Lifes A Beach

This week’s Road Rules was unlike any other! People acting completely stupid and illogical, catty fights over nothing, and Road Ruler’s being so childish you want to punch them in the face! Oh, wait, never mind, that is the recipe for every single episode. It was your weekly ho-hum episode except MTV started to really expose how much of an asshole Adam is.

We start off with Derek and Susie in the Pit challenge. Since they lost the Extreme Challenge last week, both of them got voted in. They were matched up against Dan and Veronica. Sorry Monte, Jerry, Ivory and Kristen, your .3 seconds of fame are cooked, even with 3 weeks to go.

The game is called Knock Out. Pretty simple, both teammates get attached to each other at the hip and each has a big pad that they hold. The object is to knock the other team out of the ring that they start in. Once the whistle blows, it is basically a giant cluster F. The guys are doing most of the pushing while the girls are just falling over each other. After a few seconds of pounding each other with big foam cushions, we cut to commercial. They couldn’t even cut to commercial at a good part? That tells you how lame this challenge was.

In typical MTV cookie cutter episode fashion, we don’t learn who won the challenge right away. First we have to check in with the RV and all their speculation as to who might’ve won. Adam tells us they need Derek and Susie back because if they don’t, everything gets changed around. AKA Adam gets voted into the Pit. Don’t say the RV needs Derek and Susie back, YOU need them to come back (1). David tells us he’s feeling better after racking his balls on the BMX bike last week. His actual quote was “My balls have tooken (phonetically spelled) the texture of chewed steak”. Thanks for completely ruining steak for me. David also adds that he wants people to come back on the bus that he can trust “meaning the Pit Crew people”. He really isn’t doing anything to try and patch his relationship with the RV’ers is he?

Eventually we get a flashback of what happened in the challenge. It honestly took two seconds, Derek and Susie bum-rushed Dan and Veronica to win in no time at all. I have no idea what they were showing before the commercial. After the win in .19 seconds, I wonder if the Director looked at everyone like “hmmm, well that didn’t go as planned, roll it again, but this time hit each other with the pads more so it looks like it was actually competitive, we’ll just edit it later.” The RV crew picks up the new winners Derek and Susie and there is glee and jubilation everywhere.After Derek and Susie get done explaining what happened to everyone, Adam says “So you guys ready to get out of here?”. Actually no, we’d prefer to sit on the side of the road in the middle of a sand dune for a few more hours, but thanks for asking tool! (2)

We’re back on the RV and Tori starts to read the blogs again (not tvgasm, damn it). Shame, shame Tori, don’t you know that always causes unnecessary drama? While she is reading, David is literally picking his nose and eating it. It’s not the hilarious trick of picking your nose and then chewing on a different finger, he is honestly inserting his pointer finger in his nose and then directly placing it back on his tongue. Heinous. Anyways, Jessie O calls out Tori on the blog, Tori responds by turning to the camera and saying she loves the Pit Crew, but if it means sacrificing herself for one of them to get on the RV, she won’t do it (plus a little head nod to affirm her reasoning). OH SNAP, Jessie O, you just got owned son!

The phone rings with the new clue and tells them to “Charge on down to San Diego and Qualcomm Stadium”. God I am praying a roided up Shawne Merriman tears them a new one some how. We join Drew in the stadium who tries to pump up the RV’ers by introducing them to theeEEE!!!!……wait….no Chargers? The Pit Crew members come running out of the tunnel. Major let down. I think MTV felt bad for the 4 Pit Crew’ers who thought they were going to become famous from this show. Sorry, losers, nobody cares about any of you. Dan is psyched and says it’s time for redemption. Dan, buddy, you haven’t done dick to back up your comments. You haven’t seen the RV since late ’87 and haven’t won a Pit challenge in even longer, you got nothin’! Shane tells us he has been working his ass off to get on the RV. Soooo…you have been campaigning with America to get us to vote for you? Makes sense. Ivory says the RV’ers are scumbags and Kristen (seriously…who??) says the RV’ers are going to get their asses kicked. 10:1 odds on the RV’ers winning.

The mission is going to be a flag football game on the beach tomorrow, but they need to practice. Time to introduce the coaches! Antonio Gates? LaDanian Tomlinson? Philip Rivers? Antonio Cromarte? Quentin Jammer? Michael Turner? Oh, all of them have lives? Damn. Ok, call in Marcus McNeil and Kassim Osgood. To their credit, they are both Pro-Bowlers, just not the household names I was looking for. Marcus will be coaching the Pit Crew and Kassim obviously will be coaching the RV’ers. David is totally pumped up saying he watched both players in college. Eh hem, Kassim went to San Diego State and Marcus attended Auburn. You followed a Mountain West team and an offensive lineman ? Stop sucking the teat of the NFL, David.

The gang starts practice and Ivory starts yelling at Tori because she has been fake since the beginning. How many times have we heard that? We GET IT! Tori sucks at life! Personally, I think it stems from the fact that Ivory is a hideous lesbian beast, while Tori is a good looking beauty queen. That and Ivory’s teeth look like they’ve gotten beaten by the ugly tree. But who am I to judge? Ivory tells us that she doesn’t give a shit about anyone there and “when I’m in New Yawk, ya’ll best bee-lee I a’int thinkin about any ya’ll asses. Best bee-lee”. God, that made me want to throw up. Microsoft Word about had a conniption when I wrote that sentence in. Yet, Susie tells her that she in fact, does believe. That actually made me laugh…barely. Ivory responds with “suck my fucking strap bitch”. You stay classy San Diego.

At the beach we learn that “Big E” will be the referee today. Who you might ask, is Big E? Well, he is the cock diesel brother from all the Under Armour ads (CLICK, CLACK). Long time Chargers running back, coach, and announcer, Hank Bauer will be doing the announcing today. How exciting! The teams are split up and Derek takes the quarterbacking duties for the RV’ers while Jerry takes over for the Pit Crew. The game starts right off with a Touchdown pass from Derek to Adam. The Pit Crew gets the ball back and it gets snapped over Jerry’s head. He scrambles to get rid of it and launches it in the air only to be picked off. At this point I must tell you that I judge a man on how well he can throw a spiral and Jerry is rating at about a Clinton Kelly right now. Derek passes to David for another quick TD and David does the Shawne Merriman lights out dance. He actually does it pretty well, goooooOOOOOOO David!

On one of the next series, Ivory pulls on Tori’s jersey around which causes Tori to flip out and scream at Ivory “GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME”. Ivory says “it’s just defense, if you can’t take it, don’t line up where I have to defend you.” Just re-read that sentence for a second. It’s just defense, if you can’t take it, don’t line up where I have to defend you. As you can tell, Ivory isn’t the smartest tool in the shed. So what does she have going for her? Survey sayssss!!!!!!!! NOTHING!

The first quarter ends and the RV’ers are up 14-0. Surprise rule update! Whatever team is behind at the end of a quarter gets one Hail Mary from their teams coach before the quarter starts. Marcus throws a duck to Jerry on the side of the endzone and somehow comes down with the ball. Now the score is 14-7. Adam bitches to the camera and says Jerry was wide open! DAVID WHERE WERE YOU? Actually, he got tripped up right before Jerry caught the ball. Calm down douche. (3) I think MTV felt bad for the slaughtering that was about to ensue. The guys on each team were Adam, Derek and David versus Jerry, Dan and Shane (Monte was getting a pedicure). Not exactly balanced. Jerry throws another interception to Derek who then tells the camera that it was a defensive struggle. I wouldn’t call it a defensive struggle as much I would say it was offensive ineptitude.

Now time for some drama, kind of. Tori makes a catch and then collides into Ivory and Dan. Ivory tells the camera “ha ha bitches”, like a 5th grader. If I ever see her on camera again it’ll be too soon. Dan says “I collided with a body, I look over and it’s Tori! How funny is that?” Actually Dan, on a scale of 1-10 on the laugh-o-meter, I’d say that’s about a -42, as in, not funny at all….really. Of course Tori is hurt, so we jump to the commercial.

Kina says if Tori can’t play then they are DQ’ed. Couldn’t Tori just stand out there pretending to play and they’d be a man down? Apparently not. I don’t know if it was a shadow or not, but there actually was a GIANT lump on Tori’s leg. The Under Armour guy was screaming at everyone to get back so he could get in for a closer look, but I doubt he is medically certified to make any kind of judgment here. The medic comes over and after a little massaging, Tori can play again. Crisis averted!

David throws a TD pass to Derek who makes a diving catch to pull in the reception. As he is running towards the end-zone Adam is screaming at him to lateral the ball, which Derek does. Good thing he did it quickly because the only other person catching up to him was Ivory. I hate ball hogs like Adam. (4) The RV’ers score a million more TD’s but only get credit for a total of 7. Game over 49-15. They also showed a great one handed interception by Derek which he ran back for a TD. As much as I hate giving praise to any of these idiots, it was seriously a good catch.

Now for deliberation! Veronica (has to get her air time) tells us that she feels sorry for David and Derek, she knows they are getting played. Ok, enough Veronica, go back to the Pit Crew now. The gang up on David begins with Kina saying he hasn’t volunteered in a month and Adam saying he just doesn’t put himself in that situation. Susie tells everyone that David wasn’t THAT good today. Adam asks why he didn’t play up to his potential. You routed the other team 49-15, in flag football on the beach! How much potential are you expecting?! (5)

Derek says based on their agreement and recent performance, he is voting for David, he thought David would do better on offense. You know, because, David is the prototypical stud wide receiver. David complains that based on performance, Kina didn’t have a touchdown and Adam had personal fouls called against him. Touche! Adam tells the camera that he has been here 12 weeks and if he has a bad week on week 13, 14 or 15, who cares, he is done volunteering. Stop being a douche Adam and step up. (6) Susie says based on performance, he is voting David in because of LAST week (which by the way Susie failed too). Adam says last week he didn’t want to go in the Pit and they saved his ass. (7) Actually, no they didn’t, they threw Derek under the bus because they wanted the best chance of Susie coming back. If they put David in and he lost, Susie was lost with him. David says the voting strategy changes from week to week and as he is leaving the bus, they all say bye and he doesn’t say a word back. Bad vibes all around. That’s how it ends with everyone basically hating David.

What did you all think? Shitty episode huh? Does David have the right to be P.O.’ed? Do you hope Ivory gets mauled by a wild tiger? Can you not wait until next weeks episode??!?! Oh by the way, the numbers in the parenthesis were the numbers of instances where I wanted to smash Adam in the face with a mallet. 7 times in one episode, that seems about right.