Recap: Rock of Love: Circus of Boobs

Alright chicklets, I’m back. Maybe someday we’ll find Brokedown Rodeo – The Lost Recap, but for now all we need to know is that Grandma Rodeo is gone and I don’t want to talk about it. I’m trying to be strong, so I’ll shed one final tear onto my cowboy hat shaped pasties and move on to later that night. Welcome back to (why God?) Rock of Love!

All the partying has caught up with our aging rocker, so he goes to bed.  Looking back, this was our first warning sign that Bret is not himself. Badass Brandi is relieved to still be there, so she gets super-duper drunk. She’s annoying the hell out of everyone, but you know I like Badass so I find her sloppy rambling endearing.

Badass innocently asks Hooters Erin how she feels, because BB knows Hooters had wanted to go home. See, Badass is a concerned drunk. The camera closes in on Hooters, presumably to look for some kind of pissed off reaction, but it’s Hooters so all we get are shiny boobs and a blank stare.

Hooters Emotes

The next morning, Badass wakes up with a nasty hangover. She knows she was wasted, but she hears she had a good time so whatevs, she’s fine with it. Psycho Rocker Lacey is getting nervous that she hasn’t won any challenges or had any one on one time with Bret, so she tells us for the eighty millionth time how she’s going to continue to “pick off these girls one by one”. Look Psycho, let’s get the record straight here. Dallas is gone because Bret was never going to pick her anyway, and your brand of crazy is more entertaining to watch. The only thing you’re picking off is the herpes scab from your lip ring.

This week’s challenge is the Bret Bowl. Football, dirty talk, motorbikes, singing – Bret’s looking for a real Renaissance Skank here. Good for you, man-weave. By the way, the Bret Bowl takes place in the mud.  Seriously, is Bret ok? Why isn’t it muddy lingerie wrestling? I really hope he’s not starting to class up on me. 

“Cool” Sam is not happy about the mud and I’m so hearing that.  Naturally, Flasher Heather loves football, so she’s excited to kick ass. She’s not happy about her team though, the Fallen Angels – Rocker Lacey, Hooters Erin and “Cool” Sam. I miss Grandma Rodeo. You know she would have totally kicked that muddy football’s ass.

One S Jes realizes she needs a date to get Bret’s attention. Why bother now? You’ve barely said three words to him the whole time and he keeps you around anyway. The problem so far, she says, is that dirty talk (to Bret) and writing music (for Bret) isn’t really her thing. But football and sports are totally a One S kind of thing! If this doesn’t work out, I see a Rock of Love with Joan Jett in One S Jes’s future.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

One S’s team, the Sweethearts, includes Magdalena Legs, Mia and Badass Brandi. Badass isn’t feeling so hot, but she figures if she pukes on someone from the other team, it may knock them out of the game. Aim for Lacey.

The winning team gets a group date with Bret, and the MVP for that team gets a solo date. Bret the control freak will be the quarterback for both teams. He’s got lots of little braids crawling around the weave today. And he’s a very serious coach.  What happened to Nothin’ But A Good Time? I’d say he was sucking all the fun out of muddy football, but there wasn’t any fun in that in the first place.

Dammit, we are gonna win this, says Hooters Erin with another blank face and monotone. But I get the feeling if she had some cognitive ability, she’d tell us she doesn’t like mud either. Magdalena gets the ball first and runs around in circles. Sam attempts a tackle, but just ends up giving her a really big hug. Awwww.  She’s cute and she hates mud. I’m changing “Cool” Sam back to Cool Sam, but girlfriend’s still on probation.

Psycho Lacey tells us she wants that date, and she doesn’t care if she has to break someone’s wrist or knock out some teeth to get it. Oh really? Well, hope you’re better with a football than you were with a dirtbike, cause you were hot shit with that too til you ate it three seconds into the race. Sure enough, One S charges on her ass and Psycho goes down! She is whimpering about her ankle. I think there’s a 50/50 chance she’s faking.

Totally real.

One S tells us that come to think of it, Lacey deserves it after that “circus stunt” when she pushed One S into the pool. ”Come to think of it” – please, you’ve only been plotting that takedown for weeks now. Nobody smooshes Jes’s hair and lives to tell the story.

So now Psycho’s out of the game, and someone from the Sweethearts has to sit out as well. It’s doesn’t take too much convincing to get Badass off the field. Excellent strategy, BB. If you’re too hung over to win MVP, may as well just relax, let the other bitches get beat up and muddy and win it for you. So my kind of girl. 

Meanwhile, back on the field, One S Jes is becoming a savage beast, and apparently this attracts Bret. The skanks compare Flasher to a bulldog and a Mack truck, but Flasher came to play and she carries her whole team. Of course in the process, she manages to lose her pants and finishes out the game in ugly Hanes bikini briefs. With the frequency Flasher whips off her clothes, you’d think she’d plan ahead with cuter panties. But anyway, thank you Flash. We can always count on you to bring the sleaze when Bret and the producers gyp us out of mud wrestling.

This is one dependable ho.

Finally, it comes down to Flasher and One S Jes for the last play. The solo date is on the line, and Jes takes it. Flasher yells at the camera, and I have no idea what she’s saying cause every other word is beeped out, but I gather she is unhappy with the outcome of the event. She also shouts “good game!” at the winners, which those aloof bitches totally ignore. 

The ho’s stumble back to the house, where Badass tells us they’re a “bunch of broken bitches”. Psycho Lacey with her fake sprained ankle sits out at the pool in full-blown creepy obsessive mode. ”I have to win a challenge. I have to” she repeats over and over.  Flasher, beat down from burden of carrying the whole team in her ugly underwear, ignores her. Psycho tells us she can be vindictive if she wants to be and decides they should start targeting Erin again. Didn’t Flasher already try that? Didn’t work. Bret likes her shiny circus boobs. 

One S Jes is frazzled before her date.  She’s always cool and calm, she tells us, but tonight she’s a nervous wreck. She cleans up nice though, and looks pretty with her hair flattened. I can also see why she’s been wearing that statue of liberty headband all the time, she’s got about an inch of brown roots.  Why aren’t they using the money they’re saving on a stylist for hair and makeup?

Hooters Erin calls her boss at somewhere called the Underground to check in and I’m confused. I thought she worked at Hooters?  I can’t change her name to Underground Erin. It’s too late in the game and it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Well, it turns out, Justin Timberlake is going to be visiting the Underground the next night and because she’s chained up in the house o’ ho’s, Hooters is going to miss it. 

Psycho Lacey overhears Hooters whining about her missed opportunity to blow JT if he gets so completely plastered that the can’t see her face, and promptly passes the Intel on to Flasher, who just so happens to be sitting there writing a letter calling out all the other girls in the house.  It’s a long one too, she’s cross-referencing like four pages to add Lacey’s late breaking news to the chapter about Hooters.

Fo Ho n Sevin Yeers a Go

Now on one hand, I would hate anyone who wrote me a letter like this. On the other hand, that’s kind of all my recaps are. “Dear TVgasm readers: Bret has a weave, the chicks are skanks, everyone’s drunk, and every thorn has its rose. Kisses, ChickBomb.” Flasher, no one with as much stripper couture as you can possibly be bulletproof enough to write a letter dishing everyone else’s dirt. Don’t feel bad babe, I’m not either but at least I have the good sense to talk shit anonymously.

Big John escorts One S to her solo date with Bret, and he plays a private concert for her. She is mesmerized because she’s never heard him sing before. Seriously, they couldn’t find skanks who at least knew who he was? Then they dine, and Bret covers his three favorite topics – Bret, roses and thorns. But, all in all it seems like a good date. Then they kiss, and the Great Wall of One S comes tumbling down. He’s a good kisser, Jes tells us giggling. Well done, man-ho. He’s back.

But when Bret’s bussed in next morning, he gets Flasher’s letter, and oooooh, Daddy’s mad! He yells for her to come into his room, and at first he acts like he’s mad at her, but then tells her he knows she’s here for him and she has his back. Flasher is thrilled at this news, but I gotta say, it’s looking like Flasher has set up permanent residence in Friendville. I mean, a short drive over to Sometimes When I’m Drunk Town, but at this point she’s pretty much just his narc. 

Bret still thinks Hooters has a boyfriend, and he’s annoyed that she’s always bitching about some celeb that she’s missed seeing in her restaurant. This is the first of about a thousand uses tonight of the word “starfucker”. Bret thinks he is Johnny Bravo to her. It occurs to me that  JT is what Bret might have been twenty years ago, if he had only managed to turn Poison into a successful solo career. It’s harsh dolls, and I don’t think Bret’s economy sized ego can handle this. Then Flasher tells us she’s golden, and uh-oh, I smell trouble. 

Memory! All alone in the moonlight!

For the group date, Magdalina, Badass and Mia get to go shooting. Like everything else, Bret wants the date to rock! I picture him at lunchtime. Let’s make this egg salad sandwich rock! They get in the big tacky Hummer, and Bret can not let this Hooters thing go. What is up with him? He’s turning into your annoying friend who keeps you on the phone for two hours with the same five-minute problem.

Bret thinks that Hooters is trying to make him a notch on her bedpost. But Bret’s the notcher! He makes the notches, he tells us, not Erin.  Seriously, Bret’s penis has seen things the rest of us can only have nightmares about. He asks the other girls what they think about her. Everyone says the word of the day, “starfucker” at least once.

Meanwhile, over at Striperella’s castle, Flasher and Lacey are poolside trying to get the dirt on Hooters. They are openly baiting her with comments about preppy guys, and Hooters walks right into their trap. “That’s the kind of guy I normally like” she breezily informs them. Smart choice of company to spill that little fact to, preppyfucker.

Back at the ranch, Magdalena is like a Bond girl as she hits every target. After she’s done, she promises Bret that she’ll never do that to him. Not the asset I’d mention on a date, but considering the competition, a promise not to shoot him could really give her that extra edge. 

Today should not be the day you get rid of this chick.

Over lunch at the lodge, Bret now starts obsessing over Flasher.  Ugh, I’m giving up. Call me when he’s back to having foursomes with them. He tells the gals about Flasher’s nine-million page letter. Now he’s not sure he can trust her. Badass says he can’t, and calls Flash out for having been on the Surreal Life and “banging” Vanilla Ice. Allegedly, there’s videotape, which VH1 most definitely should have edited in.

When they get back to the house, Badass wants to know what’s in the letter, so she confronts Flasher. Flasher lies and covers her ass, telling them she was just writing how embarrassed she was to have been naked all the time.  What? But Bret already told Badass that Flasher wrote the letter about everyone else, and Badass knows Flasher’s lying. So Badass tells Hooters to confront Flasher and she does, and they have a huge fight and then Flasher is like “You’re desperate!” and Hooters is like “No, you’re desperate!” It’s Laguna Beach with an STD! Loves it.

Before elimination, Bret is blowing off steam by playing his guitar in his room. Although it’s looking good that Hooters will be the one leaving, Psycho Lacey stops by to talk some more shit on her so she can take Flasher’s credit for getting Hooters out.  Hooters also heads to Bret’s room to bribe him with some last minute oral, but Lacey’s already there, so she settles for some lame story about setting the record straight. 

Bret’s tired of hearing about it. He blows Hooters off and goes back to Lacey. Oh crap, if she’s starting to look good to him, the situation may be worse than I thought.

Scabby chicks everywhere are rejoicing.

Bret tells Psycho that he’s only popular right now cause they know he’s mad. Come on now, cupcake, it’s Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. You’re popular cause they named the show after you. 

Clearly Bret is in no mood, so when it comes time to officially kick another slag off the bus, he just wants to do a quick session in the tanning bed and get down to it. One S gets the first pass, as he has finally learned about her soul. OK pal, listen. You’ve gone to bed early, forewent mud wrestling, gotten jealous of someone from N’Sync and learned about a woman’s soul. I don’t know what you did with Bret, but please bring him back.

Mia gets the next pass. The only theory I have is that she’s blowing Big John.  Badass gets the one after that, and Hooters tells us that she’s just a drunk. Oh, that’s IT. I will throw down for Badass, bitch. I hope you and your circus boobs do go home. Oh, and if anyone I know is reading this, can you please do a ROL intervention? I’m starting to sound like them.

Class Menagerie

Lacey and her crazy eyes (Bret’s words!) are next, provided she agrees to not kill him in his sleep. Since Magdalena already promised to not murder him, she gets a pass too. Cool Sam, wearing something from the Jaclyn Smith for Kmart collection, is next. Well, he’ll have no choice but to look you in the eyes in that getup, but I’d make sure and wear lycra next time, honey.

Hooters, who knows it’s all over, tells us at this moment that she wasn’t about to lower herself to stripper / whore level. She’s better than Flasher, and she’ll flat out say it. Hooters only whores it up for the Billboard Top 100.

After a very, very, very long speech, Bret bets on Flasher. As he bids Hooters farewell, he tells her that he bought it (rose!), but he didn’t know if she meant it (thorn!).  Bye-bye starfucker, says Flasher. I swear, if I hear it one more time….and I wouldn’t be so high and mighty about it either, Flash. You’re on cable reality competing for the singer from Poison.  You’re a wannabe-has been-fucker.  

Well, Hooters sure isn’t bothered by the end of her tour. She has plenty of men waiting for her back in Chicago, she tells us. And paying customers don’t like to be kept waiting.  She caps it off with the declaration that she has had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.  I believe it. I bet you she even has her very own cushion under the VIP table at the Underground.

Run! You can still catch JT!

Bret’s nightly ho toast comes with a warning that he knows everything that happens in the house.  Ummm, not so much pumpkin, those slag babes really took control this week. Don’t worry though, next week it looks like he’s got them digging through dumpsters for love, which should knock those bitches in their place and bring his mojo back. Til then dolls… this has been Soft Rock of Love.