Recap: Road Rules: Road Rulers Make Water Rescues but Stupidity Remains a Difficult Save

There are probably many people out there that wonder how shows like Road Rules can still gain our interest. After almost fifty seasons worth of Real World, Road Rules, and The Challenge, spanning over 300 contestants, it’s not like the personalities of any of the people they introduce to us are going to be very far from what we have come to expect, but that’s OK. Like I said last week, it’s enjoyable to watch these kids sort through their problems while rolling Griswold-style in their RVs. Or, as was the case this week, cause lots of problems for themselves when everything seems to be going smoothly. You can live in your parents’ basement, wear a ones every day of the week, and ride a big wheel to work, but it would still not make you as juvenile as any of these people. And honestly, would we have it any other way?Before we get started on the new episode, there was the slight matter of an elimination to go through. A lot of people were a little confused last week by the voting, and by a “a lot” I mean “everyone”. They didn’t say how long the voting would last, for the people who were kicked off the RV, but they did say that you can vote for the people from the pit crew starting at 10AM every Saturday. We still have plenty of episodes, so I am sure that at least a few of us will get the hang of it eventually,

In this elimination, Veronica was picked to go against Tori, and in a little bit of a surprise, Tori won. I picked Veronica AND Tori because I thought Veronica would eat Tori alive, get back to the RV and then cause lots of problems with Susie, Kina, and Adam. Just like I expected, the competition was a slaughter, but to my surprise, it was Tori who wiped the floor with Veronica. Their challenge, a sort of tug of war where they both tried to get to a flag really didn’t favor somebody so petite and with short legs like Veronica. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would say they wanted Veronica to lose, only to make her more upset when she came back, but that would be irresponsible of me.

Tori and Shane were plopped on the side of the road somewhere to wait for their teammates to pick them up and you can just imagine how excited Susie and Kina were to see that the brunette they were picking up was indeed Tori. To tell you the truth the return was anti-climactic, but once the season rolls along and we get a little more drama, they should pick up. I am actually desperately hoping that they lose two missions, which would force a lot more turnover in the cast of the RV. If people are constantly coming in and out, the strategizing about who to make friends with becomes much more difficult.

The Road Rulers got their message about being swift, and when they met THE ROADMASTER, Drew Bell, he filled them in. One of the good things about this show happening in real-time is that the producers get to make changes on the fly. Apparently, there was enough bitching about Drew Bell’s completely superfluous hand gesturing that they told THE ROADMASTER to simmer down a bit. Granted, he now looks like he is trying to keep his arms perfectly still when he talks, which is also strange, but much less annoying. Overall, there was a lot less Drew this week so we will deal. However, my offer still stands. I will make a smiley face on my ass with magic marker and audition to host this show. And if they say I don’t have enough experience, they can always ask Rip Torn to do the same thing. Wouldn’t THAT be a sight to see?

So, the mission is a swift water rescue. The Road Rulers would be trained by an actual swift water rescue team and then would have to perform a rescue themselves. When I heard about the challenge, I thought of two things. A) Did the person who came up with this challenge also pay to watch The Guardian in theaters? B) What are the chances that Sergeant Keach, the head of the rescue team and Mike Holmgren doppelganger, is in the fireman’s bowling league and has a custom bowling shirt with the nickname “The Walrus”?

I thought the challenge looked fun, but in typical Road Rules style, they immediately tried to convince us that the task was about a thousand times more dangerous than it appeared. The water was cold…and it was moving! Well, if cold, moving water was so deadly, somebody should shut down Hurricane Harbor right now! I mean how dangerous could it be. It would be one thing if you had to do all of this while Kevin Bacon and John C. Riley had taken your family hostage, but what did any of them have to lose? Would anybody really be that shaken up if Kina got pushed out to sea and never came back?

During practice, Tori did go under when Shane didn’t give her enough slack as she was attempting to do a rescue. They were saying how she could have died and I guess some of you could say that this validates what Abram was saying about the water being unpredictable. You would also be a dumbass. I might have been scared that somebody was going to get hurt if it wasn’t for the PROFESSIONAL SWIFT WATER RESUCE TEAM that was ten feet away. I was never worried that they were going to get hurt; watching March of the Penguins was a much more harrowing experiment.

It turns out that Tori was pretty much well liked by everybody on the team. She spent a few moments talking about her life growing up and in pageants and her preacher father. I hope she has a secret meth addiction or something, because she is way too nice for this cutthroat game.

The next day, everybody got ready for their mission. Sergeant Keach would be evaluating their performance on two different rescues, each with a different rescue team. The sarge must have been pretty worried about putting an actual life in their hands, so he said that they would also be picking two people to be victims. They would only be given one chance to finish, and if anybody passed through the little jetty and into the ocean, the mission would be over

The first of the big decisions was figuring out who would play the victims, and the teams decided that it would be Adam and Kina, because they are the most comfortable in the water. I don’t know about you, but if I was picking somebody to pluck another person out of moving water, I would want to choose somebody who is comfortable in the water. Why pick your best swimmers to be the victims?

Anyway, Adam and Kina went off to prepare to be saved while the rest awaited a dispatch call to rescue them. Once that call came in, the teams (Shane and Susie, Abram and Tori) got into their gear and got into position. Adam was the first to come down the “rapids” and they literally dropped him in the water on one side of the bridge, waited for him to go under, and then rescued him on the other side. I am estimating that he traveled less than fifty yards in the water. Shane was a little surprised at how the current carried him, but he made it to Adam and completed the rescue without much problem.

I was starting to feel a little upset. They should have thrown a couple of cadavers or sharks with laser beams attached to their heads into that river. Something, anything to throw them a little curve ball. Kina was the second to go and this rescue was also kind of weak. It consisted of Kina swimming towards a sling that had been lowered to the water by the rescue team. I guess that is why they picked a good swimmer.

The Walrus said they did a peachy job, and they put $10,000 into their bank, for a total of $20,000. That is the easy part. The difficult part was picking somebody to face elimination, or was it? The day that they were all going to pick, it looked like it was going to be a pretty leisurely time. Everybody was laying by the pool and nobody was sweating the votes because Susie volunteered to go in (Tori was immune since it was her first week in the RV) and Adam even stepped up to ho in himself. Wow, could it all be that simple?

HELL NO!

I wondered who the hell would start trouble without Veronica around, and I we didn’t have to look any farther than Abram. He was really upset about the volunteering plan because he thought that it wouldn’t work every week. He has been complaining about it from the beginning, and I can see his point of view, but I don’t know why he would make such a fuss about it this week. Maybe he knew that he would be the next one encouraged to “volunteer” next week and he didn’t like the plan. Whatever his thought process was, he let it be known, and he and Adam got into a shouting match.

At first, it was simply the type of stuff you are used to seeing on any of these shows. There is a “you’re stupid” here and a “shut up” there, which escalates to a “you’re a punk” and “you’re a douchebag”. Again, I thought Abram was being a little unreasonable, but if Adam was trying to gain Abe’s trust, he was going about it in the wrong way. Abe was worried that Adam would fuck him over eventually, and I find this strange because Abram said that you have to take the game one week at a time. If he is worried that Adam will fuck him over, he should do it next week. Adam may not even be back, so why cause all the problems?

Eventually, Adam said that he was more of a man than Abram will every be, and from there, it was only a few more moments before the macho posturing started and then a few moments more before Abram threw the first punch. Adam had pretty good instincts and got out of the way, but the fight continued. Shane tried to get in the middle of it for a moment, but these guys were not going to stop for anything. Kina and Tori were crying on the side (btw, why do girls think that crying when guys fight will help anything), but Adam eventually got control of the situation.

Almost immediately, Abram said he was done, but that punch probably sealed his fate anyway. Oh the irony! Two times he was on Road Rules and two times he gets into unnecessary fights that get him thrown off. It’s really too bad because I like Abram on these shows because of that unpredictability.

Abram’s departure also changed up the elimination. Instead of voting somebody into the pit, two guys from the pit crew would duke it out to join the RV. It sucks that Abram left, but I think that in the long run, it is better to get a new face into the RV. Don’t forget to vote at http://roadrules.mtv.com.

What did you think of the episode? Did Abram deserve to go home? Who are you voting to put into the RV?