Road Rules? Can I go Iraq instead?

By. Hit_Em_Upton

Well guys we have another week of Road Rules and another action packed episode! OK maybe I am just kidding, but I need a hook to get more people to read! I did want to mention that, like other new writers, I am looking for some constructive criticism. What do you like, what don’t you like, too long, too short, I should never write a recap again? Anything at all! I’m all ears.

Enough of the small talk, lets get to the episode! If you will remember from last week, Shane volunteered himself into the pit while Angel got voted in. That’s where we kick off this weeks episode, Shane and Angel in the Pit.

Who will they go up against? Looks like David and Susie. I guess this is falling right in to Susie’s big plan! Maybe she isn’t so dumb after all. Now if she could just come up with a plan not to look so pale all the time

I have teeny tiny legs

This Pit challenge is called “Fault Line”, the catch is that the RV’ers will be facing the Pit Crew members as a 2 on 2 battle royale. This game is set up by having all 4 members tied together by a rope at their waist. They start at the center of the ring and on either side are 2 yellow flags and 2 blue flags. The goal is to get all 4 of your flags before the other team.

It becomes immediately obvious that since David is a mammoth human being, this contest might be a little lopsided. To add to that, Angel isn’t happy (What? Angel not happy?) that she has to work with Shane because he voted her into the Pit in the first place. Angel wanted to prove her spot on her own (theme of the day) and not have to work with someone else. Consequently, Shane tells us that this is Angel’s time to show that she belongs on the RV. Pressure is on you Angel!

As they line up before the whistle blows, Angel looks like she is about to pass out. I think she knows she is about to get destroyed by David and his sexy Mohawk and pretty baby blue shirt.

Moments later, Dave ate Drew.

Honestly, has Angel done ANYTHING so far? She came in thinking these missions were going to be spoon fed to her, umm sorry hunnie, these missions are BRUTAL! She might just be the weakest competitor that MTV has ever lined up. But what Angel lacks in physical strength and intelligence, she makes up it for with drama! Perfect swap. She’s coming back next week I can feel it! David tells us he doesn’t care about Susie, he just wants to get the flag himself. David – it’s like a three legged race, you have to work as a team my man.

The whistle blows and instantly the crowd moves Davids way. Angel falls down and complains (shocker) about her knee. David then proceeds to pick Shane’s leg up and basically carry him and everyone else to one side to get the first set of flags. Angel is literally just lying on the ground and complaining and not moving at all. “What the freak is this?!” she cries, oh, that’s just David completely man-handling your team…. by himself.

I am all that is man!







We’ve come so far in 60 years

Shane somehow gets a burst of energy and takes out one of David’s legs and starts creeping towards the other side of the Pit so that he can get his own flag. Shane and Angel actually get close to grabbing a flag when all of a sudden David has a roid rage and drags all 3 of them with him back to the other side to grab the last flags. And just like that David and Susie will now be on the RV.

Please tell me that Angel will make an appearance again. I want to see her and Kina fight. I picture it going down like those old Bugs Bunny cartoons, Angel would punch Kina in the head, but her hair would act as steel and therefore break Angels hand. It might be farfetched, but hey, don’t knock a mans dream.

David says he has never been away from home so he is excited to get on the RV. We also have Adam tell us that David has literally never left home before, never gone on a trip. That’s actually pretty sad if you think about it. He tells us that he hopes everyone on the RV is eager to see him because they are going to see more of him than they would ever want to.

The next scene is David standing by the side of the road waiting for the RV completely butt naked. He is holding a backpack in front of his junk, thank the Lord, but he has nothing covering his hairy ass back, which was quite unsightly. Everyone was generally happy to see David and Susie instead of Shane.

Inside the RV Dan and Tori are checking the blogs and reading that everyone wants to see them get together and or kiss. Dan tells us that all they do is flirt but he wants to look past it, he doesn’t really feel as though his feelings are reciprocated.

This recap is brought to you by Cingular, Oakley & 1/3 of a banana

The RV’ers get the new mission and it reads “test your abilities among the few and the proud”. Dan is obviously pumped because he is a Marine and he probably wants to show off in front of the other RV’ers. Although I feel like the Marines there would probably make fun of him for choosing to be on a MTV reality show instead of staying in the corps. Kina tells us that as they pull up to the training site, she reads the sign that says “Marine Mountain Training Center” and she is terrified. Terrified of the sign? Kina, it’s just a sign, it can’t hurt you.

We are told that we are going to spend two days with Staff Sergeant Steve Morris and taught…..how to survive! Dun dun duhhhhhhhh! Cut to commercial.

Coming back from the commercial, David tells us he feels pressure and he wants to step up to the plate, to show he belongs. Ok, MTV, we get that. We know EVERY new contestant feels pressure. We don’t have to be told that 19 billions times an episode. I’d be willing to bet if Derek made the RV, he’d feel some pressure and feel the need to tell us about it.

The mission has 2 parts. First part is avalanche rescue, second part is survival. Staff Sergeant Steve tells us that there is a victim buried in the snow behind him and the crew has 8 minutes to put the snowshoes and climb up the mountain to the victim. Not a REAL victim people, it was a dummy, no need to get all worked up. Only problem is SS Steve talks in 3 word bursts, it makes it very hard to concentrate. Think of a poor mans William Shatner. Road Rules requires my full and undivided attention, but my mind keeps going off in tangents trying to think of what he is going to say next.

There is no chance they could make it up the hill in 8 minutes, in fact for the first time, I think MTV might’ve used some clever editing to fool us into thinking the RV’ers could pull it off. They are 4 minutes away according to the clock on the screen and still at the bottom of the hill. Susie tells us she’s already out of breath, yet she still has enough energy to yell at Adam for telling her to hustle. Way to pull your weight Susie. The crew gets there with just 30 seconds to spare! Phew! I was getting nervous. Next part of the mission is to locate the victim buried in the snow. They are given 15 minutes to find the dummy. They find it with 4 minutes to go, but I have to mention that they are driving the shovels into the snow with reckless abandon trying to get snow out of the way. That’s all well and good, but if that had been a real person and the shovel had hit him at mach 20, byebye arm, leg, spleen, or maybe even all of the above.

Susie’s keen intellect tells us “the dummy is heavy, just like a real person”. You know, I sat here for minutes trying to come up with a snide remark about her quote, but I honestly think the joke just wrote itself. Thank you Susie. Now they have to move the body across the mountain, so they get the man child David to take the lead and pull the dummy. They have to reach a vehicle down the mountain in 8 minutes otherwise they fail the mission. They get there with 37 seconds to go, manage to untie, lift, load and shut the door on the vehicle in a shade under 12 seconds. I can’t even get into my car in 12 seconds. At least fiddle with the clock a little if you are going to throw the mission.

Well the crew passed the avalanche rescue, but now it is time for survival! Maybe they will have to spend the night in the wilderness, or find their own food to eat, or build their own fire? Wait, why would they have to learn to do any of those things to survive? Their mission is to pull themselves out of ice water after skiing into it. You know what? Maybe MTV is right, you hear about way more deaths related to cross country skiers who happen upon a patch of thin ice, than lost hikers dying due to lack of food, water or shelter. Kudos MTV. I’m going to bone up on my skiing into ice water survival skills immediately.

Anyways, in this part of the mission, the RV’ers only have to select 4 people to compete. I mean come on, could they make this mission any easier? They choose David, Dan, Adam, David and Tori, in that order. I guess they wanted to put as much pressure on Tori as possible.

They have to ski about 4 feet into an open spot in the ice, get their backpack back on land, and then use their poles to pull themselves back on the snow. David is up first and says the pain of the cold water went right from his ass to his mouth as he fell in. I actually thought Shane would be the one using the first ATM reference, but who am I to judge? David also adds that “this is by far the coldest thing I have ever done”. Really? I thought it was common place for most people to experience absolute zero? No?

David survives pretty easily. Dan tells us he is nervous and obviously doesn’t want to disappoint his Devil Dog brothers. SS Steve says “I’m sure there is no pressure being a Marine around other Marines”, that must’ve helped Dan’s confidence. Alas, Dan does fine and pulls himself right out. Adam went next and didn’t have a problem either. Then we cut to Tori who was dreading this mission. SS Steve tells her that she is last to compete for the $10 grand and not to jeopardize the mission. This doesn’t add to her nervousness at all Steve, thanks. Tori gets all geared up and right as she is about to ski into the water…commercial! Man MTV knows how to give us a cliff hanger.

We come back from the break and as Tori drops into the water Kina and Susie are screaming at Tori to stay calm (irony) and to throw her backpack up on the snow so she can pull herself up. She struggled with the backpack for a bit but finally got it on land and pulled herself out. Yayyy Tori and $10,000.

Drew, who looks like he just came back from hanging out with Maverick and Goose, tells us that they won the mission, but unfortunately had to vote someone into the Pit. You know, stupid rules and all.

“Thats a negative IceMan, all patterns are full”

Man if it weren’t for Drew, I’d be totally lost as to how this show works. Who would be voted in? Will anyone volunteer? Kina says they just want to have fun tonight and not worry about voting someone into the Pit. Inside the RV Dan and Susie are talking about relationships and why Dan is single. Turns out he has been burned many a time, and stereotypes women by saying they all have an evil side. That didn’t sit well at all with sweet little Susie. As he is explaining the whole girls/evil side thing, he looks at Tori. Tori tells Dan not to look at her when saying that and Dan retorts with “ohhhh don’t give me that shit”. Uh oh, shit’s about to hit the proverbial fan.

Dan tells us in a confessional that Tori likes to flirt, but he knows she means nothing by it which sucks because he cares about her. Back in the RV he turns into the exorcist, his voice drops, his eyes bug out and curse words start to fly. I was waiting on the green vomit, but it never came…damn. Tori takes Dan’s blow up as referencing her directly so they decide to take it outside to discuss, rather than show their true colors in front of all the RV’ers. Rational thinking by Road Rulers? Abe – take notes.

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Du…du hast….du hast mich!!

Tori tells us that she has been grouped with Dan ever since the beginning but she is her own woman. It has always been Dan and Tori this, Dan and Tori that, but she has fun with and without him. The main idea I got from that was that Tori doesn’t give a shit about Dan.

They have their words with each other and bring their feelings to the table. Tori tells Dan she just wants to be best friends and that’s it. No guy wants to hear that by the way. Who wants more friends? We already have enough, thank you.

The next morning, they are outside determining who to send to the pit. Adam asks if anyone wants to say anything about anyone else (wink wink Dan and Tori). He is instigating just like Shane was doing last week with Angel. I wonder if MTV pulled Adam aside and told him to bring that up? Well, nothing came of it, except for Dan saying he has to cut his ties and move on. And what is the best way to do that? Volunteer yourself into the Pit of course. Dan wants to face Derek to try and prove himself (again with the proving of ones self). He tells the gang that he really just wants to tear someone’s fucking head off, that’s why he’s going in to the Pit. That’ll win over the girls Dan-O.

Then Dan and David have a weird heart to heart moment that was totally insincere yet touching at the same time. We learn that Dan had the best week of the trip ever since David got there. Awwww.

The episode ends with Tori telling us she is tired of talking about “Dan and Tori”. She still likes him as a friend, he has a lot of great qualities and he’ll make some girl really happy, just not her. Ouch.

What do you guys think? Pretty lame episode huh? Will Dan and Tori get together eventually? Who will get voted into the Pit?