Two points of business before we launch into the details of “If You’re Just An Evil Bitch, Then Get Over It”. (HAHAHA!)
#1 – Just realized Shaylene Briggs is the mother from Awkward. She is put to MUCH better use on that show and is still very very cute.
#2 – Do you think this is the way the season was initially mapped out? That it would all lead to this? Siobhan has been more or less shut down and Mama is the HBIC. Seems random.
Hubs is on the phone, explaining how he got the money back by tricking Mama. He is very pleased with himself.
What a weird living room shot, right? What are those tubes on the right?
Bridg tells him she’s at the police station. “Don’t panic, it happened again. Someone shot at me.” HAHAHAHA! Oh man, that must have been the runner up for episode title. She tells him, they are not after Bridget, they are after her, meaning Siobhan. Oh jeez, I’m not even going to attempt to unpack that statement. You’re talking in circles again, RINGER, what did I tell you about that?
Hubs hangs up and hears opera coming from Juliet’s room. He finds Mama in there with her wrists cut. She hugs him, leaving blood all over him.
I JUST had this dry cleaned – they gave me a Tarot card…
This whole little scenario looks vaguely familiar…
Someone’s been watching Fatal Attraction, I think…
Do NOT try to out-crazy this bitch. She will cut you – literally!
Mama goes to the floor. “I just want to die.”
Mama is in a hospital bed. She turns and sees Juliet. “Hello, my angel…” Juliet isn’t buying Mama’s act. She thinks it’s just another attempt for attention and she’s not getting sucked in again.
Hubs goes to see Juliet. Mama’s psychiatrist shows up to talk with Hubs in private. He tells the psych that she has done this before, something called a “para-suicide”, meaning she didn’t really want to die, she just wanted the attention. Au contraire, the psych says, she definitely would have died if he hadn’t found her. She will recover in 3 days, but she can’t just set free on her own accord.
Henry is arrested – again. Henry just wants to get back to his kids. They have to be doing this on purpose now, right? I mean Kristoffer Polaha must laugh to himself whenever he has to talk about “the boys”.
Is it wrong that I love this SOOO much?
Machado and Bridg are having a pow-wow over coffee. They have the same exact conversation AGAIN. Who wants her dead? Blah, blah. The phone they found on the hit man went nowhere, so they are more or less back at square one. She brings up Dragon Lady Olivia, but Machado says she’s not a suspect.
Finally Machado says he will get a buddy of his at the “bureau” to look into it. So good work, Machado – I guess.
Henry gets home, calls for the boys. “Dash! Becks!” What in the name of all that is holy are those names? These poor phantom children with terrible made up names? Siobhan is there of course – holding her belly for emphasis.
NO ONE is buying it, Siobhan!
She doesn’t know how to tell Henry this, but Child Protective Services paid a visit and took the boys away. Well Henry, I can’t say I feel bad for you. You did name those poor kids Dash and Becks after all.
At the apt., Bridg and Hubs are going over the facts – again. Lordy Lord Lord… These two need a night out or something. Maybe they should see if there are any key parties in the building?
Juliet comes in. She can’t stop thinking about Mama – what if they hadn’t tricked her? Um, Juliet – remember when you said you weren’t going to let her pull you back in? Well, sucka, you just got pulled in. Fool.
“Do you think she’s like, actually crazy?” Yeah, Juliet, pretty much looks that way. When Bridg offers to come with her to her room, Juliet says “And what? Tuck me in? I got it.”
Gawd, this whole family is so screwed up.
She seems a bit off, don’t you think hun?
With Juliet gone, Hubs tells her that Mama did this before – when he asked for a divorce.
He tells her that Mama kissed him when they were drinking together and then he starts to spiral, saying maybe it was his fault. C’MON PEOPLE! GET A GRIP! THE BITCH IS PSYCHOTIC! WE KNOW THIS! CUT THIS SHIT OUT!
In a moment of clarity, Bridg says that anything she got, she deserved. And they will figure it out. Although Bridg says that A LOT, so maybe not so much clarity.
Bridg, what is up with the weave? That’s some Britney shit right there
Henry comes home and tells Siobhan that it was Grampa John M.D. that took the kids away. He’s going over there to get them.
Acting like a complete loon talking to herself, she say she will fix this. This woman will never learn.
At the SOHO Diamond, Siobhan finds our Russian maid Oksana and gives her a payoff to change the story about Henry.
Put this on your time card and punch it! (WHAT??)
Flash to police headquarters. Oksana walks in and tells Det. Towers that they need to talk. Smooth, Siobhan. Real smooth.
Really? You know Oksana would pocket that cash
Henry shows up at Grampa’s house which appears to be in some suburban fairyland.
I think that’s the house from War of the Roses. Hey, it’s a Michael Douglas theme today!
Dash and Becks (ha!) run into Henry’s arms. Grampa is not happy and yells that it’s lunchtime. Annafreid (Anti-freeze?) the kids’ nanny has defected to Grampa’s side and she calls them in the house. Good to see you Dash and Becks! (PLEASE tell me neither Kardashians nor the Beckhams were involved in the naming of those children).
Grampa tells Henry he’s not supposed to be here. He tells the kids it’s lunch time. Gramps isn’t happy – he says he’s not supposed to be here. He called the police after Henry gave him the flash drive and figured Henry somehow had to be involved in Tyler’s murder. He remembers how Gemma Blossom used to come to him crying. He hired a detective and found out about Henry’s affair with Siobhan. He thinks Henry had something to do with her murder and he will bring him down. He will make Henry and Siobhan pay!
Towers brings Bridg in for questioning. He knows about her relationship with Tyler AND her relationship with Henry. He then asks her why she would want to bribe the maid Oksana.
Back at the hospital Mama is in bed and high as a kite. “I haven’t been on this many drugs since college.” HA! Juliet tells her she only did all of these terrible things to get Mama to love her.
Mama admits she’s an awful mother. Self-awareness! Thank you Jesus! She only had a baby because Hubs wanted one and then after the divorce she let Hubs take Juliet away. Holy crap, that is a shitty bit of info to share with your daughter, donchthink?
Holy SHIT! What a c*@&#!!!
Eventually she began obsessing over Siobhan, especially when she saw Juliet began to warm up to her.
She did everything to get back at Siobhan. To take everything away from her – the $, Juliet, Hubs.
She says she doesn’t want to live unless Juliet believes her.
Juliet looks her straight in her high as hell face and says “If you’re just an evil bitch, get over it.” Thank you, Juliet – I needed that!
Machado and his partner Dan Quayle walk into a bar to find the owner of the Tarot card cleaners. No, that was not the setup of a joke, it really happened.
A crooked dry cleaner, a suspended FBI agent, and a former VP candidate walk into a bar…
Machado questions the guy, telling him he thinks the cleaners was a front for hit men to find potential clients. So he’s basically a hit man pimp, or a hit man broker if you will. The cleaners guy laughs in their faces and says that lucky for him dead hit men don’t talk.
After he leaves, Machado says he never denied anything, but Dan reminds him they don’t have enough evidence to arrest him.
Henry comes home. I wonder what joy and positivity he has to share now?
I want these two to just stop it. Seriously, STAWP!
Oh, Oksana changed her story. But before Siobhan can start patting herself on the back – he tells her the maid told the police that she tried to bribe her.
Of course Siobhan freaks out and says they need to find out if they have questioned Bridget. They need to find Bridg to get their stories straight. Henry can’t believe she made it about her, but I just want to punch Henry in the face. Dude, what you expect? Once again, I want to yell THE BITCH IS CRAZY!!!
Machado is casing the last (2nd) dead hit man’s house. His family leaves, he breaks in.
At the apt., Juliet and Hubs are having take out. She admits she went to see Mama. Juliet is freaked that they are going to put Mama in a crazy house. Um, Juliet maybe because SHE BELONGS IN A CRAZY HOUSE!
She begs him to let her come stay with them. They can hire a nurse! Please just think about it!
In the house, Machado heads down to the hit man’s basement because as we know all the bad business takes place in the basement. He finds photos of the whole gang Hubs, Bridg, Juliet – including the photo that was cut out of Siobhan that Bridget had found on the 1st hit man.
He then finds a locked refrigerator. He pries it open and someone resembling Borat falls out.
Sexytimes? Not so much.
Siobhan is cleaning up at Henry’s. She is standing in front of the glass front door when someone comes a-knockin’. Uh-oh! It’s Bridg! She puts the key in the lock. She comes in and calls for Annafreid (Anti-freeze?) the nanny.
I think “Bridg” is wearing that stripping wig again
Siobhan is hiding just around the corner. She picks up a blunt object. Now’s your chance, girl!
And it’s not a dream sequence! YAY! Baby steps, people
Just then Henry comes home. Boo! i want some twin on twin wrasslin’!
Bridg asks him about the arrest. He tells her he hired a blond woman to try to bribe the maid so police assumed it was her because of their relationship. (WHAAAAT? Moving on…)
Bridg knows this is bullshit. She wants to know why he was at the Soho Diamond.
She knows he did kill Tyler, it’s written all over his face.
He wants her out, but she says she knows he’s hiding something. Yeah, your sister who’s about 5 feet away – and about ready to bludgeon you! Run, girl, run!
Machado shows up at the apt. because Bridg couldn’t get away. They enter the living room to find Mama and Juliet. Mama leaves the room and Juliet scoops up her meds off the coffee table.
Juliet says she’s hopeful that Mama is getting better. Whatevs, Juliet.
Serious question – how many statues/sculptures do you think are used on this set? 200? 3,000?
Machado shows Bridg the picture with Shiv cut out of it. She shrugs it off, although she recognizes it as the one the hit man had.
He now shows her a pic of the dead body from the fridge. It’s not Borat, it’s the first hit man! Yeah, that makes more sense.
She says she knows him because she killed him. Wow!
Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson (Henry and Siobhan) are having another fight. She tells him she will go wherever he wants, but he says it’s too late. He won’t leave the Dash and Becks. (HAHAHAHA!)
He tells her not to try to fix anything else. She just makes things worse. You know, these two really do deserve one another.
Back at the apartment, Machado tells her to tell him everything. She says she killed him in the loft and when she went back the body was gone. Barton (hit man #2) took the body.
She gave the gun she had used to kill him to John Delario (Flushing) who then used it to kill Blossom. She had the loft hit man’s phone, but it was stolen. Machado says if they find who took phone they can find who tried to kill her.
And of course hopped up, crazy ass Mama is listening around the corner.
Bridg is looking through papers looking for clues. She goes through potential suspects – The Dragon Lady, Mama, Teach, Henry.
Juliet comes at her with a letter opener – WTF? Oh, she was hiding it from Mama. Why? Because the BITCH IS CRAZY??? Yeah, maybe not a good idea to let her in the house!!
Hubs goes into the office to find Grampa waiting for him. Gramps pulls out the flash drive and Hubs in flabbergasted. He tells Hubs to cut the crap. He isn’t going to turn him in, he’s going to save Martin/Charles.
At the apartment, Juliet enters the elevator. She tells Bridg she’s going to the Mama’s hotel room to pick up her stuff. Bridg volunteers to go with, but Juliet wants her to stay with her.
Bridg turns to find Mama lurking behind her. She invites Bridg to have tea with her. Bridg says thanks, but no thanks. After a quick guilt trip, Bridg agrees to have tea. Mama turns and smirks. DON’T LET THE CRAZY BITCH MAKE YOU TEA, DUMBASS!
Is now a good time for me to murder you?
Machado is searching on his laptop when he gets an email from Dan. They found a match on the fingerprints! A photo comes up of the perp. You guessed it, it’s crazy ass Mama!
Is that a mug shot?
Mama serves the tea. Machado calls Bridg’s cell, but Mama intercepts the call and hides the phone. Machado calls the home phone, but it’s disconnected. Aw shit!
I mean, you kinda HAVE to love her, right?
Bridg drinks her tea and surprise, surprise! Mama drugged Bridg!
Bridg stumbles into the next room to find her phone but finds Mama’s purse instead. She then finds the stolen hit man’s cell phone.
Nice flip phone gawd! What is this, 2005? Pshaw!
Bridg falls to the floor and Mama pours pills all over her…
This MIGHT be my favorite pic of the season – definitely top 3
Despite all of my protestations and little nitpicking, this episode moved really well. Finally the truth, or at least the truthiness, is starting to come out. Next week looks a-MAH-zing – cannot wait!
What did you think? Is the mob plot coming back? Will Siobhan reclaim the bitch crown? Will Martin/Charles be saved? Are Dash and Becks the worst names ever?