RINGER Recap – And So It Begins…

I’m not sure if I have developed a slight case of Stockholm’s Syndrome, but I admit I was looking forward to this show all week.  It may be a little strange to say about such a ridonk melodrama, but I find the show somehow endearing.  (I know, right?)  It may not get everything right, but it seems everyone is giving it all they have – and in the end its works.  Its like Alias meets Dynasty meets Intervention.  If you are going to be a crazypants show, you better commit.  And SMG and company commit to the crazypants!  We love the crazypants.

 

Yup, that’s some crazypants

 

Case in point – this week’s episode is titled “A Whole New Kind of Bitch”.  Perfect! Yes please, I have been looking ALL OVER for a new kind of bitch.  You saved me a trip to the Valley.

THIS is the attitude we need for this show!

 

NYC – Bridg, Hubs,  and Henry are headed back from another tranquil, healing weekend birthday in the Hamptons.

 

Happy Bday!

 

Bridg is trying to get Gemma (my Blossom twin – who I don’t think is actually her you guys!  She just looks like her – right?) on the phone but she doesn’t answer.

We flashback to the epic slap fight.  Blossom  doesn’t believe Bridget’s story and calls her the “gold standard” of liars.  Gold IS doing really well right now in this market Bridg, so kind of a compliment?

 

Could be a lot worse, Bridg

 

 

Hubs and Bridg are in the elevator and Bridg is looking tore up.  The doors open to the Tyra-esque picture of Siobhan – now with the word “WHORE” scrawled across it.  HA! Very Butterfield 8.  Oh, its ON!

 

I kinda like it

 

They hear a noise and Hubs starts looking thru the apt.  In the living room, he finds a random blonde chick passed out on the couch.  We’ll call her Trampy.

 

Hi, Tramps.

 

The place is trashed.  They had a full on party complete with red and blue cups.  Somebody went to Costco!  Trashy.  Trampy just points to the other couch and guess who’s there passed out?  Slutty Stepdaughter!

Wake up!  The keg is empty!

 

Slutskie is supposed to be staying with Mom but couldn’t resist throwing a party while the ‘rents were away.  Oh, you guys, high school was so much fun, right?

Slutcase immediately berates Bridg, although she hasn’t really said anything .  Take it easy girl, someone just wrote WHORE across her face!  Be nice and offer her a plastic cup.

Holy Jeez – there is a full keg on the dining room table.  How did they get that past the doorman?

 

Klasssy

 

 

So Slut-orama admits she wrote “WHORE” on the Ego-Monument to Siobhan.

Hubs shows his complete lack of control over this family by declaring “we all need therapy!” Hee-HEE!  That’ll show ‘em.  Oh Hubs, if you only knew how true that really is…

OK, you know what?  Sluts-R-Us is just a straight up bitch.  DONE with her.  You don’t have a kegger at your folks house, get caught, and not offer up one of the leftover jello shots.  Rude!

 

Bridg leaves another voicemail.  We cut to Blossom watching a creepy recording of the 2 happy couple living it up on New Year’s Eve.  Who filmed this and how did it end up on her laptop? They were so happy!

 

Henry comes home saying “Oh, THERE you are?”  Dude, maybe check your own house first?

Blossom demands he give her some space!  Trust me, dude, give her some space!  Suddenly, she notices in the video a red mark (Henna tattoo?  Stamp from a bar?  Scar from a cooking accident? Ding ding ding!)  Good eye – that’ll come in handy later.

 

You should get that looked at

 

 

Henry opens an envelope containing the manuscript of novel – the note says “Call me!”  He’s not happy.

Back at the apt., Hubs is wiping Natural Light off his work files.  He tells Bridg that Slutty  has taken off again.  Chain her up, I tell ya!

 

kinda like this

 

He tells Bridg he saw her helping Slutty when she was puking the other night.  Why did she care to even help her?   Bridg knows that Slutty is back on drugs and starts ripping thru her room looking for them.  Bridg takes a pretty rational, parental stand here and demands that Hubs gets a grip on this situation. Well, at least she’s taking the fake stepmother role to heart.  Misguided, but sweet.

 

Blossom finds Brigid!  She checks for the scar on her wrist and realizes she isn’t Siobhan – Siobhan had a burn mark from a private cooking lesson.  That’s what happens when you piss off Mario Batali!

 

I told her not to mess with my sauce!

 

Blossom realizes Bridg was speaking truth and now the plot thickens!

Oh Lord, we see red neon so we must be back in Wyoming.  Since when is Wyoming the strip club, mob capitol of the U.S.?  I must have missed all that in Jackson Hole.

 

Wyoming – really?

 

Malcolm, Bridg’s sponsor is still locked up in the storage space of a strip club, being shot up with heroin by the Mob Stripper Murderer.  Yeah, I did just write that.  I hate when that happens.  He can’t even see the strippers – he’s surrounded by toilet paper!  Bummer.

 

NYC – Slutty returns to the apt and into her room which she sees has been torn apart by Bridg and Hubs in search of her drugs.

 

She is pissed. She runs into the walk in closet, and pulls down Siobhan’s wedding dress from the top shelf.  She pulls the dress out of the box and starts ripping it up.  Uh, rage issues anyone?

 

You best hope that’s not from David’s!

 

Oh shit, THE gun, falls out of a purse, but Slutty doesn’t see it since she’s too busy on the phone making plans for the night.  She’s a muti-tasker, I’ll give that to her.  She pulls clothes, shoes, purses down and pours cologne all over them.  She needs a good ole fashioned ass whuppin.  She finds a lil’ piece of yellow paper – Bridg’s meeting schedule.  Day-um!

 

Never mind that gun, here’s a yellow piece of paper!

 

 

Cut to Blossom  and Bridg chatting over a cup of coffee.  Blossom can’t believe Bridg would screw over her sister in this way.  Say whaaa?  Really, Gemma? Well, I can’t believe you willingly opted for that hair color.

 

Bridget gets her shit together and goes to a meeting.  She seems to be talking a little too much at these meetings.  Can’t she just go and keep her trap shut.  Call me crazy, but don’t people want her dead? I hope she is counting on the whole anonymous aspect!

 

Dude, you’re so not trustworthy.

 

While getting coffee after the meeting, the overly friendly, somewhat prodding, and pretty invasive leader of the meeting befriends Bridg.  He tells her he’s from Flushing.  Good to know?  He reminds her that “she’s only as sick as her secrets”.

 

Oh c’mon,  JUST a feeling – but get the hell away from him.  Beyond her general lack of taste when it comes to men, this is not a time to meet strangers!  He’s a plant, girl!

And guess who’s here spying on Bridg behind a post?  Slutty.

 

Nosy!

 

Wyoming – Malcom is still in the toilet paper  holding cell at the strip club.  Malcom , maybe if you’re good they’ll let you hang in the Champagne Room for a while?

 

NYC – at the apt. Slutty apologizes to Bridg for defacing her wedding dress – but then proceeds to be the bitch that she is,  by outing the fact she tracked Bridg to the NA meeting.  Not only that, she took the subway!  I love that the subway is equally as disturbing.  Hubs is confused, but believes it when Bridg says she was just “doing research about the program.”

Blossom shows up on the elevator, gives an AMAZING smirk when she sees the “WHORE” photo, and says she has an announcement.  Bridg is freaking out, saying subtle things like  “Don’t do this, Gemma!” in an exaggerated whisper.  Blossom says I cannot finish the loft refurb.  Waa, waaaa.  Bridg thanks her for not spilling the beans, but Blossom isn’t quite done with her.

 

Apparently Blossom has been sugar mama’ing Henry all these years.  And she is very wealthy.  Really?  Did we know this already?  Well, does kinda explain things, right?  So she’s going to divorce him, but in order to guarantee he gets nothing, she needs Bridg to sleep with him tomorrow – before midnight.  Blossom will catch them in flagrante delicto and he will kicked to the curb penniless and without his kids.  Only in RingerLand would this plan seem rational.

 

Bridg is now staring at the WHORE picture wondering how the heck she got in this mess for cryin’ out loud.  Don’t start down that road, Bridg, trust me!  She angrily tries to wipe the letters off but just smears it, so now it just looks like you’re a messy WHORE.  Uh, maybe the photo should just come down?

 

Not really helping there, Bridg

 

 

 

Uh-oh, its despair time!  Bridg stares in the bathroom mirror, holding a bottle of pills.  Is this suicide or is she just craving a couple Xanax?

 

This is just melatonin, right?

 

 

Did I mention her Xanadu outfit?  Invoke the power of Olivia, Bridg!  She’ll show you the way!

 

Have to believe we are magic

 

Instead she calls Flushing dude and throws the pills down the sink.

She meets Flushing and he continues to grill her for info.  Bridg, sweetie, you know how the gays have gaydar?  You need creepdar.

He shares some 12 step wisdom and volunteers to be her sponsor.  Bridg says no thanks, she’s got Malcolm.  Oh Bridg, if you only knew…

 

Yeah, Bridg – Thanks!

 

Henry is on the phone getting some bad news.  Blossom walks in instantly suspicious of course.  They proceed to speak in code for a bit, tiptoeing around the subject until Henry admits his publisher has dropped him – the book ain’t hap’nin.  She’s pissed that all he cares about is his book and storms off.  You’re not helping your case Henry!

 

Bridg shows up at the loft to tell Blossom she’s not going through with the deal to screw Henry.  Blossom threatens Bridg again, throwing out the drug addict/stripper/whore card.  Jeez, when did Blossom become such a beeyotch?  And when did she trade in her fun prints for all black?

Oh, and she still has Machado’s number.  Where is Machado tonight?  I miss him.  Maybe he’s at the strip club with Malcolm.

“Do my husband by midnight tonight or you’re exposed. Oh yeah, and let me watch.”  Hm, don’t hear that everyday, do ya?

 

Slutty and Hubs are having a nice chat about keggers and drugs.  Hubs has decided instead of rehab, she’ll be going to public school.  Huh?  How is that a solution?  I highly doubt their local NYC high school is the answer.

 

She declares its “not about drugs.  Its about Siobhan!”  Slutty claims Siobhan is a “cheating bitch that sleeps with married men!”  How did she know?

 

Bridg meets Henry at a bar.  She notices its 11:15.  45 minutes to go.  He tries to romance her, remembering their previous sexual dalliances.  Gross. Bridg has had about enough of this and tells him Blossom knows about the affair AND the pregnancy.

 

Stop talking Henry, I might barf.

 

She tells him about the plan to catch them in bed together.  She tells him to go home, make things better, fall in love with her again, and keep her quiet!  Henry is pretty nonchalant about the news and tells her he

won’t live a lie.  Henry, um, you’re not helping here!

 

Bridg walks in to the apt and finds Hubs sitting in the dark drinking.  Atta boy!  He tells her “she told me”.  She thinks he’s talking about Blossom, obvs., but, psych!  He means Slutty found out that Siobhan stole Hubs away from her Mom and that’s why she hates her!  Slutty is now missing of course.  I say chain the bitch up to her bed – that’ll do it!

 

Bridg pulls out a matchbook and thinks this is where she may be.  He takes off and Bridg sees its midnight.  No adultery for you tonight!

 

Back in Wyoming, the fun continues for Malcolm.  Mob murderer is trying to get him to call Bridg but Malcom Hulks out and breaks the phone.  They grab him, and put a plastic bag over his head.  You guys, that strip club does NOT look fun.

 

NYC – The elevator doors open and Blossom gets out, calling for Hubs.  Warpath! Bridg tells her he’s not there and Blossom is NOT happy.  Perhaps because she’s dressed like a Yeti.

 

Is the Sherpa look in this season?

 

She tells Bridg its too late, but Bridg tells her she can’t expose her because Slutty Stepdaughter needs her help!  What?  Why would Blossom care?  Finally she breaks through to her by telling her she’ll be a better friend than Siobhan ever was!  Aw, Blossom is crying – she doesn’t even know who she is anymore!  Girl, you’re Blossom!  Now buck up!

 

Blossom is in a cab.  Henry calls and tells her Bridg spilled the beans about her scheme to catch them together.  So just when Bridg has things under control, Henry screws it up.  Again! Shut up, Henry!

 

Bridg meets Hubs at the bar in search of Slutty.  Lo and behold we find Slutty and her blond friend Trampy.

 

Not those two again!

 

We now have a cathartic confrontation  on the dance floor.  I LOVE cathartic confrontations on the dance floor – so dramatic!  She never meant to break up the marriage, she’s sorry!  She knows she’s done some crappy things but please stop hurting Hubs and herself!  Give her a chance to make it up to her.

 

Slutty doesn’t know what the hell to do now.  I like when Slutty is struck dumb.  She manages to tell them she wants to go home.  But first she needs to pick something up on the way.  Is she trying to score some drugs with her Dad and Stepmom?  Oh no, she just has a headache.  Hubs will go to the drugstore and Bridg will take her home.  Aw, bonding!

 

Blossom calls Hubs crying and begs him to meet her at her house.  Please, its an emergency!

At the apt, Bridg has decided now is a good time to scrub the WHORE of the picture.

 

Symbolism!  Slutty jumps in to help showing her the best technique.  I take it Slutty has experience at this?

 

She’s done this before

 

 

 

Blossom calls Hubs crying and begs him to meet her at her house.  Please, its an emergency!

At the apt, Bridg has decided now is a good time to scrub the WHORE of the picture.

 

Hubs shows up at Blossom’s and Henry answers the door.  He claims she’s not there, but tells him he can’t come because he’s working.  Hubs is like – WTF? and leaves.  Henry closes the door and the house is trashed.  There is blood on the walls.

 

Has Blossom been dyeing her hair again or just dying?

 

 

Oh hell no, he di’int!

 

Wow, pretty amazing ep., right?  Do we think Henry killed Blossom?  Somehow I don’t think its that simple.  Share your thoughts!

 

Thanks for reading!