Charm School: I didn’t catch that the first time. Could you repeat it every five minutes for the entire episode?

Last week on Charm School, we all got a break from the trashiness because VH1 was busy airing some other nonsense that I’m not obligated to watch or write about. The week before that there was a bunch of drama involving K.O. and 3bay tried to give up her place so that K.O. could stay on and grow, but then K.O. gave her pin to 3bay and walked out. It was riveting stuff folks. Absolutely riveting! On with this week’s trashfest, eh?

Hey everyone. I got a new kitty this week and he’s distracting me horribly while I try and write this recap. Look how cute he is:

So anyway, this week’s show opens about where we left off. K.O. gives 3bay her pin and comes up to the front to read Ricki a letter she’s prepared. She says she hopes to one day inspire girls the way that Ricki has and she wants to be just like her, all through hysterical sobbing, of course, because this is Charm School.

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And with that K.O. walks out. Lala tries to get her to stay, but it’s to no avail. K.O. does not like being called a liar and she ain’t puttin’ up with that. Now Gasmii, I’ve known a few pathological liars in my day, and they all react in the same over-the-top fashion when someone calls them a liar. Methinks that perhaps K.O. is completely full of shit, but hey, that’s just me.

Ricki tries to defend K.O.’s behavior and Risky jumps in and says it’s crap because she was a foster kid too and she never knew her parents but she doesn’t talk about it all the time because she doesn’t want everyone to pity her. Ricki is deeply moved by her speech, but I think Ricki would be deeply moved by an episode of Grey’s Anatomy at this point, so who really cares? Most of us have had some sort of weirdly traumatic lives these days. Let’s all get over it, shall we? I’m sure your doctor can put you on some sort of Xanax/Prozac regimen, or you could just be like me and take all your anger out in snarky recap form.

Oh yeah, back to the show. To 3bay gets to stay and K.O. is expelled, although I think I would consider what she did more like dropping out. Either way she’s totally not gonna get into a good charm college now. Ricki announces that there will no longer be detention, but rather she and the deans will decide who winds up on the carpet.

The next morning Marcia is talking about all the weight she’s lost since she stopped drinking. It’s been six days, and I’m actually insanely impressed. I know people quit drinking all the time, and six days doesn’t even get you a shiny new token in AA, but for a recovering alcoholic to be in that environment and not drink is probably as hard as kicking smack in the middle of a crackhouse. You go Marcia!

Ricki calls everyone down to the lecture hall for their weekly lesson. I have my fingers crossed for, Thou Shalt Not Try and Find Love on a Second Rate VH1 Reality Show, but instead we get this:

Brittanya is confused (I know, I know, it’s shocking) and seems to think that today’s lesson will involve doing naughty things to Stryker. Even as a great big lesbian I’m usually pretty good at objectively noticing when a guy is sexy, but I just don’t see it in Stryker. I see him more as the annoying little brother type, even though I’m pretty sure he’s older than me. What say ye, members of the Gasmii who prefer the male gender? Is Stryker hot?

Unfortunately for Brittanya, today’s lesson is all about compassion and tolerance. Stryker introduces everyone to these two gentlemen from The Museum of Tolerance.

The tall bald guy starts us off by telling us that he is a former racist skinhead. He talks about beating people up by putting razor blades on his boots and kicking them mercilessly. The short gay guy informs us that the former skinhead and his buddies once beat him within an inch of his life, but that through compassion he forgave him and they now work together to educate others. I’m totally not gonna make fun of that. I think that’s beautiful.

I will, however, take issue with what’s written on the chalkboard.

Kip says she would never be able to forgive someone if they beat her up with razorblades, and I kinda get where she’s coming from, but I think Kip’s the type that would never be able to forgive someone if they cut her off on the freeway or looked at her kinda funny that one time.

Bubbles assures us that no matter how mad she got at someone, she would never beat them up with razors in her shoes. Rest easy guys. I know you’ve all been having nightmares about Bubbles beating the living shit out of you.

So we hear a lot of talk about how important forgiveness is, and they ask the ladies if they can reach out and forgive someone for something terrible they’ve done. Marcia talks about forgiving her stepdad for being an abusive asshole, and it’s a very emotional moment. Risky seems to care very very deeply.

Stryker asks 3bay what’s on her mind, and she expresses that she really thinks K.O. should be there instead of her. Jesus, 3bay, are you going for sainthood? I understand feeling like you’ve learned and all, but there’s a hundred grand at stake here. I don’t know, maybe she’s super nice, or maybe she’s just vying for title of next years dean of students, which probably would pay more than a hundred grand in the long run. I’ve got twenty bucks that says 3bay will be back on Charm School next year, and most likely in Lala’s place.

So it’s the next day, and Stryker calls 3bay into the principal’s office for a word with him and Ricki.

3bay tells Ricki and Stryker, for like the dozenth time this episode, that K.O. needs to be there more than her and that she would like to give up her spot. Stryker throws everyone for a wild curve by suggesting that if 3bay is going to give up her spot she should be able to give it to whomever she wants. 3bay decides that it would be either K.O. or Kiki, although her reasoning behind that decision kind of confuses me. Look Saint 3bay, Kiki is fucking crazy as hell and what she needs is a steady diet of benzodiazapenes, which they aren’t gonna be able to give her at Charm School. K.O. is an attention whore, and I don’t see how sticking her on television where she gets a bunch of attention is gonna help that. Why not bring back Farrah? Or Gia? If anyone needs help here it’s Gia.

So Ricki tells 3bay she’ll give her a chance to talk to K.O. and Kiki and then decide who she wants to bring back. 3bay heads back upstairs to face the shitstorm of angry girls who don’t think anyone should get a chance to come back once they’re expelled. 3bay tries to play it off like the meeting wasn’t about anything important, but the cunning whores are onto her, and proceed to unleash their disease infested claws. There’s a lot of blah blah compassion, blah blah not fair, blah blah going on and I’m getting bored as hell. Could someone please give these girls some tequila and baseball bats or something?

So Ricki interrupts my mid-episode nap by calling all of the ladies down to the short bus for some sort of compassion field trip. God, this episode is dull.

So the ladies arrive at an animal shelter, and we meet this lovely woman.

Stryker tells the ladies that they have to show compassion, tolerance, and forgiveness by helping out at the animal shelter. Yeah, it’s really hard to tolerate and forgive adorable fuzzy things, so I’m sure this is gonna drive that lesson home.

So first the girls feed all the dogs, and while it’s cute and stuff, this is still all just dreadfully boring. I mean seriously, this episode is so dull that it’s sucking the snark out of me. Oooh, slutty girls feeding puppies. Whatever will they think of next? Someone sick a rabid dog on one of these whores quickly and then we’ll see how they feel about compassion and forgiveness. That’s how I would run the lesson plan anyway.

Once all the dogs are fed the ladies have to clean up their poop. Kip tells us that she changes diapers every day, so she’s used to poop. Isn’t Kip’s kid like four-years-old? I think maybe it’s time to whip out those toilet training DVDs there, Kip.

3bay says the dogs are actually cleaner than the girls that live at Charm School. I don’t think she’s exaggerating either, because them bitches is nasty. At least the dogs won’t give you hepatitis when they hump your leg.

Bubbles runs around with the dogs and the other girls are all very impressed with how well she handles them. Risky says that Bubbles speaks the dogs’ languages, and I don’t think she meant it as a dig but I’m glad someone finally figured out what language Bubbles has been speaking all this time.

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The big scary lesbian that hits on me at gay bars comes out and tells the girls that they all did an awesome job, and they’re all winners today. God I hate the “You’re all winners” mentality. Look, if everyone’s a winner, then nobody is, okay? Winning means doing something better than the rest of your peers. Fuck you, and fuck your ribbon just for participating. Grrrrrrrr.

So the ladies get back to la casa de charm and immediately start discussing the whole K.O. situation again. I know it’s my job to recap this, but seriously, most of this conversation has already happened a couple times in this episode. It pretty much goes like this.

AAAAAND… Repeat! Over and over again.

So Marcia storms off and yells a lot about how if she had a drink she wouldn’t get a second chance, so why should K.O. get one. God, even the yelling is boring this episode. I’m starting to wonder if maybe Charm School took a week off because the editors were desperately trying to find entertaining footage this week and splice it together into an episode that anyone would give a shit about. Epic fail, editors!

So 3bay gets all the ladies together and asks who they would rather have back, Kiki or K.O. For the recap of the rest of this conversation, please see the pictogram of EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION THAT’S HAPPENED THIS WEEK. Seriously, it’s just lots of people yelling how it’s not fair and 3bay saying people need help and it just goes on and on and on around is circles that would make me dizzy if I weren’t so damn busy trying not to fall asleep.

More yelling, more it’s not fair, more of me not caring in the least.

Bubbles chimes in that she supports 3bay and thinks that K.O. does deserve a second chance. Kip is not pleased and proceeds to attack Bubbles for everything from being a dumbass to having stupid pajamas. Riveting stuff here folks. Bitch just insulted her pajamas. Duck and cover!

Stryker wanders in and immediately tells Bubbles that her pajamas are awesome.

So Stryker tells 3bay that it’s time to go take to Kiki and K.O. I’m praying for something interesting to happen, but I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna be disappointed.

Kiki is up first, and after some hugs and some crying they get down to business. Kiki says she’s done a lot of thinking and changing and she’s a better person now. She’s also been practicing her ‘Concerned Face’ in front of the mirror.

Kiki says she needs to work on her extreme lack of patience. That’s an awfully nice way of putting it. I would say she needs to work on her terrifying psychotic fits and the fact that she’s batshit insane. Well, I wouldn’t say that to her face, but you know what I mean.

We get another spiel on how people mistake her confidence for intimidation, and I think that if your confidence is an inch away from someone’s face screaming profanities then that’s an easy mistake to make.

Next K.O. gets a chance to plead her case. She once again reiterates that she’s not a liar, and methinks the lady doth protest too much.

K.O. tells 3bay that the elimination day was the worst day of her life. Dude, if that’s the worst day you’ve ever had then I seriously doubt your stories about how traumatic your childhood was. If the hardest thing you’ve ever done was done on VH1 then your life has been pretty damn easy.

So now it’s up to 3bay to decide who gets to come back. We get some shots of her thinking really hard or something, because we all need to understand what a difficult decision this is. You know, just in case we didn’t get it the first hundred times we were told this episode.

VH1 shows us what’s going on inside 3bay’s head through the use of their awesome new psychic cam. You can tell that these are memories because they’re foggy around the edges, just like when you remember stuff in real life.

3bay says she knows people in the house aren’t gonna be happy if she brings someone back, and that making this decision is the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. Once again, if the hardest thing you’ve ever done was done on VH1 then your life has been really fucking easy.

And with that, it’s expulsion ceremony time. We hear a whole bunch of fresh and interesting dialogue about how it’s not fair to bring someone back but some people need to be here and I just zone out until something happens. I might be zoned out for a while.

Ricki tells us that Lala is not here because she had a prior engagement. From what I hear about her, it’s probably mandatory community service. Whatever the reason, things are looking up for 3bay.

Brittanya says she needs the money and she thinks the expelled should stay expelled, Marcia says Kiki hasn’t been through the lessons and K.O.’s a liar, Bubbles says she sees potential in K.O. and she should get another chance, and Kip says that Bubbles is lame. Bubbles gives some sort of nonsensical speech about compassion, my favorite line of which is, “You have to put your shoes in their shoes.”

Let’s bring in K.O. and Kiki, shall we?

Kiki blathers some crap about being misunderstood, and K.O. once again reminds us that she’s not a liar. You know, just in case we forgot.

So 3bay faces the ladies and tells Kiki that she’s clearly changed a lot and that maybe she’s ready for Charm School now. She tells K.O. that coming back to Charm School would probably be unhealthy though, and it’s looking like Kiki is gonna rejoin the class. Marcia is flipping out a little bit about it, but hey, PSYCHE! 3bay was just messing with our heads. She’s decided to bring no one back, drop out, and let the ladies that are there all have at least one more week of schooling.

We’re down to five girls, which means I only have, what? Four more episodes left to recap? Well, the good news is that next week on Charm School the VH1 producers hear my pleas for some entertainment and someone manage to work drunken mechanical bull-riding into their lesson for the week. I have no idea how getting drunk and riding a bull will help make you charming, but I’m looking forward to hearing their justification.