Charm School: It’s Not Skanky If It’s For Charity

Last week on Charm School… Ummm… Yeah, I think I took a nap or something because it was the most boring hour of television since round one of the Westminster Dog Show. In the end 3bay chose to go home, and no one was brought back, leaving us with only five ho’s left to battle it out for the diploma.

We open on another bright and sunny day in Charm School. The birds are singing, the chipmunks are frolicking, and Bubbles is cleaning the bathroom. Can you feel the excitement brewing? I know I can.

Marcia is having a really rough time with the whole sobriety thing, so she decides to call her good friend Maria. I guess Maria was on Rock Of Love with her, and I watched that entire season of Whore Bus and I cannot remember who the hell she was. Since doing research isn’t in my job description I’m going to assume she was the model that got all sick and then went home. VH1 is kind enough to show us a picture of her, but it doesn’t really help.

Marcia whines that the other girls drink in front of her and she’s worried that she’s gonna crack. Maria gives her a pep talk about hanging in there and graduating and how she can do it. Marcia says the pep talk really helped, but she pronounces it “Pap talk” and that just makes me think of a speculum doling out motherly advice.

Ricki drags everyone out of bed by announcing over the intercom that it’s time for their next lesson. Kip complains about having to wake up early, and says she dropped out of high-school so she wouldn’t have to deal with mornings. Is anyone else shocked to learn that you don’t need a diploma to dance on a pole? I bet the girls with diplomas earn twice as much for taking their tops off. Or at least that’s what my guidance counselor led me to believe.

The ladies make their way to the lecture hall, and Stryker tells them that the eighth commandment is, “Thou Shalt Give it Thy All.” These commandments aren’t even worth making fun of anymore. Let’s just try and learn and grow and stuff. Stryker talks about determination and drive and not giving up, and introduces this week’s guest speaker.

April talks about how in life sometimes we all fall down, and she asks the class what it took to motivate them to get back up when they fell. For me it’s fear of being trampled, along with the general discomfort of staying on the floor, but the ladies all roll off answers like their children and their families and stuff. Yeah, yeah, very heartwarming. You’ll get back up for your kids, but not being a huge skank on national television is asking a bit too much I guess.

April talks about how she’s always been a runner, but in college she was in a train accident. And then she does this:

Her actual quote here is, “When I woke up from the accident, my leg had fallen off.” Umm… Okay, I know you’re an inspiration and I respect you and everything, but I’m pretty sure your leg didn’t fucking fall off. Maybe it was severed, maybe it was crushed, and maybe it was amputated, but there’s no medical way that it fell off unless you had leprosy.

Kip reminds me why I used to think she was awesome by simply commenting, “Nice shoes.”

April talks about how she thought she’d never be able to run track again and felt like her life was over, but then she got back up and started running again. Good for her. I have two fully functional legs and I won’t run unless I’m chasing the ice cream truck or being chased by rabid dogs or something. If I lost a limb I would consider that my all-expenses paid ticket to morphine-ville and 16 hours a day of reality television. I’m not what you would call a go-getter.

April chastises the ladies for not listing off themselves as a reason to get back up, and then hands each girl a mirror. She tells the girls to, one at a time, look in the mirror and tell her what they see. I have five bucks that says Brittanya is going to be really really confused and most likely give a physical description of herself. Any takers?

Risky goes first and says she’s a very caring person but she needs to learn to open up more. Brittanya is next. Brace your braincells everyone. You’re about to lose a couple of them just for watching this (or reading about it). First she says she looks like crap, and then she asks if she’s supposed to describe herself. I wonder how often her young child has to explain his homework to her when she tries to help out.

After a solid thirty seconds of Brittanya giggling and going, “uhh… ummm… I don’t know… Uhh…” Bubbles chimes in and tells her that she’s a very caring person and she has a lot of potential to do good. Honey, when Bubbles is saving your ass on a class assignment, it may be time to resign yourself to dancing around with your top off as your only viable career option. If that’s too difficult for you then I recommend moving to New Jersey and becoming a housewife…

Kip goes next and admits that she’s a bitch. Bubbles interrupts and says that she sees a person that needs to love themself more. Kip is not amused.

Bubbles takes her turn and gets really into it, shouting at her reflection about not letting other people bring her down. April is impressed, but I think there’s a chance that Bubbles thinks there’s a real person who looks exactly like her trapped in the mirror. Marcia mostly shakes and almost cries, but April gives her props as well. God I wish classes were this easy in real life. Can I trade out O-chem for Charm School 101 and still graduate? I would way rather talk to myself in a mirror any day.

April reminds them all to love themselves, and class is adjourned. Stryker tells the ladies that later they’ll be doing some work to raise money to buy books and games for underprivileged kids. Someone should take a few of those books and give them to Brittanya, but if they don’t have pictures she’ll never be able to sound out the words.

Back in the dorms Bubbles is going on and on about the lesson and wants everyone to talk about what they learned.

Bubbles reminds us all that when we love ourselves it helps us be more secure in ourselves. I know I try and love myself at least twice a day, and while I’m not sure what it does for my security, it certainly makes me much less stressed out. Risky says that Bubbles thinks she knows everything, and so clearly she doesn’t need to be there.

Ricki sends everyone to their lockers to get in uniform for their next task. They find some cowboy hats and other assorted western wear, and Bubbles guesses that maybe they’re going to go on a hayride. And she’s not even the dumbest one in the house, which frightens me.

The girls get suited up and take the short bus to The Saddle Ranch Chop House. Okay, so I will admit that I’m not all that well traveled, but what the fuck is a chop house? Where I’m from (aka the ghetto) that would be a place where stolen cars go to get magically transformed into completely legal car parts that fell off the back of a truck. This place just kind of looks like a western bar/eatery though.

Stryker and Ricki tell the ladies that they will be collecting sponsors to give them money based on how many seconds they can stay on a mechanical bull. On the plus side, they’re letting them keep their tops on. On the negative side, they’re making them ride a mechanical bull. How is this helping to make them charming? I mean, I get that it’s for charity, but if someone offered to donate ten grand to Hands Across America if you would take part in a midget gang-bang, that wouldn’t make it any less skanky. Whatever happened to walking for charity?

Kip shocks us all with the confession that she’s done topless bull-riding. I for one am absolutely taken aback. She seems like such a classy girl.

Stryker says the ladies will have thirty minutes to collect as many donations as possible, and the patrons can donate either one dollar, three dollars, or five dollars per second they stay on the bull. He tries to tie it into a lesson by saying they’ll need to be charming to collect donations, but I think by charming he means slutty and flirtatious. Whoever raises the most money will safe from expulsion.

So they let the customers in, and the girls all go off to try and earn money. Risky talks about the charity and how it helps kids, Bubbles kind of hides in the corner, Kip kisses creepy old guys, Brittanya sits in a lot of sketchy laps, and Marcia talks about being an alcoholic. Let’s see how these different game plans pan out.

Stryker calls the two minute warning, and Bubbles changes tactics from sad little puppy to obnoxious yelling drunk girl. It seems to work out okay, but with only two minute of effective money collecting I think she’s probably screwed.

Stryker calls time and the ladies bring their donations up to be counted. Risky is up first, and she managed to collect $120 dollars per second she can stay on. Let’s see if the power of pulling on people’s heartstrings is any match for the power of shoving your triple d-cups in someone’s face. Before we hear how much the other ladies collected Risky has to stay on the bull for as long as possible.

She lasts ten seconds, which means she earned $1,200. VH1 is much more generous when they’re giving away other people’s money.

Bubbles is up next, and she pulled in a measly $39 per second. Just in case you guys ever need to collect money for charity and/or to pay for a crippling meth addiction, please keep in mind that hiding in the corner is a highly ineffectual way to bring in the dough.

Bubbles manages to stay on for 22 seconds before the bull clocks her one in the face and she falls off. Impressive time, but multiply that with her paltry earnings and she’s only raised $858. Lame.

Kip is up next and she’s managed to pull in $139 per second. The power of boobs and sluttiness really isn’t anything to fuck with. Too bad neither will help keep her on the bull. I think the boobs might actually be a hindrance where balance is concerned.

Kip does a killer backflip to faceplant dismount, and says if she still had a uterus she would feel like it was about to fall out. Insert your own joke here. She did manage to stay on for ten seconds though, which puts her in the lead with $1,390.

Brittanya is up next, and her sparkling conversational skills (see: boobs) have earned her $124 per second. Let’s see how she does against the bull.

The bull makes one rotation without even bucking and Brittanya hits the ground. It’s a good thing she’s pretty because she has absolutely nothing else to fall back on. She stayed on for three whole seconds, which earned $372 for charity. Kip is still in the lead, with one more skank left to go.

Marcia pulled in $120 per second, so I guess the lesson here is that there’s money in sob stories, but there’s slightly more money in really big tits. Marcia hops on the bull and has a decent run while making highly inappropriate sex noises. It’s mildly creepy, but she stays on for fifteen seconds, which means she’s the winner with $1,800.

After the bull-riding the girls all sit down to dinner at The Saddle Ranch. Kip is drunk and yelling about cheeseburgers. Watch out, honey. Remember what happened last time a pseudo-celebrity got drunk and had a cheeseburger?

Risky picks on Bubbles a tiny bit about raising the least amount of money, although if any of these ladies were capable of doing math they would realize that she actually raised more money than Brittanya. Oh well, let’s just watch them be morons, shall we? Bubbles cries and then tells everyone not to feel sorry for her, while Kip talks to her cheeseburger and professing her undying love to it. There’s a fight between Bubbles and Kip that involves a lot of “I know you are but what am I?” levels of wit and intelligence. I would recap it fully, but I lost enough braincells just listening to it. God knows what would happen if I tried to transcribe it.

Risky tries to change the subject by talking about Brittanya’s buttcrack hanging out all night and everyone is laughing and having a good time, but Bubbles isn’t done arguing yet and calls Kip a mean girl. Kip counters by calling Bubbles retarded, and a hush falls over the dinner table.

Bubbles goes into full fledged five-year-old mode and announces that she’s tellin’. I want to stick up for Bubbles because she’s sweet and all and everyone always picks on her, but I’m almost positive that if I was forced to spend an entire hour with her I would call her something way meaner than retarded.

The next morning the ladies report to the lecture hall for a homework assignment. They find a table full of finger-paint, which Kip immediately mistakes for lube.

So the assignment is to use the finger-paints to make portraits of all the other girls and how you see them on the inside. I’m pretty sure that Kip and Brit have literally seen each other on the inside, but I doubt either one will be cool enough to paint a picture of what that looks like. They also have to write down one fault on each painting that the other girls should work on. Let the mud-slinging cleverly disguised as kindergarten arts and crafts begin!

Ricki comes in to check out their work and see what they think of each other. Everyone thinks that Risky is a good person with a big heart that just needs to open up more. Boring. Risky comes up to talk about what she painted for Brittanya, and I’m amazed no one went with the obvious blank canvas.

Risky says that Brittanya needs to be a better mother, and Brittanya agrees with her. Damn! Either Brit is really good at taking criticism or she’s so confused that she doesn’t know how badly she just got burned. My money is on the latter.

Brit comes up to talk about Marcia and tells us she painted Goofy because Marcia is funny and silly.

Marcia thinks Kip is a bitch, and Kip thinks Bubbles talks too much. Bubbles takes this opportunity to narc on Kip for calling her retarded again. Ricki is highly distraught over this news, but I’m pretty sure VH1 won’t let her send Kip home quite yet so I’m sure they’ll downplay it when it comes down to elimination time.

After the grueling finger-painting assignment the girls are sent off to bed to rest up for the next day’s expulsion ceremony. Brit decides she needs to talk to Ricki one-on-one, and they discuss her relative failures as a parent. Hey Brit, you know what makes for a crappy parent? Abandoning your child for months at a time to do VH1 reality shows. At least once you go to prison you can just tell him you’re taping a new “Of Love” show and he’ll never know the difference.

Brit tells Ricki she wants to win the hundred grand so she can open up a beauty salon.

Kip has a one-on-one next, and tells Ricki that she’s growing and changing and blah blah blah. Yeah, it’s cool. We get it. Bubbles is annoying and you’re a bitch, but you’ll probably get to stay because you’re way more entertaining than she is.

Kip heads back to her room, and then VH1 cues the dramatic string quartet, which can only mean one thing. It’s elimination time! Are you guys on the edges of your seats? I know I am, but only because there’s a kitty asleep in the chair behind me and I don’t want to wake him up.

Ricki reminds everyone that Marcia is safe

Brittanya says that she thinks she’s the only one there for the right reasons. I’m a little blurry on what those reasons are supposed to be. Paying for a lawyer, maybe? Ricki decides that Risky is definitely safe, and Brit, Kip, and Bubbles get called down to the carpet. Ricki tells Brit that she thinks she’s really there to change and be a better mom, and that she’s safe.

Oooh! Ohmigod you guys! It’s down to Bubbles and Kip! And they totally don’t like each other. This couldn’t possibly be any more dramatic if VH1 influenced the judges decisions in order to create more entertaining television.

Ricki talks some bullshit about progression and who has further to go, and based on that she sends Bubbles home. This is the only school environment on earth where you get kicked out for learning too effectively. It’s kind of awesome.

Bubbles cries a bit, as is standard during send-off, and wishes the other ladies the best of luck. Ricki breaks up the tension by telling the final four that they’re all headed to New Orleans to work with Katrina victims. I’m sure their help will in some way involve collecting beads by showing their boobies or something.

Next week on Charm School: I didn’t pay enough attention to the preview. Hehe… Whoops. Umm… Something about New Orleans and beads and Marcia wanting to get drunk. Also, I’ve decided that I will write the recap drunk because writing these things sober is just starting to make me sleepy. Oh, and I’ll be doing a random recap of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF sometime in the next couple days so maybe these ladies won’t seem so bad after that. Ciao Gasmii. Until we meet again.