Doggie Style

The times, they are a-changin’. Only a few episodes into the new season of Road Rules: X-Treme, and it’s already time for a regime change. After pouty nausea victim Danny got the boot last week, it was time to welcome a new member into the Road Rules family: Nick. Hailing from Blandsville, USA, Nick is a fan of vanilla and saltines. Actually, I shouldn’t come down so harshly on the guy. He hardly had a chance to let his personality out of the bag due to the cast members’ chilly reception, which kept him firmly uncomfortable and unwelcome. Ah, the backward social dynamics of reality television never cease to amaze.Truth is that any Bunim/Murray newbie who prefers tact and understatement to in-your-face camera hogging is fine with me. Must I remind you of last season’s Tina, the odious Road Ruler whose intellect seemed to be inversely proportional to the loudness of her voice? Needless to say, she was very loud. Nick, however, is tentative, articulate, and completely unwanted by his new teammates. In an execution of group mentality that usually finds most traction with middle schoolers, the original five roadies immediately shunned Nick for being new. Apparently his outsider status made him inherently evil, which is completely logical. Some people complained that Nick would mess up the group dynamic. Actually, he probably won’t, but I’m sure the self-fulfilling prophecy forced on him won’t be helping things either.

Nick could do nothing to gain the respect of his new teammates. If he was inside talking to the girls, Patrick and Derrick were complaining that he wasn’t spending enough time with them. If Nick was a solid performer in the mission, he still wasn’t as good as he should have been. And I’m sure when the girls discovered Nick was gay, they probably complained that he wasn’t as effeminate as Danny was.

Speaking of Nick’s homosexuality, Derrick was kind enough to provide an objectifying introduction by saying something along the lines of “Hey Patrick, we got another gay!” Nick took the obtuse greeting well, which undoubtedly caused Ibis to say something like “He doesn’t stand up for himself. I hate him.”

Now I know these guys aren’t exactly the greatest thinkers in the world, but isn’t it more productive to be welcoming to the new guy and act like a cohesive team? And don’t they realize that it’s their own blundering that put them in this situation, not some cosmic voodoo from Nick? Just thinking out loud.

Aside from the introduction of Nick, not much else happened in this episode except for a silly romp with some guard dogs. Once again, I was greatly amused by the roomies’ lame attempts to decipher their mission clues. This time around, they were asked if their bite was worse than their bark, or something like that. Kina chimed in, saying she was convinced this challenge would have to do with snakes. It’s an interesting postulate, but last time I checked, snakes don’t bark.

Turns out the intrepid Road Rulers had to defy a bunch of vicious guard dogs in a sort of bizarre canine version of Capture the Flag. The mission was vaguely appropriate in an episode where everyone seemed to turn into a bitch towards Nick. I’m sure any thematic symbolism of Nick being thrown to the dogs was purely coincidental though.

Ibis shows the determination of an inch worm

Everyone suited up in big, padded protective gear, which led to the show’s most amusing image: Ibis getting tackled by a German Shepherd. The dog angrily pounced on the unsuspecting cast member, causing her to topple over as if she had been slugged by a baseball bat. From that point on, the dog seemed to have her in a half-Nelson as she remained firmly face down on the grass. Talk about an utter lack of will power. It was great.

After her canine offender was quietly detained, Ibis devolved into a fit of bawling. I don’t know why exactly. I can’t imagine that she was actually hurt. She was probably just massively humiliated, but hey, that’s Bunim/Murray’s calling card. Ibis and her partner Derrick lost their first attempt at the challenge, but don’t worry, they got a second chance. Before that though, the mission mayors popped on screen again to passive aggressively tell the cast that they in fact did warn of the second dog, so, yeah, you suck. I don’t know what it is with these mission mayors, but they always seem to inject a random doses of PA into the proceedings – like when they accused Kina of cheating on the drawing challenge. Not that I’m complaining. The awkwardness is always strangely appealing.

Nevertheless, the self-absorbed cast didn’t even seem to notice their instructors and just went on with the mission gung-ho, easily winning their X-Treme Key. Nick proved to be more adept than Ibis at controlling the dogs, but even then, the group felt he could be better. This was a minor shock to me. After all the Nick haterade early in the show, I thought for sure we’d be in for classic Bunim/Murray misdirection where everyone would be singing his praises by the final frames. But no! The cast still sort of didn’t like him by the end of the episode – or at least by the 28th minute of the show (the TVgasm Tivo abruptly cut off the last two minutes). I’d like to think that I didn’t miss anything significant, but you never know. Sometimes the producers love tacking on hasty and pat resolutions; the sort of codas I just love tearing apart. Damn you, Tivo!