Charm School: Insert your own joke about The Big Easy

Good lord I’m late on this recappage. I apologize profusely to all my loyal readers. I thought about making up some elaborate story about how I was kidnapped by aliens or forced to live underground while nazi zombies invaded my neighborhood, but the truth is that I met a girl and I got kinda distracted. Sorry. I promise to give this recap my full and complete attention, but it’s gonna be a quicky recap because this episode was dull as dirt, so let’s get on with it. We’re going to New Orleans.

It’s another day in Charm School and we’re down to just four skanky hose beasts. The end is nigh, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been transcribing this trainwreck for far too long. I’m ready to move on to bigger, more entertaining trainwrecks. Anyway, the ladies are all packed up and headed off to New Orleans, where they will be helping out with some sort of charity work. They hop on the shortbus/airport shuttle and we get some narration about how excited they all are to be going.

God chooses to, once again, ignore my pleas and everyone lands safely in Louisiana. Brittanya says, “I’ve never been to New Orleans before and I’m so excited to see another state.” Is anyone else under the impression that she thinks New Orleans is a state? Nah… Not a bright girl like Brit. I’m sure she’s a master of geography.

So after some riveting conversation about the Superdome and Katrina we all arrive at some hotel with stilt dancers and drunk people out front. In a stunning display of bad taste, the concierge greets them with a tray full of Hurricanes.

Marcia asks if they have any virgin Hurricanes, and they giggle and tell her that no, they do not. Ahhh… Charm School. You never cease to amaze with your classiness. There’s nothing more charming than offering a recovering alcoholic booze, and then laughing at her when she turns it down. Always one to lend a helping hand, Kip steps in and takes the drink intended for Marcia so she can show us all how a truly classy lady double-fists mixed drinks in the French Quarter.

Upstairs the girls see their swanky new suite, and spend a little time oohing and aahing over the free chocolate and beads. I guess people who are willing to compete for the love of Brett Michaels are probably pretty easily impressed. They get a note from Ricki and Risky reads it out loud because otherwise Brit would have spent the entire evening trying to sound out the words. The note says they get to go out drinking and have fun that night before getting down to work in the morning. Yeah, nothing says “I’m ready to help the impoverished” like a crippling hangover and 40-proof sweat.

In case you watch this show without taking notes, here’s a great fashion tip from Kip that you should definitely write down:

Boring repetitive Charm School moment number four (Marcia talks about being scared that she’s gonna drink) goes on for a while. Do you really need me recapping this stuff at this point? You’ve heard it all, I promise. Blah blah there’s booze around blah blah I’m an alcoholic. Whatever mental image that caused to appear to you, I’m absolutely positive it was more entertaining than what was actually happening on the show.

It’s time to have dinner with Ricki and the deans. Woohoo! Exciting! There’s the expecting discussions of how hard they’re going to have to work and how much they’re all growing and changing. For fuck’s sake, Vh1. You have four slutty women in the party capital of the USA and this is the best TV you can give us? I’m disappointed.

After dinner our fearsome foursome steps out on the town. They make it to a bar and I’m praying for someone to get alcohol poisoning or at least drag some innocent boy off for some bathroom sex or something. My gut tells me that instead this will be a night of listening to Marcia talk about not drinking though. Hey, here’s your Charm School drinking game for next week: Every time Marcia mentions alcohol, take a shot. Film the results and send them to me so that I can watch something entertaining and still related to Charm School.

Kip gets shitfaced, Risky looks on disapprovingly, Brit gets distracted by shiny things, and Marcia glares at all the lucky fuckers that haven’t admitted they’re alcoholics yet. Just when things it’s looking like that’s gonna be all that happens all night, Marcia disappears. Risky looks around for her while dramatic string music plays. We’re all biting our nails and watching in agony. Will Marcia drink? Will she?!?! Oh god it’s just too much to bear! Ohmigod! There she is! And she’s buying a test tube shot from that wandering cocktail waitress. All those days of sobriety flushed down the toilet! Why Marcia?!?! Why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh wait, psyche! She feeds it to the waitress and walks off without drinking. I feel cheapened by that entire experience.

After fulfilling her contractual duties to add some drama to this snoozefest, Marcia decides to head back to the hotel and get some sleep. Kip stays at the bar and drinks like a champ, and Risky expresses some concern over her crazy drunk behavior.

So around 3am the rest of the ladies head back to the hotel. Kip is stumbling around and screaming about corndogs and Snapple, and it is sadly the most entertaining part of this entire episode. Snapple and corndogs folks. This is what I endure so you don’t have to watch this crap to know what’s going on.

So hey, it’s the next morning and room service comes in to wake everyone up at quarter to seven. They have to eat some breakfast and be ready to go at 7:30. Marcia tells us all about how awesome she feels because she didn’t drink, and it’s time for all of us to take another shot. Kip does not want to get out of bed because she’s hungover, but I don’t even care because ohmigod Kip sleeps in leg-warmers.

Out front Stryker is waiting with some woman from the board of tourism, and they’re going to give the ladies a bus tour of New Orleans, complete with depressing stops in the hurricane ravaged neighborhoods that are still destroyed.

On the bus tour we learn all sorts of stuff, mostly that bus tours are really boring.

The bus drops the ladies off at an elementary school where Lala greets them, along with the director of a charity group called Hands On.

Everyone gets a t-shirt and the ladies set off to work. They have to build some flower boxes and paint up the basketball courts and stuff like that. They get paired up with some actual volunteers and get straight to work. Risky is concerned about their building abilities after the whole jungle gym fiasco, and rightly so. Brit shows us all what a strong independent woman she is by proclaiming that building stuff is a man’s job, before spending the entire day trying to make a hammer connect with a nail.

Kip reminds us all that she’s not a total vapid waste of air and saline by hanging out with the kids. I hate to say it, because she’s on a trashy Vh1 reality show which will no doubt bring shame upon her family, but I bet she’s a really good mom. Granted, my own mother is an alcoholic religious fundamentalist who abandoned all her children years ago, so my basis for what constitutes good parenting may be a bit skewed.

After about five hours of work Lala comes over and talks to all the ladies. She wants to know who they all think has been working the hardest, and they all vote for Marcia. That means Marcia gets to go back to the hotel and relax for the rest of the day, while everyone else moves on to help out another charity. I’m trying to think of a snarky way to make that paragraph entertaining, but there’s only so much I can do. When life gives you lemons sometimes you just have to throw them in your produce drawer and move on.

The next stop on our Pretend You Give A Shit Cause There’s 100K On The Line tour is The New Orleans Mission. Lisa Loeb informs our Skank Troupe that they will be setting up, cooking, and serving food to a bunch of hungry and/or homeless people.

Brittanya is setting out cutlery and comes up with the idea to fill her apron up with forks and knives so she doesn’t have to keep going back and forth. The Lesbinator 2000 tells her she’s smart and Brit just giggles. I would think she’d want to cherish this moment forever, because it’s probably the only time anyone will call her smart for the rest of her life.

Ricki shows up at the shelter, and I really want to make fun of her outfit, but I think it’s doing a fine job making fun of itself.

Everyone talks about helping people who need help, and then they do their whole charity dinner thing. It’s uneventful. Trust me.

In the end Brit gets voted as hardest worker and gets to go back to the hotel, while Kip and Risky move on to their third charity of the day. They go to the Hands On Warehouse and paint some stuff and use some tools. Seriously, what’s the point of even recapping this part? You know all that stuff that I’ve been recapping for the past couple pages? It’s just like that except now it’s dark out. Use your damn imaginations.

Back at the hotel room Marcia is trying to goad Brit into a fight. I don’t know if it’s part of her devious tactics to win the show by making others looks bad, or if she’s just a bitch without tequila. Brit snaps a little and there’s some minor yelling, but no fisticuffs of any sort ensue. Lame.

The next morning the ladies get a note saying they have to go back and finish working at the elementary school. They all look thrilled, as do I. They get there and it’s the same shit, different day. I know, I know, I’m totally phoning in this recap. In my defense, Vh1 has been totally phoning in this entire season of Charm School. I just want to get through this crap and onto the finale, which I promise to recap to the full extent of my snarky abilities.

Lala shows up and Marcia sits her down and tells her that Brit isn’t changing and she tried to fight her last night. Nice gameplay there, Marcia. Way to outwit Brittanya. You should be very proud. You’re officially as smart as a hammer.

Ricki shows up to check on everyone’s progress, and seriously, who is dressing this woman?

The playground is finished and Ricki has the kids from the school come out to check it out. There’s lots of hugging and lots more talking about how helping out is so rewarding. And then one of the kids calls Brittanya fat and she punches him in the face. Figuring she’s safe for the week, Marcia pulls out the bottle of tequila she’s had hidden in her bra and does body shots off the Hands On staff members while Ricki looks on in horror.

Oh sorry, I was daydreaming about a show that didn’t make me want to gouge my own eyes out for entertainment. Yeah, nothing at all happened. Hugs and talking. That’s it.

Yay! It’s expulsion time! Since you’ve all read the numerous recaps of speeches about changing and who’s there for the right reasons, instead I present you with a photo montage of Ricki making sad face.

Uh… Okay, so for whatever reason the “full” episode on Vh1.com ends there, even though there were a ton more lame sad faces and stuff when I watched it on my television. What a bunch of crap. Anyway, the rest of the expulsion ceremony is Ricki is all like, “Psyche, you’re totally awesome Marcia, get back in line.” Then she’s calls Brit down and cries and cries and cries and tells her she’s not progressing fast enough, and they send her packing. Brit says she’s a hustler and she’ll get the money somehow, and with that we’re down to our final three.

We’re getting a clip show this week, but since I have nothing else to do I suppose I’ll recap it. Maybe all the entertaining footage has been getting edited out and saved for the clip show. I can hope anyway.