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I really have nothing left ot say about Road Rules: X-Treme. I should never have established a pattern of writing weekly columns about it because frankly, I’ve run out of material. Yes, every week provides a new episode and opportunities to bash these people, but after about the fourteenth new castmate and sixty-fourth high altitude challenge, I just don’t know what to comment on. OKay, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic. After all, there were some nuggets in this penultimate episode of the season. We had Patrick getting drunk and trying to load up his PA cannon (that’s Passive Aggressive, in case you’re new to my lingo), we had an intense medical box cliffhanger, and we had just general neediness from the Jillian camp. So I guess I do have some new areas to complain about. Yay!The quality meter for last night’s episode reached instant suck right off the bat as we innocent viewers were subjected to the cutesy image of Patrick and Jillian brushing each other’s teeth. I’m not sure that four out of five dentists recommend this method. But why even brush your teeth when you’re just being so darn sugary sweet? Aww. I guess the lovebirds care about oral hygiene. Jillian admitted that what was once a physical attraction was now a deep emotional relationship. I suppose their mutual appreciation for fine dental care has led to a more thoughtful level of bonding. Patrick’s view was a little different. Basically, he just needed a penis recepticle.
Eventually, after we’d had enough of this questionable love affair, the team’s T-Mobile phone twinkled to life, and a text clue hinted that the kids would have to go to a ski lodge and rescue someone. Angela immediately freaked out over the prospect of having to swim in cold water. I personally guessed it would be something to do with a St. Bernard, you know, because they were going up a mountain. Turns out we were both wrong, although I was closest (there was a St. Bernard present during the challenge, fyi). The group had to perform a gondola rescue, a decently interesting mission which required some tightrope grappling and standard rappelling. This certainly wasn’t a bad mission, and its simple, straightforward nature kept it from seeming like a forced attempt at being X-Treme. Still, there wasn’t much that was remarkable about this challenge either except for some inclement weather that numbed all the fingers and toes of our plucky heros. Just about the only thing Bunim/Murray could do to create any sort of suspense was throw in a stupid commercial break cliffhanger regarding a medical box that Nick was supposed to tote along in the mission. The producers tried to have us believe that Nick would forget the box. I spent the entire commercial break sitting on the edge of my seat, but that was because I changed the channel to the Vikings/Eagles game. When I came back, Nick had soundly remembered the medical box, thus putting an end to the most exciting medical box rappelling stunt EVER.
It should be noted that in the midst of all this craziness, Angela did have a wonderfully appropriate comment. Patrick, who usually dons the role of leader/athletic powerhouse, was assigned the role of “victim” in this challenge, a move that somewhat bothered Angela. “I think I make a better victim,” she noted, and based on her self-serving tears and tantrums and petty observations, I think she’s right. To the blue-choker’d one’s credit though, she managed to get through the arduous challenge with a minimum of complaints and sniffles. We’ll see how long that lasts.
After winning their latest X-Treme key, the team retired back to their RV where Patrick took the time to apparently get drunk and then reminisce about his ex-girlfriend. Understandably, Jillian became miffed and left the room (ex-girlfriends really ruin a good stalking). When Angela explained to Patrick why her former nemesis might be mad, he just responded with a “She knows her role.” Normally, that comment would be fairly offensive, but we have to remember that this is a Bunim/Murray production, and these people are actually playing roles. So I say it ain’t no thang.
Okay, well, maybe it was extremely harsh. At least Jillian didn’t erupt into a bag of tears the way Kina or Ibis would have (remember them?). Instead, Jillian and Angela tangled themselves together in a very lipstick lesbian way and talked about Patrick. I really should have taken a still because the image of the two girls’s legs all intertwined and in the shadow of Jillian’s prominent bootay was really one of the more bizarre and strangely titilating of the season. While the girls engaged in naughty legwork, Derrick tried to talk some sense into Patrick, who had just finished babbling to his ex on the phone. Derrick told Patrick that he’s got to stop toying with Jillian because he’s just going to hurt her, to which Patrick slurred some stupid answer that had something to do with him being invincible. Shut up, Patrick. You look like Ben Affleck, and that’s not a good thing anymore.
Nick, for all of you who care, was silent through this saga.
Next week appears to be the final episode of this drawn out season. It looks like Angela will be screwing things up for the team, which is awesome. Here’s to another triumphant season preparing to wrap up.