Last week on Charm School: Marcia loved Ricki Lake, Hos donated clothes, Beverly assaulted Porno and got booted off the show, Gia got smashed and was expelled, and 50 years of fighting against racial stereotypes was flushed down the toilet in 60 minutes.
I had a dream. And it had nothing to do with charm or hos.
Greetings Gasmii. I injured my wrist pretty badly this weekend so this whole typing thing hurts a whole lot right now, but I have a responsibility to you, my loyal readers, to let you know what’s happening in the drunken tramp school. My solutions were either dig up some old prescription pain meds or start drinking at 3:00pm. Since the percocets make my brain not work I decided to go with booze. Apologies in advance for any bad typing, spelling errors, etc. It’s either drunk recap or no recap.
We open on Ashley, who says she’s very happy, but worried about losing two ROL girls the night before. Soho is bitching to Farrah about having to share a room with Bubbles and Bubbles is STANDING RIGHT THERE! Seriously, either yell at her to her face or talk shit about her when she’s gone. Talking shit about her while less than a foot away from her is just cruel. Bubbles mumbles something and I don’t quite catch it but I’m pretty sure she was just trying to be nice. 3bay gets all up in her face like she just insulted her mama or something, and starts screaming in some high-pitched noise that I’m pretty sure only dogs and dolphins could decipher. Hearing the siren call of dolphin screeching the other Real Chance girls descend upon Bubbles like a pack of wild hyenas. I don’t even know where they all came from. One minute I just see Farrah, Bubbles, Soho, and 3bay and then suddenly four more girls appear to jump on the Yell At Bubbles Train. It’s like they have a friggin Bat Signal or something.
How dare you try and be nice to me?
Farrah looks like she’s laughing pretty hard in the background, but in confessional she seems genuinely concerned for poor Bubbles.
Because she doesn’t speak dolphin.
In the other room Kip and Brittanya are pondering over what all the screaming is about. Dude, I was watching it on my television, with subtitles, and a rewind feature and I STILL don’t know what all the screaming was about. The Real Chance girls all yell over each other and they all seem to be stuck on repeat. It’s like a broken record played at double speed with the volume turned all the way up. Actually, it’s like six of those playing different “songs” simultaneously.
It sounds a lot like this looks like it would sound
Ricki announces that the ladies must report to the lecture hall for their first lesson in 30 minutes. Marcia decides to study up with mimosas. I used that same study technique in college… And high school… Okay and middle school too. Shut up, I grew up in a trailer park. I got straight A’s though, so maybe there’s something to this whole studying through booze theory.
Down in the study hall we learn that today’s lesson is Thou Shalt Be a Model Citizen. Lala brings in Tanya Acker, whom Charm School says is a social activist. She’s not important enough to have a Wikipedia entry, but a Google search informed me that she is an attorney, political activist, and Obama supporter. I didn’t see anything about her being out on bail or getting thrown out of conferences for brawling so I’m not really sure how she wound up on Charm School. Acker tells the girls they need to learn social responsibility and then proceeds to give a minute long definition of what that is. Normally I would think they were dumbing things down for the viewing public, but I’m pretty sure no one in the room had any idea what that was before she told them. I would guess that about half of them are still not clear on the concept.
How do you spell Social?
Acker asks the girls what they know about global warming and Bubbles pipes in with something that sounded a lot like, “It’s like you know and stuff with the ozone layer and you know like its gone and ummm you know like that’s bad.” That’s not a direct quote, that’s just how my brain remembered it. I was distracted by all the completely unrelated arm movements she was doing while speaking. If I knew how to do an animated gif I would show you, but I don’t so you’ll have to settle for a still.
The more we release in the air the more we take the ozone away
In confessional Ashley says she doesn’t care about the environment (I’m sure you’re all shocked) and says she just won’t use hairspray anymore. Well, not aerosol hairspray. Well, maybe not as often. Way to be part of the solution there, Kip. Mother Earth is forever in your debt.
They change the subject over to poverty and Marcia jumps in all teary eyed about how she’s traumatized about having to poop in a hole in the floor when she was a kid. Umm, yeah, but you lived in Brazil. I grew up dirt poor in Junction City, OR. We didn’t have to poop in a hole, but we did sleep on the floor, live off of Ramen, and not have a fridge in the trailer. I don’t cry when I reminisce. I find it rather amusing actually.
Bubbles says that money doesn’t matter because she knows people who live off the food they grow and take baths in the river and they’re perfectly happy.
I think these are the friends Bubbles was talking about…
Acker asks what they’ve done to help spread awareness and Porno starts rambling about how she urged women and minorities to get out and vote. Hey, who cares about white dudes voting. Screw all you guys! Porn seems to think she’s single-handedly responsible for Obama getting elected. Yeah, I bet that porn star vote just pushed him over the edge. How many presidential elections have been decided by the adult film industry? The world may never know.
Lala sends the ladies to their lockers to find the equipment needed for their next challenge. The girls will be broken up into three teams based on what color the uniform in their locker is. The breakdown is:
Team Blue: Brittanya, Risky, Kiki, and Marcia
Team Green: Tranny, Bubbles, Farrah, and 3bay
Team Pink: Porno, Soho, Kip, and K.O.
3bay thinks that Farrah won’t do any work, and Soho thinks that Kip won’t do any work. I get where Soho is coming from, cause Kip probably thinks that work is lame, but I’m wondering what 3bay has against Farrah. Maybe she got her mixed up with Kip or something.
So the girls hop on the short bus. Soho, 3bay, and Kiki are all being wretched to Bubbles again, and Bubbles tries to laugh along for a minute and be a good sport, but then she tries to say something about how she doesn’t understand why they’re being mean to her and the bitch crew takes that as their signal to start in with the dolphin noises again. If I were the bus driver I would heading for the nearest cliff. They need to get one of those cranky middle school bus drivers on the show. The kind that are straight out of prison and don’t like no talkin on their bus. I would love to see what he did with these crazy bitches.
Shut up or I kill the Bunny!
They arrive at the Los Angeles River, and DAMN. Is that what rivers look like in L.A.? It looks a lot like what we here in Reno call an irrigation canal. Anyway, it’s full of garbage that I’m pretty sure was placed there by the producers because even in Los Angeles I don’t think there are multiple sofas chilling in the rivers. Ricki introduces Katrina Cameron from Friends of the Los Angeles River. Umm, lady, you need better friends. This one is clearly just dragging you down. So the rules are that the teams have fifteen minutes to clean up as much trash as they can, and the winning team will make Deans List. I’m hoping there are lots of ROL girls on the winning team, because I know if they’re on the Deans List they’ll take it as a free pass to get shlockered for the rest of the week.
I’m actually pretty impressed by the effort most of the girls are putting in. They’re kinda hauling ass and getting dirty and lifting heavy things. Well, most of them are. Kip wanders around and tries to pretend she’s helping without actually doing any work. I know, I know, it’s totally out of character. I guess picking up trash must be lame or something.
I already promised to maybe cut down on my hairspray consumption. What more does the planet want from me?
Over on team blue Marcia is working her ass off and talking about how good it feels to help clean up the environment. Risky and Kiki are bitching about breaking nails and getting their socks wet and Marcia tells them to shut up and help. She says in confessional that her whole team was whining and it was making her crazy. To be fair, Brittanya wasn’t whining at all, but Brittanya doesn’t talk so maybe that’s not such a big accomplishment. Risky says this is the grossest thing you’ve ever done. Ummm, missy, I’ve seen flashbacks of you making out with either Real or Chance (I don’t know which is which) and I would argue that that is by far the grossest thing you’ve ever done. On television anyway.
I would way rather pick up garbage
My girl Farrah gets props from the judges for how hard she’s working, and when the metaphorical buzzer sounds (VH1 can’t afford real buzzers) it’s team green that makes the Deans List. I’m glad Farrah’s safe, and I’m happy that Bubbles can relax about elimination since she can’t really relax anywhere else. The more those other girls pick on Bubbles the more I like her. She’s like that sad three-legged dog you see at the pound and wind up taking home because you don’t think anyone else will and you know he needs love too. These are the similies I come up with while drinking. I promise to do better next time.
Like this guy
In confessional Marcia says that she doesn’t even care that she didn’t win, she was just really happy to help the environment. She seems like she means it, so yay for Marcia. She says she wants the Real Chance girls to STFU and stop bitching, and we cut to the bus and see that they are, in fact, still bitching. Marcia stands up and gives them a speech about how they did something good and they should be happy about it cause they’re all supposed to be there to change or something. This starts Kiki and 3bay in on another one of their broken record at high speed yell-fests that continues the rest of the way back to the school.
Back at Charm School we see some clips of the Real Chance girls ripping into Bubbles when they were on Real Chance. It’s sad, and hey, Bubbles looked really good in that clip. She should go back to whatever she was doing back then. So the girls are outside and Bubbles tells Kiki that it hurts her feelings when the other girls call her stupid. She says it just like that, but 3bay jumps on her and starts calling her passive aggressive. Then she starts asking her if she knows what passive aggressive is. Hate to break it to ya 3bay, but I’m pretty sure you don’t know what passive aggressive is. I think she’s under the impression that any conflict that vocalized below 3 decibels is passive aggressive or something. Kiki says she’s annoyed that Bubbles defended herself. Yeah, how dare she? What does she think this is? A school for learning how to be a better person or something?
Do you know what passive aggressive means? No really, do you? Because I’m curious…
Inside, Marcia is getting a mohawk and all the ROL girls are doing shots of Petron. That must be where the buzzer budget went. Petron is expensive. 3bay thinks that none of those girls want to change because they’re all drinking. You know, I kinda see what she means, but if I had to choose I would prefer my girls to be kinda drunk-y over kinda stab-y. Marcia is stumbling around slurring and calls Soho… well, Soho. Hehe… I knew there was a reason I loved Marcia. Soho gets PISSED. She acts like Marcia just called her by a racial slur or something, even though Soho is just a district in New York and really isn’t an insult. Plus, people mispronounce my name all the bloody time and my name is a whole lot less asinine than So Hood. Soho goes storming off and tells Marcia she’s “Giving her a pass” and then tells the cameras that she’s gonna do everything she can to get Marcia sent home. I really don’t understand where the anger comes from. Shouldn’t you be more upset that your name is So Hood?
Upstairs Kip and Farrah are talking shit about Porn and decide they want to mess with her. Porn is in the bathroom so they start kicking on the door. Then Farrah notices that the door has a lock on the outside, and they lock Porn in. Okay, I call shenanigans here. Clearly the VH1 producers had that door custom built so that some drunk spiteful girls could lock someone in the bathroom. There is no other reason for that lock to be there. Come on VH1, they’re drunk and/or angry whores. We don’t need you intervening to make it more entertaining.
3bay thinks it’s totally unfair how the ROL girls gang up on Porn, and expressing that without a hint of irony in her voice.
“There are clearly no parallels between this situation and any situation I’m a part of”
My hypocrisy has a first name, it’s B-A-Y-B-A-Y-B-A-Y
Farrah decides it’s inhumane to lock Porn in the bathroom with nothing to eat, so her and Kip start sliding hot dogs under the door while making oinking noises. Very classy, ladies. Porn says in confessional that she was freaking out because she was stuck in there without food or clean water, even though she clearly had hot dogs and a fucking sink. She starts kicking the door and one of the girls (I think it’s K.O.) lets her out. Kip says she knows she’s going down on the carpet (hehehe, that phrase will never stop making me giggle) for her stunt, but it was kinda worth it.
Later that night Farrah is climbing into bed and giving us an eyeful of her blurry ass. She finds a plastic scorpion and cookie crumbs on her sheets and immediately freaks out and confronts Porno. Okay Farrah, I love you, but you totally started this. Stop acting like she’s the bad guy. She’s the crazy guy here, but she’s not the bad guy. Porno pulls a fire extinguisher and they have a stand-off but nothing happens. Kip taught me a word for situations like this: Lame!
I will totally point this at you and then do absolutely nothing, bitch.
Farrah goes to bed and the Real Chance girls start trying to teach Porno how to stand up for herself. I kinda thought Porno and Bubbles might become friends and bond over what it’s like to get attacked by everyone else non-stop, but in the grand tradition of High School, Porno has been offered a chance to sit with the cool kids at lunch and is jumping on it as fast as she can. My guess is that if Porn doesn’t get sent home, she’ll be making dolphin noises at Bubbles by episode four. 3bay tells us in confessional that they’re just being nice to her to get the extra vote, but I’m sure Porno is convinced they’re all totally BFFs.
And after elimination we can braid each others’ hair. My grandfather was totally black
Ricki calls some of the “ladies” into her office for one on one talks. Porno is first and she complains about Kip locking her in the bathroom and calling her fat. Ricki gets upset that they called her, “The F Word.” That’s not the F word honey, but okay. Marcia goes in and starts crying about how she wants to change but the Real Chance girls just want to fight all the time and it makes it hard. Ricki asks her if maybe she can tone down the drinking, and if Marcia answered her the VH1 producers cleverly cut that part out. Bubbles is next and Ricki asks her who she’s been having problems with. After making Ricki pinky swear not to say where she heard it Bubbles confesses that she’s terrified of Kiki. Me too girl, and that chick is only a television image beamed into my living room.
Risky is next, and she complains that the ROL girls drink all the time. She says there was a fight on the bus, but that she had no part in it.
(psssst… She totally did)
K.O. tells Ricki that Kiki is the biggest problem in the house, and she didn’t even make her pinkie swear first. You go K.O. You’re kinda mute like Brittanya, but in this house being mute makes you stand out as being awesome. Ricki expresses concern because Charm School should be an environment that fosters respect.
Respect this. Seriously.
Time for detention, and Lala has all the girls write down their votes. It’s four for Marcia, Three for Kiki, and one for Kip. Kiki looks genuinely surprised that anyone voted for her, and the level of delusion this girl possesses is just uncanny. Upstairs Kiki is screaming again and I expect her to be yelling at one of the ROL girls (or Bubbles), but no, she’s having a friendly “conversation” with 3bay. These girls scream over each other even when they’re just conversing. I can’t imagine what family dinners are like at their houses…
And, it’s elimination time. Lala calls the three chosen ones down to the carpet and says something about cliques and unity and blah blah blah. Ricki asks them all why they think they’re down there. Kip says she knows she did something stupid and she was expecting to be there. In confessional Porno says some mean things about Kip, and freaks me out by talking a lot like the Real Chance girls. Marcia says the Real Chance girls are mean and won’t let anyone talk. Kiki says she has no idea, but maybe it’s because she befriended Porno. She says she’s never had a conflict with anyone who voted for her, and I laugh a lot. Marcia raises her hand and Kiki starts screaming at her, very much digging her own grave. Kiki is super surprised that anyone finds her threatening, and as the screaming continues Farrah just can’t take anymore, says she’s outta there, and leaves. She’s quickly followed by Kip and Marcia and I AM FREAKING OUT. Please please please VH1 gods! I promised to recap this show for an entire season and if you let the three most entertaining people leave I may lose my mind by the finale.
While the yelling in the elimination room continues Brittanya actually jumps in and tells the Real Chance girls that they’re just as wrong as the ROL girls. Holy crap you guys. Brittanya spoke. And she did so voluntarily.
“I’m just as surprised as you are”
Upstairs Kip, Farrah, and Marcia are packing their things, but Ricki comes in to try and convince them to stay. Ricki, if you fuck this up I will hunt you down. I swear to god.
Downstairs the other ladies have gone back to detention and they’re talking to Lala. Lala expresses concern about the racial divide and the Real Chance girls use Bubbles as their example that they’re not against white people. No, really. It’s hilarious.
Back upstairs the ROL girls are telling Ricki that they want to change but it’s hard with all the fighting and yelling going on all the time. Ricki convinces them to stay, and I’m stoked that I don’t have to beg Flipit to reassign me to a different show. I don’t think he would like that.
They go back down to the elimination room and Ricki tells them they all deserve to go home, but decides to eliminate Kiki. Kiki seems to think that the other girls are misinterpreting her strong personality as being threatening. I find that amusing. 3bay and Soho cry a lot and Porn storms off because her new BFF just totally got sent home. Soho screams that this is all a waste of her time and starts packing. She’s yelling a lot but I can’t understand a word of it except for, “Kiss my black ass.”
And on that incredibly positive note we come to the end of another charming episode. I’m working on ep 3 tomorrow so you should see it by Friday. Peace out, Gasmii.