blah blah blah Road Rules title.

Tell me if you have heard this before. David gets voted in to the Pit. David wins the Pit. David performs well in the mission. David gets douched over and gets voted BACK in the Pit. Sound familiar? If you have indeed heard that before, then you can just go read one of L Con’s recaps because you already know what happens here. I hate to ruin it so soon for you, but that is exactly what happened this week. You could’ve pretty much taken out the last 5 weeks worth of episodes and been at the exact same place that we are at today. Thanks MTV.

I feel ya. Ive fallen asleep a ton of times this season too.

To start us off, we join David in the Pit challenge. Guess who he gets voted to go up against?! Dan of course! This time the challenge is called Shockwave. Each player stands on a tiny box and they while holding a rope between them. The object is to either break the other persons grip, or make them fall off their box.

When the competition first starts, Dan is going crazy trying to shake the rope as much as possible. David is trying to absorb the rope swingage with his body, but the rope keeps hitting his ugly mug. Right now I am just thinking that Dan is going to tire out super fast and then David will steak his claim. But Dan actually catches David a little of guard and David lets go with his left hand. Oh no is David going to lose? Well, he somehow manages to still gain control of the rope again and right as you think David might get knocked off, we cut to the kids on the RV! Drama!

Derek is telling us that at this point, it is every man for himself. Honestly, it took you THIS long to figure that out? Susie wants Dan back on the bus and Tori tells us that she made a deal not to vote in Adam, Kina or Susie. So if Dan comes back, then she will have to vote either Dan or Derek in and that will be too hard for her. Aww, what a tough decision to make in life. So who do they pick up on the side of the road?? Well, I already told you, David won.

What went down in the Pit challenge? Right after David started to absorb all of the shaking Dan was doing, David switched from defense to offense and started hurling the rope around. Dan couldn’t take much of it, lost his balance and fell off his box. That’s a shame. Honestly, there should be a limit to how many times a player can go to a Pit and get beaten. I would’ve loved to see David go against someone like Monte in this challenge. That may have lasted all of .4 nanoseconds. Susie isn’t happy that David won and tells the camera that she thinks David is going to start throwing the missions. GOOD! I hope he does. I can’t recall a time (I think I mentioned this before) that a player has actually just stood there during a mission to throw it. I think David might be the kind of guy to pull this off.

After they get moving again, Susie asks David “did you think we were going to put you in the Pit last week no matter what and just made up an excuse to get you there?” Obviously that’s exactly what happened. David says yes, he honestly thinks that is what went down. The RV’ers try to defend themselves because they are being called out on it and it just sounds silly. Adam says he is trying to be like a big brother to David and he honestly DOES like him, but David isn’t taking his advice. Well, David immediately calls him out on this by saying Adam’s advice is to just suck it up and go in the Pit every week. Not exactly the best brotherly advice if you ask me. I would hate to have Adam as my older brother.

Derek chimes in and starts to get angry. Derek starts by saying he doesn’t understand how the system works. When he first came on the RV they hold him he had to pay his dues and go to the Pit because everybody had already been once. Well, the next week after he came back, they voted him in again. Derek questions whether or not the “system” changed. Adam and Kina agreed that it had changed. But they made it seem like they didn’t have anything to do with it. Adam says when Derek got back “every one was even” and so they decided to start over (cough cough bull shit cough). Derek asks “well what is the system, vote me and David in until the game is over??” Unfortunately Derek, I think that that is the way it is. Adam says it is “definitely a performance based system.” That didn’t go over too well with Derek because he says that he and David are carrying the team week to week and everyone else is getting a free ride.

Out of left field Kina turns around from the passenger seat and points at David “you know what pisses me off about you and every other Pit Crew member? Since day mother fucking one, ya’ll think ya’ll have such a raw mother fuckin’ deal. But we have a raw deal as well.” Oh yea? Forming an alliance with 4 of the 6 people on the bus so that you can NEVER get voted in to the Pit again? God, Kina, I really do feel for you, if life was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament, you’ve been dealt a 2-7 off suit. Getting tens of thousands of dollars to perform stupid tricks for a reality T.V. show on MTV, going on bar tours to different cities afterwards (getting paid more), get to travel around in a RV with an activity planned just once a week sounds like HELL. Meanwhile I am sitting in front of a computer getting farsighted, showing signs of carpel tunnel, making poo poo for cash, and losing all my friends. But trade that for the stress of catching a raw deal on Road Rules? F no! I’d never trade for that.

Susie looked like she didn’t want Kina going off like that, but you know she was thinking the same thing. Susie tells us that she thought it was going to be a 5-1 against David, but now Derek might “revolt” with David. Oh no! 4-2?! Susie 4 > 2, you can still vote either one of them in the Pit EVERY WEEK! You are still safe and you will be there till the end.

They gang gets their new clue and I have to be honest, I found it kind of puzzling. “Get back on the road towards San Diego…” weren’t they just there?? Why is every mission in California? The only road they are ruling is the 5. Not only that, but what do they do every week? I would be bored to tears with those saps for 6 days in a row with no missions? Ugh.

Everyone arrives at Stu Segall Studios for their new mission. Apparently it is a studio where they perform stunts for movies. Drew, our resident Roadmaster, tells us that this is where fantasy becomes reality. I can tell you mine would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Maybe add a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake and how about we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge? That’s where my fantasy becomes a reality.

Here is where MTV floods us with shameless plugs for the new movie “Condemned”. Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to be co-hosting today. Obviously David has a man crush on Stone Cold, you can practically hear his heart pitter pattering through the TV. David tells us that he doesn’t care if he gets beheaded or loses a nut in today competition; it’s in front of Stone Cold! Marie Antoinette and Lance Armstrong are not amused.

Today’s mission is to break up in to 3 groups of guy/girl teams. Each will compete in a separate mission and if they win, they get a key. That key opens a briefcase as a part of the final mission where they all work together. If they complete all of that, they win $20k! They upped it from the standard $10k. I guess MTV didn’t realize how pathetic these kids were going to be this season and decided to up the stakes.

The first mission starts off with David and Susie, their mission is titled “Abandoned City.” All they have to do is run to the other side of a deserted field and pick up each set of their keys. Sounds easy right? Well not when there is an attack dog chasing you! Too bad MTV made them wear those protective suits, otherwise this episode would’ve entered Top 5 all-time range. David says that he is acting really calm around Stone Cold because all he wants to do is “hug and do all these other things to him, but I don’t want to scare him”. Ok the man-crush is going a little over the line now. Susie is really scared and nervous for this mission and before they are about to start, David barks really loudly behind her back. Susie turns around and quips “shut up douche!”. I thought that was mildly amusing. Mildly.

David basically carries his dog while it is biting his arm and it doesn’t really phase him. In the mean time, Susie gets knocked to the ground and can’t get up because the dog is holding her down. David goes and gets his key, turns around, goes to Susie, picks her and her dog up and essentially carries her to get her key. So in this mission one dog was supposed to stop each person. David took 2 dogs and another human being with him and still got the key. Kudos!

Next up are Derek and Tori in “The Hallway”. They have to crawl about 15 feet in a giant box under chicken wire. Except the box is filled with rats! What is hilarious is that the rats or mice or whatever they are, just scurry away whenever Derek or Tori comes near them. Totally harmless. Once they get though that part of the mission, the next part is to reach in a fish tank of either scorpions or spiders. Derek struggles for a second but then just says screw it, reaches in and unhooks his key from the scorpion tank. Tori does the same with her tarantula tank and they both get their keys. Two for two so far!

Now for the third team exercise, they call it “The Cell”. Adam and Kina team up to eat some truly heinous “food”. They have to eat a bowl of maggots and a few cockroaches. Kina starts flipping out and says there is no way she can do it and just wants to be sent in to the Pit. YES!!! Why couldn’t that happen?!? That would’ve been hilarious if she got sent to the Pit and lost and didn’t get a chance at the final mission. Susie is trying to rally Kina to finish her leg of the mission telling Kina that it’s all in her head and if she were Kina, she would TOTALLY eat those maggots. I’m sure Susie. Well, Kina says F it and gives this mission a shot. Susie is feeding her a spoon full of maggots and Kina takes a little bite and has a seizure. It is F’ING HILARIOUS. I seriously rate it on par to the time where she had a panic attack from a few episodes ago. Anyways, battling puking and the perceived horrific taste of live bugs, they both somehow finish their meals. No chance I could ever do that. Fine, send me to the Pit, whatever, those cockroaches were huge!

Now they all have their keys and the final part of the mission is to open a suitcase, each with one letter in it. They then have to take these 6 letters and make 6 words in under 2 minutes. Hey a tough finale right? Actually no, they only have to spell 1 six letter word and 5 four letter words. What is this, fifth grade?! Their letters are:

I N R E N W

They get the six letter word right away: winner. Here are their 5 four letter words, let me know if you see a problem. Wren (the bird), nine, when, wire, and wine.

How about wHen has a H in it!!!!! Come on people, you are only dealing with 6 letters! Needless to say, they lose yet another mission and have to vote someone in again. Kina says they’ve already pissed off David so there is no sense in pissing off Derek too, so she is going to vote David back in. Susie says she feels responsible for the loss (she wrote the words down on the easel) but she doesn’t care, she is still going to vote David in. She tells us she will get over her guilt when she gets the check in the mail. Lovely. So much for Adam’s “vote for performance” system.

After they break the news to David, he gets all in a tizzy. He screams “what the fuck do you want from me”. Actually, if you ask me, I want you to throw every single mission. When the dog attacked you today, just lay there and don’t move. Derek tells the camera that David is a nutcase, but he might be a smart nutcase because he isn’t sure if David is playing the sympathy factor and faking it or not. David tells the RV’ers that they are the best people he has ever met in his life. Yea, I think Derek is right, he has to be faking it. David ends the episode by saying the bottom line is, he can’t break up their alliance and all he can do is to keep winning the Pit.

What did you guys think? Don’t you think David got a raw deal?! Are you just waiting for this season to be over so you can devote your time to the Inferno??