Rock of Love: It’s LIke Riding a Bike. A Really Dirty Old Bike.

Hi dolls! Everyone keep rockin’ over our break? Well, Rock of Love is back and more infected than ever. Shall we?

I am Cross-Eyed Soccer Mom, and I have come back from the fifties to warn you about herpes.

Hey skanks, nice to see ya! I notice that it’s a full moon, and I wonder what that means. Muppet Daisy reminds us that Scary Frenchy and Token Roxy are gone, and someone comments that Bret’s awesome, which of course he agrees with. Then he does a really goofy little dance as the group heads, beer in hands, out of the elimination area and back to the party! Bret’s wearing an awful lot of makeup tonight. Not cute.

Oh, Bret. You look more and more like this ho every day.

Germy Joe is thinking that she might really have a chance. That perhaps Bret might want to look past the two marriages, one divorce, restraining order and, oh that pesky little detail of her current marriage, and get to know her. Bret makes a toast to the departed hos, and then tells the remaining hos “let’s get down to makin’ bacon’!” Bret is so silly tonight, but it’s working for me. I have a thing for dorky guys. But what the hell does “makin’ bacon” mean? Cause it came from Bret, I’m sure it’s sex, but it doesn’t really make sense to me.

Muppet says that all the girls are being really friendly, but she doesn’t want friends, she wants Bret! But our Romeo’s ready to call it a night, so he leaves the hos to get drunk by themselves and heads off to bed. On his way out, he kisses every single girl, except Manly Aubrey. This does not go unnoticed by Manly, and she stands there puffing angrily on a cigarette. Meanwhile, Granny Cath 2.0 stands around in her pajamas and furry boots. This is a terrible wardrobe choice, even for pajamas.

Let’s just hope grandma’s all over the country don’t follow suit. There will be lots of frightened grandkids.

As Bret heads back to his room, Muppet decides she wants more time with him. So she asks if she can walk him to his room. Go Muppet! Bang those drums, girl! Bret says yes, and one of the other skanks yells after them, “She better get her butt back here!” but when they reach the door…Muppet heads inside!

Germy Joe is not happy. “No one’s had alone time with him in his room yet,” she tells us. Not ’til now, hater. It freaked Germy out, she tells us. And over in Bret’s room, Muppet tells us they made out a little bit. Yeah, that’s all I’m sure. Bret says that he’s really attracted to her, and he’d like to get to know her. “I mean really get to know Daisy,” he clarifies. Yeah, we got it the first time, man-ho.

So while Muppet and Bret are in his room “makin’ bacon”, I’m guessing, Germy and her lesbian worshipper, Manly, head out to the hot tub. And Manly is bothered. She is not bothered by him going out with other girls, but she’s bothered by his “neglect” of her. Manly will not be ignored! Germy is still bothered by Bret and Muppet getting it on in his room. “This early in the game…,” she sneers prissily. Hey, two marriages, divorce and restraining order? Stop acting so fucking pure.

Manly and Germy talk more about what’s happening in Bret’s room. “It’s a total mindfuck,” Germy says. How is it a ‘mindfuck”? The whole premise of the show is many hos competing for one washed up rocker. I suppose Germy thought Bret would take one look at her, and send the rest of the skanks packing. Then Manly tells Germy, “I’m ready to find love. And I know you want to.” You know she wants to, huh…I’m telling you! For Manly, it’s Germ of Love!

Every Rose Has it’s Vagina

Next morning, Muppet heads up the stairs and Butterface Megan tells us that she’s a “dirty ass ho”. Takes one dirty ass to know one, honey. Muppet says that she and Bret are learning things about each other, and it’s nobody’s business besides her and Bret. And the viewing public, of course.

When its time to read the clue, SheMale Inna does the honors, as the other hos shoot daggers at Muppet. Germy calls her a skank. Thanks for the assessment, purple eye shadow and blue polyester halter. The clue has something to do with cars and motorcycles.

In the limo en route to the challenge, Manly is whispering to Granny about Muppet’s night with Bret. And then, Manly flat out asks Muppet if she did it with him. Muppet does an imitation of Manly’s voice that sounds nothing like her, but is hilarious nonetheless. Duh, Manly, you know she did, but if you want to make good television out of it, be my guest.

Muppet defends herself, saying that there’s nothing wrong with trying to hang out with somebody, and most of the other hos nod in agreement. Manly asks Muppet why she’s being so defensive. Accuse her, then ask her why she’s so defensive. I don’t mind a manipulator, but at least be smooth about it. Manly’s still bothered, though. “The more defensive she is, the more I question what happened,” she whines. First of all, is she retarded? Bret’s not the type to spend the night with a girl just cuddling. Second of all, this is Rock of Love, ho! Of course he’s gonna be fucking everybody!

Now he’s gonna taste like her bacon.

When they arrive at the challenge, Peyton sees the bikes and she’s excited. Her heart starts pounding, and she starts drooling. I don’t recall her having that reaction toward Bret, which is a little bit of a concern. The challenge is to build some awesome (of course) bikes. Bret then intros Russell, the owner of the bike shop, who tells them he’s written instructions and labeled each part so that the hos will be able to put together the bikes. I don’t think that’s enough to help these girls, but regardless, the team that gets their bike gassed and fired up first wins.

Bisexual Destiney says she doesn’t know anything about things with tools. Except how to use them as sex toys. There will be two teams. The winning team gets a group date, and the team leader gets a solo date, on the bike that they built. The leader of the losing team has to clean the custom bike with a toothbrush. There’s no way I’d get my ass on a bike that these dippy hos put together. If I was team leader, I’d lose on purpose, and then do my scrubbin’ topless in short shorts. There’s more than one way to land this botoxed rocker.

The Black Team is SheMale Inna, Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, Manly Aubrey, Butterface Megan and Muppet. Muppet says she doesn’t anything about motorcycles, except that guys who ride motorcycles are hot! Now there’s a generalization that makes perfect sense. The Pink Team is Farmgirl Jessica, Germy Joe, Bisexual Destiney, Granny Cath, and Rode Hard Peyton.

Granny can’t believe she’s on a team with Germy. She just doesn’t trust her. And then it’s time to pick a lead mechanic. SheMale has a big brother, so she thinks she can take it. Rode Hard wants to do it too, it’s a done deal, she tells us. Bret’s wearing less makeup today, and he looks a lot better.

Don’t you agree?

Butterface’s strategy is to look hot. She knows nothing about motorcycles, but she knows how to look hot on one. And I do admit, she sluts it up nicely. Butterface gets on my nerves always talking about how hot she is, but bet your ass she wouldn’t be caught dead in Bret’s house in long john jammies and furry boots. Well, maybe in thirty years.

The challenge starts, and predictably, instructions or not, these hos are clueless. SheMale tells us she’s got this, and there’s no way the other team’s going to win, which pretty much tells us she’ll be the loser right there, but let’s keep going, just for fun. Rode Hard tells us that she’s stressed and frenzied, she wants this date so bad she doesn’t know what to do. You know what? I like Rode Hard. I don’t like her tinfoil jewelry, but something about her just says good people.

Bisexual feels like she’s not doing anything to contribute. Nonsense, when you’re stupid and clueless about something, your best contribution is to stand by and not fuck it up. Just keep walking in circles, sweetheart, you’re doing great.

It comes down to the wire – the Pink Team gets their bike down first, they gas it up, but oh shit, someone didn’t hook up the gas line! The Black Team hustles and catches up! It’s moment to moment! A photo finish! Nah, just kidding, but was pretty close there for a minute. And those crafty editors really fooled me this time, cause SheMale’s team really did win! They jump up and down and go crazy, and Rode Hard is bummed. I feel bad for her, but SheMale’s another one of my favorites, so good for her.

All jealous Germy Joe has to say is that she’s really bothered that Muppet is getting another date with Bret, cause she feels like they already have a connection. Germy’s one of those miserable people who’s only ever worried about what everyone else has that she doesn’t.

Next up, Juliette Lewis gets implants and joins the cast.

Bret returns from his ride, and learns that the Black Team is the winner. SheMale gets her solo date with Bret. And Rode Hard should be the one shining up that chrome with a toothbrush, but Russell completely sabotages Bisexual, and rats her out to Bret for being useless during the challenge. So Bret decides that Bisexual too will have to don a bikini, and help Rode Hard clean his bike with a toothbrush. Bisexual is not happy.

Manly is so excited that she won the date – she’s really hoping that her and Bret will have a connection. Bret tosses SheMale a jacket, she hops on his bike, and they ride off into the sunset for their solo date. Bret’s excited. He likes SheMale. Rode Hard stands there looking like she’s about to cry. Awwww. Someone get her some Reynolds Wrap. Perhaps a craft project will cheer her up.

SheMale and Bret ride like the wind on their date. Then they stop for a bite to eat, and something confusing happens. Bret asks for a kiss, and SheMale gives him a peck! Huh? Is this the same Russian who stripped down and straddled him for the whole first episode? Is she playing hard to get now? I’ll have to see how this one plays out.

Do you think I should get my eyes done again?

Back at Cooch Castle, Bisexual and Rode Hard are scrubbing Bret’s bike with a toothbrush. Rode Hard is in a loincloth and a tight t-shirt with her hair up, and it’s the hottest she’s ever looked. She needs to rock that look over the pants and western shirt crap she normally wears if she wants to win this thing.

Guess what? Manly is still bitching about Bret’s brush off the night before. She knows body language, and she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with her. Well, do you mind being on someone’s television who doesn’t want you there? If so, you should definitely leave now. The really ironic thing in all of this, is that Manly actually looks kind of cute today. Not so….well, manly.

Cross Eyed Soccer Mom and Granny try to tell her she’s overreacting, but Manly’s still freaking out. CESM says that she thinks Manly may have a confidence problem. Manly concludes her monologue with a finger pointing accusation that Bret’s brush off was subliminal and that scares her even more.

Back on the date. SheMale tells Bret she knows everyone’s trying to “snag” him, but she just wanted to wait for her alone time, and then tells him that she thinks they could end up together. I like SheMale, she’s a straight shooter. But Bret looks a little bored. As they ride off the date and back to the house, all he has to say is he wonders if Rode Hard and Bisexual got his chopper cleaned.

As he walks back into the house, Rode Hard and Bi hop on the yellow taxicab Harley, and pose. Bret loves it! He tells them to bend over and show him what they’ve done. Even SheMale’s in on the action. But lurking on the stairs is Manly. Girl, if you interrupt his hot action with half naked hos on his bike with your needy, high maintenance bullshit, you deserve to be gone.

Stop staring at boobies and look at my naked manly soul, baby.

But yeah. Here she comes. “I’m going to make this about me. Cause it is about me!” she tells us. Huh? How? She stands there and pouts until Bret notices her and asks if she’d like to go talk. Bret points out that did she have to pick that exact moment, when there’s nakedness and motorcycles, to take him away? My point exactly. How stupid do you have to be to think this is going do anything besides annoy the fuck out of him? I mean, literally. Rode Hard, Bi and SheMale? A group thing was hardly out of the question.

And then Bret does something so fucking fabulous, he full on makes out with SheMale before he takes sulky Manly to his room. Hahahahaha! Once they get there, Manly informs him that she’s a “very, very, very observant person”. Then she says, “I’m a karaoke host, ok? I. Know. People.” First of all, who knew that was even a job? Second of all, if that was your job, wouldn’t you be too embarrassed to cop to it? And third of all, notwithstanding the first two points, all a karaoke host knows. About. People. Is that they can’t sing, and it only gets worse when they’re drunk. The look on Bret’s face says he’s pretty much thinking the same thing.

Then she confronts him about neglecting to kiss her the night before. He says she’s coming at him like they’ve been in a naggingly (which, no, is not a word, but I see where he’s going with it) long relationship. She tells him that she thinks he thinks she’s funny and honest. Then she tells him not to keep her here a moment – a moment – longer than he needs to if he’s not into her. There’s a lot of finger pointing. Literally, finger pointing. Bret’s on the fence with Manly. He likes her, but he doesn’t like needy.

I know she’s not pointing.

Later, Manly is still freaking out about it. She’s telling her lesbian lover Germy Joe all about their conversation. “That was good, right?” she desperately asks. Yeah, it was great! It sealed the deal! You’ll be his forever! What man doesn’t love a needy nag who drags him away from an orgy on a motorcycle?

But then Germy turns the convo back to her. Reality set in for her today, she says, and she has a lot to take care of back home. She’s realizing that all of this is too much for her, and she needs to deal with her past first. So what does she do? Calls a house meeting. Fantastic idea, expressing doubt shouldn’t give any of those other hos who hate your guts any ammunition or anything. Emote away, darling.

The hos swarm into the living room for a meeting. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is holding a paper plate of food, and has a look on her face like, “Why is she interrupting the potluck dinner? I slaved all day over those twice baked potatoes, you know.” But Germy will not be deterred. She has things to get off her chest.

She tells the hos the story of her two horrible marriages, and she feels like she’s in a rebound situation again. Butterface tells us Germy’s an emotional mess with all kinds of “husbands and trailers and kids, whatever”. Butterface is growing on me today.

Germy is getting hysterical, and CESM is confused. “They’ve only known each other for, what, five days?” she says incredulously. And surprise, surprise, Bisexual, Butterface and Muppet practically fall all over each other telling Germy she needs to talk to Bret now! Immediately! Don’t hesitate! Come on Germy, the only way he’ll pick you is if you tell him your doubts…they are so evil. I love it.

Go right this second. You look totally hot.

So Germy goes to Bret’s room for The Talk. Great, just what he wants, another whiny ho. I do not remember last season’s skanks having this many issues. But I do give her credit for her honesty. Totally the wrong time, place and television show for it, but better than Manly bitching about how he didn’t kiss her.

Bret says he can deal with baggage. But why would he want to? There are nine other skanks in that house, nine other skanks who don’t have problem putting their lips on him, by the way, so why does he want to deal with Germy? But what he can’t deal with is a connection that she still has to someone else. Again, why deal with any of it?

Germy tries to tell him that she doesn’t know if it’s right for her to stay. I’m not sure what her agenda is here. Does she want him to beg her to stay? Or is she just emotionally unhinged? Eh, probably both. “I’m not well,” she tells him. No shit. But they end with a nice hug, and he tells her to get some sleep and they’ll talk about it in the morning. Seriously, who knew hos could be so mopey?

The next morning, Big John calls everyone down into the bar area. Hey Big John, where ya been? Oh, that’s right, these skanks are bores, and no ones been puking in the hot tub, so I guess he hasn’t really been needed. Muppet is mad that Germy is still there. These girls need to worry about themselves.

And PS, stop with that face. You look like a car fell on you.

CESM reads the clue for the group date, but no one has any idea what it means. They are introduced to someone named Mitzi, who has very cleverly named her company Mitzi & Co., and she will be outfitting them as classic 50′s pinups! OK, this is a date I can get on board with. Seriously, does Mitzi have a website? I would so love to do something like that. Bret’s the photographer, and he thinks it’s going to be hot.

Everyone’s excited about it, except Butterface. “I’m in my twenties, I don’t want to look like the fifties,” she whines. They’re not dressing you up like a senior citizen, idiot, it’s a fucking decade. Did you learn nothing from that Geek show?

When I see the girls all dressed up with their hair done (and it’s actually more forties than fifties, but whatever) I really want to track this Mitzi down, cause they all look great! Butterface reminds us that she’s a model, so she knows how to pose. She does have an amazing body, but I’m not impressed with the posing. Manly “nails it” according to Bret.

I’m totally feeling things right now.

CESM actually looks adorable in her little sailor outfit. And Bret says she’s starting to come around for him. He’s starting to like her. Finally, Muppet does a little sex kitten, oops sorry, sex ki-en thing, and he loves it. Bret is really attracted to Muppet.

He says the photo shoot was fun, and just what he needed. Me too, all those dramatic talks were a drag. They picnic in the backyard, and then Manly brings the buzzkill by telling him that in this situation, so many people get hurt. “You’re right, and you’re wrong,” Bret tells her.

HAWT.

“Some people” don’t know what they want, and “some people” came here for the wrong reasons, he tells them. Whoever could he be referring to? “Like when I was talking to whatsherface last night,” he continues. “You mean Kristy Joe?” Manly clarifies. That’s right, stand by your lesbian lover. Butterface sits there and laughs.

And as soon as the date’s over, Manly practically races up the stairs to tattle to Germy about what Bret was saying. Germy is upset, and I kind of feel for her. She did pour her heart out to him, but obviously, she has offended The Ego with her unsure feelings about whether or not she wanted to be there. Now The Ego thinks she may just be there for TV – what? No! – and he’s fighting back by talking shit on her to the other girls. Hey, it’s his show.

Germy furiously storms out of the room, and marches to Bret’s room. She wants to get the hell out of this house, but she realizes that if she doesn’t talk to Bret she’ll regret it. Big John announces her, and she walks inside. Bret’s strumming his guitar, and he greets her with his standard “wuzz a-goin’ on?”

Germy is in no mood. “I want to know exactly how you feel about me,” she says snippily. But Bret is in no mood either. “As far as what?” he replies casually, still strumming that guitar. He says that Germy knows that he thinks she’s hot, but if she doesn’t want to be there, then he’s going to let her go. The Ego will not be played.

Here’s the deal. It’s late and I have to take off my doll hair wig before my scalp breaks out into hives. Can this wait?

Realizing that he is not to be manipulated, Germy immediately reverts back to tears. “It’s scary. It’s overwhelming,” she sobs. I get the feeling she’s talking more about her life, than her Rock of Love experience. Germy really needs to go back to Podunk, Wherever and seek some professional mental help. Bret tells her he doesn’t like that she’s been there for so long, and she doesn’t know how she feels because he could have kept someone else who wanted to be there. His new wig’s looking a bit ratty, by the way. Big John needs to make a conditioner run.

Bret says that Germy is self-destructing so that she doesn’t get hurt. I think she’s self-destructing because her life is a mess, and her plan of going on a reality show, landing Bret Michaels, and having him rescue her from her divorced, restraining order hell didn’t quite work out the way she had hoped. Germy’s pushing him, but she’s taking it too far, cause Bret tells her the guy she lets her guard down for could be the one…but he’s not sure he’s that guy.

And then it’s time for eliminations. Manly is worried, she thinks this could be it for her. She is wearing converse sneakers to eliminations. Come on, ho. You’re on thin ice here, but a stiletto could save you. Germy’s nervous too. But she thinks that if Bret keeps some of the fake girls in the house over her, it’s no good anyway. Well, what if he keeps the girls who aren’t married and know they want him? Would that meet your approval?

Bret comes out in another stylist-approved ensemble, but he’s giving me a little something with the pink, paisley bandana. It looks like a remnant from CESM’s homemade sofa cover. Not very rocker-ish. Your hos are boring me to tears, can you at least entertain me with some pleather?

Bret is clearly over the dramatic nonsense in the house, which when I think about it, is attributed to just two people, Manly and Germy. He needs to let them both go. He starts off with a speech about how you have to let your guard down at least a little. And then he requests the first pass.

I know I’m safe. One word: Fuzzy Boots.

Muppet gets the first pass, cause she “walks the walk and talks the talk”. Muppet doesn’t think anyone can beat the chemistry she has with Bret. Also, no one else did him yet, so he has no basis for comparison. Pass number two goes to the girl who looked absolutely beautiful in the photo session, and I know it’s CESM. She really did look adorable.

Manly tells us that if Bret keeps her here, she knows it’s because he truly has feelings for her. Enough already, Manly! If he keeps you there, it’s only cause he’s worried the other skanks won’t bring enough drama for ratings. Nobody likes your insecure, tattling ass. Go home.

The next pass goes to the girl who gave him passion, and it’s my new fave, Rode Hard Peyton! She tells us the motorcycle challenge slipped through her fingers, but she’s even more determined to get a date with Bret. I’m right there with you babe, but seriously, can Bret lend her his new stylist for a day? The JC Penny collection look isn’t doing her any more favors than the western wear was. I’m really missing Flasher’s divine stripper gowns. When is she coming back already?

SheMale and Granny are next, followed by Farmgirl and Bisexual. Butterface is maaaaad! “How the hell am I standing up here with Aubrey and Kristy Joe and no pass?” she demands to know. Well, the answer is, Bret thinks the next girl has a smoking hot body, but he doesn’t know if he’s “feeling it” for her. It’s Butterface. She stomps down for her pass and informs him “You will be feeling it.” She says she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but if he needs her to step up her game, she will. But how? She’s already the hottest thing on earth. What more could she do?

New face?

And then, he tells us, this part of the night sucks. Today’s been an emotional rollercoaster, he continues, and it’s only gonna get worse. Yeah! Germy is sobbing. She thinks that after she flipped out on him, he’s done with her.

Manly tells us that Germy is her best friend in the house (and didn’t CESM tell us that they had been in the house for FIVE DAYS at this point? BFF? Puh-leeeeeze) and when she looks at Germy, her heart falls out of her chest. Yeah, cause you’re in love with her. I think those Converse sneakers are trying to tell us something.

Germy felt sick to her stomach. If she goes, she will be devastated, she tells us. Bret starts talking. “This next girl told me she wasn’t feeling well…” Manly knows she is about to get the pass. But she sees Germy sobbing and shaking uncontrollably and tells us, “I just can’t watch someone I care about hurting like that.”

And next thing you know, Manly is down the stairs asking Bret, “If I go on my own, will you give Kristy Joe a chance?” She is literally choosing Germy over Bret. Enough said. But Bret chimes in with one of his patented, “wuzz a-going on?” CESM angrily plants her hands on her hips. Bisexual doesn’t understand why Manly would sacrifice herself for someone who wanted to go home anyway. Cause she’s in loooooove. But not with Bret!

And Germy? All I see is a smug smile.

Well then, your tour ends here, Bret tells Manly. Outside, she dramatically sobs, “This was my gift…the biggest gift I’ve given in a long time…to someone I think is amazing. Kristy Joe.” Bravo! Is it too late to get her in for an Oscar nod? A three-hanky declaration of lesbian love!

I swear never to restrain you!

Bret tells her to go hug the girls goodbye, and Manly runs to Germy and they cling to one another. CESM notes that Manly’s relationship with Germy is more important than her relationship with Bret..and that’s kind of weird. Well, that’s rude, CESM. Just cause you like penises, it isn’t nice to call lesbians “weird”.

Manly gives Germy a “go get ‘em tiger” speech. Then she tells us that if she and Bret are meant to be together, they will be. “We’re in the same city,” she tearfully explains. Oh. Well. If Bret’s ever in the mood for a needy, insecure, high maintenance, finger pointing, karaoke hosting girl WHO ISN’T INTO MEN, then I’m sure he’ll be giving you a call.

Back inside, Bret holds Germy’s pass with an “oh shit, now I’m stuck with this nutbar for another day” look on his face. He doesn’t even ask Germy to come down and get it, she just sort of does, and gives him a big hug. And a kiss! Wow, maybe she really means business. Butterface says she was embarrassed to even be watching it. Yeah, I know the feeling.

Bisexual says that Germy is playing some major head games with the house. SheMale is equally disgusted. “Now I have everyone looking at me like I’m a bitch, but I’m here, and I’m here to stay,” Germy tells us defiantly. Oh, fabulous. Can’t wait to see what fake shit you pull next week.

There’s a much needed ho toast, and then this trip to Head Case Village is done. I’m exhausted. Next time, Butterface sabotages my girl Rode Hard, and I hope she gets her ass kicked for it! Kisses ’til then!

Warning: Sun can cause serious damage.