Recap: Rock of Love: I’m Just Not That Into Your Weave

Hey dolls, welcome back to another week of Rock of Love! We’re down to the final four skanks, can you believe it? Seems like just yesterday when we were watching Grandma Rodeo (sob) rubbing herself while she performed on the pole with Annoying Brandi C. So let’s step into our six inch high stripper heels and see what skankalicious adventures Bret and the hos are embarking on this week, shall we

Don’t Forget the Lyrics, Ho! Thursdays on Fox!

Morning, bitches! Flasher is admiring her new branding, and tells us she’s rocking her man on her neck. I’m trying to come up with alternate word designs she can turn “Bret” into once filming ends. I can’t think of even one. Psycho Rocker Lacey tells us it’s two against two – her and Flasher vs. One S Jes and Badass. And guess what? Psycho’s got a new target to pick off. This time it’s Badass, reasons being she burps, farts and is immature.

Big John arrives to tell the babes that Bret’s got something really special planned – he’s got a gig in Vegas and they’re all invited! Every single one of them says “Vegas, baby!” cause they’re all really original. If I hear one “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” I’m turning the TV off.

Do me a favor. Stay in Vegas.

They ride to Vegas in what they call a “gigantic, beautiful tour bus” and what I call “not rich or famous enough to rate a private jet”. But it doesn’t take much to impress these chicks, so they’re high-fiving all over the place.

Bret says he’s playing a fan appreciation show, and he wants to see how the honeys handle the rock star experience. They’ve only seen Bret the regular guy, and now he wants to show them Bret the rock star. Finally! Who gives a crap about Bret the regular guy? Bring on the debauchery that made you famous in the first place.

They pull up to the Red Rock Hotel, and man, that place owes a huge debt of gratitude to reality TV cause the only other time I’ve ever heard of it was on Hell’s Kitchen. The hostess meets them and tells Bret and his ho’s how happy the Red Rock is to have them there. Low-level Vegas hotel properties aren’t at all choosy. The hos are really impressed with their suite, cause it’s nicer than the airport Holiday Inn.

Bret takes off to do a sound check, which Badass finds sexy. BJ, who really puts himself to use in this episode, details the plan for the night. They’re going to watch the show like good little groupies, and then there’s dinner and cocktails in Bret’s suite. Whoever seems like the surest thing gets to stay on with Bret after dinner.

Badass is amped about the night, she sits in the bathtub chattering to One S about how she loves concerts and loves to party. Badass tries to make a plan. She figures as long as Flasher gets drunk enough that she can’t walk, it will all work out and she’ll be one step closer to never having to go back to the life of internet porn and stringy hair.

Girl, I’m never going back there!

Of course Flasher and Lacey are busy coming up with a plan of their own. I’m bored with their plans though, so I’m not paying attention to what it is. Also, I’m too busy concentrating on Lacey’s ugly necklace.

Little less time targeting and little more time accessorizing, whaddya say, Nutbar?

At the big show, the babes are planted in the front row. Flasher can’t wait to see her man on stage. Badass thinks he’s singing just to her. One S is mesmerized as she watches Bret play. Or maybe she’s just excited to find out that Bret sings more than just The Song.

Bret’s rocking the plastic flame painted cowboy hat, for a change. It’s coordinated with his guitar and shirt. A bit matchy-matchy, but whatever. He’s excited to play his new songs. I’ll bet he is, since that was the whole reason for this hot mess of a show in the first place.

Post-show is when the partying really begins.  Bret’s band consists of some middle-aged guys.  One of them has a Mohawk, which really shouldn’t be allowed for anyone over age 25.  Another one has a mullet.  Clearly Bret’s aging rocker insecurities have prevented him from hiring hotties in his band.  We should all have someone way uglier standing next to us at all times. It totally woks for Bret.

Where can I get one of those?

The band (on Bret’s orders, no doubt) start feeding the hos liquor and here’s where we separate the women from the girls.  Flasher and One S don’t want to get wasted because they want to be able to enjoy their time with Bret.  Smart move ladies, real rock star girlfriends have to stay sober to shoo all the groupie sluts away.  Badass and Lacey on the other hand get wasted. 

Flasher is annoyed that Lacey has abandoned their plan to sabotage Badass by getting sloppy drunk and making a fool of herself.   Badass has forgotten all about her plan to get Flasher really drunk, and is downing shots like crazy.   At one point, Drunk Lacey has Drunk Badass pinned against a wall to slur some very important rambling in her ear and Badass tells us Lacey has nasty breath.  Lacey totally looks like she would have stank breath, doesn’t she?

 

Finally, BJ comes in to herd the ho’s back to Bret’s room for cocktails and dinner.  It’s a real struggle getting Badass and Lacey out of that little backstage room, and BJ looks seriously annoyed.  Dealing with Bret’s drunken sluts as a full time job can’t be a whole lot of fun, but a dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do to get him some groupie leftovers.  Flasher wants Lacey to “Pull it together and walk, bitch!” and you know what?  I’m starting to think Flasher would be a fun girl to have a cocktail with.   

 

As they walk through the hotel, I catch a glimpse of Flasher’s ensemble for the first time, and she really has out outdone herself tonight.  Stonewashed jeans (never thought I’d be using that word post-1989) that are only stonewashed in the front, black halter, which isn’t a problem… and huge furry boots.  What?  Maybe it’s a look an Olson twin could pull off but Flasher looks ridiculous.  So, let’s amend my prior statement to say she’d be fun to have a cocktail with in Antarctica – partly cause she’s dressed for it, and partly cause I don’t know anyone there. 

 

Put those things to use and cover up that nasty cooch.

During the stroll to Bret’s room, Badass talks some shit on Lacey to Flasher and Flasher’s all over it.  She knows Lacey’s sneaky.  Once they get up to the room, Lacey’s crawling around the table like  a “cracked out cat” says One S – good one, honey!  Then One S tells Lacey that she has no respect for Bret’s hotel room, which cracks me up cause it reminds me of one of my favorite Sopranos line ever – when Christopher gets made and then threatens the local hoodlums to not “disrespect the pizza parlor.” 

 

Lacey’s a lost cause as far as Flasher’s concerned, as she falls and sprawls across the table in Bret’s suite.  I see someone returning their half of the BFF heart charm before the end of this night.  Bret hears the ruckus and comes in to check it out.  He’s pissed that he left them alone with his band for 15 minutes, and they’re shitfaced.  But he tries valiantly to move on to a nice meal.

As soon as they sit down at the table, Lacey has what Bret calls a “meltdown collapse”. One S literally races to her side and now I’m a little impressed. One S hates Lacey more than anyone, but she felt bad for her and tried to help. Flasher, who’s supposed to be Lacey’s friend and partner in crime, doesn’t move.

Bret tells BJ that “beautiful Lacey” has had too many drinks. She’s too drunk to do you, Bret, so may as well just save the sweet lies for when she’s sober and you have a shot at getting some. He’s disappointed that Lacey can’t handle the lifestyle. BJ carries her back to her room and gets his leftovers on. Finally, the guy got tossed a bone.

A scabby, brittle, evil little bone, but a bone’s a bone.

And I’m disappointed in Badass. She just keeps drinking. Flasher’s eating oysters, and she tries to get Badass to try some oysters too, but Badass declines cause oysters make her sick. You can practically see the evil little light bulb go on above Flasher’s head as she nearly shoves the oysters down Badass’ throat.

A couple of seconds later, Badass has a dinner napkin held daintily to her mouth, and then the oft-previewed projectile vomit incident happens. Oh, Badass. Bret and the girls cringe away from her. It’s One S to the rescue again, and she takes Badass to the toilet so she doesn’t puke all over Flasher’s seafood buffet.

Flasher’s bored with the drunken vomiting, so she just sits there, applies lip-gloss and mutters, “rookies”. One S tells us it’s impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunken fruit loops and a hungry stripper. Thanks One S, I thought I was the only one who noticed Flasher chowing down like a truck driver at IHOP.

Badass is in a bad, bad way as she’s draped over the toilet slurring that she “really fucking loves” Bret. She’s willing to open up to him. As I sit there shaking my head and wondering how I could have been so wrong about her, Bret oddly tells us it’s one of the most touching things he’s heard in his life.

One S notes that it seems weird to tell someone you love them while you’re vomiting, but perhaps it was the right moment for Badass. Cut it out One S, it’s way too hard to write mean shit about you when you’re being witty and engaging.

How can you not love this face?

At this point Bret informs us that dinner is like the Titanic – unsalvageable. Badass is clearly done. So he calls it a night with Flasher as well and tells One S he’s hers for the rest of the evening. He liked how she helped the competition, and I must admit I too was impressed. Flasher is admittedly bitter, but she does grab a couple of ChickBomb points herself as she bossily directs the waiter to pack her up a to go box.

Bret and One S have a moment on the balcony and he tells her he can party with the best of them, but at the end of the day he wants someone solid. He then tells us that he and One S learned each other inside and out, got along quite well, and it was a good night. Don’t waste words, man-ho. A simple “we fucked” would have covered it.

The next morning, Badass lies around the suite with Flasher and Lacey and says something so stupid that I have no choice but to start preparing my break up speech with her. She doesn’t know if she can “hang”…and she’s sure Bret’s not the one for her. Flasher however, knows he’s the one for her. Lacey says this works out perfectly, and if I wasn’t pissed at Badass already for letting me down with her antics the night before, I sure as hell am pissed at her now for letting Lacey get her way.

We cut to Bret’s suite, where he’s readying One S for her walk of shame. One S tells they got closer physically, emotionally and sexually, that was a hot night in Sin City, and that’s all she’s going to say about it. We know, hon, Bret already told us. You fucked.

He ships her back to LA so he can spend time with the other girls. She’s bummed that she doesn’t get to spend any more time with him, but she’s confident that he’s confident in their connection, so she’s not too concerned. She’s right, and I have to note that it actually seems as though she’s bummed not to be missing competition time, but to be missing actual quality time with him.

Badass, Flasher and Lacey hit the pool and Bret wants to do something to make the skanks feel better after the previous night’s party. He notes that Badass particularly looks a little tore up, and after that comment, it’s really starting to not look so good for her.

When you’re done moping about softball not being in season, there’s a dating show goin’ on.

Flasher goes first, and Bret takes her into a cabana for a hot stone massage. She wants to tell him about Badass’ revelation, but she’s having too much fun, so she figures she’ll let Lacey take care of it.

Meanwhile, Badass is sitting at the pool, full of regrets. You would think the regrets would be over puking at the dinner table, or getting drunk and pulling her head out of the toilet just long enough to tell Bret that she loved him. But no. Cause now that she’s somewhat sober and slightly less hung-over, she’s realizing what a colossal, mind numbingly stupid idea it was to tell Flasher and Lacey that she doesn’t have feelings for Bret. She has every reason to be worried.

Next it’s Badass’ turn in the cabana with Bret. There’s a lot of awkward conversation. The best Bret can come up with is that she’s a beautiful girl who’s fun to go to hockey games with. Then she starts in with the letting her guard down crap, and how she doesn’t want to get hurt. She caps it off with a kiss and honestly, Bret doesn’t seem too into it. I smell trouble garnished with desperation.

When Badass and Bret leave the cabana, Flasher immediately wants to know if she told him what they were discussing earlier, and Badass lies and tells her yes. But don’t worry, Lacey’s there to waste her foot massage time with Bret to tell him what Badass said earlier that morning. Another CB point for Flasher, she sure knows her hos.

Bret winds up the day at the pool with the deep revelation that he doesn’t know who’s real and who’s malicious. He needs some more time to figure it out, so he asks Flasher and Lacey to stay for dinner, and sends Badass home. Badass thinks she’s being sent back to LA because Lacey sabotaged her. Oh no sweetie, you handled that one all on your own.

When BJ fetches the ho’s for dinner, Lacey tells us she’s in damage control mode to prove to Bret that she’s not crazy. Flasher isn’t concerned, as she continually mentions, she’s “golden”.

Golden Girl

Bret plays a cute little game where he pretends he’s got actual ladies on his hands, and he gives them each a flower. They sit down to dinner, and the inquisition begins. Flasher’s up first.

Bret’s still on the stripper thing. Seriously, who does he think he’s fooling? Turns out, Bret had his heart broken by a stripper once, and turns out, that’s who he wrote The Song for. Random stripper girl, I really hope you’re seeing some of the residuals on this thing, cause if there’s one thing Bret’s got talent for it’s throwing that damn song into every other sentence.

Flasher rolls her eyes and tells us that it was twenty years ago and he needs to get over it. But Lacey interrupts Flasher and Bret’s big “where is this going” talk to say that she hasn’t had much time with him, and wants to have the solo date with him after dinner. People with herpes on their lip piercing are so pushy.

But, the plan works and now we’re focused on Lacey. Bret’s not sure about her because she’s manipulative. Cue Lacey’s tears as she brings up her dead mother. See, replies Bret as that airplane flies right over his head, these are the things I need to know about you. Flasher says Lacey’s really good at playing Bret, and I myself am starting to wonder what she has over him.

Bret ditches Flasher for the second night in a row because he wants to get to know Lacey’s “personality” better. He takes her back to his suite and brings the cliché alive as he shows her to his bed strewn with rose petals. Flasher is left to eat her dessert alone, and declares that her alliance with Lacey is officially over.

The next morning, it’s Lacey’s turn for the walk of shame, and Bret starts thinking about eliminations. He needs to figure out who’s being truthful, who’s ready to find true love, who’s ready to let their guard down, and who’s available for a month of post-show publicity. One S and Lacey aren’t worried, but Badass and Flasher are. Strip clubs don’t hold jobs forever.

You know how they say to be careful what you wish for? Well, I’m hearing that right now cause for tonight’s elimination, Bret’s decked out in dark pants, blazer and shirt. I’ve got nothing. Well, the outfit does kind of make his ass look huge, but I’d much rather have some red pleather to make fun of.

One S gets the first pass. He feels close to her. Flasher says that One S never cared about Bret and she probably never will, but I have to disagree with her there. I think that live version of The Song unbunched One S’s panties once and for all.

Bret starts off the next pass distribution speech by saying that he knows a lot of people have doubts about this person, and I know what’s coming. When he asks Psycho Rocker Herpes Lip if she’ll stay and rock his world, she says, “You got it, babe.” Loser. I’m fully expecting this statement to be accompanied by a smile and finger point, a la Isaac in the opening credits of Love Boat.

And now we’re down to Flasher and Badass. In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve pretty much changed bets on this thing, so I’m hoping Flasher gets the pass. Not to mention, she’s decked out in full-blown stripper mode, while Badass is wearing some baggy, red, bedazzled turtleneck that looks like a cast-off from the set of the Golden Girls. Bret starts into his speech, and tells Flasher he’s not sure why she’s there. Well, at least you’re sure she’s into men, and that puts her one up on Badass, so that should settle it, right?

Not quite, Flasher. Time to pull out the big guns. The other ones.

But Flasher’s in a full blown panic at this point, and before he can get any further, Flasher’s telling the camera that Badass lied and she’s not going to get away with it, and next thing you know, Flasher blurts to Bret that Badass has nothing for him! Loves it! None of those simpering bitches on The Bachelor would ever do something so ballsy. Flash, next time we’re in Antarctica, I’m most definitely buying you that drink.

Bret confronts Badass and asks if she wants to stay. She weasels out of it, with a weak “I don’t think I can let me guard down.” Bret is furious! He thinks she could have told him this at any time during the day. He’s also pissed that he bought into her proclamation of love the night before. Oh come on Bret, I know you’re new to this dating thing, but everyone knows “I love you’s” that come between bouts of praying to the porcelain god are as meaningless as the ones you blurt out during drunken sex.

He tells Badass she’s a beautiful girl, but beauty’s only skin deep. She wants to hug him goodbye, but he doesn’t even want to do that. Awww, don’t feel bad, Badass. He sent you off with a nice cliché. Maybe he’ll write a song about it and use it as an excuse for not being able to trust for the next twenty years.

Our parting words from Badass have something to do with not wanting him to think she didn’t care, and how she was scared. I’m not buying it any more than Bret did. I gave you 100% support, Badass. I even overlooked your sleazy internet porn pictures. I’m not parting ways with you on as bad terms as Bret, but you definitely have some explaining to do. Were you looking for your 15 minutes? Are you lez? Did the mean old strippers intimidate you? Or are you really just not into him? Whatever it is, I feel duped, and I’m done with Badass.

Ah, how different this could have ended if it was Rockstar: Nellie Furtado.

Bret’s monster size aging rocker ego is practically on life support at this point. “There’s the fucking door if you want to go”, he snaps at the three remaining skanks. He even offers to help anyone who wants to leave help pack. He gets a personal assurance from each ho that she really, really wants to stay, and I’m surpriesd BJ doesn’t appear with a knife to make them each sign in blood.

Flasher is thrilled and relieved to accept her pass, and promises Bret she’ll never lie to him. She says she’ll do anything to get her man, and that’s why she needs to win. I know, I like One S too, and yeah, there’s something between her and Bret, but she’s a novelty. Flasher in all her stripper glory is the realest deal Bret’s gonna find.

They do the ho toast, and for the first time I notice they’re guzzling Bret Brew! Bret’s like the Trump of over the hill rockers. Next week it’s time to meet the parents, and we all know the fight for the last pass will come down to Lacey and Flasher. I’m backing Flash, and may even hit the pole dancing class at my gym for support. Rock and roll and the pole…til next time, dolls!