RINGER – Let’s Scare Bridget To Death

LET’S KILL BRIDGET!  - Umm, ok???

Does anyone remember the movie Let’s Scare Jessica To Death? It came out in the 70’s, I do believe, and it was always on TV when I was growing up. It’s about a group of friends that turn on this girl and basically drive her crazy. Wow, that was a f’d up movie. RINGER could use a little of that crazy, but as was the case last week, the show continued to bring the story into focus and progress in a somewhat believable, entertaining way. In short (or long) – I liked it!

One of those movies you see 10 years too soon

This week begins with some in media res with some crazy ass wackitude. In the first three quick scenes, we see Henry being questioned for murder, Hubs and Mama making out, and finally Bridg seemingly dead on an icky mattress.

Henry in an attempt to appear intelligent!

Mama in an attempt to become a worse human being!

SMG in an attempt not to breathe and/or (spoiler alert!) blink!

Oh, RINGER, what hath thou wrought?

Flashback! 2 days ago Machado is questioning Bridg at Hubs at the apartment. He has the Tower tarot card and is asking if they have any info on it. “You see,” Machado says. “We traced this card back to a dry cleaners with ties to the mob.” BWAHAHAHAHA! How I wish Juliet was in the room for this exchange. You know she would have busted out some amazing one-liner like “What were they doing there? Money laundering?”

Machado tells them the Mobster’s “lieutenant” that was found dead had been following and watching Malcolm. He had addresses of Malc’s motel, Martin/Charles, AND the apartment. Luckily he didn’t pop in for a visit.

Hubs is not having it. He is PISSED. He asks Machado, “How many more people will be hurt because of your incompetence?” Ooo, that’s gotta sting a little bit due to his past with the pregnant stripper informant girlfriend and her untimely demise.

Machado quietly tells them he has arranged for a couple NYPD officers to watch the apartment and the office. I will say that I’m feeling a little bad for Machado about now. Especially considering who is REALLY to blame or all this nonsense. The Kelly twins!

After Machado leaves, Bridg steps up and defends Machado saying the person who’s really to blame is Bridget. Well, she’s half right.

Blame the split zygote, sweetie.

Henry and Siobhan are at his apartment. He is leaving a message for Grampa John M.D., asking why he hasn’t returned his calls. Umm, maybe because you had him invest A LOT of money into a scam company? And his daughter was kidnapped and murdered on your watch? Yeah, think that might have something to do with it

Siobhan, helpful as ever, reminds him how much they need that flash drive.

Who told this woman that see-thru shirts are appropriate MATERNITY WEAR?!?!

Henry gives another quick rundown of the plot (my gawd, how often do they have to go through these plot points? Do they really think there are any new people tuning in at this point? Or do they just think the audience is really fucking stupid? Discuss…) Henry tells Siobhan they need to cut their losses.

Siobhan admits that Tyler set up some dummy accounts for her and she has been stealing money from Martin/Charles. Wow, that company is SERIOUSLY screwed.  She’s embezzling money from a company running a Ponzi scheme? That is mighty fucked up.

Henry says whatever amount of money they have left has to be enough, cause they need to get out of Dodge.

Bridg and Juliet are having breakfast, while Hubs is trying to do damage control on the phone. He makes reference to his “accident” and Juliet says “You don’t have to be so Welsh, Daddy. You can say you got shot – it’ll give you street cred.” HA! She knows this since she goes to Public School. And she’s a perjuring extortionist/drunk driver/accomplice to attempted murder.

Hubs and Juliet take off for work and Public School, leaving Bridg alone. She makes a call, requesting to speak with Officer Jimmy Kemper. Remember him? The guy who told her to run from the Double Nickel Motel, planted the gun on her, was working with Macaway, and confessed to the stripper murder? Seems like a good person to call about now.  Yeah, sorry, he’s no longer working with the FBI. No doy…

Solomon comes to pick up Bridg. I guess that means no Malcolm this week. Waaa-waaaaa….

Bridg says this whole thing is her fault. Gemma would still be alive, Hubs would never have been shot etc. etc. She knows what she has to do – she’s going to testify.

Flashback! 11 months ago. Hmm, so is that 11 months, 2 weeks ago? Are we in a flashback of a flashback? What is this Lost? Dr. Who? Land of the Lost? Ding ding ding!!!

Full disclosure: I have friends who live in Pahrump.  They own the town dump.  True story!

Machado is questioning Bridg, who I must say is looking par-TIC-ularly cracked out and skankified. I think she actually picks bugs out of her hair at one point. Stunning.

Seriously, how much would THAT lap dance cost?  YIKES!

She’s refuses to answer his questions and tells him to spare her the recap. HAHA – wait a minute! Ok…it’s cool. I refuse to take that personally, Bridg. I know you’re in a bad space, with the bugs and all.

He finally goes to his sad Machado place and tells her she should do it for Shaylene. She always looked out for her. Finally, Bridg breaks, cries, and tells him she will do it – she’ll testify. And, once again, SMG kicks some emotional ass.

Machado is watching the Tarot card cleaners and sees an actual Tarot exchange go down.

KNEW we’d be seeing the death card!

He takes photos of the deal. So, was he the one photographing Mama and Juliet last week? Must be(?).

Machado jumps out of the car and approaches the Tarot giver, showing his badge, and asking if he can check out his suit. He searches the suit and then rips out the lining, revealing some phat cash hidden inside.

I guess someone got taken to the cleaners!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Baldy Tarot dude pulls a gun on him and Machado freaks the freak out. He beats the crap out of him, while a crowd gather and takes pictures. Ah, the joys of modern technology!

Yeah, check YouTube for Cop Gone Wild

Juliet arrives at Mama’s hotel room. Mama welcomes her back into her web, but Juliet tells her she’s only there because Hubs forced her to come – and she wants something. She tells her that Hubs is being forced to sell their place in Palm Springs. He is broke since they stole all of his money and she wants Mama to buy it from him. Mama says “Palm Springs is only for gays and old people.” Hey, wait a minute, Mama. I take offense to that. What about the old people that are also gay?

Juliet tells her Tobias Schect is looking to buy the property and Mama immediately perks up. Juliet tells her she knows she has her cut, Public Shrew’s cut, AND Teach’s cut – she can afford it. “Come up with a lie, you’re really good at that.”  Go ahead, Juliet!

THIS is how I like my Juliet

Henry has decided to relaunch his stalker career by waiting for Grampa John M.D. outside his building. Grampa tells him he’s been avoiding him on purpose. He went through the flash drive info and knows the company is a scam – and Grampa does not like to lose money. Henry asks what he’s going to do with the drive and he assures him he “will do what’s best.” Yeah, thinking that messing with Grampa’s money was not a good idea.

Henry, you have hit a new low.  You are being held back by the chauffeur.  C’mon!

Machado has been pulled into headquarters and is having a chat with his Patrick Bateman-like boss. It’s not going well. Boss is not happy. He should have stayed in Wyoming blah, blah, blah. This fight with the Tarot guy was not an isolated incident, hand over your badge and your gun.

I hear they’re remaking American Psycho – I’m sure you could play a victim

Aww, shiiiiiiit. Well, maybe now he’ll be able to get something done. He can be a vigilante!

Mama arrives at a bar to meet with “Toby” – Tobias Schrect. She gives him the impression that she and Hubs are still married and she is handling the sale of the Palm Springs property. He is interested in the purchase as a vacation house, but she calls bullshit. She knows he wants the land to harness the wind power. They want to set up turbines on the property and she “finds wind turbines very sexy.” She will obviously be going to town on Toby shortly to secure this deal. Little to no morals can be so entertaining, right?

Did someone say “turbines”?

Bridg shows up at a bar to meet with Machado. He tells her he can call him Vic, due to his suspension. Hey at least you weren’t fired, Vic! The FBI no longer believes the family is in any danger because Macaway’s lieutenant had been fired before he was murdered. Hmm, well that makes no logical sense. But OK!

Vic is getting loose tonight!

Bridg tells him she has an idea. She wants to testify against Macaway as Bridget. Meaning Bridget pretending to be Siobhan wants to now pretend to be Bridget. Wait a minute, wasn’t that the plot to “Victor, Victoria”?

I don’t think Bridg can pull off the cigar.  What am I saying?  Of course she can!

Machado, who apparently still has his wits about him, tells her this is a bad idea. Bridg tells him that her “sister’ told her about his connection to Shaylene.

Flashback! Wyoming – yep, it’s stripper time! (Didn’t we used to have a flashback drinking game? Feel free to reconvene if you so choose).

I have to assume that was the club wig kept behind the bar

Shaylene and Bridg are changing their pasties and discussing Macaway. Shaylene wants Bridget to stay away from him – he’s bad. And if things keep going well, she will introduce her to her new love – Vic Machado.  Again – poor Vic.

Hubs is at the apartment, leaving a message regarding the company business. Mama comes in, in “attempt to make him feel better.” Once again, building security is on the ball.

She has good news! Aunt Miriam croaked and left her everything. Jeez, i hope Aunt Miriam doesn’t see this.

After a little run around, she offers 3 million for the Palm Springs house. Hubs gives her a smirk and tells her it’s worth 3 times that at least.

The ex-es break out the scotch and proceed to get just a lil bit loaded. They are reliving the good old days in the house, specifically some experience with a tarantula. Sounds like a blast!

Oh, that potentially deadly arachnoid was the best, wasn’t it?

He tells her he will sell her the land if she makes a fair offer. How amazing would Palm Springs Ringer be, you guys? Old gay people and the twins? Hell yes! I get a producers credit, CW!

Bridg and Machado are still hanging at the bar. She gets up to go, but Machado stops her with a different idea. Uh-oh. Does she trust him? She somewhat unconvincingly says she does. Macaway will be a threat as long as he thinks Bridget is alive. “Let’s kill Bridget” he says. Dress her up to look like, um, her. Pretend she was killed in a flophouse buying drugs. I take back what I said about him still having his wits about him. Although as far as plans go in this show, it’s as good as any, I guess. Let’s do it!

Uh-oh, someone’s watching…

Siobhan is not a happy woman

Bridg wakes up at the apartment and comes out of her room. She hears something. Siobhan comes out of the shadows.

I put my hair up for the occasion

Siobhan asks how did she did it? In Tahoe she destroyed everything. Her life, her own life – but “when you became me you made it work.” Jeez, Shiv. You might want to look into some electric shock therapy. You need some extra strength help at this point.

She says she should forgive her, but she just can’t. She lifts up the gun and shoots. Annnnnd…

Cut back to her still looking in the glass. Oh Ringer – you f’ing bitch.

If I had a nickel for everytime this show jerked my chain…I’d have 85 cents

On the street, Mama is on the phone with her lawyer. The property is more than worth the 10 million, did they wire Hubs the money? OK, good, she’s going to meet Schect to close the deal.
She enters the bar and sees Toby – and she sees Hubs. Hubs screwed her after she screwed him.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had sex with everyone in the room?

Toby helped out because he owed Hubs a favor. Oh, and yes, she did offer her favors to Toby. Ew, dirty.

Juliet told him the whole story a week ago. He was mighty pissed at Jules, but one thing united them back together, how sick they both are of her.

Christmas card!

The land is worth much less than 10 mill, but she can recoup in the next couple…decades. HA!

Oh, and her days as a mother are over. Do not go near Juliet or he will strip her of her parental rights for good.

There is a knock at Henry’s door. It’s out old pal, Det. Towers! They have some questions about the murder of Tyler Barrett. Oh snap! Might be a little late to skip town, Hank!

Bridget and Machado show up at the tenement to stage the fake death. He says if he didn’t know better he’d think she was Bridg. She says you’d think we were twins or something – hee. Again, the humor is a good thing, Ringer writers!

Hmm, maybe we should start rooting for these two crazy kids to hook up?

Solomon calls asking if she’s still planning to testify. Hmm, suspicious? She says she isn’t testifying, she has a different plan. It involves corn syrup and food coloring.

We see a sniper setting up across the way, getting them in his cross hairs.

That’s some serious equipment.  Last time I saw something like that was on Toddlers n’ Tiaras

He then puts the rifle away, grabs a handgun out of his bag of tricks, and heads out. To get a little closer, I assume.

Cut to Henry being questioned. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, sorry. I just can’t with Henry anymore. Ugh. Henry tells him to call his lawyer, a friend of Gramps. Towers says, well, he might need to look into a public defender since Gramps is the one who turned him in. Oh, double snap!

The triumphant return of Det. Towers – and the continuing fall of adulterer/manslaughter-er Henry

Coroner calls Machado in the midst of their murder mock up, telling him that Macaway’s lieutenant actually died two weeks ago, before Hubs was shot. So there is another, separate hit man after her and in turn, everyone else.

Just then, the hitman from across the way busts in, shooting up the joint.

There must be a sale on those masks at Hit Men R Us

Machado hides and Bridg goes down. He sees her on the dirty mattress. The hit man approaches her – she looks dead, but then blinks. Just when he’s about to shoot again, Machado takes him out from behind.

Thank God you handed me that blood pack 30 seconds before that guy tried to murder me!

Machado takes the mask off and she tells him that its the guy who came after her a few months ago. Machado says “You, not Bridget?” Finally he tells her to cut the bullshit and tell him what is actually going the hell on. See, Vigilante Machado is kicking in!

He’s all out of chewing gum

The hit man’s phone rings and Machado answers it. It’s good old Mama. Not quite a tarantula, that one, more like a black widow.

This woman gets around – in just about every way

Well shucky shit, y’all. I liked that episode. I have forced out logic and have chosen to ignore all the false leads and promises. That’s what you gots to do when you do RINGER, folks.

What did you think?  Is Mama really the bad guy?  Somehow, I don’t think so…

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