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***We saved this as a holiday surprise. What better way to spend your Tday than with these skanky turkeys? We love you guys. Happy Thanksgiving!
So…anyone else’s life have a huge void that can only be filled with spandex, hairspray and shots of Jack? Well, I can’t bring the 80s back, but I can bring you the return of…The Rock Of Love Hos! So where are they now? Dangling off stipper poles? Passed out over toilet seats? Rolling off the bunk on Ratt’s tour bus? Slip on your finest crotchless and let’s find out!
First of all congratulations are in order to Riki Rachtman for landing the role of Eddie Munster in the new Broadway musical! Who knew?
Just try not to get too caught up in the roar of the crowd so the damn curtain doesn’t hit you on the head.
So who’s the first ho we’re going to talk to? It’s “Gets It” Tamara! So named for her one, scintillating conversation with Bret where she did nothing but nod and tell him that she “gets it”. Oh, and she was the one who walked out the wrong door during elimination. They show us the clip, but really the best part about it is the brief glimpse of Bret in a cow-print coat and a red cowboy hat.
I will never, ever get over the loss of Bret’s 1988 wardrobe. I’d tell pleather to RIP, but I want to leave the casket open for it to come back someday.
So where is Tamara now now? Oh, living in a mansion. Talking about her passion for her inner self, hobbling on one leg and telling us it’s yoga. Tell me how she scored this set up. Really.
Do I need to be more of a brain dead moron? Is that the secret?
Tamara tells us she’s always excited and flattered to be recognized. “It’s fun,” she breathes. “To be on…,” she continues aimlessly, somewhat aware that she should finish the sentence, “…a show,” she concludes. This segment wraps with Riki humanely informing us that the sweet mansion is actually her parents’.
Well, they started us off easy but then they go right to the Tatters Queen herself, my all time favorite Rock of Love ho, Flasher Heather! We are told that her defining moment on ROL was flashing her boobs on the first episode – then we’re reminded that she’s really not a ho but she has a great rack so she should show it off. It’s a public service, really.
Flasher’s back in Vegas and I’m pretty sure back to “dancing”. She’s living in what she calls a “zen palace” which includes a wardrobe of about 100 pairs of jeans. Where are the glorious stripper gowns? I’m disappointed. Flash heads off to a massage, where she conveniently pulls up her hair to reveal her Bret tattoo! It’s still there. She carries on about some mental anguish and we get a replay of Bret telling her she’s not his Rock of Love and her walking away without a word. Classic.
Best death glare ever.
Flasher tells us she has a 2011 Calendar shoot today. I’m genuinely happy that she’s getting work but what kind of losers are buying Flasher’s calendar? She piles on the fake hair and shakes her ass and jiggly belly. Then she poses on a rock and promptly tumbles off.
There but for the grace of Tatters…
Next up is another ho who got a lot of camera time, Germy Jo! Funny, when I used to write about her, my finger used to always slip when I was typing Germy “Jo” and it would come out Germy “Ho” and as soon as I typed her name, it happened again. So, to refresh, Germy was the one who sort of had a husband back home. I believe she tried to break up with him over the phone at one point, but I guess it didn’t take because now she’s got twin babies with the dude.
Sorry, but babies made you ugly.
Germy looks trashier than she did on the show, which is some kind of achievement. Perhaps it’s the ten pounds of black weave she’s added to her look. She tells us she’s training for some fitness magazine but I’m not overwhelmed with her post-baby hotness. I do notice that Germy looks a lot like Bret’s real life girlfriend, Kristy, which explains a lot about Season 2.
And now it’s time to break out the hardcore cleaning products babes, cause we have just been re-infected by Psycho Herpes Rocker Lacey. Flashbacks of throwing people in the pool, drunkenly knocking people over, getting called a slut in front of her Dad and (my favorite) getting tacked by Granny Rodeo in her Little House on the Prairie white PJs.
Herp’s in a new band and eager to torture with her vocal styling, which sounds like a bizarre cross of someone who’s constipated and also possessed by the devil. Somehow, I’m not getting the allure.
How nice of producers to schedule this when she wasn’t having a herpes outbreak.
Then we get an intro for the “small-town girl who was left heartbroken” and it’s Whiney Gopher Mindy. Damn, this mealy hick gets on my nerves. For some reason, Eddie Muster just loves her. She (not the editors) reminds us of how she won the muddy football game. I’m pretty sure that’s her greatest accomplishment to date. “Hey everybody, this is Mindy,” she gurgles.
She tells us how fabulous her life has gotten since ROL and then she shows us her friend’s house where she lives and the trailer where she keeps all her fabulous possessions stuffed into Rubbermaid boxes. For a chick who was trying to land Bret, she definitely has the wrong idea about how to utilize Rubbermaid.
Things are goin’ great, y’all!
So, Gopher too is working on a calendar! I’m starting to wonder if there’s some do-it-yourself calendar package that you can buy off the Internet. There can’t be a huge market for twelve months of ate up hos. Anyway, Gopher’s got a gimmick and it’s “Indulgence and Desire”. She poses with chocolate cake batter, and then douses herself with it. “That’s hot, right?” she asks.
No. It looks like someone took an explosive shit all over you.
Oh, no! Did I already call Flasher my all time favorite ho? I might have gotten swept up in the moment because I forgot about the slice of reality TV heaven known as Granny Rodeo! Yee-haw! And she does not disappoint, immediately telling us that she’s “building an empire and touching lives.” Of course! I would expect nothing less.
Chilean miner rescue? All me.
So it’s too bad that it didn’t work out with Granny and Bret, but maybe there’s some kind of future for their Egos because her next order of business is to tell us about all the people around the world who tells her “when we hear your laughter, it lives us up.” Lifts you up, reminds you of a bad acid trip, either way. Granny tells us that she and Bret are “deeply great” friends.
In addition to building an empire and touching lives, Granny is also saving abused and neglected horses that are homeless from all the recent foreclosures. “Where do we get the money? The food? The medical treatment?” she emotes tearfully. I don’t have the answers either Granny but once we figure that shit out for the human population, perhaps we can share it with the sad horsies.
The final touch is her televised appeal for the starving horses…which she makes against a backdrop of about ten Maseratis. I’m very confused about this message. And she closes with an impassioned plea – truly, one would think it was a life or death matter – to look her up on Facebook.
But who will save the horses? Follow me on Twitter!
Then it’s time for the girl who kissed Bret after she puked. “My name is Marcia Brazil,” batshit crazy Marcia tells us. I don’t know if she’s had the “Brazil” part legally amended or what. Brazil is now living in Vegas where there’s an endless supply of tequila and Doritos and according to her, something to do every night.
Just watching this makes me want to puke.
Oh, and here’s some good news. Some dumbass gave this psycho a gun. So we’re treated to a montage of Marcia practicing her inevitable tequila and Doritos fueled murder spree. Then she and her friend participate in some dumb setup about going to a tequila bar.
Clearly, something needs to be done about gun control laws in Vegas.
Then it’s time for who Eddie Munster calls “one of Bret’s favorites” – Annoying Brandi C. She looks cheap, but somewhat less whorish. Annoying went to Charm School with the super classy Sharon Osborne and she learned how to use silverware, but she doesn’t remember much else. I think she spit on someone.
Nowadays, Annoying lives in Orlando with her boyfriend. When they met, he had no idea of her grand fame, and because she loved the anonymity of it all, she begged, begged him not to Google her. But like a dutiful little Orlando hipster, he did anyway but it’s all okay because whatever body fluids she exchanged before now were all just part of the path that led her to him. Cool.
I will say this much for Annoying and her boyfriend, they really did plan a day for their segment in Orlando. Let’s call it the other side of Disney. First, they hit a tattoo shop for matching bear tattoos. Because they call each other “bear”. Let’s all think about what new tattoo we can turn bears into when they get divorced. Then they head to a hookah bar where boyfriend of Brandi C. whips out an engagement ring. Is this real? Fake? A replay? Who cares, I always appreciate a good show.
It’s for TV!
The next ho is Muppet Daisy. Muppet’s another one in a band, and like Herpes, she can’t sing. So her gimmick is screaming in a vaguely fake British accent and making bug eyes at the camera. While twitching. She tells us how passionate she is about her music and how inspired we should all be by it. Then her band makes bug eyes at the camera. I’m less inspired than creeped out. Luckily, this segment really doesn’t last too long.
My music is very deep.
Then it’s time to catch up with Bisexual Destiney, and it’s actually kind of a nice story. Bisexual is now a single Mom who does Hustler shoots for cash. Throw your hands up at me, baby.
Take notes, Germy Ho!
And Hustler’s no do-it-yourself calendar from the Internet. She tells us the best moment on ROL was the Harley ride with her Dad, who passed away a short time later. Did I always have a soft spot for this ho?
Rock of Adorable-ness.
And now…the Blondtourage! Farrah and Juliet Lewis Ashley are still besties and living in Las Vegas. Farrah still looks amazing, but Juliet Lewis has ditched her mullet haircut and I miss it.
Return of the Blondetourange!
We flash back to the episode where Juliet Lewis was flinging Lean Cuisine’s all over the tour bus and yelling about how basil was lame and I’m laughing my ass off. That was one of the best ROL moments ever.
Has Lean Cuisine called for an endorsement yet?
Then we see another great moment, when they locked Porn Brittaney into a hotel bathroom. “It’s not nice to lock obese people in the bathroom but we fed her.” – sorry, couldn’t let the recap go without that priceless Juliet Lewis pearl.
So how’s life now for the Blondtourage? Well, they wake at three, tan, get their hair done, Farrah talks to her boobs then they do some shots. In other words, keeping it real classy. Then they take us to the stripper store for what they call “slut gear”! Yay! Your loss, Flasher. They shop and then stand on Las Vegas Blvd. Farrah’s decked out in amazing, humongous, sparkly blue leg warmers. She looks like Cookie Monster, only working it.
Don’t even tell me this doesn’t deserve its own half-hour. At least.
They leave us with some dopey banter where they confuse “hemorrhage” with “hemorrhoid”, and as much as I love the Blondtourage, the setup seems a bit forced. And then we move on to another ho who I can not stand and that’s Butterface Megan.
So Butterface is now shacked up with some loser in Miami who looks like he wandered off the set of Jersey Shore. But somehow, the dude’s rich, they‘re engaged and Butterface is still nauseating. She bothers me so much, I’m not even doing a picture. Trust me, she’s still the butterfaced whore she always was. I’m doing your eyes a favor. So let’s just move on.
Eddie Munster starts telling us how memorable Scary Frenchy Angelique was, and how she’s now terrorizing Malibu. Hmmm, I live in Malibu. I should be on the lookout. What’s the etiquette for stalking your neighbor? She scares me. Then we see her driving around town in a hot pink car with a Barbie license plate. So I’m not sure what exactly she’s up to in Malibu, but we see her working out with a trainer and telling him (and us) that she can’t concentrate on working out because she’s thinking about his penis. So I’m guessing I’m not the only one in fear.
Stay beautiful, babe.
And finally, let’s see what’s going on with Penthouse Taya, who’s much, much classier than any stripper. And also now starting in a Vegas review at the Sahara entitled…Striptease! Not surprisingly, Penthouse makes no mention of her anti-stripper crusade as she takes us on a backstage tour.
We also get a rewind of her falling off the stage, which was another great ROL moment. She tells us people remember her more for that than for being Bret’s final pick, which I find awesome and hilarious. She says that she cared about Bret a lot and in a perfect world…but in this one, she’s a glorified stripper who still does a lot of Penthouse shoots. We also see a montage of her saying “Penthouse” approximately 9,127,534 times.
And that’s the hos! I don’t know why someone hasn’t set up a double wide near a landfill and filmed them for their own show, but I’m pretty sure more people watched the ho show than Bret’s so I’m not giving up hope!
And since it’s been a while…kisses. You know where.