Don’t Hate The Playa, Hate The… Oh Wait, Hate The Playa

Memo to attack dogs of the world: you won’t have Ibis to toss around anymore. In what has become a now weekly ritual of purging the team of some cancerous member, the plucky kids on Road Rules: X-Treme sent weepy Ibis to the curb. It was a surprise decision, considering that for the entire episode, all anyone could do was talk about voting off Nick, but in the end, it was Ibis who sacrificed herself to the Road Rules graveyard. What a champ.To be honest, even with the blatant Bunim/Murray misdirection, it seemed like Nick might get the heave-ho this episode. He had all those things going against him – you know, like athletic prowess, quiet modesty, pacific demeanor. Clearly he didn’t belong. Actually, the real problem he’s faced since he joined the crew a few weeks ago has been his official role as outsider. Before Nick even surfaced, Patrick et al. were proclaiming their hatred for Danny’s replacement, and then when Nick unsurprisingly shied away from these bitter people, they derided him for not wanting to hang out with them. Some would call it classic self-fulfilling prophecy. The Roadies would just call it “Not cool, man.”

Of course, with Ibis’s ouster came a new appreciation for Nick. Suddenly Derrick and Patrick, who had been the most anti-social towards the guy, retracted their previously assholish behavior with Patrick babbling that any hostile attitude towards Nick “was more playful than serious”. Yeah, he’s right. I mean, I often try to make someone feel like a lonely outsider to be playful. Doesn’t everyone? I’m sure this change in attitude was influenced less by Patrick and Derrick’s introspection than their realization that with Ibis gone, the old crew (or Road Rules X-Treme Classic) no longer holds the majority.

One thing we learned last night was that Nick finally has an ally in newbie Angela. The wardrobe designer from LA thankfully dropped her “I’m so much more mature” attitude, but curiously, that big, blue growth on her neck remained. Some might call it a flower choker, but considering that it hasn’t moved in two weeks, we might be dealing with some sort of pedaled tumor.

With angst abounding in the RV, the group drove off to Buenos Aires where they met their new and, once again, increasingly hot Mission Mayors. The actual challenge this episode was somewhat better than previous ones this season, and I was pleased to see a definitive lack of blindfolds this time around. The roommates had to pair off in teams and stand on top of an eight foot platform, clutching each other’s arms. A roaring (and highly unnecessary) Mac truck would zoom by and pull the platform out from under the kiddos. Team members had to jump off at the right time and land on their purdy little feet.

Everyone paired up along the lines of physical stature. Someone theorized that if a large person like Patrick teamed up with a small person like Angela, the large person would fall faster and increase the risk of failure. I guess no one ever tooks Physics 101. Otherwise they would have known that all objects fall at the same rate, regardless of size or mass. But who am I to expect, you know, any ounce of education from these guys?

Ibis, as usual, expressed doubt about the group’s strategy, and in this case, she was right. They all should have paired up a weak person with a strong person so that someone could serve as an anchor upon landing. Instead, hapless Ibis wound up with Angela, who’s about as unX-treme as they come. While most girls would wear a sports bra on Road Rules, Angela donned a lacey, pink, frilly thing that foreshadowed certain doom. Going first, Angela and Ibis stood upon their platform like a pair of sea lions on a rock. Basically, the truck zoomed by and they forgot that all important element to the challenge: jumping. The two girls went toppling down with a huge thud. Traumatized, Angela cried “I don’t want to do it again!” Listen, it’s not like you were just submitted to electroshock therapy.

When the other two teams passed with flying colors, Team Angibis climbed up the platform again and this time actually paid attention to the rate at which the truck was going. They managed to jump off in time, and some creative editing made it look like they had actually stuck the landing, but the glum Mission Mayors – who by the way aren’t nearly as passive aggressive as the Santiago ones – informed them that they had failed. Slow-mo replays revealed that Ibis’s ass could not defy gravity as her tush grazed the landing pad before Angela yanked her up. No oversized chokers could deny this evidence.

And so came the standard voting ceremony, but this time, Ibis actually brought an air of maturity to the proceedings by nominating herself. Wow, someone actually took personal responsibility for their actions. Knowing that they’d look like assholes if they voted Nick off in the face of this selfless act, Patrick and Derrick and Jodi changed their minds and hopped on the Ibis train. Angela didn’t vote because, as she explained, she’s immune to voting. Um, so if I don’t want to do something, can I just say I’m immune to it? You know, like I’m immune to work, or I’m immune to laundry, or I’m immune to taxes.

As Ibis crawled into her taxi of dejection, she passionately told the team to “please win”. I hate to tell you this Ibis, but it’s not like there’s a chance the team might lose the handsome reward. It’s only you who won’t get it. That’s okay, you’re tired. With tears in her eyes and cheesy flashbacks on the screen, Ibis rode off to become a Real World/Road Rules Challenge afterthought while Jodi waxed philosophically at the homestead: “I’m beginning to feel like a major loser.”

Don’t worry, babe. We knew it all along.