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Dolls, it’s back and we have a lot of skank to cover so I’m not wasting time on the intro. As a very wise man on acid once said, “Either you’re on the bus, or you’re off the bus.” So slather yourself with some body glitter and hop on – this is the Rock of Love Bus!
Featuring a whole new cast of crotch bugs.
We return with a shot of…Bret’s fake TV McMansion in the Valley? “Inside this LA bachelor pad,” the announcer begins, “…nothing was happening.” Funny! Because Bret Michaels isn’t home. He’s out on tour on a bus with his picture plastered on the side. Because this is Bret, after all. And there he is! Reminding us that we know him from Rock of Love 1 & 2. Bret doesn’t even bother reminding us of his fledgling solo career anymore.
Bret tells us that he made two wrong decisions with One S Jes and Soccer Mom Ambre, and he was starting to wonder what he was doing wrong. Nothing babe, you’ve milked the franchise brilliantly. But he sets up Season 3 seamlessly, with the revelation that he spends three hundred days out of the year on the road, rockin’ and rollin’ and partyin’. Following that logic, how’s he supposed to find a girl trapped in a house? So he’s packing up twenty subjectively hot girls and taking them with him on tour. Twelve awesome (of course) cities, playing to “legions of fans”. Oh hello Ego, I’ve missed you! Which girl can hang with him and his rock and roll lifestyle, he wonders? We get a few shots of the contenders. Will it be the girl crumpled up on the side of the road? Or the one with the bad weave and her head in the toilet? Oh, the possibilities are wonderful!
You’ve got my vote, sister!
Bret reacquaints us with his “best bud and head of security”, Big John. We see him doing a crack job of running Bret’s life, throwing a couple of suitcases onto the bus, only to have one fall right back down. Then we see him cleaning something. “Only one woman can be my rock of love…” Bret reminds us earnestly, “…three,” he completes with a smirk, cause he totally gets it.
The opening credits include a bigger chunk of the Rock of Love song than in the past. Oh, I guess we are focusing on the solo career. Someone’s renegotiated their contract. The first stop on the tour is the bustling metropolis of Louisville, Kentucky where Bret is no doubt playing the state fair. We hear a few gems from the hos. One warns that if “anyone messes with me, they’re in for it.” One who tells us right up front that she’s different, cool and fun but not too smart. One who’s into bondage. And then we get the group shot. Bright, blond weave as far as the eye can see and at least a dozen of the biggest, fakest boobs I have seen in my whole life. I live in LA and I’ve been recapping this show for two seasons now so that’s saying a lot.
Class of Ho9
Bret gives us the rehearsed party line about how it seems like he has it all – living the dream, fame, fortune, insanity…and a great personality. “Or so they tell me,” he adds. Oh cute, and we all know what a sweetheart he is on TV, so even cuter. “Rock and roll is the reason and ruin for all my relationships,” he quips. Hey, didn’t rock and roll used to be “the insatiable bitch goddess?” I guess she’s lost some interest now that he’s retired the red pleather pants with the matching coat. Reason and ruin. Doesn’t quite pack the same punch.
He struts into the dinky little bar where everyone’s waiting for him, and the hos go crazy! They yell and scream and make little devil horns with their hands. Bret’s been spending some quality time in the tanning booth, and his hair is looking a little plastic. It’s got an unnatural shine that you just don’t see with the better quality weave. Well, gas was at about $5 a gallon when they shot this, and they went cross-county on that love bus. Guess they had to trim the budget somewhere.
And it certainly wasn’t on the makeup lady. Holy Phyllis Diller, Brett!
One of our lovelies informs us that he’s so gorgeous, she could “orgasm over and over and over”. Just by looking at him? Damn girl, that’s some skill. He tells the hos that he needs someone who can roll with the punches while he’s on the road, and then breaks the news that this is a real tour. When the bus rolls out, you need to be on it. Or chasing after it. He reminds us of his love for photography, so he’s ready to do his time honored photo shoot since they’re going to be needing their “backstage laminates” anyway. Technical jargon! Bret’s really not messing around.
And because Bret’s the Herb Ritts of the eighties metal scene, he tells us he sees a lot of a girl’s personality through the lens. First up is Brittenay, a rather dull looking blonde with bad skin. Bret knows he’s seen her before. Turning tricks for meth on Hollywood Blvd.? No, he’s seen her movies. As shocking as it is to believe, this is our very first official porn star on Rock of Love! We’ve had a few amateurs, but this ho’s a pro.
Brittenay acts embarrassed to have been recognized, but tells us that if people do it behind closed doors, what’s wrong with doing it on camera? Nothing doll, it’s the whole slapping a cover on it and shipping it out for sale to complete strangers that’s a little questionable. But then she tells us that she’s at a different point in her life now, and wants to settle down. Followed by her opinion that America’s pretty messed up about porn. Unlike most other countries, where they show it in high school sex education classes and church bingo nights. Wait, do other countries have church bingo nights? America might be pretty messed up about that too. But in a good way.
Anyway, now Brittenay’s passion is music, and she’s going to “lay her heart out”. That means she’s going to sing a song. Bret tries in vain to interrupt, but there’s no stopping Porn and her high-pitched, tone-deaf self-expression. Clearly this ho does not understand Bret at all. She should have at least been singing naked.
Someone stuff a peen in that mouth and shut her up.
Next up is Melissa, who teaches pole dancing, pilates, hip-hop and burlesque. She’s cute, but would be ten times cuter with hair that matched her skin tone. I don’t mind olive skinned girls who do blonde, but platinum is the wrong way to go.
Next up is Nikki and oh my, my only thought is that we have discovered an entire new breed of ho. She’s a miniature little thing and I don’t know what’s bigger, her stripper shoes or her boobs. There’s some story about how she used to do graffiti, but then she did some jail time so then she got fake boobs so she wouldn’t have to climb buildings anymore? I’m lost, but nonetheless fascinated.
Nikki has a special DJ name, and that’s DJ Lady Tribe. I hate to admit this, but I actually think that’s kind of a cool name for a lady DJ. Although I’m pretty sure she’s less of a DJ and more of an appendage picking up dust on the floor of the DJ booth. And she wants to do a rap! I’m delighted. Because she is a consummate performer, she whips some papers out of her purse to read her rap from, and the back of the paper reads “Genital Herpes Instructions”. I’d call it a play for screen time, but you’d have to be really mentally retarded to do that. Which, as the rap commences, starts to seem like a definite possibility. The hos laugh their asses off at her, and Bret does not seem impressed. Even if she was hot, herpes is just not a turn on. Even for Bret.
How many buildings has she climbed up in mini skirts and given herpes to? The mind reels.
Next up is Ashley, who I recognize immediately as the bad weave from the head in the toilet shot, but Bret’s really drawn to her. He thinks she looks like Juliet Lewis. The Natural Born Killers thing is, you guessed it, turning him on. Her eye makeup looks like it was applied by a three year old with a crayola.
Are you flirtin’ with me?
Then they throw in a couple of bore snores, Heather who’s cute but “reserved and shy at first”. I’m not wasting much time on this ho, cause if Bret’s not commenting on how hot she is, reserved and shy isn’t going to get her very far. Then comes an animal trainer named Megan. Interesting, I suppose, but Bret really seems to like her.
And then Bret tells us that he’s not really sure what world some of these hos are from. There’s a girl with one of those third eye bindi things that haven’t been cool since Gwen Stefani first came out. Her name is Constandina, she’s from some mountains, and she’s “deep and spiritual”. Oh, wonderful. That’s totally Bret’s thing. She tells us she has a masters degree in storytelling. Seems more like a masters degree in nutbar to me, but what do I know, I majored in business.
Next comes the token black ho, and Bret is smitten. He thinks she’s beautiful. I might be able to agree if I could get past the Madonna-esqe ripped arms (not cute on a girl) and the caterpillars of fake lashes literally sliding off her face. She’s expecting cattiness because she grew up in a boarding school, and tells Bret she’s already found somebody to pick on. Mean girl! Loves it! Bret does too. She’s also an aspiring madam, and her name is Natasha.
Biggest forehead of all time.
And then we have a problem. Bret complains that while they’re hot, some of them are acting like they don’t need to try. Enter Marci, who was sharp enough to wear a girl version of one of Bret’s cowboy hats, with the flipped up ends, but ended the study of her target there. She does some generic, fully clothed poses and answers Bret’s friendly questions with a fake smile and one-word answers. I’m not wasting too much time on this one either.
Marci is followed by another ho who didn’t get the memo. She tells us first off that she’s “conservative”, and a nurse. Say no more ho, unless it’s in a slutty nurses uniform. Her name is Stephanie, and the only other thing she thinks we need to know about her is that she likes chicken. I do have to giggle through my boredom at that one, though. Chicken? Huh?
We won’t need someone to change bedpans for at least two more seasons. Love the exact same hair that everyone else has, though. Keep it up.
But the lapse ends with Kelsey, a total cutie who bounces up the stairs with a huge smile. “She wanted to meet me, ” Bret brags. Can’t go wrong with worshipful adoration. Kelsey tells us right off that some people get what they want by being smart, and some people do it with their looks, and she’s gone more the second route. Kelsey tells Bret she’s his Utah girl, and I find her just adorable.
Next up is a forty-year-old retired model named Maria in a pair of zebra striped pants. “I’m already jealous of the pants,” Bret tells her. Maybe she’ll let him borrow them. And may I interrupt this recap to officially beg, beg, Bret to bring back the eighties stage gear? I’ve had enough of his trendy True Religion jeans. Nothing makes me happier than a pair of flame painted pleather pants with matching cowboy hat. I deserve that. I do.
Then we get Marcia, who kisses him on both cheeks cause she’s from Brazil. She’s gorgeous. She’s followed by Mindy, a boring country girl who tells us she’s “highly competitive”. She strikes a pageant pose and tells us that she “doesn’t give up”. Fantastic, I’m thrilled to know she’ll never stop boring me.
I’ll give it up all you want, though.
And then we come to my pick for the season, and that’s Farrah. First of all, love the name. She strolls up to Bret and drawls, “Hiiiiii…” He asks her if she’s modeled before. “Maybe,” she demurs in a sing-song voice. He tells us he loves sexy, confident girls, and her being “hotter than the sun” doesn’t hurt. Farrah tells us if she wants a man’s attention, she just pushes up her boobs. Bret’s charmed, and I am too. She’s my Flasher Heather 2.0.
The points on that star look downright dangerous.
Then we get our first, “Hello beautiful girl,” from Bret, and this is for Brittanya. He tells us she’s sexy and exotic, and he wants to examine her “work”. That’s fancy talk for tattoos, of which she has many. He says the tats make her even hotter, and that’s not even addressing the zebra striped bra. I love a girl who dresses for her man.
Next up is our normal girl who just loves Poison. She’s not dressed like a slut, she’s just a regular ol’ fan. “Have I met you backstage?” he queries. Not in those boring clothes you haven’t. She even has a boring name. Beverly. But Bret loves a down to earth girl who loves him, so we may be seeing a lot of this one.
Jesus woman. Did you borrow that top from NeNe? Wonderbra! Wonderbra!
Then we get Samantha, who talks a bunch of nonsense about “energy” and does a cheerleader type move. She’s not that hot, and tells us she gets carsick. Bret quickly snaps her photo, and shuffles her on her way.
And now Bret’s starting to complain about how he needs to see something special. Enter Taya, who wastes no time at all telling him she’s a Penthouse Pet. “I’m sure you’ve seen my cover,” she demurs. Yeah, like Bret’s just hanging around the tour bus jerking off to Penthouse. He’s probably seen a few of her Penthouse friends, though. She hems and haws about how she doesn’t want to be the “first naked girl”. Oh, Penthouse Pets are so shy. So she compromises and flashes her ass. Bret’s satisfied. He salutes her.
Please say you still respect me.
Next up is a little blonde with Hello Kitty and star tattoos, who wastes no time pulling down her dress and flashing her boobs. She tells him she came all the way from Honolulu to see him, and it was a really long flight. “I love you,” he moans, eyes glazing over. This is Gia, and while she “may not be the most amazing at conversation”, it really doesn’t matter cause as soon as he’s got his shot, he’s making out with her. Gia tells us that she knows how to make a lasting impression, and if you’re boring, you have no business being on the road with Bret. Amen to that, sister. Gia’s alright by me.
Now if only the herpes rap was playing in the background, this would totally be romantic.
And then Bret puts on his serious face and tells the hos that this is a real tour, and now he has to go get ready to rock everyone’s world. Then he remembers he’s playing a state fair, and amends the statement to “rock the house”, and reminds the girls they had best be bringing their A-game, too.
BJ herds the hos outside, and tells ‘em to grab their luggage and pick a bus. The choices are the pink bus or the blue bus. One of the hos tells us it’s a mass stampede of stripper heels. Fabulous! DJ Lady Tribe tells us for the first of about a thousand times that she’s got a Louis Vuitton carry-on, but it fits all her six weeks of clothes cause all her outfits are really tiny. Well, I hope it’s big enough to hold her Valtrex too. Melissa the pole dancer tells us that she’s brought too much stuff, and proves it by dragging the stripper equivalent of a steamer trunk. “I can’t do it,” she whines, dragging her mountain of luggage to the bus. Big John’s no help, except to ask her if she’s brought Christmas ornaments. You’re on your own, Princess Melissa.
The hos shove their luggage haphazardly onto the bus, and surprise, surprise, it doesn’t fit. Big John, helpful as ever, stands around and tosses off some advice. He tells the hos to put the big pieces on the bottom and the smaller ones on top. For the first time, I notice that BJ is not wearing his signature do-rag. Has he gotten implants? Will Bret follow suit?
Token Natasha – I know, I always name the black girl Token, but I also always call it like I see it. Bret’s never kept a black girl around for more than a few rounds. Token’s got a skirt made of feathers? It’s very VB. So while Token’s busy being the head ho in charge, DJ Lady is having an issue. She sees her Canal Street Louis Vuitton tossed off the bus, and goes bananas. “Don’t start with me!” yells Token Natasha. “Don’t start with me!” DJ Lady screeches back. “Chill the fuck out!” yells Token. “No, you chill the fuck out!” retorts DJ Lady. I just love a witty comeback, don’t you?
And then I guess Token accuses DJ Lady of being on drugs, to which DJ Lady replies in interview that all the drugs she’s on are legal. Then she burps, but is polite enough to apologize for it. “I was drinking a little,” she slurs.
I could watch this ho all day.
Then it’s time to talk about who’s on what bus. My favorite, Farrah, stakes out the pink bus because pink is her signature color. We learn that all the crazy girls have gravitated to the pink bus, and the blue bus girls are already talking shit. “That’s a bus I wouldn’t even fall asleep on,” sniffs Penthouse Taya. Yeah, it’s just not as clean as that bedsheet that all the Penthouse Pets splay their business out on during their photo shoots. Listen honey, you worry about the drunken flashing, and leave the snarking to me, okay?
But enough of the boring bus, over on the pink bus, Marcia Brazil is making a rule about not putting toilet paper in the toilet so it doesn’t clog. I’ve been on busses before (I have a Greyhound story that I someday hope get far enough past the trauma to tell) and the rule isn’t toilet paper, dumbass, it’s poop. Juliet Lewis Ashley decides she doesn’t like the toilet paper edict either, or maybe she just doesn’t like Marcia, so she grabs a guitar and sings a little tune about how Marcia looks like a beaver.
And the beaver song is the catalyst for our first Rock of Love Bus fight! Oh wait, our second. I forgot about Token and DJ Lady and the fake Louis Vuitton. It’s all so much, I’m already losing track. Anyhow, Marcia tells us that she’s Brazilian, and therefore does not put up with any crap. She makes it sound like it’s the official motto of Brazil, like it’s printed on their flag or something.
It was bound to smell like bar rot in there eventually.
Sooooo, Brazil pours a drink on Juliet Lewis’s head, one of the other blonde hos tells Juliet Lewis not to feel bad and then kisses her weave, Princess Melissa starts making ugly faces and carrying on about how she wants to go home because she can’t take all the fake bitches, and adorable Kelsey laments that this is who she has to live with. Just your average afternoon on the bus.
It’s like she just read the newspaper for the first time ever.
Over on the blue bus, they are literally singing Kumbaya, lead by Boring Beverly, who’s definitely giving off a butch vibe. Nurse Stephanie tells us that they’re all getting along so well, they start wondering if they should start a fight. Um, yes. Either that or an orgy. These hos need to earn their place both on Bret’s bus, and my television.
Both busses arrive at the venue, and before I know what’s happened, there’s Big John on stage asking the crowd if they’re ready, and then out comes Bret! He wades through the sea of hos onto the stage, and they’re right behind him. “This is what it’s all about,” Bret tells us knowingly, “This is rock and roll and I want to see if they can handle life in my world.” Kelsey notices the way Bret plays to the screaming fans and comments, “Oh, this is why everyone loves Bret Michaels!” Now it occurs to her? She’s young though, she may have thought it was Rock of Love with the Jonas Brothers.
I don’t know the song Bret’s singing, he’s really pushing this solo thing though. The crowd seems to love it, and so do the hos, who are getting down on stage with him. DJ Lady likes it so much, she rips off her cheap bustier and starts prancing the stage like it’s the DJ Lady show. “I had so much fun, I forgot about Bret singing,” she admits cluelessly. Obviously, the Ego is not happy about this. “Everyone who knows me knows I have eyes in the back of my head,” he warns. This is Bret’s show honey, you’re just temporarily infecting it.
Me love you Breck!
But then something fun happens when Gia and Farrah start making out! “Basically swapping diseases,” hisses Token Natasha. What’s it to you, mean girl? Isn’t she the aspiring madam? I would think girl on girl would be a top seller. Farrah cheerfully tells us that she thinks when she gets drunk she becomes a lesbian. She usually doesn’t remember it, but if she doesn’t remember it, than it didn’t happen. What a great philosophy! We should all consider becoming blackout drunks.
Gia too says that things are “foggy”, but that Farrah can “lick my boobs anytime she wants”. She’s also got Juliet Lewis crawling up and down her legs, by the way. Penthouse Taya is once again up on her high horse with the observation that she’s a Penthouse Pet, but she’s the classiest one there. I’m sorry, but no. Penthouse and classy do not belong in the same sentence. I don’t care what the context is. Taya is starting to remind me of Germy Kristy Jo.
Nurse Stephanie tells us in a squeaky voice that sounds scarily like Peter Brady that she’s not attention seeking, and never “got into bands like Poison”. Then what the hell is she doing on Rock of Love? And why is she even getting screen time? She’s so out of there. Boring Butch Beverly gushes about how she could be the one he picks, and get to live this life with him. There is definitely more than one girl here drinking the delusional kool-aid.
Wow. When I’m drunk I just watch the ShamWow ad over and over again on the DVR and send illegible texts to the Moviefone guy.
And then it’s time for what Bret calls the “infamous rock and roll afterparty”. He warns us that some “crazy shit” will go down, and reminds us of what he’s already said like thirty times, that he wants to see which ones are cut out for life on the road.
And where else would we go for the “infamous rock and roll afterparty”? Why, another empty, dinky bar of course! The hos roll in, all amped up for their first chance to hang out and talk to Bret. But he’s not there yet, so naturally the party turns to catty bitch talking.
“Someone’s wearing illegal shoes,” snips Juliet Lewis. We zero in on the offending footwear, and ewwwwww, ugly brown boots. “You have ugly boots,” ChickDoc points out to me as we discuss the drama over dinner the next night. “I have Uggs, that’s different,” I explain. And yes ladies, Uggs are perfectly acceptable as long as the man you’re wearing them for is clear on the fact that he will see you naked in them at some point.
And the wearer of the offensive boots? Of course it’s Boring Butch Beverly. “Beverly is a dude. And I don’t think Bret wants to date a dude,” drawls Juliet Lewis. I’m kind of getting on board with Juliet Lewis. When Boring Butch replies to the insult by telling her she should be insecure about her green, zebra-striped dress, Juliet Lewis is legitimately confused. She sees nothing wrong with her fashion choice. Then Juliet Lewis makes fun of Boring Butch’s saggy boobs. Which is pretty funny because they’re not saggy, they’re just not inflated with silicone, but I will admit, Boring Butch has not chosen the most flattering shirt.
Boring Butch must be about to fall over from old beer smell.
Poor Boring Butch can’t win with Juliet Lewis. “You can be all the Paris Hilton you want to be,” is the best Boring Butch can come up with. “Paris Hilton would not like your shoes,” Juliet Lewis deadpans back.
Gia, who tells us she’s there to start the party and never finish it, says that Boring Butch looks down on them, and “that’s they type of girl we don’t like”. We? Ugh, I love mean girls but I don’t like it when they do that co-dependent cluster thing. It’s a little counterintuitive. The mean has to be able to stand on its own. Talk to Token Natasha.
Boring Butch, realizing she can’t win a battle of words with the skank in the green, zebra print dress gets desperate. She sucks down a shot, and throws the plastic cup down at Gia’s feet. This turns into a little fight. Gia throws a cup back at Boring Butch, I-wanna-knock-her-out’s are exchanged, nothing too exciting. And then Bret shows up to the, uh…party.
The puddles are gonna be grosser when you’re stuck on the street.
His voice is hoarse and he can barely talk, but this is his show so none of that’s going to stop him from making a toast. One of the hos asks him where his voice is. “I left it at the show,” he replies with a poor-me smile. Just another thing to love about the guy, just cause it’s the state fair in Kentucky doesn’t mean he’s not going to give 100%.
And this brings us to the controversial portion of our show. DJ Lady starts off by telling us how horny she is because she hasn’t had a guy in three months. “I had a girlfriend and I thought the girlfriend thing would work out cause whatever,” she clarifies. Okay then. So she hops up on the bar and….screeeeech! The show literally grinds to a halt. Bret interjects to explain that while they can’t show what happened, in twenty-one years on the road, even he has never seen this.
Now I’m no amateur, but I have to admit I’m perplexed. What did she do? At first I’m thinking, did she pee in a shot glass? But that somehow doesn’t seem right. It’s another topic that comes up during dinner with ChickDoc. He explains his theory – that the because the shot glasses were test-tubes, she might have stuck it up her… “Oh my,” I sputter, nearly spitting out my sake. “Oh my.” So I follow up with a little googling, and the consensus out there in internet land is that either DJ Lady stuck the shot up there and then left it, or she stuck it up there and Gia drank it. If anyone knows, please do advise. ChickDoc and I agree that while our shock and horror is totally normal, if Bret’s looking at it the same way, it must have been really, really bad.
What? What’d I do?
While DJ Lady, and possibly Gia although I really hope not cause I kind of like her, are busy accomplishing the nearly impossible task of grossing out Bret Michaels with a sex act, Nurse Stephanie and dull Heather are leaving the party. I can’t say I blame them, after that show. But as she’s doing the walk of insecurity out of there, Heather slips on whatever drinks or bodily fluids have spilled all over the floor, and lands on her ass. It has no relevance to the show whatsoever, but watching people fall down is always good for a laugh.
Another one grossed out by the show is Princess Melissa, who’s starting to wonder if she can deal with this. She asks Bret if she can take him outside for a chat, and she’s cute enough for him to say yes. She gets him on the tour bus, and starts complaining about the drama, but tells him “bottom line, I’m here for you.” Bret explains to her that after twenty-two years – and I’m getting the definite sense that this “after twenty-two years” thing will be our new rose and thorn euphemism now that we’ve hit the road – he’s used to it, but he needs a girl who can “hang”. Or at least a girl with a slow gag reflex.
And then Princess Melissa pulls a very risky stunt. She tells Bret she’s willing to put up with it, but warns him “not for nothing”. Oooooh, Bret does not do ultimatums. He might appease the ho if he’s really attracted to her (remember Cool Sam and her suitcase full of issues from Season 1? And who could forget Germy Jo’s masterful maneuvers in Season 2?) but Princess Melissa has not inspired enough of a reaction from him so far to pull this one off. I’d feel sorry for her for being so stupid if she wasn’t so full of herself.
But she’s so original. Where are you gonna find another bleached out ho with gian’t sacks of saline? WHERE?!
Of course, the moment Bret hears the ultimatum he asks her, “Do you want me to let you go?” Bret thought he was being dragged outside for a makeout session, not for this nonsense. She should have at least offered a little tongue before trying to play him. But at least she realizes immediately that she has made a big mistake, and responds with a wide-eyed, “No! This is why I came.” His voice soothes her, as does the fear of cutting her fifteen minutes short, so Princess Melissa’s back in. But Bret didn’t like the ultimatum on the first night. He thinks it could be trouble.
And with that, Bret calls it a night. He thanks the skanks, and tells them he’ll see them in the morning. It occurs to me that perhaps the elimination of the first group will occur first thing in the morning – come on, the roadie kicking out the ho before she gets a chance to try to make a day of it? I think that’s very realistic for life on the road.
So the next morning when BJ rounds up the hos, this is what I’m hoping for. He starts counting skanks, and one’s missing. Of course it’s DJ Lady, who jiggles up in a yellow bra and a glazed expression. BJ tells them that Bret’s finishing up a photo shoot, an “where he goes, we go”. So to my disappointment, there is no morning elimination, and they all move into the Sheraton. A Sheraton! “I could get used to this,” says Samantha excitedly.
Walking funny with a beer in her hand first thing in the morning. Holy lord I love this girl.
But the hos are quickly bored with their super luxurious new digs and it only takes them about five seconds to start drinking. Farrah breaks it down for us. She, DJ Lady, Gia and Juliet Lewis are the Blonde-tourage. Doubt they came up with that, but love it! Then there’s the semi-crazy girls in the next room, and Farrah tells us that her group and this group kind of click. Finally, there’s the “zombie room”. Or, the brunette room.
The zombie girls just sit on the couch. Farrah and Gia come over for a visit and try to liven these hos up, but nothing doing. “Did we interrupt something?” they giggle drunkenly. The zombie girls just stare blankly. “Close the casket,” quips Farrah. I really like her.
Once the Blonde-tourage girls leave, Penthouse Taya takes the opportunity to hop back up on her skanky soapbox. Something about them breathing their liquor breath all over Bret, and how she doesn’t want his first impression of her to be as a drunk. Clearly she’s not concerned with my first impression of her. “Pull it together,” she snaps, examining her nails. I hope she goes soon, but Bret’s got a thing for bitchy, pretty brunettes, so we might be stuck with her for a while.
Did I put on my jewel? I can’t see it. Is it there? TELL ME!
Taya asks if anyone’s mildly curious about what’s going on in the other room, which means she totally is. So we cut to the other room and see some belly dancing. Then we see Marcia Brazil drinking tequila. And talking about how much she loves tequila. And then vomiting out a lot of tequila.
Just then Bret walks in. Brazil stumbles out of the bathroom and immediately starts making out with him to a chorus of “ewwww” from the rest of the hos. Apparently, in addition to sucking down all the tequila at the Sheraton, Brazil’s also been munching on Doritos. So Bret’s getting a tequila/Doritos/vomit kiss, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered, he just goes for it. Done wiping the puke off your screen? Okay, moving on.
Still haven’t puked? Damn. You’re strong.
Bret reminds us that he has to do eliminations that night, and he needs some one on one time. And the first ho he wants alone time with is…Boring Butch? She’s delighted and even more delighted to throw it in the other hos’ faces who look just as perplexed as I do at this turn of events. But it soon becomes clear why he wanted her, turns out during the prior night’s show, he noticed that Boring Butch knew all the words to his songs. “Even the solo stuff” he adds, just as surprised as anyone else that this would be the case.
He likes her cause she likes his music and the Ego needs food. Although he does mention that he thinks she might be able to kick his ass. She tells him about going to a Poison concert with her husband “at the time,” she quickly adds before Bret can have a heart attack brought on by a Germy Jo flashback. Then she tells him that her “free pass list” when she was married, which Bret tells us is the list of the people you’re allowed to cheat on your spouse with if the opportunity ever arose, included Bret and only Bret. Well, at one time it also had Edward Norton on it, but Ed was number two. “Take that, Ed Norton,” says Bret, glowing with pride.
Bret walks Boring Butch back to the group, and she thinks he likes her for being down to earth and because she’s not putting stuff in her crotch. See ladies, it really is that simple. Just don’t stick things in your crotch in public.
And then it’s time to be ambushed by Porn. “What are you looking for? Why haven’t you found that yet?” she wants to know. Well done Porn, men just love those questions. You should have followed up with a “How do you feel about me?” and some talk about your biological clock. Then she starts telling him that it’s fine with her if he flirts with his fans, and she’s not bi, but if that’s what he needs, she can do that for him. And Bret’s so annoyed by her neediness, that he doesn’t even mention what a turn on the girl on girl suggestion was. Things are not looking good for Porn. But she thinks he finds her “deeper than all the other blond boobies.”
And here comes the Blonde-tourage! The sit him down in one of the rooms, and climb all over him. He tells them that he’s onto them, and wonders if being with him is just an excuse to party. “Do I even need to be in the room?” the Ego wants to know. It takes them a few minutes for their teeny, tiny brains to comprehend what he’s asking, but then Gia sort of figures it out and tells him, “Nobody except you, if you’re my man. And my ladies, if you want.” Then she asks for a group kiss, which he’s totally down with, except for with DJ Lady who he kind of brushes off due to the whole STD thing. Bret’s got a family back in LA, you know.
Oh God no. Someone help. My childreeeennnnn!
Post Blonde-tourage, Bret heads over to the zombie room where Samantha and Granny Maria the forty-year old model are hanging out. Samantha’s happy to see him, but sad that she’s in a room with Maria, who’s “a total knockout, and I can’t compete with a six foot tall supermodel.” Not with that attitude, honey. Bret likes ‘em confident. Not all of his hos are the hottest in the room, but they always love themselves. Samantha won’t last on this tour, but I have a feeling we might be seeing her on Charm School. Bret kisses Granny Maria’s belly. He’s definitely into her.
Over in one of the other crazy girl rooms, Brazil is doing drunken cartwheels. Jungle Megan is saying she needs Brazil to stay away from her because she’s out of her mind. Juliet Lewis reminds us that yesterday, she and Brazil were not getting along, and the situation has not improved today. “She starts throwing chips at my face,” Juliet Lewis complains, “And I’m not going to stand her and let this bitch throw chips in my face.” Juliet Lewis’s one-liners aren’t even that funny, but something about the delivery just cracks me up. Luckily, Bret really seems to like her too, so I think she’ll be sticking around.
And the chip-throwing incident naturally turns into another fight. Bret tells us he was sitting there having a peaceful time with Granny’s belly when all of the sudden it sounds like a bomb went off! He goes running into the crazy girl room, and sees security literally pulling Juliet Lewis and Brazil off each other. Apparently, Juliet Lewis poured some tequila on Brazil’s head and Brazil tried to choke her. Okay, I’m all for drunk and crazy, but murderous is kind of not okay. And where the hell’s BJ in all this? He’s such a princess, always managing to keep his hands clean of the drama.
Juliet Lewis is really upset. “She tried to choke me!” she sobs. Brazil’s defends herself by yelling, “She wasted alcohol and that is not cool!” I am very sorry that someone almost got choked, but Brazil’s reasoning has me dying laughing. “Choking is bad,” lectures Bret, as Brazil goes running out of the room.
But Bret follows her and kicks everyone else out so they can talk. Brazil is drunkenly throwing clothes in a suitcase, threatening to go home. “Bret, get out of here!” she screams at him! Wow! Did she just try and kick him out of the room on the show named after him? This ho’s got balls bigger than Boring Butch Beverly.
“You’re not going to tell me to get out of here,” Bret warns. Ooooh, Daddy’s mad. But like I always say, Bret’s got a real way with the ladies, especially the super batshit crazy ones, and before you know it, he’s got her calmed down, telling her she’s beautiful and that he doesn’t want her to go.
But he’s worried that she’s driven “my Ashley away from me”, so now he tends to that situation. Poor Juliet Lewis has eye make-up streaked everywhere and chips in her hair. “She’s on my bus. I have to be protected,” she sobs to Bret. Bret assures her that he will make sure Brazil is “chilled out”. Unless BJ’s got a straitjacket hidden in Bret’s wardrobe trunk, I really don’t see how he plans on making this happen.
Chips. Beer. Her head is turning into an Applebee’s.
And then it’s time for Bret to put on his Mike Brady bandana and give all the hos their lesson for the day. He doesn’t need them to like each other, but they cannot physically lay hands on each other. Well, not for choking anyway. And with that, he reminds them of eliminations that night, and he’s out. “He was mad,” Brazil notices, tempering her insanity with just a tiny bit of intuitiveness. She’s worried she might be going home.
As for the others, Mindy worries that she was a name with no personality. I’d be concerned if I were her too, cause I have no idea who the hell she is and I’m actually paying attention. Brittanya, with the zebra bra and the tats, says she isn’t too worried, because with all the drama Bret didn’t really get to talk to anyone, so she’s guessing he’ll probably go on looks. Finally, after two seasons a smart ho! Plus she dressed for success. I like this one too. Gia too is certain she’s staying. “He can’t break up the Blonde-tourage,” she explains simply.
Bret enters eliminations decked out in his new uniform of jeans, a blazer and a button down. His only accessory is a sad little bandana. I’m heartbroken. But onto the elimination. There are twenty hos, and for five of them, the tour literally ends here. He scares them with a speech about the absolute urgency of moving from city to city on time. Calm down, dude, it’s a state fair tour. You’re not curing cancer. And then he calls some names: Marci, Heather, Stephanie, Gia, Lady DJ Nikki, Brittaney and Marcia. Penthouse Taya is getting concerned. “I keep hear hot mess name, after hot mess name after hot mess name,” she complains. I’m nervous too, but also confused. Marci, Heather and Stephanie are no surprise, they didn’t even talk to him, Brazil might be a murderer, but Gia and DJ Lady? They can’t be going home. For the sake of the recaps, this can not be happening.
I’m sorry. Did I forget to mention this part?
And for the other thirteen, well they’ve rocked Bret’s world! They’re in! But I’m wondering, is he eliminating all seven hos remaining? He doesn’t say, cause you know Bret loves to drag out the elimination. He reminds them how beautiful they all are and how much he hates doing it but at the end of it, a ho’s got to go.
Gia is shocked that half of the Blonde-tourage is left standing. DJ Lady just sways back and forth in her Butterface Megan-esque red swimsuit. She’s nervous or wasted or both. At one point, she literally falls to the floor. Brazil says she’s disappointed. Dull Heather points out that she and Nurse Stephanie are the only normal ones there. That’s why you’re gone, honey.
Take a load off, crazy.
Finally Bret spills that he’s got two passes left. And then he talks to the hos. Nurse Stephanie and Marci didn’t speak to him the entire time, and he sounds downright pissed about it. Seriously, how do you go on this show and not know that your key to success is chasing him around and telling him how much you love his music? Dull Heather he thinks is beautiful, but he doesn’t think she’s prepared for the insanity and that’s a problem.
Gia’s a fun party girl, but he’s not sure if he can take her home to meet Grandma. He tells Brittaney Porn he thinks she has an “amazing soul” – can Bret work a ho or what? – but she’s done a lot of adult entertaining. He says he can’t fault her for quality work, but he’s just not sure about her. Porn breaks down into near hysterical sobs and begs him not to hold her past against her. He doesn’t even bother addressing DJ Lady. Normally he’s savvy enough to keep a mess like this around at least a few rounds, but I think he knew from the word herpes that this one had to go.
But it was six day..mon…years ago! WAH!
And then he tells Brazil that while she may end up killing all of them, he did ask her to stay and remain calm. Which she did, and he appreciates that, so Brazil gets a pass! Gia acts super happy about it, cheering Brazil on, which seems pretty phony to me. But she’s still a believer, saying that without her, it will be the Rock of Snooze tour. I really can’t argue with that, and I hope she gets to stay.
“Six girls, one pass. Five are going home,” Bret tells them. Thanks for doing the math for us. He apologizes for not getting to talk to everyone, but “that’s the way my life is.” Nurse Stephanie is humiliated to be standing up there with DJ Lady, and even though she had no place on this tour to begin with, I feel her pain.
Finally, he gets down to business. Since he’s got a checkered past himself, Porn gets to stay! “Let he without sin cast the first stone,” he sagely intones. Bret’s so deep. Gia once again applauds madly for herself as the loser, as Porn accepts her pass and talks about how she wants a beautiful relationship with a man who will love her for the rest of her life. I guarantee Bret is already starting to regret this.
He thanks the skanks for taking the time out of their life to try for a little reality show fame, but tells them their tour ends here. Then he says he’s sorry if some people think he was harsh, but that’s the way life on the road rolls. Maybe I’m meaner than everyone, but I still think he should have kicked off some hos that morning when they awoke on the bus. Now that would have been harsh. Harshly fabulous.
“Thank you, and good night!” the Ego tells them with his hands in the air. Was this the Elimination Concert? Nurse Stephanie says that she thinks Bret made the right choice. Gia thinks he made a huge mistake, and she’s still in shock. Me too, she was good material. Marci was disappointed, but notes that since he did get rid of “pee shot”, maybe he’s not a complete idiot. Dull Heather can’t get it together in her interview and starts to cry. Well maybe you should have gone up and said hello to him at some point. She’s cute, she could have stayed.
DJ Lady sits sobbing. She is pathetic sight, drunk, herpes-ridden in a bathing suit and big shoes. Some PA’s literally have to come out and carry her off set. She can’t even walk straight. Back on the pink bus, Juliet Lewis is not happy that Brazil got to stay. And with that, the Rock of Love bus rolls out, ready to spread disease and desperation to the next lucky city.
But of course, Bret isn’t leaving us without a Dr. Seuss-like monologue. “I’ve got wild girls, quiet girls, stripper girls, fighter girls, rocker girls…and I’ve got groupies. But what kind of girl am I looking for?” He promises it will be one hell of a time finding out and I for one can’t wait! Now go wash that body glitter off before anyone catches you loving this. Kisses ’til next time!
I’ll miss you babe!