are at the moment of truth. Bridg tells him she did not have an affair with Henry. Their marriage, for the past 7 months, has been amazing.
He reminds her they have been married for 7 YEARS, but she tells him they haven’t – because she’s not Siobhan, she’s Bridget.
What the what now?
Hubs isn’t happy. he can’t believe he’s been sleeping next to a drug addict prostitute. OK, then – so Turks and Caicos is off?
Flashback to Club Caged – the night of Shaylene’s murder.
Bridg is causing trouble of course…
We see Macawi strangle Shaylene and then see Bridg. It’s not pretty.
You didn’t deserve to go down like that, Shaylene
Sidebar! – For once the flashback is used correctly – as a storytelling device to illustrate the information being given from one character to another. For once we have context for a strip club scene!
In the present – Hubs does not accept her excuse. Even though he still loves her, everything has been a lie. He tells her to get the hell out.
Bridg arrives at Madchen’s house. Conveniently, Juliet is also there. They go outside for a chat. Bridg tells her that she is isn’t Siobhan, she is Bridget. Juliet says she knew she was too good to be true and not only is she as bad as Mama, she is worse. She leaves and Bridg cries.
Henry’s brownstone. DING-DONG! Henry answers the door and Hubs hauls off and decks him. YES! Thank you!
The apartment – Hubs and Juliet are waiting in the front lobby with their luggage. Juliet is sad and doesn’t want to go to the Hamptons. Hubs assures her they are still a team and they will get over this. OK – +10 parenting points for you, Hubs. Where has that been all season?
The limo arrives and the doorman/front desk guy opens the door for them. Just as they leave, Siobhan sneaks in the side door wearing an amazing panda-themed overcoat.
Hmm, which coat should I wear to break into the apartment? Oh perfect! This one that won’t draw any attention!
She heads straight upstairs and begins to pilfer the Siobhan Martin collection of jewels and shoes. She hears something and calls out, but gets no response. Just when she’s convinced that she’s safe, Macawi comes up behind her calling her “Bridget”. She yells “You’ve got the wrong girl!” Sound familiar? I love that they put that in.
Oh Siobhan – at least you wore your best S&M gloves
In the lobby, Bridget walks in while talking to Solomon. She sees the front desk dude laying in a pool of blood and yells “Macawi is here!”
Where the heck have you been all season?
Sidebar! RIP Mr. Front Desk/Door Man/Security Dude, but guess what? You
pretty much sucked at your job. If you had been a little more aware, a lot of this would have been avoided!
Bridg sees that the elevators have been disabled and takes to the stairs. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Don’t they live in the penthouse?
At least lose the heels -
Upstairs, Macawi is doing a full Michael Myers on Shiv. She hides on the Poodle Patio and he tries to knife her. He chases her out there and they both fall through the french doors.
OK – you guys, this part is PRETTY cool. Siobhan grabs a piece of the wood from the door frame and literally STAKES Macawi. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! Thanks for that you guys – it gave me the warm fuzzies.
Not the best shot, but that’s a staking
Bridg runs in just as Macawi has Siobhan in his grasp and shoots with that gun. Siobhan immediately takes off without Bridg getting a good look.
She calls out for Juliet, thinking it was her. As she walks past Macawi he Michael Myer’s it again and pops up. Girl, you were in several slasher films, don’t you know they ain’t dead til they’re dead?
He really is an attractive man, don’t you think?
Machado then busts in with the cavalry and distracts Macawi long enough for Bridg to shoot him in the head. OK! Well, that’s the end of that!
OK – one step too far RINGER! That picture is sacred!
At the hospital, Siobhan is creepily staring at her newborns. Her face is covered in cuts. The nurse wisely tells her that visiting hours are over. Siobhan turns on her best “I just hit myself in the face with a medicine cabinet” face and tells the nurse that she and her babies have nowhere to go.
The nurse takes a good look and says “I’ll see if I can find you a cot.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Next time someone gives me a pity party excuse, I’m going to tell them “I’ll see if I can find you a cot.”
You guys mind if I spend the night?
Once Miss Nurse goes away, Siobhan looks back at the she-devils and proclaims “I have to get my old life back.” OK, good on ya, Shiv!
So sad. That picture can say more with one eye anyone up in here
Solomon tells Bridg that he needs to show her something. Surveillance tape! Oh! Wha? It’s Siobhan being picked up by John DeLario at the Hamptons dock AFTER she “commited suicide”.
Who are you Shiv? Justin Timberlake circa 2006?
Henry’s brownstone – Knock-knock. Henry opens the door to a blond waif in a blue leather jacket. He says “C’mon Siobhan…” She says “It’s Bridget, bitch!” She didn’t really say “bitch”, but it sounded good to me so I threw it in.
He admits that Siobhan has been staying with him and that…bum, bum, bum…she planned the whole scheme to get Bridg to take over her life and be killed, in order to get back at her for the death of Sean.
Don’t go out like a punk, Bridg!
Please let us know your thoughts, comments, complaints about this episode and more importantly about the WHOLE season. Does RINGER deserve another season? Preach!
Thank you guys (all 10 of you) for sticking by me during this season of RINGER. It has been a haul. Look ma, I finished! XO -
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