Charm School: It’s All About the Wordplay

Last week on Charm School: Trash picked up trash, Kiki got eliminated, and we learned a whole new racial stereotype. We already learned that black girls are loud and white girls are drunk strippers with fake boobs, but now we also know that girls of indiscriminate racial heritage are mute. Awesome. I’m learning so many new things from this show.

We open with Kiki’s elimination and Soho losing her damn mind. She’s crying and screaming about how unfair it is and says she’s leaving Charm School. She calls Marcia a potentially dangerous alcoholic, and I’m wondering what real danger she poses. I mean, so long as you know not to make out with her when she’s coming out of the bathroom you should be safe. Anyway, Brett Michaels totally deserved the puke kiss. Soho says something I try really hard to understand, but what I get is:

Soho calls her boyfriend and tells him she’s coming home. He tries to talk her into sticking it out for the hundred grand, but she tells him it’s not worth it, and then starts making up words again. Hey Soho, I hear if you yell your made-up words loud enough Mr. Webster will add them to his dictionary.

“thees sose b reeeltily! Ya hear that Mr. Webster?”

Kip, Brittanya, and Farrah are all outside hiding from the scary screeching of non-words and Farrah compares them to a bunch of squacking chickens. Um, no Farrah, they make dolphin noises, okay. Chickens are much less shrill. Soho shows us her buttcrack while telling us she doesn’t need Charm School. She says she’s not dropping out, she’s protesting, and then calls herself a modern-day Martin Luther King. Yeah, you know, risking your life fighting for the rights of an entire race of people amidst death threats in a scary and intolerant time is totally the same as walking off a VH1 reality show. Gandhi ain’t got shit on you, Soho.

Farrah says she feels like she got dropped in the middle of the ghetto, and she just can’t take it anymore. In her confessional she tells us that she’s not quitting, she’s dropping out. Umm… Can someone tell me what the difference is? Have you ever walked up to someone and said, “Hey, I heard you quit college.” and the other person was all like, “Bitch, I didn’t quit, I dropped out. There’s a difference.” I’m seriously trying to think of any way those things could be different from each other, because Farrah’s my girl and I hate to think she’s a moron, but I’m left with no choice here. Charm School girls, English is not a strong subject for any one of you. Let’s try and keep the wordplay to a minimum, okay? Anyway, Farrah says she’ll just go make a hundred grand stripping, and I totally believe her. I have a friend that strips three nights a week and makes anywhere from 150k to 200k a year. Imagine how much cash you rake in if you’re semi-famous…

The next morning Bubbles is doing the dishes in some cute little fluffy cloud pajamas. Brit is at the table praying and it’s pretty hilarious.

Brit and Kip are in their rooms complaining about all the yelling in the house. They both say they wake up with headaches everyday and I have one word for them

Brit’s talking shit about Tranny to Kip and says she looks like a dude and totally wants to be her, and of course Tranny hears all this and she is PISSED! She tells us that she’s gonna ruin Brittanya’s life, but seeing as how Brit is a violent offender who’s facing jail time I really don’t see what Tranny thinks she’s gonna accomplish.

Ricki tells us she wants to get a handle on things since the house is so out of control, so she calls an emergency assembly. Risky tells the cameras that she’s freaking out thinking that it’s going to be a surprise elimination ceremony. Honey, five girls have gone home over the course of two episodes. VH1 has to make it through an entire season with you skanks and I would frankly be surprised if anyone went home tonight. So everyone meets to discuss the battle lines that have been drawn in the house. Ricki asks for volunteers to come up front and bitch about stuff and of course Risky practically leaps out of her chair and sprints to the throne of complaining.

Risky tells Ricki she thinks the elimination was unfair, and Ricki tries to explain why she sent Kiki home. Ricki asks her if she thinks it was a racist thing and Risky says yes. That kinda pisses me off. There are a lot more black girls left on the show then white girls, and actually if we’re not counting the mute girls of indiscriminate racial heritage, there’s just Porno and Kip left representin’ for the white trash. No one called racism when Gia got sent home, but I guess now that our generation’s skanky female version of Martin Luther King is gone the producers are gonna start making the black girls ride on the back of the short bus. Come back to us Soho, and free us from the oppression that is these cracker ass judges.

3bay is next in the complain-o-matic and says that Farrah and Kip accused them of playing the race card. I’m wondering when and how that happened, and the producers are not kind enough to give us a flashback.

She says Kip called her ghetto and gets very adamant about the fact that she has never been ghetto in her life. She calls herself passionate, and I think passionate is the new codeword for psycho bitch.

Kip hops up and says she hates being called racist because she has a mixed race baby so clearly that can’t be true. She apologizes to Porno and says she’s gonna work on not being so mean to other people. Porno accepts but in confessional she’s very sarcastic and insincere. Okay, she’s a snotty bitch, but what do we really expect from Porno.

K.O. is next and she becomes my new hero by stating that Porno is the biggest problem in the house because she’s constantly starting shit and then trying to play the victim. Porno tells us in confessional that she doesn’t understand why she would say that because she (Porno) is completely Zen. Yeah, darlin’, I think the word you’re looking for is crazy.

Later that night, outside it’s rainy with a chance of thunder. Inside is screamy with a chance of batshit insane. Porno is yelling at K.O. for calling her an instigator. K.O. gets very upset and this is her defense.

3bay gets pissed because they’re fighting, and I think that’s a bit of the pot calling the kettle loud and obnoxious. Wait, bad analogy because kettles are kinda loud and obnoxious… Oh well, moving on. Just as quickly as Porno was the RcoL girls’ new best friend, they turn on her like a pack of hyenas. Yeah, no one saw that coming. I’m very much looking forward to the new depths of craziness we’re going to see Porno dive to now that she realizes she has no friends.

The next morning Brittanya wakes up to go off to her court date. She’s scared of going to prison, and I don’t blame her. I know she likes to fight, but those big scary women in cell block D would be all over making her their bitch. Get thee to a lawyer Brittanya. Stat! Marcia mentions to Tranny that Brittanya had to go off to court and Tranny goes off on a tirade about how Brittanya is a horrible person and she doesn’t deserve to be in Charm School. Tranny, I get why you’re upset, but just because someone doesn’t like you that doesn’t make them evil.

Brittanya gets back and tells us her lawyer is telling her she’s looking at a minimum of a year in jail, and that she needs to come up with 25 large to even keep the lawyer. I know there’s a hundred thousand dollar prize if you win Charm School, but if I were a super hot pseudo-celebrity go-go dancer in need of lots of money, my ass would be go-go dancing. Or hooking. Whatever, anything’s better than being Bertha’s love slave for 52 weeks, right?

Ricki announces over the loud speaker that they’re going to a test to see how they interact with people they have nothing in common with. I’m praying for a Mensa party or something along those lines, but I know from watching the teaser for this episode that VH1 is just not that cool. Bubbles babbles for a minute about party people being considered dumb sometimes and how she knows that she’s not dumb. Okay, Bubbles. The important thing is that you don’t think you’re dumb. Screw those standardized tests, the opinions of millions of TV viewers, and every teacher you ever had. Fight the power and stuff.

So the third commandment is Thou Shalt Play Nice With Others. I don’t mean to nitpick here, but these commandments are pretty weak. Maybe we should be working on Thou Shalt Not Get Shitfaced And Puke on the Floor or Thou Shalt Not Make Dolphin Noises at Sweet Dumb Girls. Just a suggestion…

Lala and Stryker haul the girls on the short bus over to a party full of old people. Tranny tells us she doesn’t like being near death, so she’s not comfortable around the elderly.

Kip finds an old lady in leopard print and they bond over their shared love of fake animal designs on clothing. Bubbles tells us she loves old people and that she takes naps with her great grandma. I’m pretty sure her great grandma just pretends to be asleep so Bubbles will stop talking, but don’t tell Bubbles that. Porno is having some drinks with some old guys and talking about being “Tight in the right places.” That’s super classy honey. Someone give this ho a diploma right now!

Bubbles is bonding with some cute little old lady who writes murder mysteries and it’s kinda cute. Some old guy keeps telling Porno he knows her from somewhere, and lo and behold, he recognizes her from Porno. In confessional she says she got recognized from one of her productions, and I am forced to once again call shenanigans. Have you ever heard someone say, “Hey, I recognize you, you’re the guy that produced Fight Club.” Yeah, see, I love Fight Club, but I have no idea what the producer looks like. That’s because producers don’t get in front of the camera and take money shots to the eye.

Elsewhere at the party, Marcia is talking about cruises, K.O. is pouring her heart out about never having parents or grandparents, and 3bay is getting all the old folks up to dance. I’m really impressed, and I think if there’s any chance of redeeming any of these girls they need to relocate Charm School to a retirement castle right now.

An old guy goes to get out of his chair and falls down. He doesn’t even fall all the way and he does so rather slowly, but VH1 graces us with highly dramatic music so that it feels like a life or death situation. 3bay saves the day through cunning use of a chair and some water. Phew! Crisis narrowly averted! And with that it’s time for the old people to vote on who they liked best. They give a few shout-outs to Bubbles and K.O. but in the end the winner is 3bay. Stryker tells them that everyone but 3bay is going to detention, and 3bay tells us she won because she has an old soul.

In the cafeteria-like-place, Tranny is telling K.O., 3bay, and Risky who to vote for. She wants to get Brittanya, Porno, and Bubbles down on the carpet so that Brittanya goes home. After canvassing for votes it’s time for detention. Porno shows up wearing stupid headphones not connected to any sources of music at all.

So the ladies vote and it’s three for Porno, two for Brittanya, two for Bubbles, and one for Marcia. K.O. is mad and says Tranny promised to vote for Brittanya too and now she doesn’t know if she can trust her. Here’s a helpful hint K.O., because I like you: Don’t trust any of these whores!

Lala and Stryker meet up with Ricki and weigh in on who they think should get expelled. Stryker thinks Porno needs to go, and as much as I don’t like her I don’t want her gone yet. She’s entertaining, what can I say? Ricki says it’s a really tough decision but someone HAS to go home. I seriously doubt that if they plan on having a full season of this show, but let’s pretend like we’re dumb so it can be a huge shock when no one has to leave.

“Elimination” time. The chosen ones step onto the carpet and state their cases. Porno tells us in confessional that she got voted for because the other girls see her as a threat. Umm… Maybe a threat in the sense that you might collect their hair for voodoo dolls, but no one thinks you’re going to win, darlin. Kip tells the cameras that Charm School can’t help Porno because she needs to be somewhere where she can get the proper medication. I’m with Kip on that one.

Porno still has her stupid headphones on and you can see that she’s trying with all her might to be the fun zany wacky girl. It’s almost sad, but mostly it’s just funny in a laughing at her and not with her sort of way. Brittanya thinks she’s on the carpet because she’s a threat, and since that’s exactly what K.O. told her it pretty much makes sense. Bubbles thinks she’s an easy target, and that’s pretty obvious as well. Porno is dancing like a moron and clearly annoying the piss out of everyone. Stryker calls her out for being a drama queen and playing the victim all the time. Lala points out that showing up in headphones is disrespectful and Porno FINALLY takes them off. The judges point out that a lot of people think that Porno is fake and she gets very upset, but let’s be real here for a second. I would guess that anywhere from 40 to 65 percent of Porno is fake, and that’s only because I’m assuming she’s still running on all her original organs.

Ricki reaches her decision, and after psyching the girls out for a minute she tells them that no one’s going home. Yeah. Shocker. No really. Shocker.

Tranny is pissed that after all her hard work no one went home. I’m pretty sure that gossiping with some girls for five minutes and telling them who to vote for isn’t really hard work, but hey, what do I know?

Next time on Charm School: Marcia gets drunk and naked, some irresponsible parents leave their children with these crazy bitches, Kip is mean to Bubbles, and 3bay and Risky make dolphin noises at Porno when they hear her talking shit about them. Tune in, tune out, blah blah, stay skanky.