Recap: Rock of Love: Change Your T-Shirt Already, It Smells Like 1989

Well, this week was a little traumatic for me and Rock of Love. If you read last week’s comments, you know that we’ve got a Badass Brandi crisis on our hands. She’s done some very sleazy porn pictures that are floating around cyberspace. There are two sets, equally dirty. One set looks OK. Nasty, but at least she looks cute. In the other set, Badass looks like shit. She’s got extra weight, her hair is stringy and she’s got dead eyes. What was she on?

Now, I can live with sleazy porn pictures. I am under no illusions about the ROL skank’s lack of self-respect and class. It’s the cracked out, bloated look that I have a problem with. You’re still my girl, Badass, and I’m not breaking up with you…yet. But get it together. If you must whore it out on the internet, at least look cute doing it.

Fug Shot

But on to the main event! It’s a skankshine morning at the ROL house. Bret’s not wasting any time today, so it’s during breakfast when Big John comes out with the message of the day. Bret has imported some of his most senior slags from points nationwide to ask the junior slags some very important questions. He’s calling the new girls “Super Fans”. I’m calling them the Old Hos.

One S Jes figures the Old Hos are going to be big haired 80′s girls who look like Flasher. Lacey and Flasher think Cool Sam will have a hard time with the Old Hos. Flasher thinks the Old Hos will be hot girls, but she’s cool with it, cause she’s not jealous. Sam and One S think Lacey’s gonna get busted.

The New Hos line up while Bret intros the Old Hos. Someone has mistaken the Rock Of Love house for the set of a Poison video circa 1988, and the Old Ho’s sashay down the stairs to a Poison song, as a wind machine blows their hair around.

New Hos…

Meet the Old Hos.

First up is Amy. She’s been a Poison fan for 10 years, and sleeps in a T-shirt that Bret threw her. She reaches the bottom of the stairs, and clings to Bret. Next comes Ky, a 5-year fan with a cat named Poison. Very original. Finally, is Alison, an “uber fan” who’s been in the Poison game for 4 years. She once threw a rowdy fan off the tour bus. Considering the heyday of Poison was nearly 20 years ago, these girls sure picked his ate up ass up on the downward spiral. Bret’s a bargain basement rocker.

Sam thinks the Old Hos are hot and that’s intimidating. Clearly, it does not take much to intimidate Sam. Lacey, on the other hand, says she’s the queen of intimidation, so this will be easy. One S deadpans “Can there be any more sluts in this house?” to the cameras. Hilarious. Badass Brandi simply assesses the Old Ho’s as “bitch, bitch, bitch.” Badass doesn’t waste words.

The Old Hos usher the New Hos out of the house and make them sit outside in the rain while they wait to be called in for questioning. Our girls are pissed, and I’m with them. Who do these Old Hos think they are?

Badass is called in first. She’s nervous and has no idea what she’s in for. They call her into some sort of interrogation room. Badass is from Vegas, which I actually didn’t know, but am not surprised to learn. Of course they ask her if she plans on being a stripper forever and of course she comes back with some fairy tale plan to become a designer and architect. Honey, we’ve seen the pictures. I’m not envisioning a respectable architectural career in your near future. They want to know if she’d like Bret if he weren’t a rock star, and she says yes. Still my girl, Badass, but please. Like a nappy yellow weave is every girl’s dream. Would the Old Ho have named her dog after Bret if he wasn’t a rock star? No. You’re hos, not philanthropists.

All of the sudden, Badass’s hair appears to be…smoking? The Old Ho’s notice it, and Badass nervously pats her head. She’s standing under a bright interrogation light. Poor Badass. The Old Ho’s don’t like her. They think she has a perfect answer for everything. They think she was fake and didn’t believe a word she said. Eh, they’re kind of right, but she’s successfully made her way from cracked out, bloated and sleazy to cute and sleazy, so let’s just give her some credit and move on. She goes back to the living room to wait and pats down her burning head. It was a fucking nightmare, she declares.

Slag Roast

Sam goes next. She looks really, really nervous. The first thing the Old Hos ask her is if she thinks Bret has feelings for her. She’s pretty sure he does, but they shoot her down and tell her he’s a friendly guy, so perhaps she’s taking it the wrong way. She tells them she’s insecure with the competition. Oh, Sam. Did it hurt when you fell off the turnip truck?

The Old Hos know they’re got Sammie rattled, so they keep pushing and ask her to fake an orgasm. She refuses, saying that she wouldn’t feel comfortable. She says she doesn’t have to prove it to anyone. Oh, but she does. The Old Hos tell her she can’t be a disappointment in bed, or behind a dumpster, or under a freeway.

Princess Sam says there’s no way she’s going to give them the satisfaction. So they tell her she lacks confidence, and ask her if she’s emotionally stable. Then they ask her if she sees a therapist. Bret needs a strong, secure, independent woman, they berate her. It is taking all Sam has in her to not break down in front of the Old Ho’s.

That sweater’s not helping your cause, Fay Wray.

As soon as they release her from her interrogation, she falls apart. Badass holds her. Badass is a nice girl. I’m just gonna keep telling myself that. Sam’s take is that the Old Hos “hate girls”. Of course they do, but take heart Sam. You’re younger, prettier and cooler. Truth is doll, when they truly hate you, you win.

One S goes in with a very friendly attitude, and the Old Ho’s dig it. Come on, you thought Badass was fake, but not One S? Cause before today, I wasn’t even sure she had teeth. But that may be because of her lip injection, which she cops to, and which I didn’t notice – no small accomplishment cause ChickBomb takes tremendous pride in being able to spot plastic surgery from many miles away. The head Old Ho throws out there that she assumes One S’ boobs are real and she tells us no shit you stupid bitch. Why would she get fake boobs that small? Her intellectual prowess is getting to the Oldies.

Jes doesn’t know the drummer from Poison. Rikki Rockett, bitch, and I even spelled it right. I could wipe the floor with Bret’s ho’s on Poison trivia, and I haven’t been a Poison fan since the 80′s. Ky says she wants to kiss Jes to see if she is a good kisser. The real reason is, she wants to make sure Jes is cool with girl on girl, cause that’s one of Bret’s requirements.

Whatever the reason, One S and Ky make out a little bit, and Ky reports that Jes is a lip biter. Before Jes leaves the room, she makes sure to spend a little time trashing Lacey. Still mad about getting shoved in the pool, are we? Don’t do anything to smoosh One S’s hair, she will be your enemy for life.

MentHos Freshness

Flasher is super friendly, but the first thing the Old Hos want to discuss is her career as a stripper. Flasher bemoans that here we go again with the stripper thing, and I concur. It’s not like Bret normally dates investment bankers. Besides, the Oldies don’t look like they’re any strangers to the pole themselves.

They want to know why she’s there, and Flasher says to find love. They want to know if she cares if any of them may have slept with Bret. No, she replies, I’m sure you all have. They laugh, which means, hell yeah we were orgying with him while you were eating breakfast.

Flasher’s icing on the interview is to tell the Old Hos that she’s planning on getting “Bret” tattooed on her neck. Then she invites them for a drink and casually suggests that Amy wants to do her. Flasher my dear, you are a one of a kind ho.

And now it’s Evilish Lacey’s turn. And the Old Hos do not buy her act for a minute! Not even a second! Of course she trots out the “I’m a touring musician” crap, so they ask her to sing a Poison song. She sings The Song (another royalty and another custom made plastic cowboy hat – thanks, Devil Eyes) and she pretty much sucks. But it’s all good, cause she’s great at keeping her composure and not cracking under pressure, or so she tells us.

It doesn’t take Lacey long to figure out that the other sluts have used part of their interrogation time to talk shit on her, and she’s mad. Hello, she only spends every spare minute gossiping in Bret’s ear about all the other chicks and making no apologies for it! She knows they hate her, and she thinks is because she’s aggressive and she fights for him. Yeah, but also cause you’re an asshole, sweetie. Don’t forget about that part.

Having paid attention to slags one through four (and also cause Bret the control freak probably briefed them), the Old Ho’s zero right in Lacey’s mental state. She tells them she’s stable, but she does see a therapist and is on medication. To clarify, she then tells the camera that this makes her the “opposite of crazy”. Uh huh.

If the opposite of crazy is CRAZY.

Now that the skank inquisition is over, I’m giving my girls props cause no one told the Old Hos to fuck off. I know, I say wretched things about them, but the minute some other bitch comes along and does it, I get all mother hen about it. Call me Pimp Momma ChickBomb.

Lacey continues to irritate the hell out of everyone with her delusional monologue about how great she did, and now she says it’s time to kiss up. When the Old Ho’s grab some grub from the catering table and bitchily ask if they’re going to have to eat with their hands, Lacey fetches them silverware in record time. Old Ho Amy gushes “thank you sooooooo much, that’s fantaaasaaaaastic”. Like receiving some hand delivered flatware makes you so fucking grateful. Who’s the phony now, babe?

The other honeys latch on to Lacey’s strategy right quick, and now they’re sucking up to the Old Hos too. But not Sam. Sam and her Issues are too good to suck up to the old ho’s, so she heads upstairs. Sidebar – I was cruising the ROL website the other day (cause I’m either that dedicated to my chicklets, or cause I’m a total fucking loser) and you know where Princess Sam hails from? Scarsdale, New York. Scarsdale is a lush, moneyed enclave where the Bill Clintons live in private life. My bikini waxer had a Scarsdale shop, and they charged 25% more to wax your situation in Scarsdale than they did on Madison Ave. in New York City! No wonder she thinks she’s too good for this.

But back to the Ho Show. Somewhere in between hating them and kissing their asses, our dolls have decided that the Old Ho’s are actually kind of cool. Bret, hearing nothin’ but a good time out in the living room, whips off his pleather pants and comes out for the free for all. Keeps the bandana on though. Please please please show us what’s under there!

Ahh, he doesn’t really get naked, he just wants to see how the interrogation went. He’s happy that all his ho’s are down with the group thing, so he proposes a toast. Old Ho Amy toasts with an entire bottle of vodka. I sense nothing Freudian here.

After the toast, Bret notices that Princes Sam is missing. He is informed that the Old Ho’s “broke Sam”. Now Bret’s been a pretty good sport about playing along with Sam’s drama, dutifully chasing her down when she starts with her high maintenance performance, but I think that game is officially played out.

Since Bret’s not chasing after Sam and her Issues, Jes does it for him. Sam’s carrying on about how she doesn’t like being interrogated, it’s not for her, and it’s not worth it to be ridiculed. So basically, same shit, but no Bret standing by pretending he gives a shit while he stares at her boobs.

Aw, sweetie! I’ll stare at your boobs!

Downstairs, Bret grabs the Old Ho’s to help him choose who gets the solo date. They think Badass is cute, but that she just said what they wanted to hear. They thought One S could jump on a tour bus tomorrow. Is that good? I thought he was auditioning for a home ho, and he picks up his away hos from whatever state fair he’s playing that night.

HOHIC (Head Old Ho In Charge) Amy says she would be Sam’s best friend, but that she doesn’t have what it takes mentally to date Bret. That’s right Sam, you don’t have the mental fortitude to be in a harem. You’re such a huge disappointment.

Lacey is a definite NO. But they think Flasher is the greatest person there. OH! I forgot to fill you in on Flasher’s ensemble for the day – she’s wearing pink and white printed Joey Buttafuoco pants. Need I say more? There’s one thing Bret and Flasher REALLY have in common, and that’s a devoted commitment to the cheesiest wardrobe possible. It’s a match made in fashion don’t heaven.

Two Skeeze in a Pod

It’s all hos on deck for the awarding of the solo date, but Sam’s still missing. Bret says they’re just going to let her “chill a minute”. In other words, he’s over Sam and her suitcase full of buzz kill. Flasher is awarded the solo date, and is so thrilled to finally have some time alone with Bret that she cartwheels up to him in her crazy pants. Bret’s amped too, he knows the perfect place to take her. Where’s that, Gold’s Gym in 1992?

The Old Ho New Ho Convention is going well. They have a laugh over Badass and her burning hair. Jes does not abandon her mission of trashing Lacey. She tells one of the Old Ho’s how Bret doesn’t see the bad side of Lacey. But Bret’s no dummy. I think he sees it all, but he made his bed without Clown Whore weeks ago, and now he needs Lacey and her psychodrama for ratings value. He needs to keep the door open for Rock of Love 2.

NOBODY likes Lacey. HOHIC Amy sees no emotion from her. Sidekick Old Hos Alison and Ky just find her totally annoying. They leave the room when Lacey walks in. Lacey is frustrated because she feels she is losing control of the game, and that the other girls have gotten to the Old Hos. Well, they did, but it’s not like they had to do a whole lot of work to convince them to hate your ass. You did a perfectly splendid job of that by just being yourself. Keep it up!

All the ho’s are bored, and the production interns are taking an awfully long time on their liquor store run, so they all go upstairs to visit Princess Sam in her tower and beg her to stay. The Old Hos tell her they’re sorry for being mean, and that they love her. Why go the extra love mile? Bret usually just tells her he really, really likes her and calls it a day.

After the Hallmark moment with Sam, the Old Ho’s get back down to business. They have narrowed the pool down to two skanks that they think are bad news for Bret and it’s Lacey and Badass. You can take Lacey with you when you go, ho’s but give Badass a chance.

Somewhere in Hollywood, Flasher and Bret walk into a tattoo shop for their date. He’s calling her on her plan to get his name tattooed on her neck. That’s right, Flasher’s big surprise date is a trip to the tattoo shop so Bret can brand her. That way, when she gets lost at the Monsters of Metal Festival, they’ll know which ate up rocker she belongs to.

Kick Me

Flash tells us in her interview that she was freaking out, but in the shop, she held it together admirably. Bret says if she goes through with it, it will impress the hell out of him. Then he starts carrying on about what an erotic experience getting tattooed is, and that seals the deal for Flash. She puts her head down, and Bret immediately starts dictating to the tattoo artist how he wants this tattoo to be kinda hidden so post-taping, he will never have to acknowledge it. He tells her to go to her happy place. No need – she’s getting Bret’s name tattooed on her while he supervises. She’s already there.

And Bret’s in his happy place too. He’s thinks they’re having a very close moment, and he’s in some kind of tattoo trance that’s getting him aroused. He informs Flasher that he’s had some of the best sex ever after getting tattooed. Hmm, wonder what they’ll be doing on the Hummer ride home? He loves the final tat, and truly, this is Flasher’s finest hour. None of those other bitches would have done that, she proudly informs us. This will show 100% commitment. To Bret or reality whoredom?

Back at the Tramp Ranch, the Old Hos are ready for their sit-down with Badass and Lacey. Deep down, my heart is involved, says Badass. Well, I’m convinced. You can stay. Lacey has a tougher time. First she tells them that despite her tough exterior, she really cares about Bret. The Old Hos don’t buy it. Then she tells them she has depth, and if they spent time with her, they’d see her warmth and compassion. Strike two, Crazy Eyes, the Old Hos point out that the other skanks do get to hang out with her, and all they see is what a big jerk she is.

Tell me something heartfelt, pleads HOHIC Amy. I’m fighting for my life, says Lacey. Oh please, it’s not cancer, it’s just a better than average chance that some washed up hair bander kicks you out and your fifteen minutes are done. Don’t be so dramatic. But she’s not finished. She turns on the tears and whines that the whole situation is so taxing because it’s not easy keeping her walls up all the time, but that’s the tool that helped her survive her life experiences. It’s a bad performance – faker than Bret’s hair.

Bret and Flasher return from their super romantic date, and Bret takes the Old Ho’s to his room for a quick foursome, and a fake deliberation about who goes home. Badass is a little upset. What, cause I didn’t cry I lose out, she wonders. Keep it real, Badass.

All Flasher wants to do is show off her well thought out tattoo, she tells us, and everyone’s crying her a river. When they finally do dry up, nobody’s too impressed with the tat. They mostly think it was stupid, but kind of try to be nice about it.

Please never change.

Bret and the Old Hos hastily get their clothes back on in time for the camera to get some deliberation footage. Bret says Sam and Badass are on the fence. Sam cause Scarsdale princesses with issues don’t make good rock star girlfriends no matter how many tattoos they have, and Badass, cause let’s face it, he still kind of thinks she’s lez.

The Old Hos tell him that they don’t like Lacey and he needs to get rid of her. Bret’s not surprised, everyone else hates Lacey, why not the Old Hos too? He gives them each a big kiss goodbye, and tells them to wait for him outside on the bus for a quickie before he sends them back to their small towns where their one night stands with him have made them very, very famous.

Then it’s elimination time, and we find out what everyone’s thinking. Jes is confident. Sam says she had an episode, she doesn’t want to be in the house, but she does want Bret. Lacey thinks she might be going home. Who’s the target now, Devil Eyes?

So, the weather people are saying we’re having a record-breaking heat wave here in LA, but I don’t believe it. I’m convinced hell has frozen over, cause Bret is wearing an outfit that I like! I don’t just not hate it, I actually like it! Jeans, shiny shirt, but covered up with a plain black blazer. Hallelujah and thank you! Finally, an ensemble I can get on board with!

Flasher made a commitment, and the Old Ho’s loved her so she gets first pass. She accepts in a divine blue stripper costume, with her hair pinned up and neck exposed to show off Bret’s proof of ownership.

Why does everyone keep kicking me?

Jes gets the next pass. Ky said she was a good kisser, and they joke about how Jes’s Mom will be thrilled to hear it. Yes, that will be the one issue Mom will have when she watches this mess. But Jes is happy. The more she falls for him, the happier she is that she’s there. I think of them on their dates, and you know what? Jes might take this thing.

The Old Ho’s didn’t like Badass at first, but after they got to know her, they changed their mind. Crisis averted. Badass is safe.

It all comes down to Sam and Lacey. Is Lacey really gonna go? I can’t stand her, but what ever will I write about if she’s gone? Psycho Lacey and her herpes scab are my best material. Bret’s been reviewing old Bachelor tapes, so he tells us this elimination was the hardest one yet. He does a little fake out and makes it seem like Lacey really is done, but then he calls her down for her pass…and apologizes to her! She breaks down in sobs. He thinks she had a hard day. I think what goes around comes around (sometimes), so let the bitch cry.

Sam looks prettier than ever, and quite classy tonight. Flasher says Sam’s pathetic, and I would direct her to check out the back of her neck before she calls anyone else pathetic. Bret says that it’s killing him, but he hates seeing Sam go through what she does in the house, and he doesn’t want her to snap. Also, he’s tired of all the “look into my eyes” talks, but Bret really does seem like a nice person, so I think he was genuinely doing the right thing.

Sam has finally figured out that she really is too good for this, and she really seems like she’s had a weight lifted off her. Friends, she asks him? Well, I was hoping more, he answers. Then they kiss, and it’s a huge, fabulous kiss that goes on and on while the other ho’s just stand around and watch. Sam’s parting words are adorable. She says she thinks Bret rejected her in a loving way, and DID YOU SEE THAT KISS?!?! Fare thee well, Cool Sam. You earned your nickname back, doll.

Maybe it’s time to buy some tops with sleeves and go back to Scarsdale…

Back inside, Lacey’s still snotting. Badass offers a bravo, and wants to know where’s Lacey’s Oscar. It’s amazing what a few tears will do, Lacey tells us with a smirk. I’m not saying anything, cause I really was nervous when I thought she was done.

And the good times are back, as Bret makes a toast to the “Fearsome Foursome”! Next week, they take a family bus trip to Vegas, and Badass pukes at the dinner table, so I’ll be spending the rest of the week gearing up for that. Rock and roll, dolls. See ya then!