Tango and Bash

There’s been something missing from this season of Road Rules. Lack of creativity? No, we’ve gotten used to that. No brilliant thinkers? Eh, that’s not it either. What could it be? Oh yes. Female cattiness. Until tonight, the women of Road Rules X-Treme have been all too chummy with only a brief anti-Jodi segment to add some artificial drama. Well, we can throw that all out the window because “mature” Angela has arrived. So goodbye ignorant Ibis and Kina and your misguided “honesty” and “friendliness”. It’s time for transparent snap judgments and character assassination – Angela style!Entering her third episode in Bunim/Murray land, Angela was pretty satisfied with herself. It seems as though she was receiving that intoxicating elixir that tantalizes so many reality stars: sweet, sweet attention. “Everybody seems fascinated by a new person” she said as if she were some shark display at the aquarium. Unfortunately, Angela didn’t realize that the roommies’ “fascination” was merely friendly socializing – the kind you usually do when you’re trapped in an RV in the middle of Argentina. Angela acted as if she were above all the attention; so clearly she wouldn’t mind if another girl entered the mix, right?

Cue newbie Jillian, a perm-tastic tart who seems ready to carry on the Jerry Curl torch now that Rick James has expired. Hailing from Coral Gables, Florida, this future Hillel leader joined the crew with enough gel in her hair to convince me she had either just taken a shower or was in high risk of bursting into flames near Patrick’s cigarette. Regardless of the Jewfro hair products, Jillian seemed pleasant enough, and at eighteen, her relatively sweet demeanor was enough to make her an inoffensive addition to the cast. Well, inoffensive to everyone but Angela.

After having only met Jillian moments before, Angela was already casting angry looks on the wee 18 year old. Sensing a rivalry, Bunim/Murray quickly provided us with Angela’s bitter tirades against the new girl. These comments mostly revolved around Angela lamenting the demise of that really cool vibe in the RV. Funny, last time we looked, Angela was complaining about the lame vibe in the RV. I guess the vibe must have improved once everyone started paying attention to her.

Well, Angela was not happy that a younger, prettier girl who didn’t even have a rape story to tell was warranting more attention than she. We all knew what this meant: full-fledged bitch attack. Angela would never admit that she was jealous; so instead she assigned her anger towards more superficial flaws like Jillian’s voice and her age. Now I am very sensitive to annoying voices (Tina from South Pacific, anyone?), but I can wholeheartedly say that this Jillian does not have an annoying voice. It’s so nondescript that I can’t even remember what it sounds like. But Angela’s sort of warranted in her disdain. I mean, Jillian is 18, and that’s grounds for total hatred. Thank God Angela was never 18 or 19 or 20 or any age younger than 22. Those people suck. Age is such a character flaw.

It was clear that Angela was going to be alone in her complete and utter disgust towards Jillian. Patrick in particular welcomed the new team member, describing her eloquently as having “a banging ass, a banging face”. Derrick was a bit more reserved with his impressions, but he still had a boner too. This was exactly the situation Angela feared. The night before, she explained that the new girl would change things “For good or for worse” and clearly Jillian was a step in the worse department – probably because she knows better than to say “for good or for worse”. You might want to reconsider looking down on those folks getting an education in college, Angie.

Well, it wouldn’t be an episode of Road Rules X-Treme if there weren’t some dumb mission to deal with. The good news this week was that the Mission Mayors continued to get hotter with a jaw-dropping set of Argentinian beauties welcoming the Roadies. The bad news was that we were faced with yet another inane task: tango dancing on a platform several stories above the air while – you guessed it – blindfolded. More creative shows would have had the kids tangoing for twenty four hours or entering into a dance competition, but the Road Rules producers never met an interesting idea they couldn’t convolute with a safety harness and a blindfold. I’m shocked the attack dog episode didn’t take place on the girders of some skyscraper construction site.

Jillian and Patrick were conveniently paired up, which instantly led to spiteful comments from Angela and her oversized choker. She spent a good deal of time bashing Patrick and Jillian for their clunky, style-free moves, but truth be told, when it was Angela’s turn to ascend on the platform and get her tango on, she looked about as limber as a Lego man. Angela’s scintillating performance with Derrick earned the team five whole style points (out of a potential 120). Jodi and Nick fared better, earning 40 style points. Luckily, judges were not focusing on the outfits because Jodi looked like a middle-aged lounge singer in her black evening gown.

Patrick and Jillian needed 45 style points to pass the mission, and of course Angela doubted their abilities, calling their movements robotic. This comes from the girl who plodded around on the platform like the Iron Giant. We all knew Angela’s snippiness was pure misdirection, and surprise surprise, Patrick and Jillian saved the mission by winning 50 style points (that’s ten times more than you, Angela).

I must admit that I was a bit surprised at this point. I fully expected the “You know, Jillian really pulled it together and helped us out. I shouldn’t rush to judgment so much” reversal from Angela. After all, it’s a standard Bunim/Murray move. But no. Angela just continued her rant, once again assailing Jillian for ruining the precious vibe. Yes, that precious vibe you’ve felt for all four days since joining this cast.

Well, there really was no better way to usher in Jillian’s arrival than for group shots all around. This of course led to Jillian and Patrick wandering off to make out. “What happened to dignity?” asked a thoroughly disgusted Angela. Yeah, what did happen to all the dignity of going on a reality show that forces you to eat cow testicles and scrape sweat off teammates? As Patrick and Jillian continued to smooch, Angela became increasingly peeved, saying “I feel like I’m watching a porn.” She must watch some really lame pornos. I guess those Jehovas Witnesses are a little sensitive.

In all fairness to Angela, the gruesome twosome did eventually make their way back to the RV where they capped off Jillian’s night with a little sex-a-roo. It was a pretty bold move, and for thousands of students in Jillian’s soon-to-be freshman college class, a sneak preview of a semester to come.

The episode ended with Angela completely horrified and disgusted. Just when we thought she was growing to like her roommates despite their young age (little Jodi is a mere month or two younger than Angela), the wardrobe assistant put her foot down and declared that after the show “I don’t want to hang out with these people.” That’s great. I hope she had a great time not hanging out with them on the latest Real World/Road Rules Challenge, which she just taped.