What the hell is this picture? Just found it. Is this Bridg in her strippin’ days? In any case, I love it.
We are now getting down to the wire in the saga of Bridget and Siobhan. “That Woman’s Never Been A Victim in Her Entire Life” is episode 18 of 22. Considering a renewal is up in the air, I am hoping TPTB are able to corral all of this into a somewhat logical conclusion. I must say that this episode was a pretty good start.
We start off where we left off last week – in the Loft of Mysterious Hit Men. Seriously, that loft has some bad juju. Hubs is still in Bridg’s loving arms. She continues to weep beatific, soulful tears over his damaged, yet willfully strong body. It is in this moment we know that they are truly meant to be together. Or something like that.
She’s quite a crier, that SMG
Solomon calls an ambulance, then gives Machado a quick rundown of what went down. Machado, ever ready to kick some ass (ha), grabs a flashlight and takes to the fire escape where the perp is still on the run.
Out of the way, I’m a detective!
Machado stops the masked man in the alley with guns a-blazing. But at this exact moment some event (concert? movie? Disney on Ice?) lets out and the alley is swarmed with hipsters, who don’t seem to have a problem with a sketchy masked man serial killer looking dude. People are people, man! They see the person behind the mask! Well, not really, but you know…
Is that Rorshach?
So Masky takes off again amid all the hub bub and tries to jump the ever present locked metal fence. Machado gets a hold of the guy, just enough to rip his pocket and for the contents to fall out. The guy kicks him and his steel grip is not enough to hold him. He gets away down another seedy Ringer alley. Machado (he’s a detective, you know!) takes a look at what fell out of his pocket. It’s a Tarot card – The Tower. Not the Tower! Oh God, you guys, it’s the Tower (?)
I was just saying that this show needed a touch of the occult!
Bridg is now keeping vigil at the hospital. From the look on her face I would say she’s currently in the bargaining stage. Juliet shows up, frantic. Bridg tells her the tale of her father, the hero. He jumped in front of the bullet to save her – he IS the man she always wanted him to be. Juliet is completely flummoxed. She just wants to know why someone was shooting at her in the first place. Oh Juliet, some things you don’t need to know. Bridg claims ignorance; she’s good like that.
It’ll be ok…I think – well, no, probably not
Siobhan and Henry are in bed together (grody) when the phone rings. It’s Juliet telling Henry what went down. Henry says “I can get someone to watch them.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That one never gets old.
Is Henry a secret Shaka Bra surfer dude with that braided bracelet?
Henry tells Siobhan what happened and that Juliet asked him to go to the apartment and get some things for Hubs. Yeah, don’t worry about getting into the apartment in the middle of the night. Security will buzz you right up!
Machado is having a FBI pow wow with his partner, Dan Quayle. Apparently the Tower card can represent failure or dualism. Ooo – dualism. Get it? Twins? Schizophrenic primetime soap opera? It all makes sense now.
Dan shares that a palm reader once told him he wouldn’t make it to his 36th birthday and he’s now 35. Uh-oh, I think the deathwatch has begun for Dan.
100 years ago 35 was old age – kinda…
Machado is pissed that there isn’t an intense investigation into Martin/Charles considering Tyler, Malcolm, and Hubs all work/ed there and seem to be dropping off like flies. Go get ‘em Machado! (he’s a detective, you know).
Henry arrives at the hospital with Hubs’ stuff. Juliet has taken over her father’s place in Bridg’s lap, sleeping as they await Hubs’ results.
Henry is quite calm and rational, asking “Siobhan” who would want to shoot her? OK, let’s consider things for a second. Henry is the one in all of this that knows the most. How is he just taking it all in and not completely freaking out and blowing the whistle on all this nonsense? Further proof that Henry, himself, is also a somewhat barely adjusted nut ball.
Hubs has a piece of bullet next to his spine and is being operated on. And here comes Madame Doctor! Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles – Hubs is going to be fine!
Bridg and Juliet hug in jubilation as Henry watches, observing the bond between step-daughter/step-niece and step-mother/step-aunt. Just as God intended.
It’s almost as if they like each other!
Henry returns to Casa de Missing Hermanos. Henry tells Siobhan how Bridg saved Hubs. How she has been able to bring the family together, something Siobhan could never have done. He proceeds to go on another tear about how she’s a lying sociopath and he thinks she put out the hit on Bridg in order to frame Hubs.
He doesn’t even believe the babies she’s carrying are his and he wants her out of the house!
Aw, crap. Not again! Why does this keep happening to me?
Bridg wakes up in the hospital room. Hubs then wakes up. She calls him Superman – aww. Not quite – he’s Mr. Fantastic!
I knew you wore spandex at some point, sweetie
He ask is they caught the gunman and asks if they are ok. She kisses him and tells him she’s coming home. It’s all very sweet until Bridg decides it’s a good time for a little confrontation. Sure, why not?
She asks why he went to Malcolm’s room at the motel. She tells him she saw the footage. He claims that it was Dragon Lady Olivia’s fault. He bribed Malcolm, gave him money to disappear – which he took.
She lets him know she wasn’t honest either. “Umm, remember that party we had in the Loft of Death? Yeah, there was kind of a dead body in a trunk during that event. Oh, and I killed the guy, but only after he tried to kill me! And then the body disappeared. Yeah, that happened.”
Somehow all of this sharing brings the couple closer together and they immediately forgive each other’s lying, bribing, extortion, and killing. I think we can all agree that this is a couple to emulate, amirite?
They come to the conclusion that the Dragon Lady is behind all of this, although now that they have decided this, we the viewer know it can’t be true. That’s just not how Ringer works, people!
Grampa John M.D. is over at Henry’s, picking up the kids for the weekend. Yeah, not a bad idea considering all the murder and stuff.
Wasn’t Grampa John M.D. supposed to be dying at some point? He looks pretty OK to me.
Henry tells him he still views them as family, even though poor Blossom Gemma is dead and gone. Gramps backs this up. Henry then spills the beans and tells him to get his money out of Martin/Charles cause that place is whack. I guess this is Henry in repair mode.
Machado arrives at the hospital room, wanting to ask questions.
Don’t you know I’m the only one allowed to question my husband immediately after surgery?
He asks why Hubs was at Malcolm’s hotel. Hubs says he was just concerned about Malcolm’s whereabouts and thought to check on surveillance. He was just trying to be a good samaratin – like the club at Zachary Taylor High!
Machado drops the bomb that Malcolm was going to testify against Macaway. Bridg says “Whaaa?”
Machado then inquires about the Dragon Lady. Hubs says they haven’t been able to get in touch with her. Machado says he just wants to make sure she isn’t next.
He leaves and Bridget wigs out a bit about Malcolm – they need to find him! And she knows just the man for the job – Solomon.
He may be the only capable person on this entire show
Solomon shows up at apt. 10H – The Dragon Lady’s apt. He breaks in, cases the joint, and sees that somebody sure left in a hurry! He then spots a notepad and does the old pencil shading to see what was written last. It is some code or password.
I got nothin’…
He also sees her last call on her home phone was to the police. He goes to leave and hears voices coming from downstairs. He runs up the stairs to avoid them.
Machado and a cop show up and see the door has been broken into. Machado also notices some overturned furniture. I do believe Dragon Lady Olivia and Malcolm are currently chilling in someone’s basement eating bologna. While they are in the apt., Solomon sneaks back down the stairs and past them. Phew.
Dan Quayle calls Machado and tells him that they have tracked the Tarot cards down to a dozen magic shops and a dry cleaners. Ok, what? How do you track the Tarot cards to a cleaners? Oh Ringer…
Solomon goes to the hospital tells Bridg that the Dragon Lady sure left in a hurry. Machado arrived while he was there. Gives her the paper with the code.
Juliet shows up at the hospital. Mama has crashed the party and Juliet is of course a little on edge. Hubs tells her they have decided that she should go to Miami.
Juliet does not take this well and hightails it out of there. Mama goes after her and reminds her that they are getting everything they ever wanted. They can get matching convertibles! Ew. Juliet tells her that she doesn’t want anything to do with her, but Mama twists the knife by saying they are bonded together forever because of what they did, so get used to it. That Mama sure is a prize.
Siobhan calls Henry and leaves a voicemail. She tells him he is right, she’s sorry she’s told so many lies, and she’s headed to the hospital to tell Hubs the truth about everything. For real? If they take her down, doesn’t that mean that they ALL will go to jail? Shiv, Bridg, Hubs, Henry, etc? I guess they could all pool their money and escape to that private island beach. Start up some twin-centered pagan religious commune. I smell season 2, y’all!
Back at the apartment, Juliet is packing. Bridg comes in bearing gifts from Bergdorf’s. I bet it’s that Hermes g-string bikini. In the immortal words of rapper extraordinaire Will Smith “Welcome to Miami!”
It’s a XXXXX Small. I hope it’s not too big.
Bridg takes note of all the wool Juliet is packing, but Jules brushes it off with a “duh, it’s called fashion.” Whoa, hold up there Juliet – if there’s one thing Bridg knows, its outerwear.
Bridg says its only temporary, she’ll be back, but Juliet reminds her of time “she” told Juliet she was just collateral damage. Jeez, between Siobhan and Mama, they should be thankful she hasn’t snapped and taken them all out.
Juliet reminds her “there are bullets in Miami too.” Mama arrives and on the way to the elevator,Bridg says she can call her anytime. Juliet tells her to lose her number. Harsh.
Downstairs, Juliet asks if she can stop by the school to say goodbye. Mama says ok, but quick – she needs a drink. HAHA! Atta girl. Across the street, someone is taking pictures of them as they get into the car.
Mama’s got the shakes
Henry gets Siobhan’s message and he rushes off to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life! Well, one of them at least.
Machado arrives at the cleaners. OK, this part is so ridiculous, I’m going to make it quick. The cleaners used to hand out Tarot cards with their cleaning/laundry service. They were used for coupons and “stuff like that.” (?)
Tarot Card Cleaners, how can I help you?
Can you imagine going to pick up your shirts and they hand you the Death card? Gee, uh, thanks? Anyway, they don’t do it anymore and the owner who was in charge of the Tarot cards (??) isn’t there right now. The clerk says she’ll get him the message.
After he leaves, the clerk calls the boss telling him a Detective Machado brought in the Tower card. Machado calls for info on the cleaners. He’s a detective, you know!
Siobhan arrives at the hospital and enters Hubs room. He wakes up and she greets him with a frostbitten “Hello Andrew.” Yikes. Henry arrives at the hospital and is frisked by the security. What is this Beyonce’s private floor?
Finally, Henry arrives in the room, busting in just in time. He asks is he can steal his wife away for a minute. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
He gets her out of the room and she says she just wants it to end. Guess what happens next? Yup, Henry melts and says he didn’t believe her, but he does now. Oh God, Henry – has anyone ever told you the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over and over again and expecting different results? Yeah, Henry – yo’ ass is crazy.
Siobhan sees Bridget and freaks out, as one does. Henry heads Bridg off at the pass and Siobhan sneaks out. You’d think the security guard would have noted the whole twin situation, but let’s keep things moving, shall we?
Bridg goes into Hubs room. Luckily (?) Bridg and Siobhan just happen to be wearing the same exact coat and have their hair done exactly the same way today. Isn’t that lucky? No updo’s or bangs today, thank you very much!
Hubs tells her that Juliet is missing. I knew Jules had a trick up her sleeve.
Mama is being questioned. Juliet went into the bathroom and snuck away. I bet Mama was at the cafeteria bar the whole time. Obviously Hubs is pissed. Mama is going back to the school to look for her – she still has half a martini waiting for her!
Bridg remembers the code on the piece of paper. Through some fancy trickery, they crack the code. It is the school’s address – The Dragon Lady took Juliet!
Henry and Siobhan are making out. Yeah, it’s pretty gross. Henry has a confession…
Flashback of the maid letting him into the Soho Diamond hotel room. He goes straight to Tyler’s briefcase where Tyler catches him.
Oh, hi! Umm, housekeeping?
They proceed to have a Popeye (Tyler) VS. Bluto (Henry) fight over Olive Oyl (Siobhan). Unfortunately in this cartoon, Bluto wins when Henry kills Tyler. By accident! Jeez, it’s not like he meant to bash his skull in. Anyway, he grabs the flash drive, switching it out for the fake one, and gets out of there.
Siobhan says he should have told her but he reminds her he couldn’t trust her. I mean he could have sex with her and let her stay in his home alone with his “two kids” but he sure as hell couldn’t trust her.
She says it will be over soon. Oh Siobhan, promise?
Two nutjob sociopaths in love – so cute!
Henry admits he gave the real flash to Grampa John M.D. to prove he needs to take out his investment in Martin/Charles.
Bridg and Hubs have arrived back at the apartment. Hubs is lounging casually in what might as well be a three piece suit. Chill Hubs! His arm is in a splint, because I guess the bullet went through his arm before it was lodged near his spine? Hubs thinks Dragon Lady took Juliet in order to blackmail him into taking full responsibility for the Ponzi scheme.
Meanwhile Bridg has a flashback of Juliet packing all her wool clothing and telling her she wanted them to go away to the beach house together. She doesn’t think it’s the Dragon Lady after all!
They should know never to challenge me on my outerwear fashion expertise!
Dan Quayle tells Machado that the cleaners Tarot card kingpin is currently being investigated.
Machado gets a call letting him know Malcolm’s ID and info has been found along with a body. Uh-oh.
Malcolm? Solomon won’t be back next week, we promise!
The Hamptons – Bridg enters the house where she finds Juliet snug as a bug in all her wool.
Juliet confesses that she just doesn’t want to be with Mama. Bridget doesn’t want her to hide things like she used to do, she can tell her what’s wrong.
Finally Juliet breaks and tells her Mama came up with a plan to change their lives: find two people etc. etc. Juliet spills the beans.
(NOTE: So why the hell did the Dragon Lady have the Zachary Taylor High address on the pad in her apartment?)
Bridg and Juliet arrive back at the apartment. Wow, that’s a lot of driving for one night. They find Machado in the living room with Hubs. The body they found with Malcolm’s ID was one of Macaway’s lieutenants. When she was shot at in the loft, they believed they were shooting Bridget (which they were). And Macaway won’t stop coming after her. He’ll be back.
Day’um girl. You’re all wanted and shit.
I do believe that was the most straight forward, least convoluted episode that Ringer has ever produced. With the exception of the Tarot card dealing cleaners that is…
What did you think? Will we come to a satisfying conclusion? Will the sisters actually meet next week or is that more trickery? Who IS the bad guy? Aaaaaaah!!!