Charm School with Ricki Lake

***Please welcome your newest recapper, TheMiki, to the mix with Charm School. This was just assigned, so please give her a bit to catch up. And happy holiday!!

Greetings Gasmii. It’s time for another class filled season of Charm School and I have the honor of guiding you through all the trashiness that’s to come. So sit back, relax, and make sure your health insurance covers Valtrex.

We open with a cheesy patriotic scene with a terrible Obama impersonator basically blaming the whores from the Of Love shows for the nation falling apart. I would argue that subprime mortgages, a meaningless war, and eight years with a president that couldn’t spell president probably had a lot more to do with it, but whatever. If some guy who sounds mildly like Obama says it’s true then who am I to argue? Let’s meet our lovely contestants, shall we?

This is Gia. You may remember her as the girl who stuck a shot glass up her hoo-hoo on Rock of Love Whore Bus. She got eliminated the first round, but I think she managed to leave a pretty indelible impression on everyone.

Here’s So Hood. I never watched Real Chance at Love, but with a name like So Hood you know she’s just gonna ooze class and charm. She looks fairly harmless in this photo, but if the teaser clips are any indication, this sweet little kitty has claws, and those claws are probably carrying seven different forms of hepatitis.

Next up is Farrah, lead member of the Blondtourage and my favorite Whore Bus cast member. I’m absolutely rooting for her, but I don’t know how charming she’s gonna become with Ashley in the house. Those two are trouble together, which is awesome for the sake of entertainment, but maybe not so great for making strides in not being a giant whore.

This here is Bubbles. Another Real Chance girl, and she just screams stupid to me. Ironically, I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be the only one not literally screaming “Stupid” since all the other girls will be screaming it at her. She seems nice enough, but damn. Seriously, reading is fundamental and stuff.

Here we have Kiki. Why did this bitch get a totally normal name when all the other Real Chance girls have idiotic monikers? My guess is that she terrified her would-be suitors and they didn’t want her to cut them while they slept. Chick is gnarly.

This is KO. I spent a while wondering what in the gay hell a Ko was, but then I realized it’s actually K.O. as in Knockout. I’m going to assume that’s a fighting reference, because she’s not much to look at. Also, whoever does the text for the VH1 graphics needs to learn to use punctuation. Acronyms have periods in them.

Next is Brittanya. She took a few swings at AND spit on Heather during whore bus, and I’m gonna refrain from talking too much shit about her because she might read this site and if I make fun of her I’ll ruin my incredibly small chance of sleeping with her someday. I know, I know, she’s not a girl you’d take home to mom, but I have a horrible weakness for dimples, tattoos, and chicks that could back me up in a barfight. I’m stocking up on tequila and antibiotics just in case she ever rolls my way.

This is Bay Bay Bay, and that will be the last time I type out her entire name because it’s ridiculous. I don’t know anything about her, so for now I’m just gonna call her 3Bay, but I reserve the right to change her nickname to something wittier if the opportunity presents itself.

Ahhh… A-bomb. I got in the habit of calling her Kip, after Napoleon Dynamite’s brother, because they really sound a lot alike. I think I’ll just keep calling her that. Kip is one of those people that you would hate in real life, but when she’s on television she’s just fucking awesome. She strips and lives with her ex and thinks that pretty much everything in the world is “Lame.”

Here’s Risky. Once again, I have no idea what to say about these Real Chance girls. She seems normalish so far, but she tried to find love on a VH1 reality show, so I’m thinking she’s not completely right in the head.

Next up is Natasha. She’s the one that all the other girls accused of being a tranny on Whore Bus. She’s actually not that tranny looking without the twenty pounds of make-up on, but she does purty herself up in a strikingly similar manner to a drag queen. She did some porno at some point and while I couldn’t bring myself to watch it I have been informed that either she’s a real woman or she has the most skilled plastic surgeon in the history of time. Meh… I’m gonna call her Tranny anyway.

Who could forget Brittaney Star? We lovingly referred to her as Porn Stalk during the Brett Michaels show, cause she makes porn and is a psycho stalker, so I’m gonna keep calling her that. Everyone else from The Bus hates her, and I can’t say that I blame them. Porn Stalk is one of those girls that gets a paper cut and falls down on her knees asking god why he hath forsaken her. I hate her, but I hope she sticks around for a while because she makes for really good T.V.

Beverly was the true Brett Michaels fan on The Bus, and frankly that scares me. Who the hell still listens to Brett Michaels? I don’t think Beverly is much older than me, and there’s just something wrong with someone her age thinking that’s good music. She has some kids who are probably really embarrassed to show their faces at school, and she’s boring as hell when she’s sober. Let’s hope there’s plenty of booze at the Charm School.

So after our montage of skankiness fake Obama comes back and tells us that the girls will learn to be model citizens by doing charity and stuff. I’m sorry, I zone out when I hear impersonations that bad, so I kinda missed the rest of what he was saying. Not to worry… The short bus rolls up, and yes they really do put these girls on a short bus, and out stumbles Gia. I’m not sure if there was a full bar on the bus, but that girl looks seriously wasted already. No one says anything about it, so maybe she just has an inner ear problem or something. The rest of the whores follow her out and we get to hear some words of wisdom from a few of them. Bubbles comes on and says “Like” a lot. She seems sweet as hell, but it’s that kind of sweet that only comes with being completely oblivious to everything that goes on around you. She displays a moment of clarity by wondering aloud who will scream in her face first. My money’s on Kiki, but only because I’m kinda terrified of her. The girls don’t know who the new headmistress will be, but we all know it won’t be Sharon because the terms of her probation involve her maintaining a 300 foot distance from raging alcoholic sluts.

Except for blood relatives, I guess.

Farrah tells us that she thinks the new headmistress should be someone like Carmen Elektra or Pam Anderson. I actually agree. They could tell the girls how to get smashed, marry a rockstar, contract an incurable STD, and then go on to be successful-ish anyway. Let’s not delude ourselves, okay? That’s the best any of these girls can hope for from life. Out walks Ricki Lake, which isn’t a surprise to any of us since we’ve all seen commercials for the show, which is called Charm School with Ricki Lake. Marcia is super excited because she learned English by watching The Ricki Lake Show. You would think she would speak almost entirely in loud bleeping noises if that were the case. Ricki lists off all her accomplishments which apparently include a book, some movies, and of course her talk show. I don’t know how I would feel about someone who’s starred in a John Waters movie teaching me manners. It’s a bit like the trashy leading the trashier. She says that the purpose of the school is to turn them all into charming young ladies, but I’m not so sure I believe that since the house would appear to be loaded with booze and stripper poles. I’m not complaining, since drunk strippers on poles are super entertaining, but if I were trying to reform a bunch of hoochies I don’t think I’d build a school with an open bar and strip club accoutrements.

Ricki announces that the winner of the show will get a hundred thousand dollars and they all act way surprised and excited. Either these girls are even dumber than we thought or some producer ordered them to act like they didn’t already know that. It’s the third season ladies. Everyone knows what you win. Brittanya tells us that she’s in trouble with the law and could really use the money to pay for a lawyer. I am absolutely shocked that a girl like that would get in trouble with the law. She must have jaywalked or illegally downloaded music or something because she definitely doesn’t have any sort of anger management problems.

So in rolls a big truck with Out of the Closet written on the side and a lot of the girls look kind of scared. Don’t worry ladies (ahem…Natasha), you don’t have to come out of the closet for this challenge. The truck is for a charity that collects clothing for people with HIV and AIDS and the girls’ first challenge will be to go through their stuff and donate some clothing to the cause. That’s actually pretty brilliant since the recipients already have an incurable STD. I can’t imagine anyone else wanting clothes from this gang.

So the “ladies” head off to their rooms and Bubbles finds out she’s bunking with So Hood. God that name is stupid. I’m just gonna call her SoHo for now, but I once again reserve the right to come up with a better nickname once I see a little more of her personality. Bubbles informs us that her bunkmate and her do not get along, and this is pretty painfully obvious as Bubbles tries to be sweet and wishes SoHo luck while SoHo screams in her face a lot. Damn, there goes all the money I had on Kiki. Oh well. The Whore Bus girls immediately run off to find the booze, and I know you’re all completely shocked because that’s so completely out of character. Before they can get too many shots down Miss Lake announces that it’s time to go to their lockers and find their uniforms. For a school that teaches class and charm they sure do dress their girls a lot like private dancers. SoHo agrees with my assessment, and says she had an outfit like that back in her stripping days. Once they’re all dressed and ready they go to their rooms to pick out what clothes they want to donate. 3bay wants to donate her Real Chance panties and I’m sorry but ew! I don’t think anyone wants your skanky used panties, lady. One of the other girls has a matching shirt and they think that’s just awesome. I’m so feeling sorry for the donation recipients at this point.

Over in white trash land Beverly is SMASHED. She starts shit with Porn about being crazy and hiding food and socks and stuff in her bed. Porn informs us that she’s not gonna take shit from these girls anymore, and then proceeds to stand up for herself by calling Beverly a bad mother. I can’t say I don’t agree, but I really don’t think a batshit insane porn star has any right to call anyone else’s parenting skills into question. Bev gets pissed and pushes Porn and the Real Chance girls are trying to pull them apart and calm them down. Okay ladies, time for a reality check. Listen very carefully: The girls from Real Chance of Love are currently trying to mediate your behavior. Think about that for a minute. When a girl who goes by the name of So Hood thinks that you are out of control it’s time to step back and reevaluate your existence.

So Ricki breaks things up via intercom by calling the ladies down to get their pins and make their donations. Farrah thinks her uniform is hideous, but Kip saves the day by telling her to unbutton her shirt and let her boobs hang out. Yeah, I can feel these chicks getting more charming by the minute.

It’s time to meet the new deans. First is LaLa, who I’ve never heard of but apparantly she hosted TRL for a while. Yeah, nothing qualifies a woman to reform hookers like hosting an hour of music videos getting screamed over by teenage girls. Still, she’s far more qualified than our second dean Stryker, who took Adam Carolla’s place on Loveline when he went on to do crap like The Man Show and The Hammer. I could see him being useful, since he’s knows a lot about all the various sexually transmitted diseases in the room, but I don’t really see him helping to reform anybody. The ladies think he’s hot, and I think the ladies shouldn’t drink so much.

Ricki busts out The Ten Commandments of Charm School, and today’s commandment is Thou Shalt Aspire to be Charming. If aspiring to be charming means getting in screaming matches and showing off your implants while doing shots then I’d say they’re all off to an excellent start. Beverly gets the first pin and Ricki asks her what she thinks she needs to work on. We hear the startling revelation that Bev has a drinking problem, and that she’s kind of an angry drunk. Ricki asks her if she’s drunk right now, and Bev says, “Probably.” Honey, if you can’t tell, that means you’re drunk. Gia’s next and she says her problem is that she doesn’t give a shit about anything. She does what she wants.

It’s worth noting that Gia has a hat with her name on it. I’m pretty sure she got that shit custom made, and girls who wear their names on themselves always worry me. Do they wake up in the morning and go, “Ohmigod, what the hell is my name? Oh, thank god I got it embroidered on this hat.”? Actually, that’s a real serious possibility with Gia….

Kiki says her problem is that she’s outspoken. Dude, I’ve had rock candy that was less sugar coated than that statement.

SoHo comes up and donates a hundred bucks along with her clothes. The deans seem impressed, but I’m wondering why she brought that much cash to a reality show. Maybe she was planning on bribing somebody…? Bubbles gives up some seriously fugly clothes, but seems really genuine about it. I feel so bad for her. Yes, she’s dumb as hell and incredibly annoying, but these other girls are gonna tear her apart. Granted, if I had to live in a house with her I would make fun of her too, but the great thing about people that dumb is you can use subtle sarcasm to rip on them to their face and they never know you’re doing it. Seriously, it’s how I survived high school and it’s much more humane than screaming, “You’re an idiot!” over and over again.

Porn Stalk is up next and she says she needs to work on everyone else hating her. I think she needs to work on remembering to take her Lithium everyday and then that other problem might solve itself. Ricki brings up the fact that she’s a porn star, and Porn gets all defensive. She says she was a producer, not a star, and that she wanted to empower women. Yeah, you know, there’s really nothing like taking a load in the eye while making fake orgasm sounds to make a girl feel empowered. Next time I’m down on myself I’m gonna drive down to Hollywood and do the nasty in front of cameras until I feel like a strong independent woman again. Ricki doesn’t really see porn as a great way to empower women either, and she has noticed that Porn Stalk is a teensy bit insane.

K.O. brings up her entire suitcase to donate. It’s a really nice gesture, but then she fucks up all my admiration for her by being completely incapable of spitting out a coherent sentence. Something about material things don’t mean much to her because she never had much family and it was just her and her brother and people get too caught up in clothes (?) Ummm… yeah, okay. I haven’t seen her drink at all today, so maybe her nickname is because she’s been knocked out a few times and is now suffering from brain damage. She says she needs to work on respecting herself because she doesn’t have any dignity or manners. Yeah, and now you don’t have any clothes either, idiot.

Marcia gets her pin next and Ricki asks her if she’s been drinking. Marcia proudly announces that she’s only had three shots of tequila. Ricki doesn’t seem very impressed but I think, for Marcia, that’s pretty damn good. Farrah’s next and she donates some size 10 1/2 stripper heels that Stryker points out will make some tranny very very happy. Damn, I was gonna make that joke. ***shakes fist at Stryker*** Brittanya is next and she says she has some anger issues, which is a huge surprise to everyone. Then she tells us she’s out on bail because she got arrested several times for fighting. See? This is why all my girlfriends wind up being psychos. I find being out on bail for fighting ridiculously sexy. What the hell is wrong with me?

Kip comes up to get her pin and donates a lot of super slutty stripper clothes. Hey, she had to donate something and I really doubt she owns anything else. Her goals are to be less slutty, only party on weekends, and not to be so mean to other girls. Way to set attainable goals there, Kip. Reach for the stars! Tranny is next and she hardly donates anything, then tells Ricki she’s selfish and that’s what she needs to work on. She also says she hates Porn Stalk and then the two of them proceed to get in a shouting match. They’re basically both just screaming “Let me talk” at each other, which is dumb because clearly they’re both already talking. Loudly. 3bay says those girls are crazy, and as much as I hate to agree with someone who’s name is so incredibly stupid, she’s pretty dead on there.

So now that everyone has their pins Ricki tells us about a change to the show this year. From now on there will be a Deans List and any lady on it will be safe from elimination. If you don’t make the list you go to detention and are eligible to be called down to the carpet. And now it’s time to send our little alcoholics off to a mixer. Yeah, I so believe VH1 wants to reform these girls. The best way to fix an alcoholic is to put them on TV and give them free liquor, for sure. Gia says she’s not planning on drinking at all, and we all know that’s reality TV foreshadowing for, “I’m gonna end my night getting fluids pumped into me by either paramedics or the cohost of Loveline.” Of course three seconds later we see Gia doing shot after shot after shot. I rewound my Tivo three times, and I swear that she tells Marcia that she’s a “Rubbing alcoholic.” Hmmm… I’ve seen an episode of Intervention where this hardcore drunk was drinking rubbing alcohol to catch a buzz while he was in the hospital, but damn. If Gia’s that far gone maybe that’s more the reality show she should be on.

The Real Chance girls all sit in the corner and don’t drink. Smart girls. Okay, not actually smart girls, but that’s a smart decision. I mean, I really enjoy drinking but if I were on a reality show I wouldn’t touch booze with a ten foot pole. That shit is gonna be on television. Everyone will see it! Try and maintain a little composure, and don’t stick shot glasses in your poon. The whore bus girls just keep drinking and drinking and drinking.

Beverly is slurring all sorts of insults at Porno, and Porno tells her that she has nothing to say to her because she’s better than that. Bev gets all up in her face screaming, “Look at me!” and then rips out a chunk of Porno’s hair. Porn goes into a full on Nancy Kerrigan, “Why me? Why anyone? Why my hair?” breakdown, and it’s bloody hilarious. She decides to snitch to Ricki and goes and tells her that Bev punched her in the back of the head and then ripped all her hair out and she’s really super injured. Ricki is aware that Porno is nuts, so she calls Bev into the office to hear her side. Bev comes in and plays totally dumb like she has no idea what Ricki is talking about. Eventually she admits to pulling Porno’s hair, and just like that Ricki expels her. Yep ladies, just because someone insults your family and your parenting skills that doesn’t give you a right to rip out their bleach blond hair.

Bev says she feels bad because she doesn’t want her kids to ever have to regret anything she’s done. Ummm… Here’s a thought: Stop being a drunken idiot on national television!

Porn runs back to the mixer to tell everyone that Bev got expelled. No one seems to care all that much, probably because Bev is really really boring. Porn says she doesn’t want violence in the house and that the ladies make money off their faces and they can’t be getting beat up. Um, I don’t argue that these ladies make money off of parts of their anatomy, but unless someone’s going around popping implants and punching girls in their cooters then I think they’ll be okay.

So now that everyone’s good and hammered it’s time for the entrance interviews. Bubbles is first and she tells Ricki that her goal in life is to do cartoon voices. All these bitches have such lofty goals. She says that she needs more confidence so she can get out in the world and find out what she needs to do to get into the lucrative cartoon voice industry. I would recommend starting out with learning how to read. Ricki tells her she admires her ambition, and that’s exactly what I was talking about when I said you can use subtle sarcasm to make fun of dumb people to their faces. Score one for Ricki.

Back at the mixer Gia is SMASHED. The blondtourage is showing Stryker their secret handshake which involves rubbing their boobs together, then rubbing their asses together, and then yelling, “Blondtourage!” Awesome.

SoHo is talking to Ricki and she tells her she has a problem with mens. Honey, you have a problem with diction, but we can work on that later I guess. Porno wants a baby and her goal is to be preggo by March. Lofty. Fucking. Goals. The blonds all do their interview with Ricki together, and Gia mostly just sits on the end and tries really hard to stay upright in her seat. Kip says she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with being a stripper, but Farrah says she wants out of the industry. My guess is that Farrah wants a hundred grand and has figured out what to say to Ricki to make the Deans List. Gia regains consciousness for a moment and announces that she just wants a sugar daddy. Yeah, hon, don’t we all? There’s a different show for that though, and it’s called Real Housewives.

The deans gather and discuss which girls should be on their prestigious list for the week. In the other room Kip and Farrah attempt to keep Gia upright while she tells them that she wants, “A liquor drink and a vodka drink.” Who needs scripts when this sort of TV gold just happens all by itself? Ricki calls the “ladies” down for the expulsion ceremony and Kip seriously has to carry Gia in. See Gia? This is why you never get in front of a camera and say you’re not gonna drink at all. Don’t you ever watch reality TV? Ricki explains the whole Deans List/Detention thing again because it’s been like three hours since the girls heard the rules and most of them have probably forgotten already. The girls who made Deans List, in no particular order, are K.O., 3bay, Risky, Bubbles, Tranny, and Farrah. Ricki informs them that they are safe from expulsion, just in case they didn’t catch that when she explained the rules to them thirty seconds prior. The rest of the skanks head off to detention, which pisses off SoHo cause she’s a, “Grown ass woman.”

Stryker gives them all chalk boards and tells them to write down the name of who they think should be expelled. Marcia tells Gia that she drinks too much. Okay, reality check time. If Marcia is telling you that you have a drinking problem then it is seriously time to step away from the bottle. Gia doesn’t seem worried, but when your blood alcohol level is .35 it’s pretty hard to get stressed out.

Everyone reveals their votes and it’s three for Gia and three for Porno. Gia doesn’t hold up her board, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t write anything on it anyway. Stryker tells her she can pick the third person going down on the carpet with her, and she misinterprets that as some sort of lesbian sex thing (who wouldn’t?) and picks Kip. Kip is fucking pissed! Gia is totally shocked that she’s mad, and I’m not really sure if she’s drunk or retarded at this point. Probably both. Kip says Gia is a drunken hooker, but she still wants Porno to go home because she’s fat and stupid and stuff.

So all the tramps head back to the expulsion room and Stryker calls Gia, Porno, and Kip down to the carpet. Ricki asks Kip who voted for her and Kip says Gia. Ricki asks her why she did that and Gia mumbles and slurs and then says it’s because she drank too much. I was really hoping she would confess to my theory of misinterpreting “Going down on the carpet with you.” Damn! Ricki tells Porno that she’s a drama queen and trouble follows her everywhere, Gia has a good heart but her liver probably isn’t doing quite as well, and Kip means well but she’s still a great big slut. In the end it’s Gia that gets expelled.

She seems totally okay when she hands over her pin but once she gets outside she loses her damn mind. She starts crying and stripping and falling down and shouting profanities at no one. Once she’s down to her bra she informs us that she’s prettier than all the other girls inside and then she shoots us some of the craziest crazy eyes in the history of time.

So hey, this is my first recap so I welcome any questions or comments. I’ll get episode two up soon, since episode three airs tonight and I don’t want to get behind. Until next time, stay skanky, stay drunk, and go get your Gardisil vaccine.