Driver’s Ed

Let me just start off by saying thank you to those who read my columns. This week was painfully boring, but I enjoy reading your comments, keep ‘em comin!

As usual we start with the Pit challenge this week. If you’ll flash back to last week, you’d remember that David got voted in to the Pit. He wanted to make that clear to all of us that he didn’t volunteer himself, he got voted in. You say potato I say who gives a F? Well, who did America vote in to face David? Shane of course. Somehow I feel like Jerry, Monte, Ivory and Kristen (who?) will never get their fair shake. Personally, I want to see Tori, Kina, Angel and Veronica on the RV at the same time, I mean that is just oozing with potential. To the jump!

So it is David against Shane in the Pit for a spot on the RV. Shane tells us that “everyone has this perception of me of not being strong just because I fuck men”. Woahhhh woah woah there buddy, we don’t need to delve into that issue. We think you are weak because you order Wet Pussies at the bar. Right off the bat you have to think if it is anything physical, David will dominate because, well, he is the size of Earth. If it is a duel of who can make a cosmopolitan the fastest, then just give Shane his ticket to the RV before it even starts.

The Pit Challenge is called “Fumble”. David and Shane stand about 15 feet from each other and in the center is a football suspended from a string. When Drew blows the whistle, the football drops and the goal is to pick up the football and cross your opponents starting line first. First person to do that twice wins. Could that make this any more lopsided? Hey instead of David and Shane, let’s replace them with Ray Lewis and Michael Flatley, that’s about the same ratio.

Round one and we see David in the 3 point stance ready to pounce on the ball. Whistle blows and David picks it up (along with Shane) and plows his way across Shane’s line. That was quick. Shane tells us that it feels like he “hit a brick f’ing wall”, well that’s generally what happens with you are giving up 100+ pounds to someone.1-0 David. Round two, the ball drops and bounces around for a bit, but David again dives on it first. There was a little bit of a struggle before David just mowed his way over Shane again. This challenge was over before it started. 2-0 David and a spot on the RV again.

As David is waiting outside for the RV to pick him up, he has nightmarish dreams about the RV’ers voting him in to the Pit last week. I love how it is edited; past events in slow motion, everything is blurry, spooky music playing in the background. I’m sure he lost a lot of sleep over it. David was probably sitting there thinking about what he is going to eat next, not what happened a week ago. But he tells us that he isn’t as happy to see the RV this week as he was last week, because he knows they don’t really want him there. Good, so no nakedness right? THAT is what deserves the nightmarish dream flashback. Tori tells us that she is still furious at David because he told the cameras, and not her, that she was fake. She would rather have Shane come back on the RV even though they don’t get along either. Tori is just making all sorts of friends, isn’t she?

Now we get to the height of the episode! David arrives on the bus and no one is excited to see him. You could just cut the tension with a knife! David says he might as well get it all out on the table now and not put on a front for the rest of the week. Tori wants David to say what he said to the camera, but to her face. So David calls her fake and claims she has been fake since day 1. David says “you’ve been playing both sides of the game and you are going to do the same thing to him (Derek) as you did to Dan. You cock teasing bitch!” Apparently David isn’t trying to win over the RV anymore. Tori looks at him horrified, looks like David must’ve struck a nerve! Now Susie gets in to it and says “you think this is just 1 on 1?!” referring to David and Tori “well YOU BETTER GUESS AGAIN, NOBODY MESSES WITH TORI.” David then says “or what?”. Susie replies “or you ARE DONNNNEEEEE”. Tori then yells that he is going in to the Pit no matter what because the RV’ers don’t give a shit about him.

Susie then stands up and gets in David’s face while he is sitting down. Not one to back down, David then stands up and is right in Susie’s face. Tori gets livid because David stood up to Susie, yells “you’re a bitch!” to David and then promptly sits down as he walks away. Tori starts sobbing and confesses she tried to like him, but she can never ever trust him again. One little fight and the trust is out the window? That doesn’t bode well for David and his hopes of staying on the RV.

Tempers calm down and David and Tori decide to talk again. David says for the first time he felt as if Tori was being real with him. Tori says she isn’t voting him in the Pit because she hates him, she’s voting him in because this is a game. What? Isn’t the object to win the game? Didn’t David dominate the snow and mud missions? Whatevs.

David then apologizes, not for calling her fake, but for calling her names. Personally, I don’t think he needed to apologize for anything. Just because he called her a cock teasing bitch isn’t really that far out of reality. Here is a hypothetical situation and you tell me what you think. Guy likes girl, girl flirts with guy, guy flirts back, guy wants to take it a step further, girl keeps flirting, girl knows guy wants her, girl smashes him down saying nothing will happen. To help decode my “hypothetical”, substitute Dan for guy and Tori for girl. Hope that helps. Tori is a tease.

Back to the show and the crew gets their new mission. “You are going to get face to face with some assassins”. Adam looks petrified and says “what?!?!”. Oh my God, what if they really do come face to face with a REAL assassin! The gang is sitting around a camp fire when a bunch of loud motorcycles and dune buggies start kicking up some dirt. Frightening huh? Susie says she doesn’t understand what is going on. Then Kina frantically tells us she is having an anxiety attack and starts to panic. She starts crying and screams “what’s happening????” then runs off behind the RV. This, ladies and gentlemen, was the single funniest thing I have ever seen on this show. I rewound this 4 second clip so many times, I thought my DVR was going to break. You have got to see this for yourself, words don’t do it justice. To Kina’s credit, it was night time and all you could really see were headlights. I know that would’ve sent me packing. Anyways, we head to commercial break thinking Mad Max is about to attack the RV’ers.

Flash to the Anderson Dry Lake Bed in theMohave Desert . Sadly no Mad Max or Thunderdome. But we DO have Cameron Steel, leader of the Desert Assassins. He wants to see if the RV’ers could be worthy teammates. He says it takes more than a pretty face (flash to Kina rolling her eyes) and a cool mohawk (flash to David with a shit-eating grin) to be an assassin! You’re right you have to be mother f’ing hardcore to drive a dune-buggy. Oh and guess what? They get to drive a dune-buggy that is leading in the points championship! My questions are: What is a dune-buggy points championship? Who races dune-buggies to obtain points for a championship? Who cares about people who drive dune-buggies in theMohave Desert ?

This is a two part mission. The first part is to drive 6 miles in teams of two. Each group will drive 2 miles and then switch. In order to win the $10k for this mission, they have to complete the run in under 15 minutes. David tells us he can’t drive a manual transmission, but yet he volunteers to go first AND to be the driver. Good to see the RV’ers use common sense when selecting the teammates. The groups are David and Susie, Kina and Derek, Adam and Tori, in that order. After the first leg, Kina takes the wheel. They don’t really show much except that after the first two legs, their elapsed time was14:05 . Ok everyone knows my beef with the clock countdown, if they win this leg of the mission, I’ll stop watching the show.

Adam drove Tori to finish it up and thankfully the timer made sense, the total time was19:15 . Nowhere close to completing it on time. Here is the thing that gets me though; one of the “assassins” gave Adam praise for finishing it so quickly. He did it in5:10 . If everyone did it as fast as him, they still would’ve lost. Looks like MTV didn’t plan the rules on the mission too well.

The second part of the mission was to go off a jump and try to get as much distance as possible. They will take the top 2 distances and if those two amounts are greater than 159 feet, that part of the mission would be a success. David volunteers to go first again and gets 68 feet. Here is how everyone else did:

Adam 58 feet

Tori 57 feet

So it all comes down to Derek. Since the best jump so far was 68 feet, he’d need a 91 foot jump to win. Although, they already lost the first part of the mission, so I don’t know exactly what they would win. Anyways, he got 67 feet and leaving them, yet again, way off the mark.

David and Derek ended up with the longest jumps, yet they are the ones targeted to go into the Pit again. The Desert Assassins all agree with a hearty thumbs down that the RV’ers aren’t worthy enough to be an Assassin. Damn, all that hard work for nothing. They really shot down Adam’s thoughts of pursuing the Assassins after this is all over.

Enough of the REAL show, we want some more drama! Cut back to the RV and David is reading the blogs once again. Shocker he decides to read everyone’s comments on Tori aloud. Every one that he read aloud said that they wanted Tori in the Pit. By the way, he is reading these with Tori standing right beside him. Tori tells us that she’s not happy about David reading her comments and he didn’t learn anything from Angel. Angel took a bad attitude to the RV and got sent back to the Pit Crew. But the difference is David didn’t come in with a chip on his shoulder and he actually contributed to the missions. So what is Tori talking about?

Well, with a little twist at the deliberation, Derek decides to volunteer himself into the Pit. He says both he and David have agreed to put their necks on the line once for each other and that’s it. Derek knew they were voting David in if he hadn’t volunteered himself in first. David says that if they keep targeting him and keep voting him in, he will turn into the biggest asshole ever. How can you blame him?

So the episode ends with Derek trusting the RV’ers not to vote him back in the Pit if he comes back on the bus and David worried about working things out with Tori. Blah, blah blah. What did you guys think? Do you think David and Tori will work it out over the next week? Weren’t you glad Drew only showed up for less than 5 seconds? Do you think the Desert Assassins were the most bad ass human beings that have ever walked the face of the Earth?