Road Rules: The F I N A L E !!!

Well boys and girls, we’ve reached the end of this long, seemingly endless road. The season finale is finally upon us! Let’s get right to the action. Tori and Adam kick off the episode in the Pit since they volunteered/voted themselves in last week. But wait…why is everyone from the RV in the Pit area? Uh-oh, me thinks we are in for a surprise!!

Nice hair tool. I hate you.

Enjoying his last few minutes of fame, our Road Master Drew Bell tells us that for the past few weeks David has been leaking information to the “outside world”. Gasp! Drew tells him to pack his bags, he is kicked off the show. Everyone from the RV is stunned. David tells us that he had been giving out information prior to the show being aired. He also adds that it is no one’s fault but his own, so he can’t really be upset over it. My question is – who wanted to know the outcome of these challenges so bad? Also, why did MTV not kick him off earlier if they said he had been doing it for weeks? Don’t they tape these people almost 24/7? Shouldn’t they have kicked him off earlier and not lead him along the entire time? Does Vegas take odds on the Pit Challenges? If so, David might be the Pete Rose of Road Rules! Tough break David, you sure do have a raw fuckin’ deal, as Kina would say. To the jump!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

After that little bit of drama unfolded, Drew needed to replace David on the RV since he had a spot there. F’ing Adam gets a pardon and doesn’t have to fight for his spot anymore. So for the final guy spot on the RV, we have the top two vote getters from the Pit Crew to battle it out. Ughhh. Coming as no surprise, it is Shane and Dan. Dan says this is his 7th time in the Pit and if he doesn’t win, his family and friends are going to disown him. I would also like to add the Marine Corps and mankind to that list. Now we can’t forget about Tori! She gets to go up against Kristen (that blonde haired girl that no one has heard of or seen before).

Road Master Drew tells us the Pit Challenge is called Step it Up. (I love saying Road Master because it is so ridiculous). The challenge is set up with three little poles in a row increasing in height for each contestant. In this challenge, the goal is to balance on one foot on the lowest pole for five minutes, then step up to the next one, five minutes there, step up, so on and so on. The girl winner and guy winner each get a spot on the RV for the final challenge. As the challenge begins Shane says he starts to get a headache, Tori says it is extremely painful, Dan is getting cramps and Kristen says she feels a burning. In other news, somewhere in California, Ron Jeremy is extremely tired. HEY OHHHHH! Kristen starts to wobble first and jumps off, Tori has a spot on the RV. With 10 seconds to go on the first step Shane starts to shake. The guys have to make the step up after the five minute mark and as Shane is making the step, he falls off. Except it wasn’t just a normal fall off, it was in ultra-slow motion with music being played in the background as if someone had died. Shane tried to make some excuse about his leg snapping and blah blah, but I was too busy emotionally recovering from the dramatic editing that is Road Rules.

Thanks for playing, I hope we never see any of you ever again.

Exciting times ahead as Tori and Dan each get a spot on the RV. We have flashbacks to the good, nay, the GREAT times between Dan and Tori. Tori couldn’t be happier that he is back. Maybe it’s a good thing that they are playing up the relationship again, there is a lot of time left for the story line to play out…

Placed in the middle of nowhere, it all comes down to the final mission….Drive By. No, not THAT kind of drive by. Although somehow I feel as though Ivory has had some practice at it before. For our last mission, we are joined by the Pit Crew for some more pity air time. The Pit Crew now consists of Veronica, Kristen, Ivory, Monte, Mike (the new guy), and Shane. Mike replaces David, who if you were paying attention earlier, got kicked off. Mike says “Hi, I’m Michael, I’m 25 years old and I’m from New Jersey”. That is literally the last time he will ever be on TV. Come on man, ramp it up a notch, look enthusiastic. I do have to point out that the RV’ers are wearing blue shorts on top of gray sweatpants with dark blue sweatshirts for the guys and light blue for the girls. I’m usually not one to point out fashion a faux pas considering I wear a total of three different t-shirts, but they honestly look terrible.

Mike! I just doubled the number of people that have seen you on this show, you’re welcome.

Excited Drew describes the final mission to us (in scary black and white nonetheless) and it goes as follows; there are two Mack trucks connected by a 28 foot beam. The object is to climb up the back end of the back truck, grab an empty cardboard moving box, run across the beam and throw it down a hatch on the front truck. The 18-wheelers will be traveling at over 50 miles an hour and they only have a three mile runway to complete the mission. Whichever team gets more boxes in the hatch before they cross the three mile mark wins. If the RV’ers win, they bank another $20k (to their $80k…I think) and get a car. BUT, if the Pit Crew happens to win, they get to keep the $20k and the RV’ers have to vote in two people for the last Pit Challenge. I like that twist, but I don’t at the same time. Someone is going to get screwed (please be Adam) and if it were me, I’d be pissed. Adam chimes in with “even if we win, it’s a lose-lose situation”. Really? If you win, you win money and a car. Idiot. He should’ve said “even if we lose, it’s a lose-lose situation”. That would’ve at least added a little more comedic value to his otherwise dull personality.

Nancy-boy Shane zips right across the connecting pole first for the Pit Crew. Of course I have to, by law, chime in with the obligatory “Shane sure does know how to work the pole” joke. I wish the laws weren’t so strict on that. Ivory is up next and she says she can’t do it over and over again. She starts to cry and says the reason she can’t do it is because it’s like a hurricane up there. The citizens of Kansas are not amused (too soon?). By now, the trucks have already traveled one of the three miles and she is causing serious back up here. Everyone tells her to just ditch the box and run across. Right as she throws the box off the truck we cut to commercial.

The guy in the black van eventually got to work…3 days late.

Now we jump back from break and I was hoping they were going to show Ivory getting a fine for littering, but that was not the case. Without much room to work, the Pit Crew only has a mile left on their runway (thanks to MTV’s handy dandy mileage count down). Kristen out of nowhere sprints across the beam and deposits the box. Monte is up next and does the same. MTV tries to edit it to show Monte dropping the box in at the same time as the mileage count down hitting zero. But Shane tells the camera that it’s up in the air because they aren’t sure if that third box counted. The thing is, he says this with a shit-eating grin on his face the whole time. I guarantee that it counts as the decision maker! Who wants odds!

So now it’s time for the RV contestants and Dan tells us that he is really nervous to run ACROST (God I hate that) a 28 foot beam. It’s pronounced ACROSS people! No T! In under a mile Derek races across and deposits his box into the hatch. We then get word of Kina, Tori, and Susie all accidentally letting go of their boxes. That’ll really boost group morale. Adam drops his box in the hatch with .9 miles to go, all Dan has to do is get across and drop his box in the hatch and they either win or tie. It seems doable until Dan falls off the beam and drops his box off the side of the truck. The RV’ers only get two boxes total. Hmmmm, I wonder if Monte’s box will come in to play here?

It was REALLY bright that day.

The final decision comes and Drew tells us that the Pit Crew did in fact get that third box, so they win the mission. Monte exclaims “Today is Pit Crew day and we SERVED them! It feels great!!” There are so many jokes in my head right now, it would be unfair to the rest of them if I only chose one, so I’ll leave that to your imagination. The Pit Crew is psyched because they get to split $20k between each of the six of them. They each get $3k+ for doing literally nothing. Absurd. Now it is up to the RV to vote one guy and one girl in to the Pit for the last time!

Anticipating a lot of arguments and tears, we actually got quite the opposite when it came time to send two RV’ers to the Pit. In surprising fashion, Kina volunteers herself in. She said Susie had volunteered two weeks ago, Tori last week, it was her turn. Wow, a moderately noble move from Kina, I’m shocked! No guy will volunteer, so they have to vote. Tori reasons that Adam stepped up last week (but DIDN’T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE) so she isn’t voting for him and she also has a pact with Dan, therefore she is voting for Derek. Ew. To quickly summarize who voted for who: Derek voted for Dan (1-1 Derek to Dan ratio), Dan voted for Derek (2-1 Derek leading), Adam voted for Dan (2-2), Susie voted for Dan (2-3 Dan leading), Kina voted for Dan (2-4 Dan leading).

That means that Dan is heading to the Pit…again! Good, honestly, what has he really brought to the table? Besides humiliation. Dan isn’t upset because he knew it was coming. He gives us this touching credo “cars will break down, money will be spent, but the time I have spent here is priceless”, or something along those lines. So we now have Kina and Dan in the Pit one last time. Drew says they are going to pick names out of a hat to see who gets to face who. Kina goes first and picks Angel. Ooooo sweet revenge for Angel. Please tell me they play something physical. Dan picks Monte.

Editing MTV, editing! Work on it. Here is where they f up again; Angel tells the camera that she is going to prove people wrong and win her spot on the RV. That’s all well and good, except her eyes are full of tears, and I don’t think they are tears of joy. She says this while sniffling and taking short breaths. So we know Angel will lose against Kina. Blah. To add to the obviousness, Monte tells us “I’ve been to the Pit twice and lost both times, it’s not happening today”. He also describes the final challenge some more in a Polo shirt sitting somewhere in the desert. I’m guessing he made it through. MTV strikes me as the kind of company that wouldn’t put him up for another night if they didn’t have to.

Lastly, the final challenge is called Code Breaker. Each Pit challenge member has a grid of 64 squares (8×8) and the goal is to memorize as many numbers and letters as possible, run to the other side of the pit and write them down on an empty board. After they complete that, they have to find four words “that spell out a popular phrase”.

Ohhhh. I thought it was Revenge rules road viewers. I was way off!

In no time at all, Monte finishes first by finding and spelling out “Road Rules Viewers Revenge”. MTV tried to create some drama by not giving him the win right away. Didn’t work. Monte beat Dan the perennial loser and wins his share of the cash and a car. So he doesn’t nothing for months on end, then gets lucky with a word puzzle and stumbles into a ton of cash and a car. I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous until I hear him speak. He explains his joy by saying “I’m hella excited about that, know what I’m sayin?”. I’m sorry Monte, but I automatically hate anyone that uses the word “hella”.

Only thing left for the season was Kina versus Angel! Who would win? Will Angel get her revenge!? Oh who am I kidding, it was just as boring as the guys. Kina wins by a landslide. Adam informs us that it’s the memories from the non-mission times that he’ll remember most. That’s probably because 95% of your week is spent NOT doing a mission. Seriously, can’t they show Adam crashing his Mazda 3 into the RV or something? Kina tells the camera that they “really learned so much about what other people do in this world”. Ain’t that the truth! Just last weekend I got chased through a junkyard by a police dog which mauled me and my oversized protective suit. See Kina, the “outside world” isn’t so bad! Once all the winning team was announced there were cheers, tears, jumping for joy, and gang signs flashed. Monte, I now hope you crash in to Adam on the way out.

The Bloods and Crips are not impressed.

Now, the rest of the episode was the typical; flashbacks, memories, thoughts of all the time I have wasted. But they DID show Kina spazzing out when she ate those worms, it was hilarious and literally made me laugh out loud again. Oh, Kina.

I’ll have what she’s having.

So that’s it friends! Our season together is over! I’m glad to have been the re-capper for this fantastic Road Rules season. Thanks for all of your encouraging comments, keep them comin’. Hopefully next season they will flip back to the original format and it will at least be somewhat entertaining (not likely). Thanks everyone!

Upton

P.S. Sorry for the terrible pictures. I had to use my ghetto digital camera and take pictures of the T.V. I know it’s not up to the TVgasm standard, but it’s the best I got!