Road Rules: New Writer

Its like an interactive reality show, while you vote in or out your Road Rulers, We’re voting in or our your Road Rule Recappers. . .. Your comments either keep him or dump him. What do you think of potential new TVgasm writer Hit_Em_Upton? -MYL

By. Hit_Em_Upton

Well we continue off from last week with the challenge to see who gets back in the RV. As you may remember, Adam voted himself in last week. So who did America vote to face Adam? Our little Kayne West Jr., Monte. I’m guessing if this is anything even remotely physical, Adam will be back on the RV, because let’s face it, Monte doesn’t look good at anything except dancing. If it’s a dance off, smart bet is on Monte, and Road Rules losing all credibility.

But, alas, the game is called Balls Out (damn, no dance off) and our contestants have one ankle tied to another inside a ring with walls about 2 feet high. There are 20 blue balls (must….resist….joke) and 20 yellow balls inside the perimeter of the ring. The object is for each player to get their colored ball into their basket which sat right outside the ring. They have 2 minutes to sink as many balls of their own color as possible.

We cut to the confessionals and Adam tells us that he can do anything but basketball, Monte makes a swoosh sound with his hand and a smirk on his face like he is going to dominate. OK, MTV likes to do a little trickery and try and fake you into who is going to win, but that was a little too much, guarantee Adam wins.

I actually hope Adam wins, I feel like Monte would try and take over the RV with his overwhelming sweater-vest type personality. Not only that, but it would make the bus 4-2 Pit Crewers and that spells trouble!

Back in the game, Adam has about 4 or 5 balls left and Monte is all out. Monte then says since he is out of balls, he is forced to play defense. He also chimes in with “I’m on him like white on rice”. We then immediately cut to Adam knocking him over to make a basket. I mean, I guess you could say you were on him like a sweaty shirt, it’s annoying, but it doesn’t really get in your way.

So the game ends and they both try and convince us that it was so close they couldn’t tell who won, yet clear as day, Adam had an extra row of balls in his bin. We find out that Monte has sunk 13 and Adam has…..oh no! cut to the start of the show where the CGI bus is flying down the fake highway like a bat out of hell, but luckily at the last second skids to a halt right before the highway gives out. I still have yet to fully grasp that sequence. But, it transitions perfectly into the bus cruising at a safe velocity on a REAL highway.

Inside the bus everyone predictably says that they want it to be Adam that they are picking up. Personally, I’d want Monte to join the bus so he could teach me how to pop and lock. Dance Party U.S.A.! Who does the bus ultimately pick up? Adam of course! Yayyyyyy smiles and cheers all around for the RV’ers. Except, of course, for Angel who rolls her eyes in disgust because she knows it would’ve helped her out a lot if Monte had won. If she has Monte on her side, she might not be in such hot water all the time. We’ll have to hold off on the dance party until a later date. Adam tells us that he believes the group wants Angel in the Pit every single time. Not really a ground breaking observation, considering the RV’ers drove her to tears last week.

The bus gets their next mission update and we find out that they are spending the night at Lake Havasu. As everyone knows, this is a Spring Break hot spot, so hopefully we can see some debauchery with the other cast members because I’m tired of Angel and her drama. MTV cuts to a montage of the Lake Havasu scene and we see all the main ingredients for a terrific spring break; free flowing beer, boats, half naked women, guys that just scream YEAAAAHHHHHHH whenever a girl flashes the camera, and big girls who shouldn’t necessarily be wearing bikini bottoms (damn I wish I had the screen grab).

Back at the RV, we have everyone reading the blogs and seeing what the other Pit Crewers are saying. Susie’s blog says Angel isn’t immune anymore so she is in the hot seat. Susie also managed to work in how Angel is a bitch. She said even though she gave the Pit challenge away last week, Angel almost lost when she wasn’t even trying. But don’t worry, this is all a part of Susie’s big plan. Susie also drops in a few nice lines for Angel (read: crazy, lunatic). We switch to Angel’s confessional where she tells us something has to change. Really? That weird, I always thought it would be easy to win these contests going it alone. Maybe her whole “me versus the world attitude” is cracking! I’m surprised she has come to this stance, I would’ve thought she would actually stick to her guns and battle against everyone on the RV. MTV somehow always manages to find those headstrong, refuse to change type people (read: every contestant ever). I guess $10,000 mission after $10,000 mission will change your alliance real quick.

Later while eating dinner, Angel apologizes to Kina for saying mean things to her and it was just that it was so competitive she let it get the best of her. Kina dances her way around accepting the apology, but everyone seemed hapy. Can they make up? Just like that? It has to be a cover up. I want to hear Angel call Kina a transvestite again. I mean Kina’s absurdly voluminous hair was begging for it.

A day or two later, the gang is at the beach for the next mission, and Drew is explaining the mission to us. This time, he’s not thrusting his hands at us, like he wants to punch through the television, they actually looked like they are weighed to the ground! Maybe word got out how annoying it was. It’s like the exact opposite of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine tries to tell Molly Shannon she doesn’t swing her arms. How do the producers bring that up? So Drew, you are doing a great job filling in for the comatose TJ Lavin, but, uh, could you try to relax your hands a bit when you talk? That would be great. Thanks. Anyways, if they lose, the crew has to send a guy and a girl into the Pit for battle. Just as our host is about to explain the mission his hands break free as if he was freeing himself from the shackles! Thank God Drew is back to normal, or at least normal for Drew. In the end, I think it’s better this way.

One teammate will be in a giant sling shot and 2 other teammates will be on two floating trampolines out in the water. The sling shotee has to throw a volley ball 3 separate times after they are flung, hoping 1 of the 2 teammates in the water will catch it. First toss counts as 5 points, second as 5 and then the third as 25. At least they aren’t putting all the emphasis on that last throw. They need a total of 50 points to win.

We are told that Adam and Shane feel the most comfortable catching. I bet Shane feels more comfortable catching than Adam ever would. The order is Dan, Kina, Tori and then Angel. Dan’s first throw is off Adams fingers. Dan turns to the camera and yells “It’s Dantastics time!”. I think he inhaled some Agent Orange over in Iraq. His third attempt, Adam makes a great catch, 25 points for the crew. Kina had a terrible first throw, second hits Adam in the hands again, but he drops it. Nothing on the third one. Still 25 points. Tori was basically worthless. Then we randomly cut to Kina asking Tori if she could “open my Gatorade, I’m so nervous I can’t even open it”. Nice product placement. I’m surprised she didn’t say “Hey Tori, is that my T-Mobile Sidekick ringing? Nah, maybe not. Man, I can’t wait to get back to the RV to play X-Box 360 and ride my BMW motorcycle.” Back to the mission and it Angels turn. Her first two tosses were not even close. Third throw for the win coming up, and we hear Dan yell “THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS!!!” andddddd cut to commercial. Gut wrenching TV here. MTV tells us this show is brought to us by Gatorade! Shocker! Back to the third and final throw, for all the marbles, in painstakingly ULTRA slow motion, hits Adam in the hands as he dives off to the side, but again drops it. Mission is lost, dagger to the heart. No $10k, 2 people in the Pit.

So I know it is hard to catch those volleyballs, but Adam dropped 3 hard, but catchable balls. I’d vote Adam back in, along with Tori because she was dreadful.

But before we vote or volunteer ourselves in the Pit, Shane tells us that if we lose hard, we party hard. Makes sense to me! Shane orders shots for everyone and what kind does he get? A wet pussy of course. Shane would order that. Angel asks what’s in it to which Shane replies “Come on you know what it tastes like Angel, you’re friends with Ivory”. I bet he planned that joke all day. You know those jokes you think are so money, and you end up just working them in when it really doesn’t even make sense? Well, yea, that’s Shane for you. He then proceeds to pick on Angel trying to get her to admit to a fictitious lesbian past. Tori tells us she doesn’t like how Shane constantly picks on people, Adam complains that he tries to get people to admit they are gay because Shane is in fact, gay. Uh oh, the tide is turning against Shane! Shane says “I believe you Angel, but not Tori”(about the lesbianism). Tori then wigs out and gets up from the table and takes Dan with her so she can bitch to someone. She admits that Shane has called her fat, ugly, and a lesbian. That’s like calling Shane smart, handsome and intelligent!

So after all the lesbian drama, we cut to deliberations. Kina says they are always a struggle and they never have good luck. Was last week a struggle when Adam volunteered himself within the first 5 seconds? Maybe it was just a struggle for words to penetrate through her hair into her ears. Every time I try and like Kina again, she says something idiotic like that. Oh, Kina. Shane surprisingly steps in for the guys almost right away. Angel tells us that if it were the right rotation, Tori would volunteer herself in, but Tori doesn’t. Shane, ever the meek leader gives us this little ditty “Angel, I’ve loved you all week. The way that you explained the voting and the way that I got it was that you should vote someone that you don’t think is strong enough or whatever and it’s not that you’re not strong enough, but I know these two are (Kina and Tori) cause I’ve been with them, so I am voting for you to go to the pit.” What? None of that makes sense. He picked on Angel all week, she isn’t strong, and Tori isn’t either. He wanted her out of the RV but couldn’t sack up and say it. Keep drinking those wet pussies Shane.

Tori says “on a strategic level it makes sense for me to vote you in because I think you can kick butt and come back”. No you don’t. Stop trying to make yourself feel better. Angel starts to shed some tears because she was opposed to the whole volunteering system, and it bit her in the ass. Dan says “from the bottom of my heart – you aren’t right for this game. I have to go by what I have known in the past and I know those two girls are really strong and it’s a comfort thing but it’s not personal.” Again, complete bullshit. He has to go by what he has known in the past? He has known Tori as long as Angel. If they all hate Angel so much, just come out and say it. That way America can keep voting her back in for the drama. Go Angel!

So it ends with Angel telling us she is really hurt by Dan’s comment that this game wasn’t for her. She’s out to prove a point and doesn’t want anyone to have to hand it to her. Shane ends the show by saying he is definitely going to win in the Pit. God, I hope not. Although I really don’t feel like hating someone new like Jerry (he looks like Jimmy Fallon from that SNL skit with Horatio Sans where they are stoners in a dorm room on a web cam…think about it) or Derek. I say Shane versus Monte the perennial loser, battle of the gays and effeminates!