Charm School: Skank-a-lot

****Well, you guys have been sending your letters in begging for Charm School, and since we are in complete and total love with you, please welcome Monamonzano!!

Yikes. Makeover time!

Whose up for some CHARM SCHOOL? I know I am. Sorry I’m just starting to write on the 3rd episode, but I’ve been busy, motherfuckers,. You know, doin’ what I do: taming rattlesnakes and eating churros. Now, though, I think I’m ready to get all up in Skank with new Rock of Love: Charm School Recaps. What say you?

Breaking Plants and takin’ names….

Episode 1, if you all can remember through a haze of drunken vodka red bulls, we get introduced to the ladies (and I’m using that term really, really, ridiculously loosely) and their teacher, Sharon Osbourne. Has anyone seen the promos for the show? Sharon Osbourne should be thanking photoshop for making her look like an alabaster greek rock goddess. She looks slightly more human on tv, though- and despite the gentle ribbing, I still dig her. After all, she’s married to Ozzie Osbourne, who’s practically comatose. The woman must have the patience and fastidiousness of like, Ghandi and Mother Theresa combined.

Oh, and we meet the Charm School “Deans,” Riki Ratman, some guy in the music business and Daniella Clark, who sells jeans or something. Sounds…charmy. She sort of looks like a mummy, though, and I guess is the wife of some guy in Guns n’ Roses.

And the girls themselves? Angelique, the greasy french, prostitute, Courtney the boozehound, Jessica the not bleach blonde, Destiney (the name speaks for itself), Brandi M. the one I sorta like (is this possible??), Christie Jo Married, Jessica streak-hair, Megan Trophy-wife, Brandi pink-hair nasal-face, Rodeo I have a kid, Raven McWeave, Inna AARP stripperface, Heather the outrageous ex-stripper pro wrestler super hero, Dallas I-need-Anger-management and Lacy evil period-hair.

Wow.

In the end of episode one, Raven Mcweave leaves because she thinks she’s less slutty and stupid than the rest (HA!) and Dallas anger management, Courtney 12 step program and Evil Lacy Period- hair are on the chopping block.

In the end, Courtney gets sent outta charm school and into the arms of sweet mother alcohol. Probably. Poor lady- I would’ve preferred Evil-face Lacy expelled from my home planet. Ah, wishes….

An Alcohol Problem and a snaggle tooth…this really is an American Tragedy.

In Episode 2, Evil Lacy is already making alliances with her fellow skanky bitches. Ugh. Then, the crew heads to the beach for a good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking and the girls have to make a green room for Gilby Clark.

The end of episode 2 leaves Brandi M, Angelique and Dallas Anger-Management up for elimination. Angelique goes home, which is good because when I had to look at her face onscreen sometimes I’d feel nauseated. I mean, she’s so botoxy and sweaty, she was like a chicken wing. Or, a frog leg. I feel bad.

SO now we’re finally on to Episode 3, up to date and up and running. We start the new episode with Brandi C and Evil Lacy talking about how Angelique should not’ve gone home. Megan, the smiley bitch with the maltreated dog who wants to be a trophy wife keeps badmouthing my girl Brandi M. – is it wrong that I still like Brandi M? She’s somewhat normal, isn’t she? Or am I just blinded by her skull paraphernalia?

Ugh, I hate Lacey SO MUCH. If she says “that seed has been planted” one more time, I’m going to scream. In the morning, while the girls get skin cancer, Sharon Osbourne sends them a little note.

Tyra Mail!

They are instructed to dress in their favorite outfit and meet in the classroom. Wow, this should be rich. Are we sure there are enough pink chrome bikini tops to go around? Too bad this charm school doesn’t have a Gadzooks so the girls can top off their pink fluffy garter belts with a torn up poly-blend top. It’s a shame, really. Anyhoo, as Megan housewife shoves her poor dog into another degrading costume, the girls busily look their sluttiest.

Somebody please kill me.

Jessica’s right, observing that most of the girls look ready to give handjobs or fly off a bull at the local county fair. Okay, I punched her words up a bit, because of her low IQ.

I know, we don’t look like our pictures on the website. Do you still want that double handjob, or what?

Daniella Zombie-face is in the classroom, reiterating the second lesson: “thou shalt rock it in style.” And she’s brought a little friend, Melissa Meister, (sounds like Mister Mister. Heheheh. I’m awesome.) Mister Mister has designed for the likes of the Dixie Chicks (Rodeo, don’t you love that?) Sharon Stone, and the Williams sisters.

Yeah. I’m super happy to be here.

She picks on Brandi C. to come up, who bounces to the front of the class and proclaims that her favorite outfit ever is the one she’s wearing, just a little something she got on sale of the TJ MAXX rack. And I’m being optimistic when I say that, because most TJ MAXX stuff sort of has brand names attached to it. I love how her gut’s hanging out and how fucking proud she looks in this still:

Only 6.95 and it’s STILL my fave!

When she’s talking to the Camera, Brandi C. Calls the outfit “Lingerie-like. ” Um, last time I checked if you can see your nipples and the bottoms come in “thong,” it’s lingerie. And then she’s all like, “grr..” ok. Does anyone else also notice her hair keeps getting dark and then light pink? Is it just not shot in sequence and fading, or does she keep reapplying that ugly shade of pink to her already bleached tresses for the hell of it?

I feel like there’s something I’m missing with these girls. It’s like I’m speaking english and they’re speaking ancient, slutty Gaelic. Or something.

Brandi M. keeps calling it like it is, saying “who the fuck wears lingerie out?” So much so that I can forgive her for her slightly ugly Morticia Adams sundress.

See? Could be worse.

Oh, and P.S. holy shit, look at Rodeo’s camel toe!

My vagina hurts just looking at it…

Still, it’s hilarious. Mister Mister tells everyone to write down three words that describe Rodeo’s outfit, and they say shit like “Country Bumpkin” and “Crocodile Hunter” (perceptive, Megan. very Perceptive). Mister Mister tells Rodeo to zip up her booby-area, and she proclaims that “she can’t,” and laughs like no laugh I’ve EVER HEARD BEFORE. It’s like a cross between a dying donkey and a slutty teakettle.

Rodeo: Adorably Unlistenable

Her son must be so proud.

An exasperated Mister Mister weakly suggests she put a Camisole under her top, and then, of course, just wishes she’d never taken this Charm School gig.

I’d take notes, but I don’t know my letters.

Then beautiful, Young, Heather comes up for her critique. Megan the bitch calls her “has-been skanky.” And you know, Megan is right but she’s also a bitch, so I’m going to defend clueless Heather for a moment here. Megan is wearing a silver BIKINI, and defends herself by saying she “likes to wear bikinis all time time,” like, um, shopping and to Church or to a NICE LUNCH. A NICE LUNCH? Listen, Megan, Applebees doesn’t even let you in without a shirt, so maybe you’re version of a nice lunch is say, Arby’s Dollar Menu? And, you don’t even need to leave your car. Perfect!

I wish to be put to sleep quickly and effectively.

Then the girls vote as to which three most need a makeover, and the winners are (surprise surprise), Brandi C., Megan and Heather. By being picked, they get to model in a “fashion show,” (term used very, very loosely) with teams to dress ‘em up. The teams need to get three looks together- Interview Attire, Cocktail party outfit, and meeting a Rock N’ Roll boyfriend’s parents. Of course, all three of these seem like an impossible stretch, but most of all, meeting parents? These girls never leave the backseat much less get together enough to get out of their cover-band boyfriend’s Honda Civic to meet PARENTS. Oh, I’m excited to see how this turns out….

They all go to “it’s a wrap.” Then brilliant, gifted Heather asks if they could use “some of the clothing they already have.” RIGHT, go for it. It’s gotten you so far, why the fuck not, right? Oh Ladies, what will we do with you??

Another reason I like Brandi M.- she doesn’t like Brandi C, but she says she’s determined to make her look gorgeous. Awww. Brandi C. thinks her team sucks, but that her “beauty” might

“make us win.” Aww, smart and beautiful. These girls make me love the work I live in.

So the girls pile into the trashion show bus and head to the store. There, Brandi M. realizes that Brandi C. is actually a lady when she’s away from her gaggle of evil skank whores. Hmm. Megan, on the other hand, keeps on keepin’ on on her train o’ bitchwreck. Heather’s team seems competent and when Heather and Brandi C.’s teams are checking out, Megan is still pouting in the dressing room. When they finally do get to checking out, Megan eye’s Rodeo’s bracelet, rips it off her wrist, and sticks it in the bag. Ugh, I fucking hate Megan, mostly because she thinks she’s so hot and clever, with her bleach blonde hair and vacant smile. Ugh.

Back at the house, Rodeo is really upset about Megan taking the bracelet off, and she confronts Megan, Brandi C. and Evil Lacy about it.

Megan, epitomizing class.

Oh, know what else, Megan? You should really take your Bikini off. Crotch Rot’s a bitch.

At the fashion show, Sharon Osborne hammers home that “anything can happen, especially in Rock n’ Roll.” Okay- I’m confused. These girls- are they really in the music business? I mean, I guess that’s yes if by “music business” you mean sometimes they hum along to a song on the radio while they fornicate in the back of a strange man’s Honda Prelude. So I guess what I’m saying is that I still don’t know why the emphasis on Rock N. Roll. Anyhow, Riki weed whacks some of their clothes, and the girls freak out a bit. Then they have an hour to get their shit ready, once again.

On the runway, Jeffrey Sibila (Project Runway 3 winner) helps to judge which girl looks least skanky. Heather’s up first.

Rodeo’s camel toe.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Okay, here’s Heather, rocking her rock n’ roll interview:

Somebody please brush my hair….

Seriously, she looks like her own mom, who at this point is probably like 100 years old. But she doesn’t look like an aged stripper, so it’s an improvement.

Megan actually looks cute, though she’s wearing a scarf for a shirt.

Step. Smile smugly. Step. Smile smugly…

Team Brandi C. just looks like a dom with downs syndrome. But really, what’s with the weird scarf? I cant do anything about Brandi C.’s vacant look, though.

Lazy eye?

The Emcees are really fucking up, which is meant, in the program, to overshadow the clothing themselves. Of course- I mean, they can’t even make sentences, much less describe clothes. Am I right? Too much, Sharon Osbourne. Just, I dunno, give them some ribbon dancers or something they can’t wholly fuck up, you know?

Next is the cocktail party look. Heather sorta looks boring and cute, and by cute I mean she doesn’t look like an Octogenarian.

Yay! I can almost pass for 38!

Meanwhile, Megan wears this dowdy grey cocktail party dress.

I’ll only wear this if my dog can have a matching one.

The judges notice chocolate stains on the dress, and a tussle between Megan or Rodeo’s accountability makes Megan seem even bitchier. Next, Brandi C’s team:

Sorry. This one keeps slipping in.

Brandi C. looks like a pimp in her lame-ass leopard fedora and the SAME satin blouse from the interview.

The only one who beats on my girls is ME.

Oh, and last but certainly not least, the “Meeting the Parents” look! Heather comes out looking like a milk maid straight out of rehab. The judges ask her if she’d really wear it and she vehemently agrees, saying she’s liking the classy look. Emphasis on “assy.”

My tits look huge in this blouse! Why not?

Megan comes out in a super ugly peasant dress, and she looks like she’s about to eye-slaughter Rodeo.

I miss my chrome ‘kini, bitches.

Megan adds, though, that this particular dress was the one that she picked out. And then Rodeo says, “No it’s not.” Woah! Cat fight on the runway! Sharon puts the slutty bickering to rest and calls out Inna, who is Emceeing for Brandi C.’s team. Brandi actually looks fine in just a grey shirt and jeans, which is weird, these girls looking…sorta normal.

I might actually be human.

Sharon calls Heather’s group out and they say they liked working together, blah blah blah. Menawhile, she asks Megan’s bitches why they’re such bitches. They rehash the bracelet issue, Rodeo starts to cry and the rest of the Charm School bitches are surprised and delighted at Team Megan’s propensity for self-destruction.

I bet my blouse they’re going home. Guffaw, guffaw.

Sharon is embarrassed in front of Jeffrey, and the girls look like someone shoved a tub of peanut butter inside each of their little, puckered assholes.

the Charlie’s Angels of Skank

Heather’s team wins becase Inna can’t speak, and Brandi C. is pissed. Back in Skank-a-lot, Rodeo goes a-blubbering to Sharon Osbourne about the bracelet issue. Ugh- how many more minutes can we milk this issue? I mean, I hate Megan and Lacy, but Rodeo is such a freakin’ baby.

Nothing worse than a steroid-laced, 45 year old crybaby.

Or is there?

Rodeo is dismissed by a disgusted Sharon Osbourne, and Rodeo gets one more quip in before she sends Megan to Sharon. She says that she’s the “Classiest Lady in the house right now.” Right…did you not just see the picture of your vaginal lips lined with cheap, poly-blend short fabric? Well, I did.

Sharon asks Megan if she cheated in the challenge, and she says no, with that motherfucking smile on her stupid little face.

Megan: Begging to be slapped.

And then, the inevitable elimination. Riki tells Brandi C. that she was “the hottest chick in there.” and that she was “slammin.” Wowzers. Really? Literally or figuratively? I need more information before I puke. But hey, I guess I agreed before, right? Erg. Words! I win and I lose….

Inna, Megan, Lacy and Rodeo all get called down on the chopping block. Inna gets chided for being unprepared, Rodeo for being weird and melodramatic, and Lacy for weaseling in on all the drama. Sharon’s losing it, folks. Hide your small animals and your hair extensions, ladies!

AND I LOVE IT!

Sharon calls Lacey a big fucking bitch, and tells her to step out of the way for the reaming out of Megan, the queen fucking bitch. She keeps calling her a little bitch and saying that she changed her clothes, but she’s still a goddamn bitch! I love SHARON OSBOURNE! Yet, she still doesn’t let Megan go home. Erg.

Sharon tells Inna that she’s dirty (HA!) and then tells Rodeo that she lets her emotions get the best of her. In the end, Rodeo goes home. Farewell, my little camel-toe…..

Pack your banjo and your moonshine. Love ya!

But not without one last blubberfest about needin’ money and Megan being a bitch. Way to bow out with grace, Rodeo.

So….? What do you all think????? Excited for the season? I AM!