Recap: Rock of Love: Cover Hurl

Sorry dolls, I know this Rock of Love is way overdue, but ChickBomb became Aunt ChickBomb this week and it’s hard to find time for recap writing with this full schedule of staring at the most adorable baby in the world. Everyone puking? Great, then let’s get started.

Now we’re down to the Skankalicious Six. Bret says something about dropping Magdalena, and I’m surprised she rated a commentary at all. He notes that some of them are stepping up, and some need help. Like Mia. She’s in the background, and at this point I think she’s lucky he even remembers her name.

Bret says he has “serious work” to do. In the jet propulsion lab? No, in the studio, so he’s taking off for a day or so. One S Jes tells us she wants Psycho Lacey gone, and Lacey says everyone needs to watch out because there’s a target on each of them. No way, they’re all targets? Just a shot in the dark here, but do you think you might be planning on picking them off one by one?

Most shocking scene of the episode.

This week’s clue tells the ho’s to “strike a pose”. Sam knows that she’s going to win, because she’s done lots of modeling for her friends who are photographers. I picture her modeling somewhere totally random, like the floor of the cereal aisle in the supermarket, for a faux arty dude in a beret saying things like “I want to see the pain in your eyes as you gaze at those Cocoa Krispies….yeah, this shot is deeeeeep…”

When they get to the (p)ho-to shoot, there’s a car, clothes, props and photographer named Evo Lopez, who is an old friend of Bret’s. The babes will be creating an original album over concept and title, and shooting an album cover. Of course Psycho Rocker Lacey tells us she’s a touring musician so she knows all about album covers. Isn’t a touring musician someone whose music no one wants to record? Lacey might know ’86 Dodge van décor, but album covers? Don’t think so.

One S Jes, Psycho Lacey and Sam are grouped together, as are Badass, Flasher and Mia. There is one creative director, and two models per team. The winning models get a tandem date, and the winning creative director gets a solo date.

One S and Mia want to be creative directors, One S because despite what she says, she’s got a huge crush on Bachelor Bret, and Mia cause time’s running out and she knows it. On Team Mia, Mia starts babbling about innocence. Flasher informs her they’re not innocent, grabs some hot pink lingerie and gets down to business.

Mia says Flasher looks like a drag queen. Nothing new there, but then Badass comes up with the colossally terrible idea that she should dress as a man. Way to make those lesbian fears Bret has about you go away, doll. What the hell is she thinking? She looks like a guy named Roy who drives a big rig up through the Ozarks.

If Brett has a truckstop restroom bj fetish, Badass is his man.

I have nothing good to say about Badass and her cross dressing experiment. It’s totally stupid and looks bad, but I’m fond of Badass so I did think it was funny. The toss up for album titles is “Broken Road” or “Breakthrough”. Meek Mia tries half-heartedly to have an opinion, but Flasher flat out says that she plans on ignoring Mia and doing her own thing.

Over on Team One S, Lacey is all about some S&M idea. She wants to play dominatrix. Sam counters with an idea of good vs. evil, casting Lacey as the devil, of course. Someone tosses out “When Love Dances With The Devil” as an album title. Soooo Bret. Lacey says it was her idea, but I really can’t tell who spit it out first.

Once on set, Lacey wastes no time before she’s disagreeing with all the shots and telling everyone what to do. Badass pokes her head into the shoot and reports that the angel / devil thing has been done. Lacey says Jes is a terrible creative director, and in reality she’d be fired. Well, in reality, you wouldn’t be able to pay someone to let you model for their album cover, so just shut up. Jes says Lacey can’t work well with others. Even the photographer can’t deal with her.

Badass, in full dude gear, says her balls tell her she’s gonna win. That’s wonderful, cause Bret’s balls are gonna shrivel up and die when he sees a girl he wants to do looking like a dude sitting at Denny’s eating biscuits and gravy. Pathetic Mia has no chance with Flasher in all her glory, draped all over the car in cheap neon lingerie. Mia stands by offering crucial input, such as “Yeah, I like that” and “Look over there.”

The Devil Went Down on Georgia

When the babes get home, Flasher and Lacey talk shit about their teams. They both think they did the creative director job for their respective teams. Then the ho’s receive a letter from Evo with proofs. In Jes’s team’s letter, Evo says they need a good presentation. He doesn’t understand what the album cover represents? Heaven and hell, duh. Have you met Bret? He loves clichés. He’ll totally get it.

Flasher’s group has bigger problems. Evo doesn’t understand what is going on with the photo. The positive is the car. The negatives are everything else. Now, dressing Badass up as a gas station attendant from Arkansas was a bad, bad idea, but make no mistake, it was all Badass. And she admits it, but doesn’t make any apologies, just casually tosses the blame onto Mia – she was creative director. It was her job to stop Badass.

Flasher just wants Mia to sit in the corner, be quiet and let her run the show. The name is Broken Road. It means Bret is manly and strong. Now where’s my body glitter?

More slag drama ensues (yawn) as Jes and Lacey need to discuss issues. Jes is over Lacey – she thinks Lacey is too strategic, and acts like it’s a game. Lacey agrees that she does think it’s a game, but she also thinks Bret would appreciate that. Then we get another reminder of how these girls are in her way. We know, in the way, targets, getting picked off, now go tend to your herpes scab.

I think we should just go with this pic of a scab and call it a day.

Jes tells Lacey she talks down to people, because Lacey told Jes that Lacey should do the presentation. And One S Jes with her super cool shades and spiky hair that Bret’s afraid to touch would NEVER talk down to anyone. Lacey doesn’t shut up. She continues to list everything she did on the shoot. Then she tells us that riling them up is only part of her strategy. Ugh, I hate to give that lame bitch any credit, but if that really is her plan, it’s totally working.

Bret’s stoked to see the album covers, cause he wants to see where they think his career should be. Listen, you’ve got ate-up groupies shooting your album covers on a VH1 reality show. Now is not the time to sit down and evaluate your career.

First up is Flasher’s cover. Well, Mia’s cover, but let’s be honest. The only winner on this one was whoever did Badass’s hair and makeup, cause Bret really thought it was a dude. Nobody gets the cover, and the girls have to go to lots of trouble to convince Bret that the grey hair guy isn’t meant to be him. Seriously, you cannot toy with washed up rock star ego like this. Then they tell him that their title “Broken Road” is supposed to mean something about hitting an all time low. Way to stand by your man, sluts.

No! It’s not you at all!! The fake hair’s totally different!

Mia says ummmm a lot, and there’s plenty of awkward silence. “Here’s what I like”, Bret finally musters, “the colors pop.” More silence. “That’s it,” he concludes. He thinks the hottest looking thing on the album cover was the car. No biggie for Badass, cause she was incognito as Roy-The-Trucker-Who-Eats-Biscuits-And-Gravy-At-Denny’s-And-Also-Pumps-Gas-In-Arkansas, but what about Flasher humping the car in her pink bikini? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the only place Flash’s broken road is going is Just Friendsville.

Jes’s group fares much better. Lacey really does look like the devil. Bret liked it, a little girl on girl, a little heaven and hell, that’s what I’m talking about, he enthuses. But what’s original about it, he wonders? Nothing really, making it the perfect album cover for a washed up 80′s hair bander.

But Jes comes through with a response, telling him that it’s all in the eyes. Devil Lacey’s are “evilish” while Heaven Sam’s are dreamy. The only downside is that Bret thinks it’s too racy for the Bible belt, and so that album cover wouldn’t work there. Oh, that’s reaching. You know this album is only going to be available through a special offer on VHl.com.

Bret, cause he’s fully committed to trying to make this thing look real, tries to make the decision process out like there actually was one, but the win goes to Jes’s team. Lacey and Sam will do a date in the afternoon, and Jes gets something awesome later that day. Lacey thinks it’s terribly unfair that Jes gets the solo date, and then flashes her “evilish” eyes at us.

Madame Tussaud’s Greatest Hits

Pre-date, Mia’s moping around looking sad. She circles Bret like she might finally have something to say to him, but she’s too slow for Lacey who swoops in and scurries into Bret’s room with him for another fucking issue. She wants him to know that Jes doesn’t deserve the solo date. Nobody likes a tattletale but Bret does. He likes how she fights for her man.

Well, once she finds out that Lacey was up there talking to Bret, One S decides she needs to get a word in as well. She wants him to know that Lacey is insane, and truly disrespectful toward him. Bret loves the drama of the ho’s fighting over him. As for Lacey, he tells One S there’s just something about her.

Later on, Bret and the chicks hop into a Bentley convertible (rented I’m sure) and Sam gets to sit up front. They cruise out to Malibu, and I wish they wouldn’t have cause that’s where I live and we already had Paris this summer – we don’t need it skanked up any more, thank you very much. As they sit down to eat, Bret wastes no time starting the gossip, and wants to know how Jes did as creative director. We know he knows what Lacey thinks already, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to entrap Sam. But at that moment she was wearing her Cool Sam hat, and she says Jes did a great job.

Shortly after, Lacey leaves the table to take what Bret calls an “innocent piss.” Oh that Bret, he sure can turn a pretty phrase. And now it’s Sam’s turn to try and take Lacey down. She doesn’t think Lacey’s genuine, but she does think she’s manipulative, Lacey just doesn’t show Bret that side. Well, that isn’t good, concedes Bret.

He tries to explain to Sam that he’s trying to understand Lacey, but Sam forces him to look her in the eyes and asks what he’s really doing with Lacey. She doesn’t make him look her in the eyes, Issues Sam! She organizes foursomes and gets him ratings. Get on board with this thing already, would you?

Look into my rack and tell me the truth!

Bret’s an old pro at applying the revolving door concept to his ho’s, so seconds after Lacey and Sam take off, Jes pulls up in a limo. Bret tells us his date with the other two was informative, but he wants his date with One S to be sexy. They get on the yellow taxi cab motorcycle, and ride off like the wind. Bret’s man-weave blows in Jes’s face and it makes her giddy.

Back at the Skank Tank, Flasher and Badass are pissed about losing the challenge. They blame it all on Mia. At some point, a producer must have shoved a shot glass of Jack with a Polaroid camera attached over to them, cause all of the sudden they decide to take some sexy photos to prove to Bret that they’re definitely as slutty as he needs them to be.

They start taking pictures, and Mia wanders over to the session to see if they want help, which they certainly do not. Flasher and Badass get nearly naked and Flasher tells us that racy and sexy sells. When Lacey gets dropped off from her scheduled time with Bret, they proudly show her their work. That’s what happens when you leave two strippers alone, says Lacey knowingly. Oh really, and what would have happened if we left you alone? A song about animal rights and lip scabs?

On the current date, Bret and One S hit the beach. He tells her it’s his favorite private cove, and she falls for it so hard, she grabs him and kisses him. One S can play it cool all she wants, but girlfriend’s been… POISONED!

Bret says that there’s so much he likes about One S. He insists it’s not just sexual, but why bother? We all know the score. They kiss, look into each others’ eyes and look at dolphins. All they need is a rainbow, and it would have been just the dreamiest date ever. But never mind all that, cause according to Bret “we got to suck face which is a good thing.” Such a romantic.

Upon returning home from his solo date with One S, he sees Flasher and Badass’s photos pinned to his door, and ooh la la! He thinks they’re hot. While Bret’s staring at the photos, relieved to have his ho’s back, Mia finally makes her lame move for some alone time with him. He coolly tells her that now’s not a good time, cause they’re getting ready to have dinner.

Mia failed him, and now he’s not sure if she wants to talk to him out of love or desperation. “I made an ass of myself and he didn’t care”, Mia whines. Mia, the time to establish yourself as an ass that will do anything for a moment with him has passed – Flasher Lacey jumped on that bandwagon on Day One, they’re not letting anyone else on.

At the big family dinner, Bret expounds on how they’re the “awesomest group”. Lacey’s talking PETA again, but Badass can’t stand the animal rights shit so she throws down her napkin and excuses herself. Lacey, I swear, if you broke my Badass….You. Will. Pay.

Bret follows Badass upstairs where she’s tearing up on the bed. Badass, what the hell is wrong with you? The only crying Bret likes to hear in bed is his name. Lacey thinks she’s just trying to get attention from Bret. Good, better than him paying attention to you, Devil Eye. Badass just cannot deal with Lacey. Bret is finally starting to realize that all the other ho’s really hate her. It looks like he’s thinking, but it’s hard to tell with the all the botox, so he just throws out his old standby, “you know I really like you”. Badass seems to buy it, but she refuses to finish dinner with Lacey.

Boys Don’t Cry

Back at family dinner, Bret covers for Badass’s little breakdown, which was kind of cool and boyfriendy of him. But soon enough Big John breaks up the dinner for elimination time, and All About Mia whines that it’s just another door shut in her face. She’s extra nervous tonight. Ummmm, welcome to the game, moron.

Bret appears, resplendent in…shiny snakeskin? Sequined cheetah print? I can’t tell. It doesn’t touch the pony skin or pleather, but man, that guy’s got an amazing collection of synthetic fabrics. And hair.

The first pass goes to One S, who he had been almost positive would be going home early, but now he has a feeling that there’s something there. Flasher’s hair is enormous tonight, and perhaps that’s what earns her pass number two.

Sam gets called next for the big CONNECTION, as well as for being a cool rocker chick. Oh, that must have really infuriated “touring musician” Lacey. When he calls Badass, he says she’s been going through a hard time lately and she’s hanging on by a thread. Slight exaggeration, but as long as she’s still in the game I’m not going to bitch about it.

It comes down to Mia and Lacey. Mia tells us she’s a real person, and she’s here for real reasons. Of course sweetie, no one ever said publicity stills and a resume line weren’t real reasons. But it’s too little, too late, and even though he admits Lacey’s a total nutbar, he’s keeping her around.

How many plastic snakes had to die for this outfit?

Bret loftily tells us he despises mediocrity. Dude, you were in Poison. Your songs have three chords, and you rhyme things like “blow me away” and “all night and day”. But, his valiant hatred of mediocrity somehow relates to his connection with Psycho Lacey. In his own words, now he needs to figure out if she’s crazy for him…or just crazy. Guess what bet my money’s on.

He tells Mia that she looked beautiful, but it’s a connection factor. Mia bitches about Lacey, and how it’s all Lacey’s fault. Oh come on, I don’t like her any more than you do, but did you really think he would choose your dull ass by default? Sorry babe, but we came to be entertained, Psycho came to play and there’s just not enough screen time to go around. Buh-bye.

Lacey is once again victorious! Bret digs her cause she fights for her man, and you know what dolls? We just may have to get used to her being around. They toast to the dearly departed and the “Fab” Five, and that wraps up another week of rockin’ love! Til next time…

Restoration’s a bitch.