Recap: Rock of Love: Try Not to Kill a Puppy on Your Way Out

Welcome back to Rock Of Love! I was a little worried for this week’s installment, given the vacuum of trash left by Clown Whore, but the other skanks did their best to pitch in and fill the void. Annoying Brandi started us off early last week, with the revelation (and when I say revelation, I mean carefully timed press leak from the VH1 publicity department) that she has an internet sex video. I have read the gossip sites calling her an internet porn “star”, and I’m sure in her sad little world she is, but I’m not buying it. Put a video of yourself having a threesome on the internet, OF COURSE people are gonna watch it. The line between horny exhibitionist and porn star …oh wait, hold on a second, hadn’t really thought that one through. Regardless. Brandi C., you whored it up for a webcam. I am not impressed.

Watch out, Julia Roberts!

It’s another morning in the House O’ Ho’s. We are reminded of the divide in the house, the sluts vs. the bitches. Cause that’s really all it comes down to at the end of the day for all of us, isn’t it dolls? Rocker Lacey tells us she is unhappy about Dallas’s continued presence in the house. She says it’s because Dallas eats meat, but it’s really because Lacey is an instigator. I would have thought this would make me like her, but it doesn’t.

The ho’s get a love note from Bret telling them that today’s challenge will be motocross. Sideshow Kristia is excited, she thinks motocross is fun! I personally think it seems boring, but I guess that’s why they’re calling it “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels” instead of “Rock of Love with ChickBomb”. They head out to the motocross track (Track? Dirt mound? This is so not my thing.) Everyone’s wearing their hair tied back with a bandana in a way that’s less rocker girl chic, and more Marcia Brady cleaning the attic. Funny how they’ve all latched onto the style though.

They are standing around the big dirty motocross area, when along whizzes Bret on his bike. Show off. He’s accompanied by two biker girls, of course. Pinky and Leather are rivals, but will put their differences aside to teach Bret’s honeys the basics of riding a dirt bike. Cool Sam (who’s getting a new name before this recap’s done) is overly excited, jumping up and down. Annoying Brandi tells us how cute she is in her motocross suit. People who tell you how cute they are are usually, like, so right. Magdalena Legs has quite the debacle trying to fit her head into her helmet, and she somehow manages to pee herself in the process. Dumb, incontinent, with a huge head. She’s a keeper.

We have a winner!

Pinky and Leather finish up the lesson. Grandma Rodeo is getting excited, and oh Lord, we all know what happens when Grandma gets excited.

Dallas is racing around on her bike like an idiot. Rocker Lacey says Dallas is a disaster, and I hate to agree with anything that lame bitch says, but it’s true. I don’t know what’s happened to Dallas. All along she’s been cool as a breeze, now all of the sudden she’s here to prove that she’s some kind of daredevil biker chick. I hate it when people try to be what they so clearly are not, so it is at this point that I officially break up with Dallas.

They are divided into three teams of four for the race. The captains are Magdalena Legs, Hooters Erin and Flasher Heather. They make their picks for each team, and the final two girls standing are Annoying Brandi C., cause she’s annoying, and Dallas, cause she can’t ride. Hooters doesn’t want Brandi, but she wants to win so she picks her over Dallas. Dallas stands there posing like a moron. Sorry babe, but there’s no pose that make you look cool when you’re picked last. The pink team is Magdalena Legs, Grandma Rodeo, “Cool” Sam, and Badass Brandi; the purple team is Hooters Erin, Mia, One S Jes and Annoying Brandi C.; and the blue team is Flasher Heather, Rocker Lacey, Sideshow Kristia and Dallas.

As soon as the race begins, Lacey (who naturally was the most upset with having Dallas on their team) promptly crashes. Now Dallas is furious, carrying on about how “this dumb ass bitch better not lose it for us”. First of all, enough with the language. If you must insist on this much swearing, at lease make it creative. I can not hear “dumb ass bitch” one more time. But second of all, why is she even talking? Lacey, who five minutes earlier told us she was the hottest shit ever on a bike, now can’t get the thing started up again, because she’s trying to turn it on while it’s in gear. Well done, loser. Even I would have figured that one out. Finally, Bret permits Flasher to go help her.

The middle of the race is pretty much a bore. Annoying Brandi pipes in to remind us how cute she is. So cute! Kristia’s doing fine with her leisurely ride, but Captain Flasher wants her to pick up the pace. Then it’s Dallas’s turn to ride. She takes off, and Bret yells “Go, Lacey!” Oops. She’s moving pretty fast, and Captain Flasher gets a feeling like they may win this thing yet, but then Dallas jumps a hill and goes flying off her bike. It doesn’t look good. Bret and Flasher wonder if she’s dead. Rocker Lacey just laughs, cause she only cries for dead animals.

A Mad Cow hurt herself and you’re laughing. Hypocrite.

But Dallas is alive. She daintily tells Bret she hurt her tailbone. He translates that she “broke her butt”. Then she tells us that she’s going to get back on the bike and win this thing. Nice fortitude, but why bother? I say, if you fall off your bike, just have a cocktail and call it a day. Needless to report, Dallas continues to fall on her ass. But it doesn’t matter as the final lap comes down to Mia (I wish she would do something so I could name this bitch already) and Grandma Rodeo. Grandma tells us she’s gonna ride like no one’s ever seen, and I believe it.

Sure enough, Mia’s ahead, but Grandma catches up. She soars over the last hill (she really does) like a champ, and tells us that she thinks it turned Bret on. Then she laughs maniacally. But you know, for as much as I make fun of her (and I tease because I love, Rodeo is my favorite part of this mess), Grandma really may be the winner in this thing. So far, we know that Bret is looking for a lady who rides motorcycles and talks dirty, and Grandma Rodeo’s two for two. There’s a trophy and a date, “Cool” Sam and Magdalena are that night, and Grandma and Badass are the next day.

On the Hummer ride home, the ho’s waste no time in getting drunk. Rodeo pops open a bottle, and yells “Let’s rock this!” That’s the spirit, Granny! I can’t help but notice the look of complete boredom on Mia’s face. We lost Clown Whore for this? Lacey decides to ruin the fun, and starts back in on her PETA crap with Dallas. It turns into a big ridiculous fight, complete with predictable hand waving and threats. Dallas screams that Lacey is dead to her. What’s next, is she cutting Lacey out of her will?

You are SO grounded, young lady!

When they arrive at the house, Lacey decides to have a talk with Dallas, but she must be in her PETA shirt before she does. Dallas gets her own ensemble going for the big showdown, and starts covering up with any animal skin and print that she can find. One S Jes, still looking for retribution from last week when Lacey threw her in the pool and smooshed her hair, assists. Grandma Rodeo, who no doubt could cook a five course meal and fashion a coat out of one dead raccoon, joins in as well. Dallas and Lacey meet in the middle of the house, followed by their respective entourages. I am half expecting to hear “Beat It’ and watch an ensuing gang dance off.

Alas, we get nothing half as entertaining. They yell a bunch of lame insults at each other, and then Dallas tries to walk away. But Lacey follows, continually physically poking Dallas. Now, Dallas and I are done, but come on, how irritating. She is trying to get Dallas to hit her, calling on the time honored reality show paradigm, “If she hits me she has to go home” but somehow I don’t think these rules apply here at Sleaze of Love. Dallas is yelling for security. To no one’s surprise, Big John is nowhere to be found.

Finally, the showdown reaches the stairs, where Lacey, who is completely out of control, is really trying to push Dallas down. But Grandma Rodeo’s had enough! It is clear from the way she wrestles Lacey off Dallas that this is not the first catfight she’s broken up. I am impressed. I am also impressed with the fact that in the time it took Lacey and Dallas to choreograph this ludicrous fight, Grandma Rodeo has taken the opportunity to shower and change into her jammies for a good night’s rest before her big date the next day. Granny’s here to play.

Listen here, ya little stinkers! I need my beauty rest! Where’s my Noxeema?

Meanwhile, it is time for Bret’s date with Sam and Magdalena Legs. He tells them he wants to get to know them. So he takes them outside and shows them a movie…of himself. Come sit in my backyard and watch home movies of me. Bret really knows how to show a girl a good time. He pokes fun at a pair of pants he wore back in the day, promising not to wear them again. I am surprised, as I have yet to notice any distinction between clothing he wore in 1987 and clothing he still wears today.

Bret tears himself away from the endless loop of Poison playing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” (otherwise known as “Bret’s Life Story”) to pretend to want to get to know his ladies of the evening. Sam carries on about how she has a learning disability, and music was the only thing that helped her learn. Are you really trying to impress him with your learning disability? This is courtship gone very, very wrong. Besides, dyslexia’s got nothing on Grandma Rodeo’s two year paralysis or Annoying Brandi’s meth scars. But Bret eats it up.

Then he politely inquires as to Magdalena’s story. She makes a big point of how she’s never listened to his music, which to her logic means she is there “for him”. To actual logic, it means, why the hell did you come onto a reality dating show to win a guy you didn’t know? So, either she’s lying about not knowing him or his music, or she’s not and just wanted to get on TV. It’s probably both, but Bret figures that Magdalena is there to just form a relationship out of bare bones. Ok then, if that’s how you want to spin it.

You know what would be really hot? If you peed yourself again.

They then move the party to the bedroom, and Magdalena, realizing she has nothing else going for her, starts eating strawberries and making out with Bret. I give her props for trying, but it doesn’t work. He wants “Cool” Sam. But Sam’s playing the shy girl. She doesn’t want to kiss him with cameras and Magdalena watching. She wants her first time to be perfect. You know, at the beach, after prom. Bret tells her it’s just a little kiss, but doesn’t he realize that a little kiss is a big thing to her? Don’t be naïve, Sam. Did you happen to miss the part of the first day where he tongued every girl after he took their picture?

But this is Bret after all, so it’s not long before he’s making out with her. It was a long kiss, but a boring one. Sam is very stiff. When it’s over, she “innocently” comments about how she wanted to have an orgasm right then. Well, Bret’s all over that like chaps on Grandma Rodeo’s ass, so “Cool” Sam immediately retracts with theclarification that she wants him to love her for her MIND and her HEART, not because of how sexy she is. Oh, of course, sweetie. Be a tease. I’m sure he’ll wait it out, what with the other ten hookers right outside the door.

The next day it’s slags at the pool. Badass Brandi and Grandma Rodeo are invited out for their day of “fun in the sun” with Bret. Grandma’s excited to see Bret with his shirt off. I say, producers, let’s really try and do our best not to do things that will get Granny R excited. When they meet up for the date, Rodeo is doing a natural look in light pink…and no makeup. Badass’s outfit looks like it would be right at home with Bret’s pants from the previous night’s video, which means she looks perfect for him! They get in the car, and Grandma puts on her responsible hat and warns Bret about Rocker Lacey and her out of control behavior. She expresses concern for so much instability around a rock star’s daughters. Excellent point.

Good examples are few and far between.

Bret’s taking the girls to reality show whore Ashley Page’s swimsuit studio. I do not like Ashley Page. Ashley Page was a total bitch to LC on The Hills. And popping up for random appearances on two reality shows is desperate and pathetic. But Badass looks cute in her swimsuit. Then it’s Rodeo’s turn. And she does not disappoint, doing a full on bodybuilder/stripper hybrid routine. I was caught between horrified and dying laughing. But I think Bret loved it. I really, really do.

Then he takes the lovelies to the Bel Age hotel for “the best dinner ever”. They eat something with basil, and of course Grandma Rodeo cooks with basil. She normally has a basil garden at home. She also had to have five blood transfusions when she was a baby. It was her grandmother’s blood. Also, she collects swords. How the hell do I know all of this? Because Rodeo does not shut up. Poor Badass, can’t get a word in at all. Sorry girl, I don’t know how she made the jump from basil to swords either. Badass (in a move of desperation that I do not condone, but really what else could she do to stop the Rodeo Show) finally burped, prompting Bret to have fun for a minute, and Rodeo to react with the most priceless words spoken EVER: “‘I’m a classy lady and you just don’t do that.”

Classy Lady

Meanwhile, back at the Casa Coochie, the sluts are making a wall of shame for the girls they don’t like. I can’t say anything about it, because I do stuff like this too and I’m sorry, but it’s fun. They draw One S Jes, and notice that she’s all clavicle. So they name her “Clavical”. Don’t worry, I’m still sticking with One S. But as the producers cut to a shot of One S lying out at the pool, I do notice that that’s all she ever seems to be doing. You’re not being paid to sit around sunning yourself honey, you’re here to be drunk and slutty. Clown Whore learned this lesson the hard way. So get your ho-bag cocktail on, or kiss this little poolside vacay goodbye.

After the date with Grandma and Badass, Bret wants to take some time to talk about “connections” again. He grabs Sideshow Kristia, who tells us she doesn’t want to say anything stupid. Her best bet would have been to just say nothing at all, but she insists on giving it a go anyway. She manages a few gems such as “I’m pretty chill like that, I have a life also” and “like, hey look at me, I’m Mr. Whatever.” Well, to Bret’s credit, he has not been connecting with mind numbing stupidity so far, so I have a feeling Kristia’s on her way out, and she does too.

“Cool” Sam directs Bret to look into her eyes when he talks to her, not the rest of her. Of course she wants men to look her in the eyes. That’s why she’s tattooed paw prints on top of each breast. By the way, I hate that tattoo for two reasons: a) It is a direct rip off of the rapper Eve and b) I hated it on Eve in the first place. Listen to me Samantha. This is not the man who will look into your eyes and whispers sweet nothings in your ear. If you want to win, you’re going to have to fuck him.

When’s Arnold getting his own show? Come on, VH1! Do you know how much interest Cash Call charges on a loan?

Hooters reminds him that she’s “there for him” and not to become famous, to which he sarcastically (I think) replies, “Obviously.” And then it’s time for Lacey and Dallas again. I am so over this stupid shit, it just goes on and on like it had before, and Bret said that one of them had to go. Can both of them go? They’re not the two prettiest.

Sooooo, the backstage passes go like this: Badass gets the first one. I’m still backing her. One S Jes, whose hair looks even more ridiculous than usual tonight, gets the second pass. She’s surprised that she’s still there and offhandedly comments that she maybe better bust her ass and make the time to talk to him. Yeah, you think? See if you can’t fit talking to him into your busy schedule of trying to win him in a dating competition. Just try.

Flasher gets the next pass, and she is in glorious stripper attire tonight. White dress with cut outs, huge sparkles on her eyes and enormous, teased hair. I do admire how she commits to the look. Rodeo’s confusing everyone in a kimono, cause it’s not even a stripper one. Annoying Brandi does us the huge favor of accepting her pass without talking. Hooters tells him “I would love to” twice, which I find not at all desperate. Mia and Magdalena Legs are also in. “Cool” Sam gets her pass second to last. She shrugs and tries to be cute. For the ninety billionth time, do him now, Sam. You will never beat him at this game.

The crucifix really makes this work. Nice job, Flasher!

Sideshow Kristia is informed of the inevitable. Annoying Brandi is devastated to lose her bestest friend. Kristia was cute and she didn’t bother me. But I’ll survive. It’s all down to Rocker Lacey and Dallas. Bret knows that Lacey’s crazy, but he has his big “connection” thing with her, so she gets the last pass. She does a little happy dance. I do a little irritated eye rolling.

Dallas, when she heard Lacey’s name called, held up both middle fingers. After Kristia’s goodbye, Bret motions her over, but Dallas struts out of his way. “No hug?” he asks her. “That’s ok”, she says and gets on her way. Oh, I love it when they go out like this! Lacey shouts after her not to shoot any puppies on the way out. Then she points out to Bret about how rude it was. Shut up moron, he doesn’t need you nagging him about the obvious. He already has a wife.

But Bret is very upset about the Dallas departure. “When someone doesn’t have enough class to say thank you after they are a guest in your house, well, that’s just classless”, he articulates. Well put, kind sir. Not having class is so very classless. But something tells me “class” was not on the list of requirements for this casting call.

You try and find a debutante…

When Bret asks the skanks if they’re still ready to rock this house, it sounds a little weak. I hope he gets his strength back fast, cause it looks like next week, Grandma Rodeo’s having a breakdown! Yee-haw and rock on, dolls. Til next time…