Prelude to a Finale – “It’s Called Improvising, Bitch!”
Oh RINGER. You low down, dirty dog. You cruel, cruel mistress. When we began this tryst, I thought you were fun, different. Yes, you were a drama queen, but you could also be silly and weren’t afraid to laugh at yourself. But then things started going bad for us, didn’t they? The broken promises, the outright lies, the random people you tried to bring into our relationship. Your strip club fetish, your alley way/loft/hitman fetish, your bizarre (yet fascinating) fashion sense – it all became too much. At one point you just disappeared for over a month! I mean, who (errr…) does that? You do, RINGER, you do.
So yes, I was disenchanted, I was a little ashamed – and yet I stayed with you. Hoping…searching for the things that made us what we were. And then – things got better. And then – things got good again. And then – last night – oh, you did things to me last night… Let’s just say that last night, you were back in all your glory. You brought everything I fell for and more.
And now, I hear YOU want to break up with ME!?!? C’mon baby, let’s talk about this…please?
And we’re off…
The Apartment. Bridg has gone down in a flurry of tea and pills. Sounds like just another Friday night in West Hollywood! She stumbles into the other room, finds the hit man’s phone in Mama’s purse and realizes it has been Mama the whole time…Gee, the mentally unstable woman who devised a plan to steal all of Hubs’ cash? Whodathunkit?
Mama diligently writes out a suicide note and signing it: ”Siobhan”.
Mama is in front of the mirror – putting on her makeup and practicing her reaction to the wishful news of “Siobhan’s”/Bridg’s demise. Can we get Andrea Roth a Femmy Award for her performance? (The Femmy’s are the awards for TV that is ridiculous and beloved by homosexuals and the people that love them. Past winners include Donna Mills, Joan Collins, Linda Grey, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, and most recently Jessica Lange.)
Such FEMMY material!
Bridg is in the tub and slowly being submerged in water. Mama has a particular fascination with that bathtub.
I can’t really come up with anything…um, drugged girl in tub about to be killed – haha?
FLASHBACK! 8 months ago at a cocktail party in the apartment. Siobhan (real Siobhan) decides this is the perfect time to tell Mama that Hubs has decided to sell Mama’s Miami house. Mama is already 1 1/2 sheets to the wind so she doesn’t take kindly to the news. AH!! We’re now getting Mama’s motivation for all of these dastardly deeds.
Might be the best Siobhan’s character has looked as of yet
Shiv isn’t hearing Mama’s defense saying (amazingly) : “You’re never more than one disgusting sex act away from hooking up with a new sugar daddy.” Oh Shiv, you can bring it, can’t you?
Back to the apartment in the present – Mama sprinkles more pills outside of the tub. Didn’t we already sprinkle in the living room? Oh well, the more pills the more realistic (?).
FLASHBACK! To the same cocktail party and Mama is now 6 sheets to the wind and ready to continue her convo with Siobhan. Slight quibble – why is Mama there in the first place? Silly question, I know. Moving on! She’s now just found out that they are sending Juliet off to boarding school, without consulting Mama on the matter. Well, Mama, you did tell Jules last week that you never wanted her and willingly gave her over to Hubs and Shiv so can’t say you have much traction on that front. Mama says only she can make decisions involving Jules, but Shiv pulls the bitch out again by calling her a “a chemically dependent promiscuous part-time parent.” Yeah, um, this might have been the snapping point for Mama.
Iz it a’cause my half pony fell out, this is my 17th murtini, und I juzt woke up from a nap in your walk in clozet?
Back to the present – Mama is watching Bridg as the tub fills up and says “Who’s humiliating the family now?” Hate to break it to you, Mama, but it’s still you.
Yeah, HOMICIDE is not something anyone wants on their resume
Mama plugs the home phone back in and writes a notes saying she’s gone to therapy. If only…
Bridg’s phone rings in the bathroom as the tub continues to fill. It’s Machado! C’mon Machado, just get your ass over there!
Mama cruises out of the building, greeting the doorman, and waiting for a cab. As she rifles through her purse, she realizes that damn hit man cell phone isn’t there. She goes back up to find it.
Machado is on his way to the apartment, but in the garage the Feds pull up, flash the badge, and he’s going in. Damn Gina!
Oh Machado, does it hurt you to be SO ineffectual?
FLASHBACK! 5 and 1/2 months ago ( you gotta love the 1/2, right?). The nefarious dry cleaner hit man pimp calls Mama and tells her the attempt on Siobhan’s life didn’t take, in fact she was able to kill the guy (hit man #1, in the loft, with a gun. Looked like Borat). Mama is less than thrilled.
Mr. Dry Cleaner Tarot Card Dealer Hit Man Pimp – pretty hot, right?
Present day in the apartment, Mama is looking for that phone like a crackhead looking for a crack rock – or she might just be looking for a crack rock. The elevator dings – someone is home! Hubs cruises in, asking Mama if she’s seen Shiv/Bridg. Mama tells him Bridg went to fill her prescription (which is actually smart and would work with the whole pill suicide plan). Mama totally oversells herself by telling him she will give her a message and when Hubs wants to go change his tie, she volunteers to pick one out for him to keep him out of the bedroom.
Hubs calls Bridg’s phone and leaves a voicemail (OK, the phone just rang two minutes ago and we heard it, why wouldn’t they hear it ring now? More importantly why do I insist on pointing these things out???). In the message, he tells her that Grampa John M.D. offered a deal to save Martin/Charles.
Finally Hubs catches on to the fact that something is askew and runs into the bedroom to hear the tub running. He scolds Mama for breaking the rules by daring to take a bath in their room.
Meanwhile, a woman continues to drown in the next room
Mama keeps up the diminutive act until smart guy Hubs sees the water pouring out from the bathroom. All over the wood floors! Mm-hmm, I saw a case on Judge Judy the other day about water damage on wood floors – and that’s no joke.
There are cheaper ways to kill your ex-husband’s new wife’s twin sister, Mama
Hubs storms the bathroom, pulls Bridg out of the tub, gives her the mouth to mouth, and she is revived! Hallelujah!
Buzzkill Mama pulls a gun on them.
How positively, undeniably AMAZING is this picture? Pretty much sums it up, right?
Henry’s brownstone – he’s on the phone. His petition for supervised visits with Becks and Dash (hold on, I gotta take a minute – HAHAHAHAHAHAH!) was denied. The ever innocent, belly rubbing Siobhan tells him it will all be over soon. Um, yeah, in about a week, lady.
Thank God that Henry has gotten his hair situation together
Henry says the only evidence against him is from the maid, but warns Siobhan not to do anything. Good luck with that, Hank. I mean, I don’t advocate chaining people to the radiator in most cases, but you might want to look into manacles, Henry.
In the apartment, Mama has begun to spiral. She prints out boarding passes for herself and Hubs for Cancun. Arriba! She wants to say that she and Hubs were going to run away together when Shiv/Bridg found them – then Shiv killed Hubs, wounded Mama, and killed herself. O…K…Mama is a special kind of crazy, right?
Bridg begs Mama to not let Juliet find this scene in effect, but Mama assures them she has sent her all over town on errands all day. She then calls Jules and throws in some extra errands to ensure she won’t be back soon. Don’t you know Juliet doesn’t take well to orders, Mama?
OK, this is my weekly fawning over Juliet moment – you know she knows something’s up! That juvenile delinquent is smart!
Crafty Siobhan shows up in some sketchy guy’s place lighted only by the clip-on light I had on my desk when I was 9 years old. She wants 3 fake passports that actually look fake.
And I want the wattage of the blue light you’re using – it’s like magic!
And you’re going to pay someone for that? I made a hell of a lot of fake looking passports in college and didn’t make jack shit for money. Just kidding, that wasn’t me – it was my strange freshman roommate who had Milwaukee’s Best posters all over our room.
FBI headquarters (I think) Slick Dick American Psycho tells Machado they took him in for breaking into the 2nd hit man’s house. They are sending him back to Wyoming (the land of strip clubs) and if he doesn’t arrive on his designated flight, he will be arrested. HUH? He’s already been arrested. OK, whatever. So they give him a plane ticket and let him go. (?)
Back at the apartment, Mama is making them pack for a tropical vacay in Cancun. And she throws out the episode title “It’s called improvising, bitch!” And she scolds them for only packing sweaters. “Swimsuits! Swimsuits!” HAHAHAHAHAHA! (BTW – didn’t Bridg give Juliet the same scolding a couple weeks ago?)
Apparently neither Hubs nor Bridg are quite in swimsuit shape
The home phone rings. Oh well NOW the front desk is on the ball! Well, yeah, it is a good time for them to be conscious, but where the hell have they been the whole season?
So happy to see Truman Capote has been reincarnated – as the Martin’s mostly absent front desk man
Front desk dude tells Hubs the Feds are there and he’s sending them up.
Whoever casts this show has done a great job of finding the most corporate, unexciting, sterile federal employees ever
In the living room, Hubs is talking to the agents, telling them that Mama went to the airport for her flight to Cancun. The Feds insist on calling Bridg’s phone, which apparently is on vibrate at this point because she is right around the corner with Mama’s gun in her side.
MIRROR alert – drink!
They lightly grill Bridg who awesomely shuts down the interrogation by telling them she’s at Pilates. HAHAHAHA! I have to remember that next time a bill collector or federal agent calls: “I’m at Pilates!”
Hubs tries to pass a note to the Feds before they leave, but he gives up. Mama’s has seen his daring-do behavior and is not happy. Hubs doesn’t go down without a fight, Mama!
OK – have to qualify this whole next section by saying it was one of the most amazing, ridiculous, hilarious, upsetting, surreal, potentially damaging scenes that I’ve ever seen on TV. And that includes American Horror Story and Small Wonder.
Siobhan knocks on a door and the maid answers – in her scanties. So – the maid is a high class hooker with a kick ass apartment full of fancy statues (shocker). Siobhan pulls out the 3 fake passports and tells Oksana (remember, she’s a Russkie so she has to be named Oksana) that she will report her to her case agent and have her green card revoked if she dosen’t redact her testimony against Henry. OK, should I really dive into this?
Vhat? I vuz tuld in dee USA, all da ladeez come to door in underverz
*I have many Russian friends and I enjoy vodka regularly.
1) Why is a high class hooker who obviously makes a ton of cash giving it up – work as a maid? As a way to have a legit job for her paperwork?
2) Why would a high class hooker volunteer testimony to the police, putting herself in danger of scrutiny?
3) Would she really answer the door in the bra and panties ensemble without making sure she knew who was knocking?
I have to love and respect (oh, and traumatized – that too) by this whole scenario though, so let’s move on!
Siobhan throws this at Oksana: “I bet you’ll be back in Leningrad for Tatiana Day.” Now I don’t know what Tatiana Day is, but I have a feeling it doesn’t involve a fancy apartment, matching bra and panties with complimentary silk robe, statues, nor eye shadow. Oksana has the sadz.
I love that the actress playing Oksana is going for “indignant” in this scene. It’s like gurl – check yo’self, cause you already wrecked yo’self
Back at the apartment – Juliet arrives home. Whoops! Not enough errands, Mama! She sees the present drama and ain’t so impressed with Mama. Bridg and Hubs are duct taped, while Juliet tells Mama she be crazy and shit.
Mama goes to hug her, but Juliet says “Don’t touch me!” She crosses the hypothetical Mason-Dixon line and joins the hostages on their side of the room. Obviously, Juliet has made her choice.
This would Mama’s 2nd psychotic break
Mama is completely at a loss. She is really going down hill.
If that’s not FEMMY material, I don’t know what is
Once again, I have to give props to Andrea Roth – I mean she has actually made this whole gradual breakdown somewhat believable and sympathetic – to some degree. But just in case we were bored with the current level of crazy, let’s pull out the phone, shall we? “Baby it’s me, you have to help me!”
Look at Juliet – still acting the shit out of this scene
Who’s on the other line? Dragon Lady Olivia. Cannot say I saw this coming. Did you?
She’s shocked! Shocked, she says!
Mama has switched into panic, pathetic mode – saying “I did it for you and me,” while Dragon Lady shuts her down, telling her she’s nuts and she’s not going to go down for her (well, not anymore – HAHAHAHAAH!).
Machado is back at his hotel. Skeezy American Psycho FBI chief calls and tells him the apartment is secure and that Mama is on her way to the airport where they will arrest her.
FLASHBACK! 6 weeks ago. Remember when Hubs threw Mama out of the apartment the first time? Well, we pick up there when she shows up at Dragon Lady’s apartment looking for…well, we know what she eventually finds, amirite?
Conveniently, Dragon Lady has become somewhat butch
The two somewhat rejected, definitely spiteful ladies, chat over 8 bottles of wine. Interesting to note that Dragon Lady is wearing a wife beater and has suddenly become a lipstick lesbian. They go back and forth on how men suck and even though Mama claimed to have never been attracted to women, they get down. Kinda hot, but wish Mama seemed more into it and not just a mess.
Mama – you’re getting love from a hottie with a glass of wine at the ready – what more could you ask for?
Back in the present, in the apartment Juliet is freaking out “You mean they’re GIRLFRIEND, girlfriends?!” Yes, honey. Never underestimate the power of the pussy.
Yes GIRLFRIEND girlfriends, gurlfriend
Mama and DL are still fighting on the phone. Mama says “You want drama, I will give you drama.” Aw, shit. Not really what you want to hear from Mama about now.
When Mama goes into the other room, Bridg tells Juliet to grab the cell phone under the chair. They call Machado’s number and give a blatant rundown of what is going on and where they are.
And he’s out the door!
They also get nutty nut nuts Mama to give up the location of the Dragon Lady – which is Mama’s sister’s rental property. What, like a condo in South Beach? A cabin in the Poconos? Rental property? Who says that?
FLASHBACK! 4 weeks ago – Mama and Dragon Lady are between the sheets. Aw yeah, aw yeah! At least someone on this show looks sexually satisfied!
Dragon Lady is high fiving heaven for turning another one. I mean, I’d go there, wouldn’t you?
Dragon Lady tells Mama about the Ponzi scheme and in turn, Mama tells Dragon Lady about hiring the hit man to take out Siobhan (Bridg) in the loft (the first time). Mama is feeling a bit guilty about HIRING SOMEONE TO HAVE SOMEONE KILLED, but Dragon Lady assures Mama that the only thing she did wrong was to lose the hit man’s cell phone. Oh, ok.
Back at the maid’s high end brothel, Oksana says she can’t change her story. It’s too late. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Oksana realizes it’s her next client and proceeds to shove Siobhan into a closet. With Siobhan in the closet, she answers the door and lets in Pacey’s cop brother from Dawson’s Creek who is now a sketchy john having sex with a high-class hooker/maid. Last time we saw you, you had settled down with Jack. What went so wrong?
You were better off with Jack
Once Officer PaceBro gets Oksana on the bed in full view of Siobhan’s closet perspective, he pulls out a, well – I can’t really call it a baggie, it’s more like a Hefty Freezer Storage bag – of coke.
Oksana, somewhat reluctantly, does the drugs. This is the hilarious, yet kinda upsetting part.
For once, Siobhan really does convey the emotion of the audience – meaning “WTF!!!???”
Siobhan, whether it be due to horrification, mortification or closetification – goes into labor. While stuck in the closet in a high class hooker/maid’s apartment while she does lines and fucks her client. Yeah – that happened.
How the mighty have fallen
She’s doing her deep breathing. Apparently someone found time for her Lamaze classes at the Y! The two “lovers” come up for air and she is covered in sweat, not looking too good. All of a sudden Oksana falls out and PaceBro freaks out. He sees blood pouring out of both her nostrils and she’s pretty much dead. PaceBro loses it, grabs his mirror and industrial size bag, and takes off.
Siobhan escapes the building and hails a cab. “Get me to a hospital! I’m in labor!” She’s obviously carrying her Labor Birkin.
I hope she has a change of underwear in that bag
Back at the apartment, Mama is in full freakazoid, desperation mode. She is leaving messages for Dragon Lady over and over. The FBI is watching the airports and train stations. She doesn’t know what to do!
Hubs grabs a rock or crystal or something and hides it on his hands. He says they have to act now! Aw, poor Hubs doesn’t realize he was neutered 3 episodes ago. And yet he tries again. He stands up and says he wants to make a deal. Take him in the other room and they can chat.
Are we sure that’s not an old piece of crumb cake?
The phone rings. It’s the Dragon Lady. She says she’s sorry to Mama. She loves her and wants her to come to her right away. Mama goes for it and says she’ll be there right away.
FLASHBACK! Dragon Lady in the limo right after Tyler was killed and the flash drive was recovered. DL was talking to Mama. Mama promises she will work it out. Mama is almost admirable at this point. She’s defending herself and protecting her woman! And she loves an animal print!
Back at the apartment, Mama volunteers that she is going to kill Siobhan. Quick question – considering she’s about to be shot by an ex-wife looking for revenge against her SISTER, wouldn’t now be a good time to spill the beans and tell them she isn’t Siobhan? Discuss.
Juliet tells Mama to get out and Bridg volunteers to go a her hostage, so she can get through any roadblocks or checkpoints (or something?). Mama then proves she hasn’t completely lost it by pointing out Hubs’ pathetic paper weight he’s been cupping in his duct taped hands.
Yeah, there was A LOT this this episode
Mama ends her phone call with Dragon Lady who hangs up the phone with tears in her eyes. Machado steps out of the shadows. He has set the trap for Mama and the Dragon Lady knows it. Awww. Mama says she will see her soon.
Hospital – Siobhan is brought in on a stretcher through those famous double doors. Henry comes running in behind them. She’s having an emergency c-section.
At Mama’s sister’s “rental property”, Dragon Lady tells Machado that he must not know Catherine “Mama” Martin very well, cause she knows Mama is about to throw down.
*NOTE – Has anyone noticed all 3 women are dressed exactly the same – Black riding boots and black leggings (modified riding pants?) with a different color scheme on top? Wonder what the motivation behind that choice was?*
Mama brings Bridg up the path of the rental property which is in fact a palatial estate somewhere in Hancock Park, I would think. Dragon Lady meets them at the door. Machado shows himself and grabs Dragon Lady to show he means business.
Mama really is working her best casual, small talk attitude right here
At this point, I swear I heard Mama yell “Unhand her!” which could have been wishful thinking, but I choose to believe that it happened. How amazing is that? Another reason to love crack ass, nutsy, murdering slutbag Mama! Seriously, I love her.
“Unhand her!” If only she came rushing in with a rapier and slapped Machado in the face with a glove
Bridg tackles Mama inside the house and Bridg gets the gun. Mama tries to run out the back door, but Bridg tells her to stop – she means it! Mama dares Bridg, saying she doesn’t have the courage to shoot her. Maybe she doesn’t, but our latent, wannabe hero Machado does! He steps in and cuffs Mama.
Oh, so NOW you’re going to step up and do what you’ve been trained for? Cheers, thanks a lot.
At the hospital, Henry gets a text from his lawyer:
You’d think he would remember the name Barbara Bentley without having to modify her profile as his “ATTORNEY”
He goes into the recovery room to see Siobhan. The birth was successful – two baby girls. Oh. Twin girls. That bodes well.
Henry asks if she knows anything about the demise of the Oksana. She manages to ignore her epidural and lie, telling him she had nothing to do with it. She’s crafty!
So either the stripper wig has been tamed or she brought her curlers to Oksana’s place earlier
The doctor calls for Henry from the hallway. He goes out and tells her he wants a paternity test. Has Henry finally gotten a clue? Yeah, I don’t think so either.
Back at the rental property, Bridg tells Machado that she’s sorry she couldn’t shoot. And then Mama, just to get her last licks in, yells at Bridg: “Who’s life is so pathetic they need to take someone else’s to be happy?”
Did the craziest bitch in the world just call me out without even knowing it? Oh shit, that might be a red flag.
True dat, Mama. True dat.
So there you have it, people. I mean…prostitution, industrial size bags of drugs, attempted homicide via bathtub, wood floor damage, scanties, Dawson’s Creek Alumni, lesbianism, double bloody nose leading to death…how can this show not be renewed?
Next week is potentially our last RINGER recap. Thoughts?
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