RINGER – Premiere Recap

****Foggywood started recapping Ringer a bit late in the season earlier this week, but some of you asked for a premiere recap. Here it is!

I love me some Sarah Michelle Gellar. Yes, she was Buffy and I loved that show (at least the first 4 years – before the annoying sister Cousin Oliver’d it), but more than that, she’s always carried herself really well. She made some turrible movies, married a celebrity (he counts, right?), had a baby – blah, blah – but instead of being trashy like all the other fameballs she stayed out of the tabloids and just took care of her bizness. I appreciate that. So now that the movie thing is, um, OVER (I blame the movie where she was a witch/chef putting spells in her recipes – that was a thing, right?) she’s back on teevee and I think she’s due for a comeback, just like Valerie Cherish! Except much MUCH better – we hope.

Not even Robert Palmer saw this movie

RINGER – (I always hear dramatic music after that so fill that in at your own discretion. It will help get you in the mood of the show. BUM-bum-BUM!!! Like that…) NYC.

There are scary roof statues – not gargoyles, but they are probably in the same family, soo – scary! Awww shit! SMG is hiding behind a column in a loft. The space is being refurbished so there’s scary plastic and stuff everywhere. There’s a man in a mask with a crowbar (notch) looking for her (?).

Look familiar?

She hides under some of the plastic and seems to be a-ok until Patsy Cline fucks everything up. She hits the boombox next to her and I Fall to Pieces starts playing loudly. Now I hang out at a lot of construction sites and I can testify that Patsy Cline is a HUGE fave in the construction worker community. They just love Patsy! So Crowbar finds her, throws her down, and she yells “you have the wrong girl!” Ugh, don’t they always?

Flash to Wyoming – Oh God, its one of those shows… So here we are at some Anonymous meeting – the addiction kind, not the Guy Fawkes kind. What a buzzkill. Kinda sucks considering I just freshened up my drink. Thanks show – you’re just like Mom! So SMG is testifying (that’s right, right?) and her name is Bridget and she’s an addict. She has a very friendly, tall, dark, and handsome dude next to her and he smiles at her reassuringly. Is he cruising her at a meeting? 12 step love – unethical yet adorable.

Beats the Craigslist personals, that’s for sure

And now the Lost guy who was the Latin stereotype on Suddenly Susan and played a fake LA Mayor Villaraigosa in The Dark Knight is here. He’s kinda slumming it, huh? Both in Wyoming AND on this show. He asks Bridg if Mr. Studly is her BF or sponsor and she wavers before deciding on “sponsor”. Why do I get a Will from Alias vibe from this whole setup?

Oh Nestor, how we’ve missed you.

Bridg and Lostie head out to the car together. You guys, that is so sweet! Damn. I want a guy wearing a tie and heavy eye makeup to pick ME up from MY twelve step program! Lucky…

They arrive at the Double Nickel Motel. So the 10 cent Motel? Fancy.

You guys, I think I’ve been there

Bridg heads into her room and it becomes clear what the deal is here. Lostie is a cop. Bridg is a witness in a “stripper murder trial” (the best kind). She is at the high high security Double Nickel Motel being guarded by a guy who is passed out in a chair sitting outside her door. I can’t imagine this going bad, can you?

Sure enough, the next day Lostie comes to pick up Bridg for the trial and – bum, BUM, bum – the door is ajar! And the super security guy is tied up in the shower with a big ol’ head wound. That Bridg, she’s a pistol!

2 days later – East Hampton SMG is sitting in a diner, but (spoiler alert!) its not Bridget, its Siobhan – the twin sister. We know she is the twin because her hair is up, she’s wearing a white trench, and she has oversize sunglasses. Classic twin outfit.

Glamour Twin.  But more importantly, where is this bar b/c apparently they have free beer!

A cop walks in and she nervously gets up to make a quick exit. The cop does the “Hey Miss”, she stops, and…she just left her wallet! Silly (potentially evil) twin!

Outside, she hugs someone who just got off a bus – and its…our favorite fugitive, Bridget! Its just like Sister Sister except Tia and Tamara are now an addict/stripper and a frigid, rich bitch.

Sis and sis head over to Siobhan’s weekend place on the beach which is, of course – sterile, cold, and immaculate – just like Siobhan. I really hope Kelly Bensimon and the Countess stop by – they would just LOVE Bridget!

Did Santa bring a stripper with my satchels of gold?

Symbolism Alert! Siobhan is in her walk in closet or vanity area or sex room or whatever and there are mirrors everywhere. As she’s looking at herself in the mirror, Bridg comes in and they have a conversation while staring at each other in the mirror. Meaningfully. Oh my God! Do you guys get it? Its SUPER deep. Sorry Bridg, but I need more vodka.

Nice shirt Bridg.

Bridg apologizes to Siobhan about Sean(?). Siobhan has forgiven her, but now she needs to forgive herself. Whoa, somebody watches Dr. Phil. So Sean is either Siobhan’s high school boyfriend that Bridget slept with while pretending to be her sister OR, um, someone else. OK, I’m going with the former.

Back in Wyoming, Studly Sponsor reads a newspaper about the Mobster Stripper Murderer who’s been freed since Bridg bailed. Studly! You in danger girl!

And boom, back to the Hamptons! The twins are boating. Yes, its cold. Yes, a nice cup of tea and a good old fashioned heart to heart would be more appropriate, but it reminds the girls of Tahoe! I’m guessing they grew up there? Whatever! Ok, spoiler alert, but this whole section makes no sense and is just weird. Looks weird, feels weird. BTW – if you look into the reflection of Siobhan’s sunglasses, you can see she’s definitely NOT talking to her twin sister. Technicality, but that’s my job!

Who are you talking to and why are you in Heaven?

Bridg is driving the boat and Siobhan asks her if she’s still a stripper. Listen Snotty, just be happy she’s not a murdered stripper – unless… All of a sudden the boat is drifting and Bridget is waking up from a nap (totally normal – whaaa?). Siobhan is nowhere to be found. She sees a pill bottle on the floor and finds Siobhan’s fat wedding ring inside. She tries to radio for help, but there’s no signal. She sees Siobhan’s scarf floating in the water and dives in. She comes to the surface. No Siobhan. Waa-waaaa… Girl, you been suicide-ded!

OK, I now pause for a deep breath.

NYC – Limo pulls up to a “Park Ave.” high rise (think Green Acres before they went to that godforsaken farm) and Siobhan steps out – Siobhan or Sio-faux-n? The elevator opens to Siobhan’s apartment and we see a huge B & W photo of the lady of the manor. It looks like one of those porny Brooke Shields pictures from the early 80’s she took when she was 12. Scavullo – Pretty Baby era. Kinda creepy.

Are you smizing?

While Sio-faux-n (Bridg) is checking the pad out, the “husband” comes home who is Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic 4. Now I know he’s done lots of other things but MOST importantly, last year I was flying out of the Burbank Airport and Mr. F (aww, MR. F!) and Matthew Rhys (the gay brother from Brothers and Sisters) were together behind me on my way through security. I’m sure they were just together on business, but you never kno-ow…Anyway, that’s how I know the Hubs.

Back to RINGER! Bridg greets Hubs with a kiss which freaks him out. Bad sign Bridg. He asks her if she lost weight. HA! No, Hubs, she’s just a crackhead! They all look like that. Freaking out, she does something super duper stupid and calls Studly Sponsor. Leave him be Bridg – he just wants to sponsor people in Wyoming – he’s doing God’s work. Don’t bring him into this nonsense. On the balcony, while speaking to Studly, she sees a dude chilling in the middle of the street (as people are wont to do in Manhattan) staring up at her. She’s scared and runs inside. Oh Bridg – you are the antithesis of cool. Anti-cool? Non-Fonzi? Whatevs, but get with the program, girl. We’re supposed to like you, I think (?).

Through the course of her convo with Studly we get a flashback. Bridg is back in the Hamptons house, post boating – she’s wet, cold, plaid, and shivering. Not cute. She sees Siobhan’s (her supposed DEAD sister’s) wallet with her ID conveniently hanging out. I can hear her defense right now “But officer, my sister’s wallet was open and her ID was just staring at me! Its like it wanted me to assume my dead sister’s identity!” She goes back to the bus station, puts her clothes into a locker, and proceeds to pull the gun out of the locker in front of everyone before closing the locker door. Oh Bridg, its that kind of thinking that led you to that strip club in Wyoming. Bless her.

Next, what we’ve all been waiting for! The transformation from B to S (make your own joke there). Bridg shows she’s got some smarts by…putting up her hair! And you know what? It is perfect! She IS Siobhan! No prob, slob. So back to present evening – Bridg stashes the glock in a scarf drawer and decides to avoid further Hub contact by going to sleep immediately, while fully dressed. Yeah, that’s not skanky or strippery at all Bridg.

Phone ringing wakes Stripperela up and she hears “Where the hell you at? You’re working the early bird shift. This pole ain’t gonna dance itself!” J/K! That’s old Bridg. New Bridg hears “Where are you girlfriend? Its me! Your BFF! Totes! 4 realz! Luv U! Check your Hermes appointment book, fool!” Uh-oh, Sio-faux-n was supposed to meet her BFF half hour ago. She’ll be there in another half hour. Umm, what? Does BFF have no life? No where else to be? An hour wasted? I have a feeling BFF is cooking the books. Actually, I hope BFF is cooking the books.

So here we are back again at the refurbish-ing loft. Bridg walks in and BFF (cute, Pucci’d, but not Siobhan level hot obvs) escorts her around and explains what her newest acquisition will look like once the fixtures are in. BFF confesses that she thinks her husband is having an affair. BFF runs through the rolodex of potential sluts/stereotypes (“trainer – lesbian”) and gives up. Who knows who he’s sleeping with! Oh well.

You guys the BFF IS Blossom, right? Talk amongst yourselves. Blossom on Earth 2 plays the BFF on Ringer.

So glad you kept your sense of fashion, Blossom!

BFF wants to party tonight but, sorry, Bridg will not be doing body shots with you because (as you conveniently remind her) she has a charity event. So there. I love the way its always a “charity” event. Honey, everyone I know that donates to charity events ALWAYS makes sure to drop the name of said charity event in every conversation/moment possible. Siobhan’s charity was “Mirrored Sex Rooms For the Homeless”. We all know it.

The homeless deserve mirrors too!

We are now at the American Museum of Natural History with that big ole whale getting in the way as usual. God, Mr. Whale! Can’t you ever just sleep over at a friend’s place? Jeez!

Hi Mr. Whale!  Do you get residuals?

So Bridg and Hub are having fun. Listening to music, smiling at each other, reveling in the fact they’ve crossed every moral, religious, and state law. Such bliss! Uh- oh – Bridg sees the same guy from the balcony/street staring at her again from the back of the room. Is Siobhan’s stalker really about to ruin this moment of domestic bliss? Yes, yes he is. Hubs goes for a (non-alcoholic) drink, while Bridg decides to do THAT thing – the one where the girl runs through the empty area of a previously populated place. She’s just lucky Ghostface was needed at a Party City opening in Reseda that night.

Not this time, bitch.  I’m wearing couture!

Stalker stalks, as our heroine (?) shuffles through the museum in her formal gown (“is it too much?” – um, yeah, it is. You look like a child in that gown. SMG – carbs survived the HellMouth, I promise! Oh, and check out her magnified, bulbous up-do. Did you find Giovanni’s number in that orange book?). Is the size of her gown a comment on her crackheaded-ness? Who the fuck knows at this point.

Seriously, honey.  I have the number of a good tailor

And out of nowhere Stalker grabs B and kisses her. Escandalo! The stalker is Henry – the BFF’s husband! Aww, shit! Siobhan is a slut too. I feel so much better. BTW – if Henry wanted to lay low in this particular FORMAL situation, he might have wanted to shave. Just a tip for you, Skuzzy.

You’re not on Entourage, fool!

So Bridg and Hubby are home now and B tries to get it on, but Hubs no likey – he likes the attention but he does not trust her. Go with that instinct, Hubs.

In despair Bridg (Fakey, Sio-faux-n, etc) decides to go through her “dead” sister’s jewelry where she finds a pic of Siobhan and Sean . And Sean is a lil’ cutie boy. Oh hell – Bridg somehow got fucked up and that led to Sean’s early death. Oh jeez. Don’t know fo’ sho’ but that’s what I gather.

Bridg does good and goes to a AA (NA? OA? CarbA?) meeting in Brooklyn where she tells her peeps that she “feels dirty”. No, really? I wonder why?

The elevator doors open and Bridg step out. Bridg hears giddy, happy sexy noises. Definitely not the sex noises she’s accustomed to. She discovers her tramp of a stepdaughter, Juliet – with a random shirtless hunk who happens to be blindfolded. Bridg yells “Is that my scarf?”. HA! Best line of the night. Seriously, that’s Chanel!

Oh hi Mom, he’s just helping me with my homework!

Oh, she was just freaking out because she thought Slutty might have seen the gun stored in the scarf drawer. But thank god, the gun is still safe. The phone rings and Slutty buzzes someone up for Siobhan – its Lostie. He’s tracked the fugitive’s “sister” down and he needs some answers, dammit! They go to a somewhat romantic park bench to discuss. Lostie drops the bomb that Bridg had been arrested for drugs and prostitution and was supposed to testify in the mob case to dismiss the charges. So now Mob Stripper Murderer is free because Bridg took off. Nice work, Bridg!

And guess what? Mob Stripper Murderer is now going after Studly Sponsor! Sorry Bridg, but you kinda suck.

Bridg goes over to the new loft at 11 pm to stash the gun and the BFF shows up there too. WTF? What are these women doing? I kind of like the Mayim Bialik/BFF though. Dear writers, I suggest that in the next episode Bridg comes clean with BFF, tells her Siobhan was fucking her husband, and gets BFF on her side. BFF can be the new Willow! Now go re-shoot. Go!

Bridg now goes to meet Henry. She walks in saying “I’m not going to sleep with you!” She’s all business that Bridg. She tells Henry (“Henry”? Really, writers? Henry?) that BFF is on to him (them) and this has got to stop. But Henry isn’t going quietly. This could be a(nother) problem Bridg.

We find out that StepSlutty has been busted for the 3rd time (?!) and she can’t stay there because Siobhan hates her, but she can’t stay with Mom because she hates her too. Gosh, Slutty, you might be worse than Bridg! The phone rings and its Dr. Bob. Siobhan missed her appointment. Bridg, did you not hear BFF when she told you to look in the orange book? Anyway, you’z pregnant, girl! Of course Hubs walks in right when she says (as people do) “I’m pregnant?” Erm, mazel tov?

Bridg, Hubs, BFF, and Henry go to dinner where Bridg announces she’s with child. Now she’s super fucked because she can’t drink now even if she wanted to. Yep, THAT is xtra fucked. The good news is that Bridg has a new hairdo. Its pre-Raphaelite crack ho. Very chic.

You could use a weekend in the Hamptons, girl

So Hubs and BFF go to the bar to get drunk, leaving Bridg and Henry. Henry claims the baby must be his because she rarely bones Hubs and demands she choose between him or Hubs. Bridg chooses Hubs and heads to the bar. It would be so awesome if she marched straight to the bar and screamed “Patron! Pronto! And keep em comin’!” But she doesn’t…sigh.

Bridg is now back at home and she’s chatting with Hubs. Turns out Slutty has been expelled from boarding school for the 3rd (wow! uh, good job? kinda?) time. Hubs pulls out a vial full of white powder (with a bumper cause Slutty doesn’t mess around with keys).

She can’t be that bad.  Its full!

Coke? K? Ajax? Its not specified but we know its bad from the Gollum look in Bridg’s eyes. “My precious…”

I smell Emmy!

Bridg snaps out of it and tells Hubs that Slutty can’t stay there. Aw, she’s worried about her sobriety! How quaint. Listen, Bridg I’d be all over that shit if I were you. Call Pink Dot and have a party because at this point you don’t have much to lose.

We go back to the Hamptons bus station (its very fancy) and Lostie is told that some kids broke into Bridg’s locker and found her trashy flannel. Uh-oh, Lostie has a lead. Thank God.

Back at the manse BFF calls Bridg saying “I know who’s sleeping with Henry. Meet me at the loft.” So Bridg heads to the loft in the middle of the night (?) to meet BFF. And guess what? We’re back to the beginning of the show with the masked man and the crowbar and Patsy is Falling to Pieces and all that nonsense. Bridg repeats the immortal line “You have the wrong girl!” and proceeds to kick the moo right in his masked face. Go ‘head Buffy!

He tackles her and they fall through a wall (as one does ?!) where Bridg happens upon the gun she stashed there a few scenes ago. Bridg is pretty lucky when she needs to be, I have to admit. She proceeds to shoot the mofo and in Buffy tradition, she checks his pockets. She pulls a glossy of Siobhan and realizes he wasn’t after her (Bridg), he was actually after the real Siobhan. Awww shit! So different people want both sisters dead. Right? Or something? I bet their parents were divorced!

We jump to Paris. The phone rings and the real Siobhan (please stand up! please stand up!) answers it. She hears “We have a problem” and she immediately hangs up. WTF Siobhan? Maybe that’s why you’re so fucked right now.

Girl, nice dress, but you need to work on your phone etiquette

You don’t hang up when someone tells you “there’s a problem”.  UGH!

So that’s it you guys. Did you guys like it? Did you understand this mess? I hope so. The show was a wreck and was EVERYWHERE but it could and hope it will work. For Freddy and the baby let’s hope they figure this shit out! None of us want another Scooby Doo movie.

Thanks for reading!